Chapter One Hundred One



Dani



When I return from the shower, Eli is asleep. I can see the tear stains on his cheeks, so I know he's been crying. That makes me feel sad but also a bit special. Like he thinks I'm worth crying over. I slide into the bed as quietly as possible. I don't want to wake him, although he has the hearing of a superhero, so I'm sure he will wake up. Now that I've showered, I don't feel like I need to stay away from him so much. That probably makes no sense to anyone else, so I'll try to explain. While I was telling him those horrible things, I couldn't be near him. I didn't want him to touch me, because I didn't want to be reminded of the way it felt and I also didn't want to associate his touch with those memories. I've been trying so hard to not think of his touch the same way and I don't want to undo all the progress we have made. I'm not saying having him hug me or whatever is easy, because it's not. It is a constant battle to keep the dark memories shut away whenever he comes near me. That is something I'm going to have to live with for the rest of my life, because my brain won't ever allow me to forget the bad. On the other side of it, my mind won't let me forget the good either, so if I can make new and good memories with Eli, then I can try to focus on those.

The other reason I didn't want Eli to be too close, is because reliving those memories made me feel too dirty to be near him. He keeps telling me I'm not dirty, but I know I am. I've got a filthy past, so how can I not be dirty? Even though I didn't choose for any of this to happen, I didn't exactly fight either. It doesn't change the fact that I've participated in disgusting, filthy acts and no amount of showering is going to take that away. It's another thing I'm going to have to live with. I just have to figure out how I'm going to do that.

As I lay down, Eli mumbles and lifts his arm for me to slide into his embrace. I take a deep breath and tuck myself into his side. He is my superhero and not just because of his super hearing. He makes me feel safe. He protects me and makes me feel different. I don't know how he does it, but he does. I don't know what those feelings really mean, but I have to learn not to question it or analyze it too much or there's no telling how that will turn out. For someone who does nothing but analyze and over think everything, that's not an easy task, I assure you.

Eli's eyes are closed as he whispers, “I'm glad you talked to me, baby. I love you even more, if that's at all possible. You are beautiful and you might not think you're perfect, but you are perfect to me. It'll be ok, sweetheart, I promise.”

While I'm not completely sure it will all be ok, I nod. I have to at least admit to myself that things have got slightly better. So much has changed since I met Eli, especially in the last few months. I have to attempt to trust that will he will try his hardest to make things ok.



The sunlight breaking through the blinds wakes me up and I take a few moments to register what day it is and what's going on. I actually feel rested, more so than I ever have and that leaves me feeling disorientated. Well, I've only felt like this after I've been in a drug induced sleep. I didn't have drugs, right? I momentarily panic, thinking I've relapsed and don't remember it.

“Eli?”

“Yes beautiful?”

I skip over the 'beautiful' comment because I need to ask my next question, “I didn't take drugs, did I?”

“What? No. Why would you think that?”

I let out a sigh, “I feel rested...”

“You don't normally feel rested?”

“Not like this. Only if I've taken something...”

“No, you didn't take anything. You do remember last night, don't you?”

Oh yeah, I remember. That's not something I want to think too much about, honestly.

I nod slightly, not trusting my voice right now.

“Maybe you just needed to get some things out in the open and that's why you feel rested. How are you feeling?”

“Ok. Eli?”

“Yes baby?”

“Did you talk to your brother?”

“Yeah, we've sorted it out. He really is sorry for how he treated you.”

“It's ok.”

“It's not, but I appreciate your willingness to forgive him. We slept late.”

I glance at the watch he never seems to take off and see that it's nearly 10am. That really is late. We never sleep later than 6 or 7am.

He chuckles at my shocked expression and says, “You want to go get ready and I'll go see what my parents are up to?”

I nod and as I get out of bed, I reach for Eli's hand. If he's shocked by this, he doesn't let it show. I'm not the one who ever initiates contact, so I wouldn't be surprised if he was shocked. I take his hand in mine and give it a little squeeze as I whisper, “Thank you, Eli.”

“You're welcome. I have no idea what for, but you're welcome.”

“For listening to me, for giving me courage and for not treating me any differently.”

He kisses the palm of my hand and I can hear the honesty in his voice when he speaks. “I have no reason to treat you any differently. You're still my Dani. You're still the woman I fell in love with, and you're still beautiful. Nothing has changed.”

This man is actually far too perfect. Seriously, how am I supposed to compete and compare with that? I struggle to even reach for his hand and then he goes and makes a confession like that? My stomach does that little flip flop thing again and my expression must change because Eli questions, “Everything ok?”

“My stomach does this weird flop thing...”

He smiles brightly, “Probably butterflies. You feel a bit nervous?”

I nod slightly.

“That's how you make me feel most of the time.”

I am shocked at such a revelation and I blurt out, “How do you handle that?”

“It's a good nervousness. It lets me know my feelings for you are real. It's a constant reminder that you're who I'm supposed to be with.”

Something has certainly changed in me, because I would never just speak like I am.

“How am I supposed to compare to you? I can't even vocalize my feelings or reach for your hand without second guessing it. How can you be so... perfect?”

I will the words to go back into my mouth after I realize what I've just said. I'm sure there's panic on my face, and Eli stops me from backing away from him by keeping a hold of my hand.

“I'm not perfect. In fact, I've never been one to reveal my feelings, but I know you need to hear how I feel and that I love you and want to stay right here, with you. You need to really, truly believe that, so I will tell you every day until you do. Then I may just say it, just to be sure. You don't need to be scared of saying anything to me, sweetheart. I know it's a natural reaction for you, but you have no reason to be scared of me.”

“I know, I'm sorry. Habit.”

“It's not your fault. Hey, we're looking at a house today...”

I chuckle a little at his excitement. He's like a child right now and it's amazing to see. He's usually serious and professional, so this side of him is different and nice. I know I don't really bring out this side of him, but I like seeing him like this and I want him to be more like this; happy and carefree. It seems that my past has pulled him down as well as myself.

Connie and Don come with us to look at the house. Eli is driving and I'm in the front with him. Don insisted that I sit up front with Eli and he would sit in back with Connie. When we pull up outside the house, I'm sure I've seen it before. I don't think I've been here, but it looks familiar. The Ramirez trio must notice a change in my expression or body language, because they all watch me carefully. Eli is the one who breaks the silence.

“What's wrong, Dani?”

“I've seen this place before.”

“You've been here?”

“No sir, but it's familiar. Give me a second...”

I close my eyes and flick through the images until I can find the one I'm looking for. I try to quickly go pass the bad ones, so I don't have time to dwell on them. When I find the image I'm looking for, my eyes fly open and I gasp. I honestly can't be living in the real world right now. There's no way stuff like this happens in the real world. Maybe I didn't really wake up in the hospital. Maybe I'm still in a coma, imagining all of these things.

“Baby? What did you remember? What's going on?”

“Is this actually real, Eli?”

He frowns, but answers anyway, “Yes, of course it's real. What's the matter? Please don't tell me you're backing out now...”

“My poppa, he was going to look at this place. I'm sure of it.”

And that's why I don't believe I'm in reality right now. Out of all the houses Connie could have found, it just happened to be the one my poppa wanted my momma and I to look at? You see how I don't think it's possible? Although, pretty much the whole of my life isn't really possible, so I shouldn't be so surprised.

Connie sounds shocked as she asks, “Are you sure, Dani?”

“I can see him bringing in the information pack from the realtor. He'd just finished a shift at the hospital. I was making dinner with my momma and he was smiling so brightly. He said he'd found the perfect place for us and he wanted to take us to look at it as soon as possible. He didn't want anyone else to take it. He'd booked a showing for that weekend. The crash happened the day before the appointment. I can't believe this is real.”

“So you never saw the inside?”

“No ma'am.”

“You want to take a look now? Maybe it's a sign; like your dad is guiding you...”

She doesn't think I'm crazy. She actually believes my poppa can give me a sign? I'm not sure I can handle all of these good things and good people in my life. I'm not used to this and I don't deserve it all. Even if I don't deserve it, I want to look at the house my poppa wanted to buy us. I want to know why he thought it was so perfect and what he saw in it.

I nod, not certain my vocal chords will work and also not knowing quite what to say. Eli holds his hand out to me and I grab it like it is my lifeline.

He whispers in Russian, “You ok?”

I nod again and then find my voice to reply, “This can't be real, can it?”

“Yes, it is. I think he's telling you something, baby. Maybe it's so he can keep a close eye on you, I don't know. Whatever the reason, it's got to mean something. You tell me if you like it and we'll put an offer in, ok?”

I nod and brace myself for the viewing. We walk through the gate and up the stairs to the main door of the townhouse. The outside is made of grey brick. It's simple but it looks elegant. When Connie opens the front door, we are met with a reception room. There's original grey brick on the left side of the room, like the brick on the outside. On our right hand side, the wall is made of dark wood, there's a real fireplace in the middle of the wall. Big, wooden double doors at end of that room open into a huge living room, which is bright and airy with mint colored walls. The back wall is made of framed glass doors/windows.

It's beautiful. If it was anything like this when my poppa saw it, then he had amazing taste in houses. I want to live here; I can see Eli and myself living here. But I know I don't deserve this. Eli lets out a low whistle, stopping my thoughts from going any further.

Don chuckles, “Well, I didn't expect this from the outside. This is quite something.”

It seems that both Eli and I have lost the ability to speak, so Connie shoos us away, saying, “Go and explore. Take a good look at the place.”

So we do. We move from room to room, trying to take everything in.

The glass doors at the back of the living room open into a heated solarium with a medium sized pool. Outside the solarium, there is a paved garden/patio, with a small lawn at the very back of the garden. To the left of the living room, there is a white open plan kitchen, with stainless steel appliances and black marble counter tops. The stair case on the left hand side of the living room leads up to the bedrooms. 3 bedrooms, 1 with an ensuite, and 2 separate bathrooms. There's a balcony looking down from the landing outside the bedrooms, directly into the living room.

Once we've completed the tour, Eli and I stand in the middle of the living room. It seems that Connie and Don have decided to explore the garden.

“So? What do you think, Dani?”

I whisper, “It's beautiful...”

“Isn't it just? Your pops had good taste, that's for sure.” “Yeah, he did. Eli, I can't afford this. I can't afford to give you half of this cost...”

“Who said I was going to ask you for any money? Surely, the man of the house is supposed to provide for his family. You are my family now, so I want to provide for you. I want to take care of you and that means buying a house for you and to share with you. My place is pretty much sold and once we sell your's, we can just put that into paying off the mortgage. Is that ok with you? We don't have to buy this place if you don't want to.”

I pause. I want this place.

“Can you see yourself living here, baby? Can you see us living here together?”

“Yes.”

I don't even need to think about my answer. Eli lets out a deep breath and he chuckles.

“I was hoping you would say that, because I've already imagined us cooking dinner in that kitchen right there. I've already seen myself cooking stuff on the grill in the garden on summer nights. I think it's perfect. Even more so because your pops found it first.”

“You're not just saying that because he wanted to buy it, are you?”

“No. No way. I'm saying it because I think it's perfect for us. It's got everything we need, including a pool for your PT. What more could we ask for?”

“Nothing really.”

Except for life to be less complicated and for my parents to be here. Those are two things I know can't come true, so I don't ask for them.

Instead, I say, “Maybe an alarm and better locks on the door.”

“I'll do that first thing. I'm a bit concerned about all of the windows though. It's the cop in me. We'll get some blinds up or something, huh?”

“Yes sir. We're really going to buy this place?”

“Yes we are, if you want to, that is.”

“Yes, I do.”

He smiles brightly at me and places his hands on either side of my face.

“You look so beautiful right now. You look happier than I've ever seen you and that makes me happy. You're just so beautiful...”

I can't drop my head because Eli's hands are on my cheeks, so I avert my eyes. I'm so embarrassed right now. It's not because Eli is making me particularly frightened, it's more that I don't like this kind of attention and I don't really believe it. I know he's never lied to me before, but I can't seem to understand what he could possibly find beautiful about me.

He kisses the crown of my head and holds me close. I place my hands on his chest and he holds me tight. We're still in this embrace when Connie and Don appear. I know this, because I hear them enter the room, but I can't bring myself to leave Eli's arms. Just for right now, in this moment, I feel safe, protected, and cared for. I'm not saying I don't second guess these feelings, but I'm trying to snub that part of my brain out, at least for this moment in time. Who knows what will happen once we step outside these walls.

We go back to Connie and Don's house for lunch and while we're eating, Connie talks about the paperwork and everything we need to get ready for the purchase. She thinks she can have us in the new house within a month, providing the mortgage comes through. She sees no reason why it won't go through, seeing as Eli and I both work for the NYPD and his house is pretty much sold already. She tells us she'll go into the office and start getting the paperwork ready after lunch. We just have to get onto the bank for the financing side of things on Monday.

I can't actually believe this is all happening. Everything seems to be moving so fast and I need to take a moment to process it all. I need to do some baking. That's what my momma used to do when she needed to think or if she was worried about anything.

When there's a lull in the conversation and people are eating, I ask Eli, “May I do some baking, Eli?”

His eyebrows furrow, “Of course you can. What's on your mind, baby?”

I'm shocked. I shouldn't be. He has a very good memory and he pays close attention to detail.

“You bake when you're worried. What's wrong?”

“Just need to process.”

“Sure? You still want to go ahead with this, right?”

“Yes, I do. I just need a moment to think, that's all.”

“Ok. I'll train with my pops and you can bake.”

“Thank you.”

“No need to thank me.”

So I bake, trying to get my head around everything that has happened in the last few weeks. I can't believe I am where I am right now. I never thought it would even be possible. When I first met Eli I couldn't even be in the same room as him without having a panic attack. Now, I can't get through a day without him. I'm not really scared at the prospect of moving in with him. I trust Eli as much as my mind will let me. I'll probably always be wary, but I trust Eli more than anyone, sometimes even myself. I think back to how I used to be and I realize I am a completely different person. I'm not 'normal' or even remotely close to the end of my recovery, but I am different. Things are better than they have been and mostly that's Eli's doing.

I'm somewhere in the middle of frosting the cake, when realization hits me. I think I might love this man. That's a scary and vulnerable thought. I'm nowhere near being ready to tell him that, especially since I've only just discovered it myself, but I'm not quite sure what this kind of love feels like. I love my parents. I know that kind of love, but it's not the same with Eli. It doesn't feel the same and it probably shouldn't, because that would be a bit weird.

I hear my poppa's voice, 'You've finally opened your eyes, Svetlyak. You see what I've been trying to tell you all this time? I told you to trust him and he hasn't let you down. I'm so proud of you, my darling.'



I pause in my cake decorating, because my poppa's words and this new revelation hit me hard. I probably shouldn't be so surprised by this, but I am. I never thought I'd be capable of loving someone, especially not a man and not in a romantic way. So much has changed in the 2 years I've known Eli and to some extent, Ash. Obviously my situation has changed, but I have changed in myself as well. As I play back the camera reel in my mind of the moments from the past 2 years, I see just how different I actually am. I didn't think anything like this was possible, but Eli, his family, Ash and the Captain have changed that. I know I will never be able to thank them enough, but I know I have to at least try. I just have to figure out exactly how I'm going to do that.