Chapter One Hundred Seven



Dani





I can see Eli wondering about the way I am with Arrow. I can't explain it, but I feel more comfortable with Arrow than most people. Of course it's not like being with Eli, but I don't worry Arrow is going to hurt me as much as I normally would. Maybe because he did such an amazing thing for me, or maybe it's because I am trusting a bit more. Whatever the reason, I know I can't tell Eli exactly what Arrow did for me, for us. He'll feel obligated to report it and then we'll all be in serious trouble. Arrow would probably go to jail, for protecting me. I can't let that happen. No matter how hard keeping this secret will be.

When Arrow leaves, I help clear up after dinner while Eli does some training with his dad. They're still in the gym room when everything is cleaned away, so I go to the shower. I'm starting on a new book when Eli walks into the bedroom, sweat all over his t shirt, which he quickly pulls over his head. I watch him out the corner of my eye, stunned momentarily. The sight of him shirtless still makes me feel weird. I don't know if it's fear, being uncomfortable or what, but it's an odd feeling. I don't think I'm worried he's going to try anything. To be honest, if he'd wanted to do that, he could have tried a long time ago. He didn't and he hasn't put any pressure on me, so I don't think he'll hurt me. I still have my memories and the sight of naked men fills my stomach with dread. While my conscious mind knows Eli isn't going to try anything, my subconscious isn't quite so sure. That's the part of me that will always be frightened something is going to happen. That part of my mind will always expect the worst to happen. It's not like an irrational fear, where you worry the most crazy things happen to you. I've already lived everything my mind is conjuring up, so to me it isn't so far fetched to wait for something to go horribly wrong again.

I'm so lost in my thoughts, that I don't notice Eli until the bed dips under his weight. I gasp and jump to the other side of the bed. Eli quickly stands up again and raises his hands in the universal surrender sign.

"Dani? Baby? What's wrong?"

I try to still my racing heart before I whisper, "I didn't know you were right there. Sorry."

"No need to apologize. You didn't hear me get in the shower?"

I shake my head sheepishly, feeling my face heat up with embarrassment.

"I thought you heard me, sorry baby. You ok now?"

"Yes sir."

I move into the middle of the bed again and Eli lays down on his side of the bed.

"You still reading that?"

I close the book and place it on the night stand.

"No."

"Want to talk?"

"Ok."

He lifts his arm and I tuck myself against him. I never, ever thought I'd be able to do such a thing. I honestly never believed I would be comfortable enough in someone's presence to be able to get close enough to touch them, let alone hug them or sleep in the same bed as them. The sudden need to thank Eli overwhelms me again. I forget myself for a moment and place a quick kiss on his chest and whisper, "Thank you."

I feel his voice on the side of my face, as it rests on his chest again.

"For what?"

I can almost see the confused look on his face and it makes me want to chuckle. That look is very endearing.

"For everything. For being you. I never believed it was possible for me to be like this with someone and I have you to thank for that. You took a chance to help me. You saw something no one else saw, least of all me. I didn't think there was any hope for me to have even a fraction of happiness and normality, but you've shown me otherwise. I know I'm not normal, but you've given me a little taste of what a normal life is like. So, thank you."

"You're welcome. I'm glad I can make you happy."

I'm feeling embarrassed now, so I change the subject completely. "Did you get the thing sorted out for the Captain?"

"Yes ma'am. We got what we needed, so he's happy."

"Good. He won't need two cups of coffee before we start work tomorrow then?"

I hear and feel him chuckle. "Was that a joke? I believe you are becoming a bit sarcastic, Danica. Have you been learning from Ash by any chance?"

I smile, "Probably. I don't know where else I'd learn it."

"It is like his second language. You should have heard him when we were in the Marines. He was terrible. You've actually had a calming influence on him. The other guys in our squad could never figure out if he was serious or joking. He used to play on that so bad. It got him in to trouble more times than I can count."

"I don't always know if he's joking either. Except for when he does that boyish grin. Then I know he's joking."

"He has a way of making people forget they were ever mad at him. That's quite a skill. Saved his butt a few times as well."

"I can imagine. Eli?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think he's happy? I know he smiles all the time, but do you think he's actually happy?"

I've been thinking about this for a little while. Before Eli made it his life's mission to befriend me, it was always him and Ash together. I'd see them laughing and joking and working together. Now it seems like Eli only spends his time with me.

"What makes you ask that, baby?"

I voice my thoughts and he's quiet for a minute or two before answering.

"I still talk to him and spend time with him, but my priorities have changed now. He knows that and he does understand that. I don't think he's unhappy. He's not ready to settle down yet, and until he is, he won't fully understand what we've got here. He will find someone eventually, but for now he's happy being Ash. I love that you're worried about him, but he wouldn't want you to worry, I promise."

"Ok. But you'll try to spend more time with him, right?"

"Yes ma'am, I will. How about him joining us for dinner on Sunday? Would you be ok with that? It might help with Beth being here. He'll break the ice, no matter what."

"I think that's a good idea."

"I'll ask him tomorrow. So, how was the session with Sam?"

"Hard. Like really hard. She wanted me to talk about going back to the apartment, but I kept freaking out. All I could see were those images and you weren't there. I kept panicking because I couldn't find you... My rational mind wasn't working and I just kept thinking they'd got you. I know it doesn't make any sense, but..."

He runs his fingers through my hair and I close my eyes, thinking about my momma doing the same thing when I was a child.

"I'm sorry, baby. I wish I could have been there. I should have been there."

"No, it's ok. You had to work, and I get that. I know your job isn't always going to stay in the shifts you're set to work. I understand that. I wouldn't have been so bad, if we didn't discuss the apartment I don't think. She's trying to get information from me that I don't want to give."

"Is that why your session ran longer tonight?"

I nod, "She couldn't get me to calm down. She told me she nearly called Arrow in."

"How would that have gone?"

"Probably not very well. I was only looking for you. Anyone else would have made it worse."

"So what happened?"

"She backed off completely and started rambling about something random. I don't even know what because all I could think of was the periodic table in ten different languages and then trying to translate the lyrics to 'Gravity' into as many languages as possible. That's harder than it sounds. The literal translations are a bit messed up in most of them..."

He chuckles and I feel him kiss the top of my head before he speaks, "Only you could come up with something like that. I know you think your mind is a curse sometimes, but it honestly is an amazing thing. I know it's difficult to deal with the memories, but you truly have a gift there. A gift that you are using to help so many people."

"It's only the memories that make me hate my brain. If I didn't have those memories then it would be so different."

"Of course it would be. But then you wouldn't be my Dani. You are who you are in spite of everything you've been through. I wouldn't want you to be any other way now. I love you the way you are."

I feel my eyelids flutter closed. I didn't realize how tied I was until just now. Those panic attacks really take it out of me.

"You falling asleep on me? Am I that boring?"

"Hmmm? Oh! No sir. My momma used to run her fingers through my hair to get me to fall asleep."

He kisses my forehead and whispers, "Get some sleep sweetheart. Goodnight."

"Night Eli."



Work the next day is... weird. The Cap is happier than usual, which Eli told me about last night. The atmosphere is different though, like something is going on and I'm missing it completely. Arrow turns up just before the teams go in for briefing. He stands in front of my desk and says, "Hey Dani. How's it going?"

"Hi. It's ok. You?"

"Can't complain."

"You thinking of joining the team, sir?"

He looks confused, something I don't think he ever really is. He seems like the kind of person who always has everything sussed out.

"No, that's definitely not for me. Why do you ask?"

"You're here again."

He chuckles, "You don't miss a trick, do you?"

I'm not sure if he's being evasive or he's making fun of me. I don't think he'd be rude and make fun of me, but I don't know him that well. Just because he went out on a limb for me, doesn't mean he has to be nice to me. He knows I won't tell Eli, because he'll feel obligated to turn him in. Arrow knows I wouldn't put Eli in that position, where he has to choose between a close friend and the law. He also could probably talk his way out of it if I told the Captain, so I don't believe he's worried I'll turn him in myself. So, he doesn't have to be nice to me to keep me quiet.

I do like this guy. I might not trust him, but I do like him better than most people. That's definitely a new thing for me. I'm not quite sure how to process or deal with that new enlightenment. However, I'm being brave by questioning him and I almost feel like he's throwing it back in my face and poking fun at me.

I bite my lip, drop my head and whisper, "Never mind. I'm sorry, sir."

I hear him sigh and I assume I've done something wrong. That's always my first assumption. I had to learn to not make mistakes very quickly in that awful place. Mistakes meant more pain and that's something I tried to minimize any way I could.

Just as my thoughts and the memories are starting to consume me, I hear Arrow call my name. Unfortunately, he makes the mistake of dropping his head, right into my line of vision. Having him right in front of my face scares me and I shoot my chair back, almost falling off it in the process. I feel my breathing kick up a notch and I hear myself whisper, "Please, not now... Please don't do this..."

I'm trying to talk myself out of a panic attack. I don't know why one has appeared all of a sudden. I haven't had one like this at work for a while. Maybe it's because people know not to get too close, or maybe it's the drugs. I don't know. But the combination of my thoughts consuming me and Arrow's face right in front of me has set me off. I quickly snap the band on my wrist, but it's not working. My chest feels tight and I'm struggling to take in breaths. They're coming in in ragged, sporadic bursts. I'm trying to concentrate on calming down but my brain is so foggy that I can't remember how to concentrate on breathing.

I'm so unaware of my surroundings, because I'm fixed on trying to count. That really isn't working, so I start reciting the periodic table in every language I know. I'm at the 7th language, when someone appears in front of me. I try to shoot back even more, but my chair is against something and I can't move. I try to stand, but my legs won't work. That's when I hear a voice, shouting my name.

"Dani! It's me. It's Eli. I need you to focus on my voice, sweetheart. Please, just listen to my voice..."

I manage to squeeze out, "Eli....? It hurts..."

"I know, baby, I know. I'm trying to help you. Can you count with me?"

"I tried..."

He must know what I mean, even without me saying, because he says, "Ok. You want to give me your hand?"

I tentatively reach my hand toward him and he places it on his chest. I don't really see this, but I feel his heartbeat under my palm, so I know that's what he's done. At first his heart rate is quick, but then he steadies it, like he usually does.

I hear him say, "Count the beats, sweetheart."

I start counting and he encourages me, "That's my girl. Just concentrate on counting those beats. It's ok, baby. I'm right here..."

I don't know how long it takes for my breathing to return to the upper end of normal, but to me it feels like hours. When I'm in the throws of a panic attack, time slows down considerably. Seconds feel like minutes and minutes feel like hours, especially when I can't breathe properly.

I'm staring at my hand on Eli's chest when he whispers, "Hey. You back with me?"

"Yes sir. I'm sorry."

I choke back a sob. I don't want to cry now, not at work where everybody will see me.

"No need to apologize. Come here..."

He raises his arms and I gladly accept his embrace. As he's shielding me from everyone and everything, I hear Cain grunt, "Who upset her? I'll tear them a new one..."

That's certainly a surprise. Cain is all about protecting me now. I suppose he knows first hand how things affect me.

I feel Eli's voice rumble in his chest, "Anderson... While I appreciate that you want to protect Dani, it's all under control."

"You sure, Lieutenant?"

"Yes, I'm sure. Go get ready for briefing. Call all the guys in."

"Yes sir."

"Arrow, you stay here a minute."

I don't hear Arrow respond, but Eli's tone leaves no room for negotiating. I've probably got Arrow in trouble, and it wasn't his fault, not really. It was my overactive mind and my stupid memories that set this off.

I whisper, "Eli?"

"Yes baby?"

"Don't tell him off, please? It's not his fault."

He pretty much snaps, "How can it not be his fault? He was the only one here with you. I swear, if he hurt you..."

I retract myself from his arms. He's never used that tone with me. Well, not since we argued in the hospital when I didn't want to talk to the detectives about what happened in my apartment.

I drop my head and stare at the ground as I step away from him. I don't like that tone. I don't like him being mad at me, but I'm wary of that way of talking.

He sighs and rubs his hands over his face, possibly realizing what he just did. His next words are in Russian, so no one can understand him.

"Sorry. I'm sorry, Dani. That was not smart of me and I really wasn't thinking. I was worried about you and he was the only one here when you panicked. You'll forgive me if I assume he had something to do with it."

"He didn't, not really. He just tried to get my attention. I was lost in my thoughts and his face appeared in front of me. It freaked me out and I couldn't get myself back from it. I'm sorry, Eli."

"It's not your fault. Please don't apologize. Why don't you go freshen up and I'll sort this out with Arrow. Yeah?"

"Yes sir."

I don't need to be told twice and I make a dash for the bathroom. I need some space to clear my head and get my emotions under control again. My head is pounding, like a migraine is going to start. That's not unusual after a panic attack like that.

When I return from the bathroom, all the teams are in the briefing room, and Arrow is with them. Something is going on and I'm positive I'm missing a major detail. Arrow has helped Eli out with cases before, but he's been here a few times in the last few weeks. That means it's something current. The only open case I know Eli's been helping with is my case, but surely he's not allowed to be involved in that. Isn't that a conflict of interests? I didn't think family and friends were allowed to be involved in active investigations of people they know. But the guys that hurt me are in jail or dead, right? They'll never find find the devil man, so I don't believe they're really looking for him. Eli hasn't spoken about that since he showed me the photo of the devil man. Maybe because he knows how much it upsets me.

I feel my heart rate quicken just at the thought. If they're looking for this man, then they are in danger! We're all in danger! They need to stop this! I can't let them get killed for me! Just as I'm talking to myself, trying to calm down again, I hear someone clear their throat in front of my desk. I look up quickly and see Arrow standing there, looking guilty. Probably something else he's not used to feeling.

He says, "Hey. I'm sorry, Dani. I didn't mean to scare you."

I shrug, trying to play it down. "It happens sometimes."

"I should have been a bit more considerate or sensitive. Those aren't really my strengths if I'm honest with you."

"It's ok."

I don't know if it really is, but isn't that the socially acceptable thing to do or say when someone apologizes? I think we've established that I'm pretty awkward socially, so I don't know for sure about these things.

"It's not really ok. I upset you and I didn't mean to do that. I was joking with you, you know that, right?"

I must look confused, because he explains. "When I said you don't miss a trick. I was joking and trying to divert your attention away from where your questions were headed..."

Huh, so I was right about him being evasive. I show some honesty and I whisper, "I don't know when people are joking."

I don't know if I meant to actually say that, but it slipped out and I can't take it back once the words have left my mouth.

He looks shocked, "Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"Wow, I didn't know. Sorry."

"Not your fault."

"Still, I am sorry."

"It's ok."

I decide to just bite the bullet and get my question out there, even at the risk of getting told off.

"Arrow? Are you guys working on my case?"

I need to know. I have to know if they're in danger. I have to try and protect them any way I can. I might not know exactly what these people are to me, but I know that I don't want any harm to come to them. I'm not quite sure what friendship entails, it's only really things I've read about. However, I do know that you're supposed to help and take care of the people you like. That's why I have to know, so I can try to help and protect them.

He looks shocked. I fight my natural urge to drop my head and I study his features. I want to see his reactions before he can mask them. Since I escaped from that place, I have read a lot about micro expressions. They are the expressions and reactions that happen directly after a situation, question or the like. They're reactions that only happen for milliseconds, but they're very difficult to hide because they are completely natural and almost something you don't even think about.

I see his shock before he can mask it and then he chuckles. He actually chuckles. I don't know why he does that.

"Eli wasn't wrong when he said you were smart. You figured it out. You can't tell him I told you. He doesn't want to upset or worry you."

Worry me?! I don't know if it's worse knowing or being kept in the dark. I know Eli thinks keeping it hidden is for my protection, but what if they kill him? I would never have known what was going on and I'd never be able to forgive myself.

Just as I'm about to question Arrow again, Ash appears.

"Arrow, Ramirez wants you to get on that job for him and let him know what you come up with."

"On it. I'll see you later Dani."

I simply nod, my mind full of questions. Questions that I don't know how to voice. If I can't tell Eli I know, can I ask Ash? Probably not, because he'll go straight to Eli. Am I brave enough to actually voice my concerns to Arrow? Again, probably not.

As Arrow is grabbing his stuff, he whispers, "Don't worry, Dani. I'll make sure he's safe."

I nod again and before I can blink, Arrow is gone. That guy is definitely unlike anyone I've ever met. I watch Eli through the window of the briefing room. He has his serious face on, which means they're discussing something big. I don't usually ask about the cases I'm not involved in, but something tells me I'm going to have to trample down my fear and ask someone. Not something I'm looking forward to, but if I can keep them safe, then I'll have to do it.