Chapter 38

I'm not sure what was more shocking: what doctor asshole said or what this bitch was saying. Incest or baby? I think Clare saying she wanted to have a baby hit a deeper nerve but it shouldn't be that shocking really if you think about it. I mean... it was Clare. It still shook me to the core. It was clear Luke was in the same shape. But I was the first to act.

I was on my feet, staring down at where she was sitting. Her eyes were on mine, teasing and laughing at me. She liked how angry I was. And because of that, I forced myself to stay put in that shaky position, standing and just giving her a death glare.

"You... cheap fuck," I whispered unconsciously. I meant it though. Hell, there were worse words I could use to describe such a fucked up being. Since I was the one that broke the silence, and with those words, both of their eyes looked up at me. Luke was dazed and all he could say was something I understood in his spot.

"Albany, go upstairs to bed. Your mother and I need to talk," I only stared back into his eyes, my body physically shaking.

"Why?" I asked, close to losing it. Just the thought... ugh, god just thinking about what she would do.... "Why? Clare wanted me down here. She wanted me to hear this. And it's because she's such a nice caring and loving mother. Not some sick psycho bitch trying to fucking taunt me!" I yelled, my breath going ridged as I buried the hate behind my eyes into hers. I want her to hurt. I want to cut her in pieces and stomp over her remains. I wanted to with all of my being at the moment.

Luke shifted slightly and I drew my eyes to him. He looked physically sick and woudn't meet Clare's eyes. He met my gaze and there was a demand there. That was for me to listen to him. Otherwise, I think he would have exploded there in front of me.

"Albany," he said in a whisper. "Please," he said, begging me with his eyes. "Your mother and I need to talk this out right now," he nodded as if convincing himself that that was going to happen. Ha! A civilized talk? When Luke might disagree with the queen of this house? If anyone, he should be the one to bitch her out but of course, Clare would take that job.

I bit my lip, trying to hide back my emotions. Because really, there was a lot of them over this. I took in a shaky breath and bit my tongue. Fingers curled into tight fists at my side, I somehow found feeling in my legs and started to make my way towards the stairs.

"Goodnight then, you stable fucking lovebirds," I said, loud enough for them to hear me as I headed up the stairs. And the whole way up to my room, I didn't hear either of them say a word to each other. Luke I bet was still trying to take it all in. Closing my door behind me, I collapsed on my bed and just sat there, thinking. There was nothing else I could do after that. I just prayed he said no to her. Who am I kidding though. Like God ever helped a girl out.

***

Looking at my bedside clock, it read 2:00 am. Everything in the house was silent and has been for the past hour. Before that however... well, all I can say is I never heard Clare yell so loud in her life. And that tells you something considering she spent countless days of my life screaming at me. She was sobbing and yelling at him but I didn't know what. I wasn't going to get my hopes up just because she was throwing a fit. And since the yelling between them occurred downstairs, I had no clue what was exchanged. Like I said, I wasn't jumping to conclusions from that though. I did however come to the conclusion that maybe Clare didn't love her husband at all.

So I just spent the last few hours... lost in what she said. I realized that if Luke agreed to have a child with her - which I doubt considering the yelling - but if he did, I think I would really kill her. I mean, that was a life goal of mine for a while but I wouldn't let her get pregnant again if I could help it. I would kill her before she could get pregnant, knowing I would have saved another child from suffering. I would not let her do what she did to me or even Emily again. I'm willing to throw my life away by killing her than let her have another child and walk free.

She told him she wanted a baby in front of me on purpose. That fucked up bitch. She knew this would upset me for how sensitive I was about Emily. And then she just... just had to tell him in front of me. You just don't do that. That's a private conversation between a husband and wife but she wanted me to hurt. That part wasn't surprising. What was surprising was that I let it hurt. I knew she didn't just want a baby to make me mad. But that was part of the reason. And that right there tells you she wont be a mother to a baby if she has another one. I bet she would try to love the baby but it would be a failure. She tried with me but once my dad left, she despised me. And if she could easily hate me after he left, then that love she had for me before that just wasn't strong enough to begin with.

Sitting on my bed, I was staring out my window into the darkness for who knows how long. I was shaking in place, with pure anger and sadness. If he agreed... my life would be over. I would kill her over this. But I also would be seriously hurt and betrayed by Luke. I knew for a fact that he was struggling to stay with her and if he said yes... just to hopefully force him into trying harder... I wouldn't be able to handle that either. I couldn't deny that I loved that man and if he became a father through Clare, I honestly think I would crack and do something crazy besides killing her.

I would find out in the morning what he said. But first, I needed something to drink to calm me down. Since all was quiet in the house, I figured they both went to bed. I just prayed they were actually asleep and not doing the dirty deed. It rips me apart, just thinking about that. But if he agreed to try for a baby, I'm sure sex right now wasn't that out of line like I wished it was. Out of everything, that's the one thing about Clare I was jealous of. Just the fact that he was her husband.

I pushed it far out of my mind as I stood up and quietly walked to my door. Yet, as I was coming down the stairs silently, the thoughts of them were back in my head. Because just as I was heading towards the kitchen through the living room, I stopped when was passing by the couch.

Luke was laying on the couch, I could see. Even through the darkness and silence, I could see him from the small light illuminating from the windows. His eye lids were closed as he laid there, his head resting on the couch pillow. The locks of long hair he possessed at the top of his head cascaded down the pillow, the contrast of brown hair on the deep black material making his features stand out. Bare arms with hands tucked to his side, he held a clearly uncomfortable position on the couch. I mean, he was a tall guy and with how muscular he was, he wasn't exactly as thin as a toothpick. As he was sleeping, I could see that he was still in his clothes that we wore today at the fair and it was clear what happened. He was kicked to the couch for tonight. Standing there, looking down at him, he didn't look at rest. His breath was still hard and his face showed thought in the wrinkles of his forehead and the creases around his nose. Luke must be dreaming.

I could only stare at him for a moment. He didn't deserve this. Any of this. It's not like he meant to make her mad for whatever reason she threw him out on the couch. She was just a bitch. All he wanted was to save his marriage and out of everyone, we all knew Clare should be the one that needs to try harder. But instead, it was him doing that pointless work for her. And now on top of that, he was sleeping on the couch for the night. I wasn't surprised to see that she didn't even give him a chance to get changed or grab his pillow.

I was disgusted. Who does she think she is?

Though it was still summer, some nights were cool and that included this one. The windows were open throughout the house and with what he was wearing, he must be cold without a cover. He looked cold but maybe that was just because he was in a crowded position on the couch. As always though, there was the blanket he could have used draped on the back of the couch he was laying on. It was always there to begin with.

Regardless, I internally groaned and leaned forward over him and grabbed the blanket. Watching him as I unfolded the blanket in my arms, I couldn't help but think it would be nice for him to come up and sleep with me in my bed. Hey, it would give the man more room and company. Just looking out for the guy so don't go blaming me for being a pervert.

Quietly, as I held the unfolded blanket, I raised my arms and draped the blanket over his body. But just as the material made contact with him and covered him, I saw that he shifted slightly and his eyes opened. His disturbed expression that was on his face was gone as he opened his eyes to reality. I felt my chest jump at seeing his eyes find mine when he looked up to where I was standing over him. Great. I'm not comfortable showing my soft side, even with him still, and now he saw what I did to keep him warm.

"What are you doing?" He said and his voice was soft but aware. As if he hadn't even been sleeping to begin with. He sat up from where he had been laying down, the blanket still over him but his back now against the arm rest as he looked up at me.

I sighed. "I just... came down to get a glass of water. And... you looked cold," I murmured.

"Oh," he breathed and he pursed his lips, looking down at his lap as he nodded. He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck as he shifted, crossing his legs as he sat there. I didn't like the tension that was now present between us again. It wasn't there earlier at the fair but it had returned now.

Hesitantly, I sat down on the couch next to him. Pulling my legs up, I turned to face him and crossed my legs as well. My kneecaps touched his as our positions matched and we were incredibly close. He took a deep breath, his eyebrows low in sadness. Luke's eyes found mine again. My stare meeting his, the lights from the moonlight lit his features. His beautiful eyes showed damage, his chest moving deeply to the point where it was clearly noticeable.

I needed to know. And his answer would decide my fate. Whether I kill her or now. Whether I spend the rest of my life in jail or not. Though it sounds like a huge deal and a big choice, for me, it wasn't that huge of a step. For so long, I knew I was going to kill her. His answer would just speed up the process. At least, that's all I told myself his answer would do to me.

"What did you say?" I asked, my heart beating nearly as fast as his was. Besides Clare's issues with caring, I honestly... just don't want Luke to have a baby with her. It's becoming so hard, just seeing him with her. I loved him. So if he tells me he agreed to try with her... it would seriously hurt. Hell, it stung my heart now to have the eyerollable hope, the fantasy that one day, I could have him in my arms and show him I love him. I wanted to be with him and not just because I love him. I feel as if he would be free and happy with me. Alive and himself with me. I know, stupid thought. But hey, don't judge.

Staring into his green eyes, waiting, I felt my hands shake in my lap. He sighed a deep breath before he answered me in a soft voice. "Well, I'm sleeping on the couch tonight. Shouldn't that tell you enough?"

I sighed in relief. I figured as much but I wouldn't get my hopes up yet. "She wont take no for an answer," I said. "Eventually, she's going to want to have a baby."

He looked down and nodded. "Yeah, I know," he said in defeat. "But for right now, I told her no."

I lowered my head as I looked down and felt my lips part, letting that hard breath escape through my lips in relief. Thank god... Oh fucking thank god. Tilting my head back up, I gave him a small smile which he didn't return. Which wasn't surprising. He was lost right now and I knew it.

"What did you say to her? Why did you say no?"

He gave a humorless laugh and refused to meet my eyes for a minute. After I asked, his body stiffed and the tension that was there seemed to double for some reason. Pursing his lips, he was silent for a moment in thought before he gave me an answer.

"A lot of reasons," he breathed, his eyes finding mine again and my stomach twisted at the intensity packed behind that stare. "I mean, after we got married, it was assumed we would start a family together. But... not this quickly. I expected to have a baby when I'm like 30 or something. It's too soon. That's what I told her, that it's just too soon. And before I could say anything else, she was crying and screaming. I never saw her act up to that extent before. It really must have hit a nerve from what I said but... it just makes sense to me." He chuckled humorlessly and shook his head in disbelief. "She didn't even give me a chance to explain a fucking thing. She went on about how she would be too old to have kids by the time I would be ready - which is bullshit. I mean, I told her I would be willing to do it before I'm thirty for her. Even maybe in a year or two but she wouldn't have it. She was so upset," he said in a daze, swallowing hard as he looked down. "She didn't give me a chance to even show her my argument. I have reasons but she was done listening by then. Clare went upstairs after I started telling her she was over reacting and being a bitch. So she kicked me to the couch." His eyes searched mine again and he looked shook up now that he explained what happened to me. "I can’t believe I called my wife a bitch,” he said quietly, his voice overfilling with sadness at that fact. I could tell he really regretted that. He wasn't the the type to do that.

"So you called her a bitch. She was being one, Luke. You didn't do a damn thing wrong," I said as I leaned forward without thinking and rested my hand on his arm in comfort. His strong arm under my palm, I could feel he was slightly chilled. But in what we were discussing, that was the last thing on his mind. He let the blanket rest over his lap and over mine as we sat facing each other. "Your reasoning is very understandable and easy to accept. If you're not ready, you're not ready. Just because you don't agree with her, that shouldn't mean she should throw a fucking fit like a five year old." I shook my head in disgust. She seriously was being a baby and it was incredibly pathetic. "She wouldn't even let you explain your reasons. Such a bitch.... what were your other reasons, anyway?"

"Well... in all honestly, the one reason I gave her wasn't even the main one. I don't want to have a baby when our marriage isn't doing too great. And... well," he said, having a hard time getting this out. "I think if we had a baby, it would give us more reason to try to work things out. So that would be a plus. But that shouldn't be any reason at all to have a child. You do it out of love and a healthy relationship with your wife, not a desperate move to save it - which is how I feel like I would look at it. I want to have a baby when our marriage is strong and perfect and loving," he said, talking at a faster and more panicked pace. On instinct, I felt my hand crawl down his arm, my finger tips sliding over the small hairs before I reached his hand. And when I did, I felt his fingers catch my hand and hold it in his lap tightly. A somewhat unconscious move, it felt nice and I felt him use it for support. "It's not a marriage anymore. It's a fight and it shouldn't be. Hell, what am I saying? It has always been a fight...." He looked away, his lips parted as he breathed harder.

"What do you mean it has always been a fight?" I asked, watching him. He didn't say anything at first and wouldn't meet my eyes either. He wasn't ignoring me, he was just thinking of everything and lost in his mind. "Hey," I said, raising my other hand and reaching forward, cupping his cheek and guiding his head back towards me to look me in the eye. He looked ready to lose it. "What do you mean it was always a fight?" I asked again in a softer voice.

"We just got married. A few months ago. And that is still hard to process, knowing I'm married. We got married before we even had time to be engaged. It was so fast. Now, I just want to get use to being married and loving Clare. Wanting a baby all of a sudden is just a new level of shock."

"It sounds like you weren't ready to get married," I said, dropping my hand at seeing his eyes locked on mine. My other hand still in his, I squeezed back with reassurance.

He shook his head. "I wasn't. I'm not the type to fall in love then get married immediately. I only met Clare over a year ago and I planned to date her for at least a few years before getting married."

Confused, I asked, "What happened then to make you get married?"

"My grandmother always talked about me growing up and getting married, probably because I was the most likely to get married first. That was her dream, seeing me get married. She was so excited when I started dating Clare last June since I haven't dated much in the past. Several months later, we found out she was really sick and didn't have much time to live. That news came at the end of March, ten months since I met Clare, and she told me that before she died, she wanted to see me get married. She didn't push, pressure me to do it... but she was always there for me. And I felt like I eventually would marry Clare because I felt so right about her. So I figured I might as well do it then before she dies." He seemed to age before my eyes at the memories that came back to him. He took a deep breath, a saddened expression becoming deeper. "It was a rushed process. I mean, I quickly proposed by the end of the month and our engagement lasted just over a month. We were married at the beginning of May. My grandma died a few days after our honeymoon."

I could only stare at him. I mean... what the hell? It doesn't matter if he assumed he would marry her eventually or that he wasn't pressured. He was still rushed into it and if you ask me, that's not a great start to a marriage. Looking into his eyes, it was clear that he didn't regret it though. He loved his grandmother that much and obviously missed her. I understood him. I honestly did and though I don't think it was right to get married, who am I to judge his relationship with his grandmother? The downside was the relationship with Clare, the negative side of it that came about after I showed up a month after they got married. A month. That was all. It was still hard to picture them getting married just a month before. I can see where he's coming from, in being shocked.

"Do you regret marrying her that early?"

He sighed. "I don't regret marrying her. Would I have rather done it later, yes. But that's over with now."

I nodded, understanding where hes coming from I guess. "Yes, you married her and that is that. But now, she brought up having a baby. Don't give into her," I told him, holding his hand slightly tighter. I hope he didn't hear the desperation in those last words.

He shook his head. "I wont. Hell, I honestly just can't right now." His next words came out in a rush, a panic he wanted me to see as well. "I mean... within the past few months alone, I have gotten engaged and married; my grandma died and I moved into this house. My best friends got engaged. Then, I find out my new wife has a hidden past. She was once married before and has a daughter. You come into my life and now, I'm a stepfather to a 17 year old girl. I find out that you are 'insane' and now, I'm trying to give you a better future. Now, my marriage is going down the drain." He sighed deeply, catching his breath as he looked down, shaking his head and I saw it all hit him hard right then. "The last thing I want is more change. I'm ready to crack as it is! I don't want anymore change! I can't take it anymore, Albany. And a baby... I mean, fuck that's a life changing thing in itself. But my life has changed so much... it's like I'm living a different life."

With his words becoming urgent, he leaned forward and stressed his words with his eyes in mine. But it also made me aware of how close he was to me now. After he was finished, he groaned, closing his eyes as he leaned forward more and rested his forehead against my shoulder. As if in defeat.

"I don't know what to do," he said in a small voice. "I haven't known what to do for a while now. Why is everything so damn complicated?"

He wasn't talking about not knowing what to do with the disagreement between him and Clare about a baby. He meant just in general... he was lost because there has just been so many changes that it left him in shock. Yet he is forced to move on at the same time, like he always has been doing.

His hand still burning warm in mine, my other hand went up and around him, resting on his back as he was resting against me. But only for a moment. His other hand came forward as well and wrapped around me until we were holding each other in a very comforting embrace I still wasn't use to. But it was just so nice....

Hugging him to me, I rested my cheek against his shoulder and closed my eyes. It was heaven, right then. I could feel it in how strong his hold was, how engulfing and caring and gentle. I took in a deep breath, my nose brushing the back of his neck and his scent reached me easily. He smelt so good. A warm musk, like cologne and shampoo. I felt a small smile come to my face as I rested against him, feeling so safe and so warm at his touch and scent, the feeling of my arms around him in return very claiming.

"Mmm," he lightly moaned, to the point of where I wasn't sure if it was him because it was so faint. But it had to have been him. His head buried against my shoulder, I felt him tilt his face down just slightly and that meant his nose was buried in my long hair. At the same time, his fingers on my back crawled up and he stroked my hair in a nice repeating pattern.

We stayed like that for a moment. He broke the silence with a quiet tone. "You feel nice."

Shivers ran over my skin and my stomach twisted. I opened my eyes and blinked, unsure what he said. "Uh, what?"

He chuckled, that laughter just lightly brushing the skin of my neck. It made my shivers double. "What I meant was that you're warm. Like you feel gentle and nice, comforting," he said and in his voice, I knew he meant those words as he said them. Nothing more or a message behind that - as it should be.

"Remember who you are talking to," I said, smirking.

"Badass Albany? You don't fool me," he said quietly in my ear and I think my actual body externally shuddered. His voice, so beautiful. But even more, those words were some of the first he said to me before. "I can feel it. You are so warm and beautiful."

I loved his words. But at the same time, I felt more sick. I know he didn't mean them in a sexual way at all. If he did, his voice would be off, there would be more tension in the air, and he probably wouldn't have said it openly like that. He was just telling me that he liked hugging me. That I had a specific air to my presence that was welcoming. As friends, that was acceptable. But what I wanted was more and it made my stomach hurt, knowing I can't have it. He was off limits to the extreme. So every time he says something like that, it's just a tease that I can't have it. I forced myself to not over think his words.

I smiled. "So are you," I said, still holding him as he did me. I wanted to tell him he made everything light, was beautiful in every way, was gentle and warm too. It wasn't healthy to love a man like him but I couldn't help it. Not healthy especially when we were not speaking on that level at all.

Luke leaned back, still hugging me to him until he was laying back down on the couch, his legs stretched out. And I was over him, laying over his body as he continued to hold me. And guys... you can bet your sorry asses that my heart was beating double time. I didn't expect it; I was glad it happened though. Laying against him, incredibly relaxed, I knew this was different for him than for me. He was holding me now because he cared about me and because he was so stressed at the moment. He enjoyed my company and how my presence brought him warmth. But nothing more. Whereas I was in love with him. I was attracted to Luke and it felt right against him, in this contact. It brought the security, the warmth. But for me, it was just more than that.

My cheek rested on his chest, my chest and stomach pressed into his side. My arm was now wrapped over him. It was quite different. But I felt very comfortable with this and strangely, that tension decreased.

"You know, if Clare came downstairs right now, she would get the wrong idea," I said.

He scoffed, his breath brushing my hair slightly. I was very aware of his arm wrapped around my back from under me. Laying against him... it took away the chill and our bodies became use to the warmth of contact. He feels so good... his scent became much stronger from where I was laying over him. I could feel his heartbeat through his shirt where my head rested. Ignoring that it was going strangely faster, I loved the muscle that he processed and I could feel. I could literally feel his strength with how muscular and lean he was. He was a man, matured and wanted by me. And yes, no need to tell me how pathetic I am. I know.

"That's her fault if she starts assuming shit that is not true."

Blocking out his overwhelming presence under me, I let a circling thought enter my head, one that I have been pondering for over a while for. Hesitantly, I spoke. "Can I ask you something?"

There was a small silence in the air before he answered me. "Sure," he said quietly, his voice small and slightly hesitant.

"What happened to you?" I whispered, my eyes settled on the ceiling as I continued to listen to the quick and soothing beat of his heart. However, after I asked him that, I could feel it beat even faster.

"How do you mean?"

"You know how I mean," I told him instantly back. "I told you I would ask later. It's later. Please just tell me why you hold so much pain."

The only noise that existed in that instant was that of the light breeze sweeping through the window, the whistle it created making me relax even more against him. I felt him sigh and he dipped his head closer to mine, once again burying his nose into my hair. I could have sworn that I heard him moan again but maybe not.

"Well, where should I start?" he laughed humorlessly.

Sadness swept through me and I couldn't help but sit up slightly and turn over to look up into his eyes. Laying against him, his face tilted up to stare back into my eyes. I could see that pain come forth again, drawn deep in the depths of green.

"It's okay," I smiled slightly in reassurance. "You know I understand."

"Well... you see, I had another sister," he said slowly, looking at me intently and waiting for my response. Because even just those few words were big enough to qualify for a response right away. And I gave him one.

"What?"

"Yeah, she was five years younger than me."

He had another sister... So he had two sisters and a brother. Two sisters, not one. He was one of four, not just three... I tried letting it sink in and it was hard to accept that because that was such a big deal. But I had to and I nodded, encouraging him to hopefully tell me more.

"Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"It's not something we like to talk about. It's just... so heart breaking," he said, his voice cracking and his expression breaking. Unconsciously pleading with my begging eyes, I felt myself find his hand again and grasped his palm in mine. Even still, this constant contact seemed so natural that I could tell he didn't even feel that guilty over it. It just felt so right and I knew to him it felt just as natural and okay.

"You can tell me," I breathed.

He bit his lip but nodded. Swallowing, his took a breath and looked deeper into my eyes. And those jade windows really went back, far into past and painful memories. A shadow of a smile flashed for but a minute as he started to speak. "Her name was Hailey. And she looked just like mom. She was always a very energetic girl. Being the youngest of us all, we all loved to spoil her. She was just so sweet and nice, loving." His smile was gone a second later as he dove into the dark waters that is making this conversation happen.

"Anyway, it was the first day school. I was 11 and therefore was entering the middle school. It would be the first time without me to be there with her at the elementary school since she was only 6 at the time. Of course, Francis was only going into the third grade at the time so he could be there for her. But he was never the responsible one to watch out for her like me. That was my job, to watch out for her kind of. Hailey didn't like that I was going to a different school; she was scared. So to make her feel at least a little better, I promised to walk her to school (It wasn't far from our house). Francis always took his bike so it was just us two walking.

"I was talking with her as we walked, fooling around and telling her how to handle the first day. It wasn't until we were about a block away from her school that I checked my watch and saw I was going to be late to my own school which was a couple blocks away from the elementary. 'Hailey,' I said to her. 'Do you think you can walk the rest of the way on your own? If I don't go to my school right now, I'm going to be late for sure.' I remembered that hurt look in her eye. I wished I had just forgot about being late and stayed with her.... God, I wish I had stayed with her."

I had a felling I knew where this story was going. I didn't like it. I felt his hand start shaking in mine as he went on, speaking in such an emotional voice. "Anyway, she said, 'Do you really have to go Luke?' Her voice was scared. But did I care? No, I was being a stupid kid. I said, 'I really should. Can't you handle being a big girl? It's not that far, Hailey,' I smiled, trying to convince her that she could walk the rest of the way on her own. After all, I was going to be late. Being selfish, I just couldn't have that could I? Nope, I had to leave her," he murmured. "She told me it was fine and I gave her a hug goodbye and told her to have a good first day at school." His voice started to crack even worse and his whole body was trembling. His eyes fell away from mine as he continued speaking, too lost in the past. "She hugged me back and after that, I started to run left down the street to hopefully get to my school on time. She continued on her own way to her school. After that, everything is uncertain. We never got any clear answers."

Looking down at where he was under me, I raised my other hand and gently stroked back his bangs, feeling the need to comfort him. His hand still shaking in mine, I squeezed tighter and his eyes finally looked up and found mine again. His eyebrows were dipped in distress, lips a tight line, and his eyes were engulfed with pain. His lips started to part after a minute though and he started to breath more heavily.

"That day, when I came home, my life had changed. Mom and dad were hysterical, crying and demanding answers. Their baby went missing when walking to school. She never showed up that morning. My sister never made it to school. And it was because she was alone that last block to go. Because I left her." His voice turned shaky along with all of him. "The cops said they found her pink bow she was wearing that morning. It was laying in the street, between the place where I parted with her and the school. My little sister was taken," he whispered, his eyes starting to water. But no tears ever fell. He wouldn't let himself have the luxury. I don't think he ever had either. "She was missing for a day. Then, it became a few days. Soon, it became a month. Then months started to turn into years. And with the more time she was gone, the worse we felt. But nobody could beat my guilt. I wouldn't let them. It was 100% my fault and there was no denying that. Now, Hailey has been missing for 15 years.

"When those few weeks started to turn into numerous months, we started losing hope that we would find her. Mom and dad... they were both lost. I mean, they put on a strong face like good parents and tried helping us through it. But you could tell... they were losing their minds trying to find her. It was rare to see my mother without red rings around his eyes or my father wearing a true smile. We tried so many options... nothing ever worked. Countless days were dedicated to just looking. But it got nowhere. Francis started losing his hope. He started doing drugs and was constantly drinking. He became a mess. Then Shannon started to become a snot, not wanting to bother with anyone anymore. And all I could do... was punish myself. I did the best I could. I mean, I took my sister's life away. So I made it my job not to enjoy mine. I let the rest of my childhood go by without bothering to catch it. I just let it pass me by. I let every opportunity to be happy leave me. I hated myself and was obsessed with punishing myself. In high school, I started to do drugs. I claimed to my friend that was doing it with me that it was out of curiosity, not anything negative. But all I wanted to do was get fucked up and die. It was mostly marijuana though - which surprisingly wasn't as harmless as you think, to us anyway. My friend and I... we became one of those strange cases that get addicted to weed. That rarely happens but it did for us. Around that time, my mother started to come around to me and talked me into cleaning myself up. She told me it wasn't my fault and that Hailey would be disappointed to see me throw my life away. Though I honestly wanted to be fucked up, I didn't. I tried and got cleaned up. Went to college, became a cop.... If it weren't for Hailey, I wouldn't have become a cop. All I wanted to do was somehow use my job to find her. But that didn't happen. And there's still a part of me that wants to ruin my life for her. I want to go back under in that sweet bitterness. It was a relief, punishing myself. Sometimes, that's all I want. To fuck my life away. But I know I need to go on. Somehow...."

He finally gave me his story. I took every detail in and tried to preserve it all in my head. Gone for 15 years. 15 years. It reminded me the big age difference between Luke and I. That was a long time. He never directly said it - and I never suggested it - but it was clear that it was assumed that she was dead. She had to be after that long. That meant fe held onto that pain for that long too. From that, I came to the same conclusion that I had in the past. We were so alike... both had young sisters that had something tragic happen to them. At least for me, I knew what happened to Emily. He didn't have an answers about what ever did happen to Hailey. At least I knew Emily was somewhere in my back yard. He didn't even know if she was dead or just missing still. I could only nod at him at first. Because really, it all made sense to me. We were the same. We were. We knew the bliss that came about from suffering. not many knew of it or understood it but I did. It's one of the greatest reliefs, to drown in oblivion and to just slowly let yourself decay. It's only human nature to destroy ourselves after all.

I let my hand travel down to cup his cheek as I looked into his eyes. "I know how you feel," I said at last.

"Why? Because you had a younger sister that is now gone too?"

"No. Because fucking ourselves up is a luxury. It feels good to be miserable. To thrive in your failures and negatives. You and I, we enjoy some chaos in our lives. Well... it kind of goes with that. Sure, we try to always stay in control. But we can't help but crave destruction in our lives. I doubt many people understand that because most don't understand that feeling." Stroking his cheek with my thumb, I gazed into his tormented eyes and felt myself move even closer to his face, speaking with stressed words. "And though thriving in sadness can feel so good, you shouldn't let it control you. Because... you are too good to waste away, no matter how nice it would feel just to rot. I think your mom is right. Your sister wanted you to move on. And I bet you made her proud. Because you are still here today, fighting."

"But it was my fault," he said, shaking his head. "I mean, I have moved on. I just wont ever be able to get over that one particular thing or forgive yourself."

"You don't know that it was your fault. You never found out the details. You were 11 years old. 11. Even if you were with her, someone could have easily taken you too. And even though you are right and there could be a fair chance it really is your fault, it's not like you meant it to happen. You didn't know that she would be taken. You had a fair reason: school was about to start. You didn't abandon her. It was just stupid chance or dumb God. Take your pick because It wasn't you."

Searching in my gaze, after a second, I saw a small and sympathetic smile crawl over his face just slightly. He ended up cupping my cheek in returning the movement before he twirled a lock of my hair around his finger. "You know, I feel as if you have been through so much more than I have. What happened will never leave me. It affected me more than it should have. This was the first time in maybe a year or two I have talked about this. To anyone. And I can't tell you how relieved I am that it was you I told. Because you are just so understanding of me."

I smiled back to him slightly before the rest of his words registered. "Wait... Clare doesn't even know?"

"I mentioned it to Clare. But it was brief to the point where I wouldn't say we really talked about it. I told her that I had a sister and she went missing. When she asked for details, I honestly couldn't take going into the details so I never told her much more."

I couldn't hide my grin though I probably should have. "Yet you told me."

Finger tips grazing my hair that cascaded down over my shoulders and over his chest where I was laying over, he pursed his lips and for the first time he looked aware of just how close we were. "Well...I could trust that you would have understood me. And I was right. I feel like I can tell you almost everything."

I smiled and for a moment, all we did was stare at each other at such close proximity. There was such a driving force in me... I wanted to lay in his arms forever. I wanted to kiss his lips right now. I wanted him. He was so incredible, living through something like that. Even better, we connected on such a deep level too.

I sighed before I shifted over and was once again laying against him with my head back on his chest, laying there with him. My legs draped over his, I rested my arm around his torso while my head rested just under his shoulder. I could feel him rest his cheek on the top of my head when he tilted his head down. It felt so nice... His heart beat was still going at a steady rate. I could feel it, so alive and strong. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Closing my eyes and breathing in his sweet scent... so relaxing. I mean, that was why I did so. Just to enjoy this feeling in this rare moment. I had no intention of falling asleep in his arms and he in mine. But that's what happened.

When we woke, I was still resting against him. His arm was around my shoulder and holding me to his side as we were laying there on the crammed couch. His hot breath was brushing over my hair, his heart beating slow and even. I felt so safe in his arms, even still. The only thing that made me uneasy was the realization that it was morning.

Because when we woke up, laying together on the couch in each others arms like that, we discovered we were not alone in the living room anymore. We were fucked.

_____________________________________ _________________________________ Oh no! Who caught them laying there? Tell me what you think. I enjoyed writing this one. We learned more about Luke's past as well as how far their relationship has come. Hope you liked it!