Chapter One Hundred Five



Dani



As we walk up the stairs to the floor of my apartment, the first thing I notice is that I don't really consider this my home anymore. I've lived here for about 5 years, almost a year of that was with Eli staying whenever he needed to, and since waking up in the hospital I haven't even thought about this being my home. I suppose that's partly because the house is compromised; they know where it is. It's partly because of what happened in it, and partly because I already consider the new house my home. That is the home Eli and I chose to live in; to start everything anew. And that's not because my poppa found that place all those years ago. It's because I have changed; my life has changed and my outlook on life is different. I know that I have strong feelings for Eli, I probably love him, and I know I'm never going to be able to cope without him. The only logical thing to do is to move in with him.

As I think back on this place being compromised, it sparks a panic within me. Eli must hear or feel it, because he searches the area frantically, and then scans my face for an explanation.

I whisper in a panicked voice, "What if they're here, Eli? What if they're waiting for us to come back? They'll kill us!"

"No one is here, baby."

I expose just how frightened I am when I ask, "How can you know that?"

I shrink back slightly, when I realise what I've just said. When I see the sadness in his eyes I start to apologize, but he cuts me off.

"Don't apologize. I want you to voice what you're thinking. Even if I don't always agree with you, I still want you to voice it. I know no one is here because Arrow has been watching the building, for that specific reason."

I'm shocked and my mouth falls open at his revelation. I don't know whether to be touched or frightened that they think it's a very real possibility these people will come back.

I guess my fear wins, because I whisper, "I think we should go..."

"Baby? If you hadn't thought they might come back, would you still be asking to leave? I won't make you go in there, Dani, but I don't want you to just back away because you're frightened. You've been facing your fears amazingly well recently and I'd hate for you to regret this moment if you were to leave. Arrow is watching our back. He's making sure no one suspicious comes into the building and there aren't many people better than him at telling if something is amiss. He knows what he's doing and he'll get anyone who tries to hurt either of us. I'm right here with you and I will protect you. I know I didn't do a very good job of that the first time, and I still haven't forgiven myself for that. However, because of that, I will do everything within my power to keep you safe for the rest of my life. Can you trust me enough to at least get through this visit?"

I toss his words over in my mind. He couldn't protect me the day I was attacked, because he wasn't here. Arrow wasn't here either, so I really had no one to watch out for me. This time, they're both watching out for me. They're both going to protect me. They've both given up their time, just for me. The least I can do is actually be tough and get through these next few minutes. I need to grow up and get on with it. I won't ever have to come back here again. This is the last time and the sooner I get it over with, the sooner I can get out of here.

I nod and whisper, "Yes, I trust you."

He lets out a deep sigh and takes my hand in his. It's now that I notice my hands are shaking. I guess I had too many other things on my mind to notice that before. As we step onto my floor, I see my front door at the end of the corridor. It's been fixed. I don't know why I thought it wouldn't be. It's not like they could leave the door hanging off the hinges. People would have gone in there and stolen my stuff. Not that I have much to steal; mostly books really.

Eli takes his keys out and opens the front door. I pause at the threshold to catch my breath. Those drugs aren't quite doing enough to keep the panic and fear completely trampled down. Although, this is an extreme situation, so I can't really blame the drugs for failing. There's no blood on the floor. Although I never saw the scene after I passed out, I imagined there would be a lot of blood everywhere. The doctors told me I lost so much blood before I even got to the operating table, so the only place I could have lost it was in this apartment.

I whisper, "There's no blood."

"No. I cleaned up as best I could. I didn't want you to see that."

My heart clenches at his words and the fact that he always puts so much thought into how I will feel and how he can make things easier for me.

"Thank you."

I glance around the kitchen and living room and my throat tightens as tears threaten to fall. I can see the scene unfolding before my eyes. I remember sitting at the computer, with my gun by my side, as the door gets blown off the hinges. I remember seeing those faces and the fear building up inside of me.

I can see the breathing man as he advances toward me. I can even feel the gun, heavy in my hand, as I prepare to take the shot. I remember the feeling of the kickback Eli warned me about. I can taste the sulfur and gunpowder from the released shots. I shot him seven times. Seven times! I feel my knees going weak at the realization that I took a life. Before I hit the floor, Eli is at my side and gently lowering me to the ground. He sets me on his knee as he runs his hands through my hair, over my face and rubs my back as he tries to comfort me.

A sob involuntarily rips from my throat. I didn't even think about or regret taking that man's life, not until this very moment. I understand it was a me or him situation. I get that they would have prolonged my suffering, but I still took someone's life. Something I never dreamed would happen. There's a guilt that comes with killing someone. The feeling that you took their life away from them. You've separated them from their family. Even if they were a bad person, you have taken a father away from a child or a husband away from a wife. By taking their life, you have cut all possibilities that they may redeem themselves or repent of their awful actions. All of these thoughts are coursing through my mind at a speed so fast that I can't form any words.

Eli tries to find out what is wrong, but I just stare through him, with tears streaming down my face. It's almost like I've been struck dumb and I don't even know how long it is before my sobs soften enough for Eli to get some coherent sentences out of me.

When I manage to voice my thoughts, he sighs and I see a sadness in his eyes. He is silent for a few minutes before he speaks.

"While I am sorry you have to live with that burden, I am not sorry that he's gone. I'm not going to lie about that. He hurt you, in a big way, and I'm glad he's never going to be able to get his filthy hands on you again. I'd rather have taken him out myself, so you didn't have to deal with these thoughts, but I'm glad he's gone. I know taking a life isn't an easy thing; it's not supposed to be. It's not a natural thing for a person to do, and that is why there are consequences to an action like that. I'm not going to lie to you and say it will go away, but I will promise you that you will come to realize that the world is better off without someone like him in it. I will tell you that he would have been put in prison for a very long time. He was guilty, there's no doubt about that. While I'm not usually the judge and jury on matters, I will make a judgement on this one. He'd have got the book thrown at him. It wouldn't have even made it to court, so either way he's been punished."

"What about his family? I lost my parents. What if I'm responsible for taking another child's father away?"

"No, you're not going to own that guilt. He didn't have to come here. He didn't have to hurt you. He decided to come here. What do you think his intentions were? To talk? I really don't think so. You think children are better off with a father like that? What if he had a daughter? Who's to say he didn't do the same things to her as he did to you? Do you think she would be better off if he walked out of here? Don't you dare own the guilt for his choices. I won't allow you to take that on board. That is not your fault."

I feel the passion and anger radiating from him, but surprisingly, I'm not scared. Instead, my heart swells at the way he cares for me.

I take a few minutes more to gather myself and then I stand, preparing to go through the rest of the house. I look in the gym room, and see books put back in places I would never put them. In spite of the situation, I smile slightly and run my fingers over some of the books. This room isn't so bad, but nothing really happened in here. I glide my fingers across language books and then the Lord of the Rings series. I pause and whisper, "They don't match."

"What doesn't?"

I must look confused as I say, "Language books and Lord of the Rings..."

He shoots me a lopsided smile, "I didn't know they were in an order. Sorry."

"No problem. I'm thankful you tidied up. I don't think I could have made it through this otherwise."

"You're stronger than you know. You really don't give yourself enough credit."

"I think it's because of you."

"Maybe I helped it along but you did a lot of it yourself. I can't make you change; that's something you have to do for yourself. Something you have done for yourself. You really should give yourself more credit, Dani."

I don't know what to say to his words, so I make my way to the door of the room we're currently in. The next room for us to go into is the bedroom. The door is shut and I hesitate with my hand on the door handle. I don't want to do this. This is where the worst happened. I'm trying to fight back the memories. I don't want to see those images again. I see them in my sleep and I don't want to see them in my conscious state. I fight the bile that is rising in my throat. I won't be sick. I refuse to be sick. I don't want to allow these people to reduce me to that state.

As I am struggling and fighting all of these things, I feel Eli's hand slide over mine on the handle. He gives my hand a little squeeze, but he doesn't say anything. He doesn't need to speak words. I know what that gesture means. He's telling me that he's here, that he wants to help me. At his touch, air fills my lungs and I feel like that weight sitting on my chest has lifted just a little. I can do this. As long as Eli is here, I can do this.

His hand turns the handle and the door slowly opens. I don't move straight away. I pause to try and gather myself.

Eli whispers, "You can do this baby. I'm right here. I'll always be right here."

I slowly shuffle my feet and step over the threshold, into the room that used to be my sanctuary. Whenever things got too much, this is where I used to hide. Now it's tainted; just like me. How ironic and appropriate. The images bombard my mind at such a speed that it actually feels like a physical pain. My brain feels like it is going to explode. The breath is sucked out of me, like I've been repeatedly punched in the stomach. I can see Artur advancing toward me. I can see him hovering over me, as his sweat drops onto my face. I can feel him on me and inside of me. I can feel everything all over again and my mind doesn't know how to take it all in at once.

A strange, gurgled sound leaves my throat. It's not quite a sob but not quite a scream. It doesn't sound like anything I've ever heard and I don't believe it actually comes from me. Maybe it's the years of grief and disgust coming out. Maybe it's all the years of oppression and fear finally escaping from me. I don't know, but whatever it is, it feels like it's ripping my heart in two. It's not like anything I've ever felt, including all the tears I've shed, grieving for my parents, getting clean, everything. None of that compares to what I'm feeling now.

My body doesn't know how to cope and I'm vaguely aware of Eli standing in front of me before he wraps his arms around me tightly. At first I try to fight out of his embrace. Yes, I am scared. Not of him, but you have to realize the pictures of that day are filling my mind and having arms around me is not helping to calm those images. Also, I'm totally don't know what is going on inside of me right now and every fibre in my being is trying to fight this out.

I think I hit Eli, but I'm not quite aware of what I am doing, so I can't be certain on that. Eventually, I give in and accept his embrace. He simply holds me as my body quivers and shakes with all of my emotions. The tears start, but they're not tears like I've cried before. These feel different and I don't know why or how. Don't ask me how tears can feel different, because I don't understand it myself.

It feels like a lifetime before the tears cease, but I have nothing left in me to cry. My head aches and my body feels heavy.

Eli's voice is hoarse and deep as he asks, "You want to do anything else?"

I extract myself from his embrace and when I see his face, I notice his bloodshot eyes. If I didn't know Eli was so strong, I'd think he'd been crying as well. I do something that's very unlike me and I study his face, trying to figure him out.

Sam's words come floating back to me, and I remember she said he lost something in this house as well. At the realization that Eli took care of me through my pain, even when he was experiencing his own pain, I launch myself into his arms again and squeeze him tight. I keep whispering 'thank you' over and over. I can't convey my gratitude toward this man.

Eli kisses the top of my head as he runs his fingers through my hair.

"Not that I don't appreciate your affection, but what's that for?"

"Just thank you, for everything."

"You don't need to thank me."

"I do. You didn't have to help me, but you did."

"Because I love you. That's what I'm here for. What do you want to do now?"

"Leave. I don't want this place. It's not my home anymore."

"Ok. Let's get out of here then. You did good, baby. Do you feel any different?"

I shrug, "I don't have any attachment to this place. I never thought I'd say that. I don't want to be here anymore."

"Where do you want to be?"

"At the new house, with you."

I blush at my bold words and at the dazzling smile he shoots me. I can still see a sadness in his eyes, so I bravely ask, "Eli? Are you ok?"

"Yeah."

"Really? Your eyes are sad? Did I do something wrong? If I did, you should tell me. I'll try harder..."

He kisses my knuckles, which stops me mid rant.

"No, you didn't do anything wrong, I promise. You are amazing and i'm so proud of you. I'm just sad at everything you've been through. I'm sad that I wasn't able to protect you. I should have been here. I promised to take care of you and protect you and I wasn't there when you needed me most. I feel so guilty about that. I'm supposed to be good at my job and I didn't see it coming. I didn't see that bomb scare was a setup. They caught me off guard and I don't like that. You paid a heavy price for my mistake and I hate that."

I freeze, halting our walking between the kitchen and the living room.

"You are good at your job. You think you could risk the safety of thousands of citizens over me? Because you're good at your job, you couldn't have done that. We could never have known when they'd come for me. Unless I had round the clock protection, they'd have got me. To be honest, knowing what these people are capable of, they'd have got me regardless of where I was or who I was with. They'd have just killed people to get to me. I'm glad no one else died. I couldn't live with that guilt. I'm glad you weren't here. They would have killed you, Eli. They would have made you watch them hurt me and then they would have killed you. I don't want you to ever go through that and I don't want you to feel guilty for not being here. They knew you'd do your job and protect the innocent and they used that against you. You shouldn't be ashamed that you did your job properly. You shouldn't be ashamed of who you are. Don't let them put that on you."

I take a deep breath and look in the opposite direction to where Eli is. I can't take the intensity of his stare. I don't know where the courage came from to speak those words, but I don't want Eli to feel guilty or ashamed of himself. He's good man and a good cop. Those people shouldn't be allowed to make him think otherwise.

As I'm contemplating this, Eli is quickly in front of me. His swift movement takes me by surprise and I inhale a sharp breath before stumbling backward slightly. I know we're the only ones here, but it's an instinctive reaction; something that's going to take a long time to quit doing.

He whispers, "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. You really are the most amazing person I have ever met. No, don't doubt that. It's the truth. You could resent me or the rest of the team for not getting here or the whole of bomb squad for not figuring out the threat was a hoax sooner, but you don't."

I mumble, "There's no point to that."

"I will always feel guilty and regret that I failed you, but I will make up for it for the rest of my life. I'll learn from my mistake and I won't let it happen again."

"I know."

He kisses my cheek and wraps his arm around my shoulders as he leads me out of the apartment for the last time.