Chapter 18



Summer’s POV

I couldn’t move, I think my body was shaking but I wasn’t sure. Nothing felt real. Someone was saying something. “Lily, Lily. Shh it’s okay.” I made myself to concentrate on the voice. “It’s going to be okay.” I forced my head to look up, it was Poppy. I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. “Don’t worry, it’ll be alright,” she said soothingly. Will it be alright? “You want me to help you to the bathroom?” I nodded; at least I think I did.

Somehow we made it to the bathroom but I don’t remember walking in here. I was still gripping the sheet around myself. Why can’t I feel anything? I couldn’t even cry, I should be crying. Poppy turned the shower on, “Call if you need me okay,” she said as she walked out and closed the door.

I stood perfectly sill just staring at the shower, completely unable to move. Why couldn’t I move? At least tried to fight him off? I wanted to scream, I wanted to kill him but I couldn’t do a thing, I just laid still, my traitorous body like a statue.

Finally I managed to force my fingers open and let the sheet drop on the floor but it took me another five minutes before my legs responded. I eventually stepped forward under the warm water. I looked down and my whole body was still shaking, I couldn’t fell it.

The water ran over my head and down my face, and then it hit me, what he’d done. I fell to my knees and started crying; I pushed my back against the wall and wrapped my arms around my legs as I cried so hard I could barely breathe. I’ve only ever been with Lewis, he was the only one I ever wanted to be with and he’s taken that away from me. Would Lewis still want me now? I’ll never be good enough for him after this; I’ll never feel clean or pure again.

I scrubbed my skin but I could barely see anything, everything was blurry from crying so much. I felt dirty and no amount of scrubbing was making it feel any better. I eventually turned the shower off and stumbled out, I was still crying and gasping to get my breath back. Every time I closed my eyes I saw his face over me, I ran to the toilet and threw up until there was nothing left in my stomach.

“Lily,” Poppy said, knocking on the bathroom door. I gripped the towel and pulled it around me tighter, I didn’t want anyone to see me, I felt disgusting. “Can I come in?” Nothing came out when I tried to talk again so I just sat back and wiped the tears from my face, it was pointless though because more just fell in their place.

Poppy pushed the door open and peered around the side. She looked at me with a sad expression and pity in her eyes. I turned away, not wanting to see that look ever again. She knelt down in front of me and I tensed up a little. “This is going to be a stupid question but are you okay?” she asked softly. I shook my head. “I know, sorry. I know this isn’t much but it never lasts more than a few minutes, I promise.” It wasn’t much; I don’t want him near me for a second.

I opened my mouth but couldn’t form words; just this croaky sound came out. “Shh, I know. You don’t need to say anything,” Poppy said, wiping my tears away. “Come on; let me take you to the bedroom, think you need some sleep.” She practically picked me up and helped me into some pyjamas, I hid my body from her as much as I could but I needed her help getting dressed, I couldn’t do anything.

Poppy helped me in bed and pulled the cover over me like I was a child. Heather was already fast asleep, I feel so sorry for her and her family. I wish I could just speak to Lewis, even just for a second. I started crying again, soaking the pillow in minutes. My body was still shaking and I felt sick but I don’t think I even have the energy to throw up right now. I want to kill him.

I closed my stinging eyes and tried to force my mind to stop picturing the smile on his face. I made myself think of Lewis, his smile, his laugh, his stupid smirk and the way he would look at me, how easily he could make me laugh, the feel of his lips on mine, his hand stroking my cheek. He made everything so special for my first time, it was perfect.

Lewis looked nervous as we sat on his sofa watching Twilight. I don’t know why though, it’s not his first time! He smiled at me and I almost burst out laughing, shouldn’t I be the nervous one? “You okay?” I asked him, biting my lip to try and stop myself grinning.

“Yeah.” He nodded and wiped his hands on his jeans, “You?”

“I’m fine.” We sat on the sofa, neither of us really watching the film, not that he would in any other situation, vampire love stories aren’t really his thing, nowhere near enough pointless killing and fast cars for him!

“I’ll be back in a minute,” he said, getting up and heading for the stairs.

“You’re gonna miss the ending!” There was only five minutes left! He raised his eyebrows making me laugh and walked out.

His parents had gone away for the weekend and my parents finally agreed on letting me stay at his house, well, after a very embarrassing conversation about being responsible and safe! Thinking about it still makes me shudder; no one wants their dad to explain the facts of life to them, ever! I told Lewis that I was ready last week and we decided to wait until this weekend rather than doing it quickly before my parents got home from work.

He came back down and leant against the door frame just as the credits started. “Hey,” he said, biting his lip. He’s ten times sexier when he’s nervous.

“Hi.” I turned the TV off as I walked past. He pulled me into his arms and kissed me, making my tummy flutter and my heart beat faster. “I’m ready now,” I whispered against his lips. He nodded and took my hand, silently leading me upstairs.

As soon as we reached the top step I started to get nervous, I have no idea what to do! What if it’s bad for him? What if I’m rubbish? He turned around and smiled at me making all my insecurities instantly disappear; his gorgeous green eyes seemed to sparkle with happiness.

I gasped as I walked into his room. He had lit candles and scattered sunflowers on the bed. “I know technically it should be roses but I also know sunflowers are you favourites so,” he said trailing off, scratching the back of his neck, looking completely unsure of himself. Does he really think there’s a chance I wouldn’t love this?

I shook my head, “This is perfect and I don’t think a thorn in the butt would be that romantic!” He smiled in amusement and stroked my cheek before pressing his lips to mine, kissing me tenderly and making my heart beat so fast I thought it was going to burst.

He laid us both on the bed and pressed his body against mine. “I love you Summer,” he murmured against my skin as he kissed down my neck.

“I love you too.”

My body was going crazy; everywhere he touched made my skin feel like it was on fire. I eagerly pulled his t-shirt off and ran my hands down his chest making him shiver and moan against my lips. He pulled us both up so we were both sitting and slowly pulled my top off, trailing his hands up my body at the same time.

I crashed my lips to his and fumbled around unbuttoning his jeans, I felt him smile as he helped me, slipping his jeans off and pulling mine down. I don’t know where I got the confidence from to just strip him like that, I guess it’s him, he makes me feel safe, I know he would never judge me. When we were both naked he laid us back down. The feel of his skin against mine was incredible, I could barely breathe, I wasn’t nervous anymore. “You’re sure?” he asked again as he laid over me.

“I’m sure,” I whispered, kissing him and pulling him closer. It hurt at first but he was so slow, patient and gentle, it was perfect.

He rolled over and pulled me onto his chest. “You okay? Does it hurt? You’re not still in pain are you? I’m sorry Sum; I really didn’t want to hurt you.” He rambled, grimacing at the thought of hurting me. He looked into my eyes and started stroking my cheek.

“I’m fine.” It still hurt but it wasn’t unbearable, it was actually kinda nice in a strange way. I pressed my body against his and buried my head in his chest, breathing in his smell. “I love you.”

His arms tightened around me, “I love you too.”

I cried harder remembering how it felt. If I get out of here will it ever feel like that again or will I always feel dirty and used? Will I ever be able to let anyone close to me again? Right now I couldn’t but would that change in time? If it was Lewis?

I buried my head in the soaking wet pillow and squeezed my eyes closed; I just wanted to stop thinking, to stop picturing him over me, that look in his eyes and his disgusting smile. I wish I’d have tried fighting. Him killing me is not the worst thing he could do, I just wish I’d realised that before now, but if I do something to get him to kill me then I’ve given up on getting out of here and being with Lewis again.

I curled up in a ball, making myself as small as I could and wrapped my arms around my legs. I cried until I’d run out of tears and my throat burned. Eventually I was so worn out I fell asleep.

Poppy woke me up in the morning, I automatically tensed up and I started feeling sick at the thought of seeing him again. “Shh, it’s okay, don’t cry,” Poppy said, putting a glass of water on the small table beside my bed and wiping the tears from my face. It was useless though, I couldn’t stop them falling. I pressed my back against the wall and tried to concentrate on breathing, I was terrified of seeing him again. “He’s gone already, its okay.”

“W-what,” I croaked, blinking hard to try and clear my vision.

“He’s already been for breakfast; we told him you weren’t feeling well. Do you want anything to eat?” I shook my head. I felt so sick still, there was no way I could eat anything. “Okay, I’ll leave you to sleep. Call me if you need anything,” she said as she walked out of the room and closed the door.

I laid down and stared at the wall. My whole body was aching and my chest felt tight from crying so much but the physical pain was nothing compared to he’s made me feel. About two hours later I couldn’t stand it anymore, I could still smell him on me again, even though I’d showered for ages last night. I practically ran to the bathroom, ignoring Rose, Poppy and Heather staring at me.

I turned the shower on as hot as I would go and sat on the floor. The water burned my skin as it ran down my body but I didn’t care, all I wanted was to wash away the memory of what happened. I sat in the shower for as long as I could stand it. When I got out I wrapped a towel around myself tight and stayed as far away from the mirror as possible, I didn’t want to look at my body.

“Lily are you okay?” Rose said softly as I walked out of the bathroom. It took me a second but I finally forced my head up to look at her. She winced slightly; I bet I look a real mess. I shook my head at her and walked back in the bedroom, gripping the towel, I should have brought a change of clothes but I just didn’t think about it.

As soon as I’d changed into some pyjamas I got back in bed, my hair was wet but my pillow was still soaked from crying so much so it didn’t care. I heard crying coming from the other room, I didn’t recognise the voice so I guess it was Heather, I pushed my face in the pillow and pressed my hands over my ears, trying to block the noise out.

“You should really eat,” Poppy said, sitting down on the bed, making me jump. “Sorry I didn’t mean to scare you. Can I get you anything to eat or drink?” I shook my head and continued staring at the same spot on the wall.

She sighed, “It will get better I promise, you won’t always feel like this.”

“Wont I,” I said, not moving my eyes.

“You won’t. It gets...bearable. I hate it too Lily, you just need to find something to focus on while it’s happening. I think about what I want my life to be, for those few minutes I’m in a different place.”

“What do you want your life to be?” I whispered, needing her to talk about anything that would stop me thinking about it.

I saw her smile out of the corner of my eye. “Happy,” she said simply. “I live in a beautiful cottage, with Ivy growing up the walls and around the windows. The garden is equally as beautiful with colourful flowers and a vegetable patch. My husband’s a great man who works hard to support his family and I stay at home with our children. I imagine what my pregnancies would be like and how our children would look, family holidays and playing in the garden. We’re happy you know, really happy.”

I managed to smile a little. “That sounds nice.”

“It’s silly I know but a family and nice little house is all I’ve ever wanted.”

I shook my head, “It’s not silly and you can still have that.” We just need to get out of here first; maybe Heather will be willing to help me do something to him?

She sighed and the happy smile left her face, “I can’t, it’s just a dream.” She squeezed my hand and started to walk out. “I’ll bring you some water and a sandwich, you need to eat something.” I started crying for Poppy as well, what she wants really isn’t that much. How can he think it’s okay to take that away from her? I clenched my hands into fists, I hate him so much. I needed to take control; with Heather, and maybe Poppy’s help we could to kill him?

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Kirsty - Did that make you feel any better? He don't last long lmao!!!