Here's chapter twelve. This was really difficult for me to write. I hope that shows through in my writing. It was very emotional. Please vote and comment. I have to thank you all, Tough Love has received over 570 reads. You guys really are awesome. I give you a virtual high five :-D



Chapter Twelve

I just sit in the middle of my bed staring at the locked door. I don't want to sleep because I don't want to dream, but I am so tired. I'm tired in my body, in my mind, and in my heart. I must have drifted off to sleep because the next thing I know I'm waking up in a cold sweat and Eli is pounding on the door.

“Dani? What's wrong? Dani?!”

I get off the bed with shaky legs and stand by the bedroom door. I place my hand on the cool wood and imagine I can feel Eli's touch, that I'm normal and I'm not scared of his comforting touch. I whisper, “I'm ok, sir.”

“Dani, please open the door.”

I take a deep breath and slowly open the door to reveal a very worried and disheveled Eli. His eyes quickly dart around my room, I guess looking for dangers, before his eyes rest on me. I notice that they soften slightly when he takes in my appearance. He must have known I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep, because he says, “Let me make you some tea. Come sit down, sweetheart.”

We are surrounded in complete silence as he makes 2 cups of tea. My breathing seems to be the only thing I can hear as I am overly aware how ragged it is. Eli knows not to put my cup in front of me. He leaves it on the other side of the counter and he moves away, allowing me to reach for the cup. I hold it in my shaking hands, but decide there's a great risk I'm going to spill it so I put it back on the counter and just wrap my hands around it. I suddenly feel freezing cold. Not cold on the outside, cold from the inside out. Like I have a chill all the way through to my bones. I see Eli move, and then a blanket is placed on the counter to the side of me. I whisper a thank you before wrapping the blanket around my shivering body.

Eli sighs and then whispers, “Dani? What's going on? You can't keep this up much longer.”

I choke back a sob, knowing he's right but not wanting to take the plunge and trust someone. Eli is leaning against the refrigerator, watching me intently. I can feel his eyes on me, scrutinizing me, judging me.

“How long are you going to pretend you're fine? How sick do you have to get before you let me in?... Just let me in Danica. Just take a leap of faith and trust me. Just start small. You know deep down that I'm not going to hurt you, don't you? You want to trust me, don't you? Just let go and let me help you.”

A lone tear slides down my cheek and I feel my heart tear just a little more. I can't help but question what Eli wants. I manage to choke out, “Why? What do you want from me?”

He sighs, a deep pain filled sigh. “Why do I have to want anything? Why can't I just want to help? Does everything have to an ulterior motive?”

I stay silent, knowing now isn't a good time to speak.

“Ok, so you're not going to be forthcoming, let me ask you some questions.”

My eyes widen and I'm sure he can see the panic in them, because he says, “Calm down Dani. We'll just start small, ok? Here, take my gun.”

He slides his gun toward me and I quickly snatch it up. I don't know why, but I find the whole gesture a little comforting, like he's starting to have a calming effect on me. I try to take a deep breath and wait for what's coming.

Eli clears his throat and I'm sure I can feel nervousness radiate from him. I can't imagine why he would be nervous. He's not the one that has all this baggage. He's not the one who has to be interrogated. Then I think about it, and how I would react if someone told my story to me for the first time. I realize he must have a million ideas floating through his mind, especially seeing all the things he has. He must be conjuring up all sorts of scenarios in his head. Maybe that's why he's nervous. Maybe I'll just make his fears worse than they already are.

I jump when I hear Eli clear his throat again and he smiles slightly in spite of the situation. “Dani, I don't want you to think I'm pressuring you into telling me anything. I just want to help, ok?”

I nod slightly, so he continues, “How did you get into drugs? You said it wasn't by choice, so what happened?”

My breathing kicked up a notch. I couldn't do this; I couldn't answer his questions. I didn't want to do this. Then something inside me almost screamed, 'You're going to kill yourself if you carry on this way. Just take a deep breath and jump. You need to do this.'

I was startled. The voice sounded like someone was actually standing right next to me. I took a deep breath and whispered, “Bad men.”

Wow, so eloquent Dani. I might have a photographic memory and a high IQ, but gosh I'm an idiot.

“Bad men made you take drugs? Why?”

“Control.”

“They wanted to control you?”

I nod and I think Eli sighs out of frustration. I don't think this is going as he planned. He tries a new approach, and I don't know if he's trying to fill in the blanks or just trying to make me more comfortable. He asks, “How did you come to America, Dani?”

“My parents... My poppa was looking for a better life for us. Our village in Russia was being torn down for a big company.”

“Do you have any brothers or sisters?”

“No sir, just me.”

“How old were you?”

“10.”

“So it was just you and your parents here?”

“Yes sir.”

“Did you speak English?”

“A little.”

“So, when your parents died, I'm guessing the state's options were limited with what to do with you?”

I nodded and said, “They were going to send me back.”

“Why didn't they?”

I shrugged, “ I don't know. I guess they felt bad for me. I have no family there.”

“So what happened to you?”

I let a few tears escape and I shook my head. I didn't realize how easy the first part was or how difficult this part was.

“Ok, ok. Shhh, calm down sweetheart. It's ok. Just take a deep breath. We'll go back a bit. Just breathe.... How long were you here before your parents died?”

“Six months.”

“Wow, that's not long. Do you mind me asking how they died?”

I suppressed another sob. I'd never really grieved so it was all still quite raw.

“Drunk driver... I should have died too.”

“No, don't say that. If you were dead, then I wouldn't have met you.”

I quickly retorted, “If I was dead then I wouldn't be so broken...”

I gasped and put my hand over my mouth, not believing I'd let that slip out. I shrunk back in my chair, expecting an explosion that never happened. I frowned and Eli must have noticed that.

“What? What was the frown for?”

“Nothing.”

“Listen Dani, as much as it hurts right now, as broken as you feel, you can rectify it. You can get your life back together and recover from this. You don't have to feel like you'd be better off dead. That's not true. You deserve to be alive and to feel whole again.”

“No I don't... You don't know that.”

“I know that you're scared; I know that you're a good person, despite what life has thrown at you. I know that you deserve a chance at being happy; everyone deserves a shot at that.”

“Really? Even people who do horrible things?”

“Yes, even those people. They choose to do bad things, which means they passed up on their chance. But they still deserve that chance before they ruin it.”

I just nod and wait for the next round of questions.

“Dani, to get any further, I have to ask the uncomfortable questions. I'm sorry, but we can't go any further unless I do.”

I nod again. I feel numb but I also ache everywhere. I ache inside and out, my emotions even feel sore. I'm sure that's not even possible, but that's how I feel.

Something inside me says, 'You can do this, Svetlyak.'

I gasp internally. That's what my poppa used to call me; his little firefly. He used to say I lit up a room like a firefly lit up a glass jar. I'd never believed my poppa could speak to me again. I'd longed for his voice in all those long, awful nights. In my drug haze, I'd imagined he was with me, but he never spoke to me.

Eli brought me out of my daze by clearing his throat again. “Dani, you ok?"

I shrugged. I couldn't say yes, because really, I wasn't ok.

“Do you want to go back to bed?”

I shook my head violently.

“Do you have nightmares every night?”

“Yes sir.”

“Are they always that bad?”

“They vary.”

“Do you want to talk about them?”

“No sir."

“Not ready for that?”

“No sir.”

Not only was I not ready to talk about them, he wasn't ready to hear them. They disgusted me, and I saw them first hand. I already knew what happened, so I really shouldn't be surprised any more.

“What happened after your parents died, Dani? Did you go into the system?”

I could only manage to say, “Yes sir.”

I wiped a few tears away and that voice spoke to me again. 'Go on, Svetlyak. Have faith in this young man.'

“Where did they put you?”

I bit the bullet and just went for it. “At first I was put in a temporary home, until they could figure out what to do with me. But my English wasn't very good so after 2 months they put me with a Russian family.”

“What were they like?”

“They were nice... at first.”

“What do you mean, at first?”

I paused. This was almost a do or die moment. Once I told this part, there was no going back. At the last second, I bottled out and instead of explaining, I just said, “They were pretty normal, I guess. They weren't like my parents, but they taught me English, sent me to school, that kind of thing.”

“How long were you with them?”

“Until I was 15.”

“Where did you go after that?”

I shook my head and sobbed. I whispered, “I can't... You can't... You'll hate me...”

“Oh baby, I could never hate you... What happened? You've come this far, sweetheart. Don't give up on me now.”

I just shook my head and sobbed. I couldn't do it. Whatever strength I had before, it was gone now. I tucked my knees under my chin and sobbed.



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(Eli's POV)

I can't stand to see Dani like this. Is it really that bad? I mean, I've seen some awful things in my line of work, but I've never seen anyone so broken, so scared. I almost don't want to know what happened, but this isn't about me. It isn't for me. This is to help Dani, and no matter how much it kills me, I have to suck it up and just focus on her.

The sobs that are wracking through that poor girl's body would break even the toughest person. I feel so helpless. I want to comfort her, so I test the waters by slowly stepping towards her. Her body snaps to attention and she points the gun square at me. I've never really thought she'd do it, but the look in her eyes right now tells me that she would. I don't actually think she realizes it's me standing here. I have to say something.

“Dani? It's me sweetheart. It's Eli.... It's ok, it's ok. Just take deep breaths and count with me...”

I count with her and I take a small step back, just to give her some space. I wait for her sobs to subside and then I say, “Baby? I want to help. You need help. I know you're scared, but you need to talk about it. You need to release it, otherwise it's going to kill you. What did they do to you?”

I see her take a deep breath, like she's resigning herself to something before she shakily whispers, “They... sold... me...”

My breath actually catches in the back of my throat and I grab onto the counter to steady myself. I feel like the wind has been knocked right out of me. I take a few deep, steadying breaths. I can't let my anger show; I'm sure that would scare her even more. They sold a 15 year old child?! Who did they sell her to?! What were they thinking?! How were people like that even allowed to foster children?!

My heart is almost breaking for her, and I don't think its even possible for my heart to hurt any more.

I manage to whisper, “Who did they sell you to?”

I see more tears fall, and then a determined look steels her features before she says, “A Russian..... brothel....”

I was wrong. My heart can hurt even more. I actually double over from the pain I feel inside and I feel bile rise from my stomach. I can't be sick. She'll think I'm disgusted by her. I have to stay strong, just for Dani's sake. I let her cry for a bit and then I say, “I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm so so so sorry. You should never have had to go through that. I'm so sorry...”

What else can I say? There's nothing that can make that go away, nothing that can make it all better. There's no magic words; no miracle cure for something like that. I can only imagine what this poor girl has had to go through. No, I can't think about that right now. I have to stay focused. I can't afford to let my mind wander onto what might have happened.

“That's why you were on the drugs. To keep you subdued.” It wasn't a question. Things were falling into place now. If I was a cussing man, I think I'd give a sailor a run for his money right now.

Despite how awful Dani must feel, she manages to say, “It's not your fault, sir.”

I smile at her, and say, “You're such a sweetheart. It might not be my fault, but I can still be sorry. No one should have to deal with something like that, especially a young girl who was supposed to be taken care of by the state. How did you get out?”

She seems more comfortable with this part. She doesn't seem to struggle so much as she says, “Faked an overdose. They thought I was dead and threw me in the trash...”

“What? How?”

“How, what?”

“Well, how did they think they would get away with throwing you in the trash? And how did you even fake an overdose to that extent? I mean, they would have seen you breathing, wouldn't they?”

“They didn't care if I was found. I was just another runaway junkie... I mixed certain drugs to induce a near death unconsciousness. It could have gone wrong, I guess.”

“You guess? Really?”

She shrugs, like it's no big deal. “The alternative was much worse, trust me.”

I'm actually shocked. She talks about dying like it's no big deal. I guess I don't really know what happened, so I can't really judge her.

I decide she needs to rest now. She looks completely shattered. “Dani, you need to get some sleep. You should take some of the meds the doctor prescribed...”

She looks scared, “I can't....”

“Why not?”

“I... I can't take any drugs...”

“None? Not even Advil or Tylenol?”

“No sir, nothing.... That's a slippery slope for me...”

“Wow. I'm sorry. How can I help you to sleep then?”

“You can't.”

“There must be something I can do to help, Dani.”

She shakes her head, then pauses before whispering, “Just... don't hurt me, sir...”

My heart both breaks and swells at the same time. In that one sentence, she has shown the ultimate trust in me. She's revealed how vulnerable she actually is, but also that she is trying to trust me.

“I'll try my hardest. I can only promise that I will never intentionally hurt you. I know you may not believe that right now, but I'll show you.”

I glance at the clock and note that time is now 8:34am. We've been talking for just over 3 hours.

“Come on, you need to at least try to rest. I'm right here if you need me. Just shout for me, ok? And Dani? Thank you for trusting me enough to talk to me.”

I wait until I hear Dani's bedroom door lock and then I slide down the wall in the hallway. I silently sob, as reality sudden comes crashing down on me. That poor, sweet girl. I can only imagine what she's been through. She had everything taken from her. Her family, her life and then her innocence. I decide I will whatever it takes to help her lead as normal a life as she possibly can. I have to show her that not everyone is like that.



END of Eli's POV

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