Chapter One Hundred Fourteen

Dani

As I'm talking to Ash and Connie about the new house, I can feel Eli's eyes on me. The thought leaves a funny feeling in my stomach and chest. I am embarrassed that he's staring at me, but I also feel a bit special. Out of all of the people here, he's focused on me and no one else. While that would normally be a bad situation for me to be in and it would stir up major fear in me, I know this is Eli. I know he's not going to hurt me. He has shown me that a million times over in the time I have known him. I do trust him. Even if it's not complete, blind trust, it still is trust. It is as much as my jaded mind and heart will allow right now. I say right now, because I have changed so much in the last few months so who knows what will happen over the coming months and years. I only hope Eli will stay with me for that long; that he won't get bored or frustrated with me and leave. I know he says he won't now, but the fear is still in the back of my mind. I don't know if I'll ever really be able to release that fear.

Ash chuckles and mutters, "He's staring at you, Dani. You think he's trying to drag you over there by his superpowers?"

I whisper, "Is that another one of them?"

Ash looks shocked at first and then he laughs, "What other powers does he have? Or do I not want to know?"

I feel the blood rush to my face and I'm certain I am beet red. The familiar pang of fear appears at Ash's words; at what he's insinuating. I guess he realizes what he's said because he apologizes quickly.

"I'm sorry, darlin'. I wasn't thinking. Sorry."

I bite back my fear. I know Ash means me no harm.

"It's ok. And his hearing is his superpower. He probably can hear us now..."

Eli's voice is right behind me when he says, "Yep, I can. Sorry, I didn'tmean to make you jump, sweetheart."

I let out a squeak at his voice as I jump. I try to steady my heart and Eli speaks in Russian, "You ok? I saw he made you panic. Everything ok?"

I nod because words aren't forthcoming right now. I'm still working on slowing my heart down and I involuntarily place my hand on Eli's chest to count his heartbeats. He looks down at me, eyeing me closely, but he doesn't miss a beat in the conversation.

"You think I have superpowers?"

I nod, embarrassed.

Ash laughs and Connie coos at us.

Ash's laugh softens to chuckles as he says, "Don't worry, she only told me about your hearing."

"Babe, you really think I have supersonic hearing?"

By now my heart is beating at it's normal rate and I know it's my Eli here. He's not going to let anything happen to me, so I'm a bit braver with my answer.

"Of course you do. You hear everything."

"It must be the bat in me..."

He shoots me a wink and I gasp, turn bright red again and splutter out,"You heard that?!"

His chuckle is the only response I need.

"All this time you knew and you didn't say anything?"

"I thought it was cute and I didn't want to ruin that..."

Ash interrupts our dialogue, "And I think that's our cue to leave the couple alone, Momma C. I don't want to be hearing all of that mushy stuff..."

I know he's not serious because he laughs and sends me a wink before taking Connie's hand and leading her away. Eli holds me close and kisses the top of my head.

"You really think I have superpowers?"

"Yes. You saved me, how can you not have special powers?"

The huge grin Eli sends my way makes it feel like a million bugs have just crawled into my stomach and chest. It also makes my knees a little wobbly.

I take in a shaky breath and let it out slowly. Eli picks up on thisand the concern in his voice shows exactly how much he cares.

"What's wrong, Dani?"

"I don't know how to deal with the things I'm feeling. I don't know what they mean."

"What are you feeling?"

"Like there's a million bugs in my stomach."

"That's what we call butterflies. Almost like nervousness, but not quite the same?"

I nod.

"That's what happens when you have feelings for someone; more than friendship feelings. You don't have to do or say anything right now. I'm just telling you what they mean. I'm trying to help you understand. Are you excited about getting the keys tomorrow?"

I know what he's doing. He's trying to change the subject so I don't over think his previous statement. This man knows me far too well.

"Yes sir. You?"

"Like you wouldn't believe. I almost feel like a little boy with a brand new toy. It's going to be awesome."

I shake my head, but smile at his excitement, "You're too much, Eli. You really are special."

"As long as I'm special to you, then I can live with that."

Beth appears beside us, smiling very brightly.

"You have a wonderful friends, Dani. This is a special group of people."

"I know."

"I like Ash. He's my favorite. But don't you dare tell anyone I said that."

Both Eli and I chuckle at her admission and I feel Eli's voice vibrate through his chest and into my back when he speaks.

"I would never tell him such a thing. I'd never hear the end of it."

"Of course, you are my ultimate favorite, but I consider you family now. I can see how much you love Dani, but you be good to her. You hearme?"

"Yes ma'am. I hear you."

"Good. I don't care if you work for the NYPD or the CIA, if you hurt Dani I will find a way to hurt you."

Eli's arms tighten around my waist.

"You don't have to worry, Beth. I'm not going to hurt her. I promised Dani I would take care of her and I never break a promise."

"Good. I hope it stays that way. Your family is very welcoming, Eli."

"They love having new people over. My mom loves to cook and be the host."

"Well, she's very good at both."

I ask, "So you're enjoying yourself, Beth?"

"Very much. Thank you for inviting me."

Beth seems to fit in well with everyone and she disappears again to talk to Connie and Karen. I tilt my head back, look up at Eli and ask,"May I go inside for a little while, please?"

"Of course. You don't need to ask. Are you ok?"

"I just need a minute. It's all a bit much right now."

He kisses the top of my head and releases his arms from around me so I can go back inside. As I step away from him, Eli whispers, "Baby? Thank you for letting me stand behind you like that. I know it makes you nervous, so thank you for trusting me."

I send him a small smile. He knows me far too well. It's actually a bit scary. How could he know that was one of the reasons I needed a break? How does he know these things? The BBQ is in full swing now and the guys in particular are getting louder. I have a suspicion Tyler and John may have brought some alcohol, but I'm trying not to think about that. I have to trust that Eli will take care of me. He won't let anything happen to me. I don't believe Ash would let anyone hurt me, but I don't know if he knows about my fear of people drinking. If him and Arrow start drinking as well, Eli won't be able to protect me from all of them.

I hide in the bedroom for a little while, just trying to calm myself down and get my head together a bit. For someone who doesn't like crowds, this is a big deal. I know there aren't really that many people over for the BBQ, but it is way more than I'm used to. I'm trying to be brave and trying to be a better person, which is why I agreed to do this. Eli and his family have pretty much put their lives on hold for me, so the least I can do is try. I don't want to be so selfish and annoying. I don't want them to resent me or think that I'm not even trying.

Eli comes to find me about 20 minutes later and I'm still sitting on the bed, thinking.

He whispers, "Hey. How you doing?"

I shrug, "I'm tired now."

"Probably because you're stressed and worried. You're doing great though."

"Are you scared, Eli?"

"Of what?"

"That something is going to go wrong. It's been quiet for a while now. I'm scared it's the calm before... What's that saying?"

He smiles slightly. "The storm. It's the calm before the storm. Sometimes I forget English isn't your first language. Of course I'm scared, Dani. I worry every single day. I worry that something is going to happen to you. I worry that I might not make it home to you. I'm scared that one day you'll wake up and you're going to be frightened of me again. I worry that I'm going to do something wrong and things will go back to the way they were when we first met. But I can't and won't let that fear take over. I have to be strong for you; I want to be strong for you. I'm going to use that worry to make me more cautious, but I'm not going to let it cloud my judgement. I'm keeping a level head, because if I don't, something will happen and that will be my fault. I know you're scared, baby, but I will do everything in my power to make sure we're both safe. I can't promise nothing will ever happen, but I can promise that I will do everything within my power to prevent anything bad happening. Can you trust that?"

I nod, "I'm sorry I get so scared."

"You don't need to apologize. I know you don't mean to or want to be so frightened. I know it's not something you can easily control. You're trying to change that and I'm so proud of you. Are you ok to go back out there? I think some people will be leaving soon."

I nod, stand, and reach for his hand. "Thank you, Eli. For everything."

He brushes a kiss across my knuckles and whispers, "You're very welcome."

Maria, John and Fiona leave first. Tyler leaves about 30 minutes later and the rest of us start cleaning up. Ash, Arrow and Eli are messing around and jumping on each other. I smile as I watch them. I don't often get to see Eli like this and it makes me happy when he is happy. I'm aware that I'm starting to recognize the feeling of happiness more and more now. Arrow and Ash are acting a little too joyful and I wonder if they have actually been drinking. I must think out loud, because Karen's voice snaps me from my thoughts.

"No, they haven't been drinking. Those boys will only drink with the team or with their Army buddies. They never drink around other company."

This intrigues me, so I ask, "How come?"

She shrugs and then says, "I think it's because they're not sure if we can handle them when they're drunk. They've seen and done a lot of horrible things and I suppose that comes to the surface after they've had a few drinks. They know their teams have been through the same things, so the rest of the boys know how to handle them. They always have to be the strong ones and they don't want us to see them anyother way. You can take the boy out of the Army, but you can't take the Army out of the boy. I think they worry they can't watch their surroundings so well and they need their team to watch their back. They don't like to let their guard down very much."

I'm shocked, "They told you that?"

"Oh no! They would never tell me stuff like that. A mother knows her child though and I can read between the lines. I've noticed the fact they don't drink around the rest of the family, but I know they drink when they're all together."

"Wow."

I actually have no other words. If Karen is right, I'm pleased they won't be drinking anywhere near me. I'll only ever be in their company with the rest of the family, never with the whole team, so I should be safe from that.

Karen continues speaking, "You don't like the thought of them drinking, do you?"

Is it that obvious? Instead of saying that, I just shake my head.

"If they know that, they won't drink with you around. You've really captured their hearts, Danica. I think they'd go to the ends of the earth for you. They can see how special you are; even if you don't see it."

A lump forms in my throat at her kind words. She is right, I don't see how they can think I'm special. I don't believe that about myself. But I do appreciate her kindness. I don't have to believe her words to appreciate the feeling behind them.

I don't trust my voice, so I can only whisper, "Thank you."

The tears are threatening to fall. This day has been stressful, tiring and emotional for me so I am feeling very sensitive right now. Eli is by my side in an instant and his two best friends are not far behind him.

Ash's voice is the first to sound, "Mom, you didn't upset Dani, did you?"

Before Karen can answer, I whisper, "No sir. She didn't."

Eli watches me carefully and speaks in Russian, "What's wrong, baby?"

"She's just being kind."

He looks confused and I smile slightly at the endearing look. Then I see a look of recognition cross his features before he continues, "You're not used to it... She's being nice. That's how normal people are. I know it's a weird concept for you to understand, but you'll have to get used to it if you're sticking around, sweetheart."

He carefully places his arm over my shoulders and pulls me against his side.

Arrow chuckles and asks, "Do they always do that, Fuse?"

"Yeah. Can you like not speak in a language we don't understand, guys?"

Eli and I speak at the same time. He says, "Since when do I have to do what you ask? Aren't I the CO here?"

And I ask, "Fuse?"

The boys all laugh. Karen looks as confused as I feel. Arrow is the first to get his laughing under control enough to speak.

"Funny story behind that. It's from our time in the Rangers..."

Through his chuckles, Ash says, "Don't. Just don't, man."

Eli softly chuckles, "Why not? You don't want Dani to know the humor behind the name? Come on, man, even you laugh at it."

"She's going to think I'm a dumb, especially seeing as she's got like a super IQ."

I'm shocked he would think of me that way. I'm shocked enough that I actually say something.

"Ash? You really think that about me? You think I'd think you are dumb? I would never think that about anyone. That's not kind..."

He smiles softly at me and I can see the emotion behind the smile. "You are too nice, darlin'. Far too nice for this horrible world..."

I shake my head, "No, I'm not. I just don't think it's kind to be horrible to people. I would never think you are dumb; any of you. You're all good people. I might not always show it or tell you, but I do believe you are good and special. I don't think I'm better than any of you. I would never think such a thing...."

Eli stops me from saying anything else, which is a very good thing because I was about to tell them how much lower than them I am; how bad I truly am. I certainly would have regretted saying such things.

"Hey, hey baby, it's ok. He's just embarrassed that he made such a rookie mistake. It's only because he thinks he's stupid for the reason we gave him the name..."

Arrow frowns, "Super IQ? Are you kidding me, Scott?"

Ash shakes his head, "So not kidding. She's extremely special."

"And no one told me?"

Eli speaks up, "It's not relevant."

"Seriously? What's your IQ score, Dani?"

Now, normally I would be panicking, distressed about my secret being out, but the drugs have helped me with this situation. Plus, I've got toknow these guys better and I'm not so scared about them knowing about my mind. I'm not sure about the definition of friendship, well, I know the dictionary definition but I'm not so certain about the applied definition of the word. However, I think these guys might actually be my friends, so I'm not so daunted by the prospect of them knowing. Because of this, I do something completely out of character for me and I make a deal with Arrow.

"If I tell you, will you tell me how Ash is called Fuse?"

The three guys are shocked at my bargaining. I'm vaguely aware of Karen still standing with us, but I watch Arrow to see what he will do.

He almost bites my hand off for the information, "Done. Hey, don't look at me like that, Ash. You know she'll only find out from Eli later. I may as well make use of her deal. So, Dani?"

"Last I checked, my score was 187."

"What does that mean?"

I take a deep breath and briefly close my eyes, accessing the picturein my mind before reciting, "According to the 1916 Stanford revision of the Simon-Binet Scale of Intelligence, that is considered a highest genius. It is in the 99.999999851 percentile and there is a one in 671,455,130 chance of that happening. Well, that is roughly speaking, of course. Not everyone has had an IQ test and it's not always a particularly accurate way of judging someone's intelligence...."

Inotice everyone staring at me in shock, well, except for Eli. He's grinning like something else. I know there's probably a saying for that, but I don't know what it is. Sometimes English idioms confuse me. I didn't learn them as a young child and obviously I haven't really had any contact with the rest of the world until I joined the NYPD team, so if I've heard them recently they've confused me.

I drop my head, embarrassed at all of the attention. I do catch Karen'schuckle as she says, "Oh, I'd love to have you in one of my classes. You would make teaching so much easier."

Arrow laughs, "That's is so cool. How did you remember that information just like that?"

Ash answers before Eli or myself can stop him, "Photographic memory. If she reads something, she can remember it."

I don't look up. I don't want to see the moment he realizes I'll never forget any of those awful memories. Eli must notice my discomfort, because he squeezes my shoulders and whispers in Russian, "It's ok, baby. He won't ask about it, I promise. He's a good guy and he won't want to upset you."

I nod, but don't look up until Arrow asks, "So, if I get you a book to read, you can recite the page after reading it once?"

I whisper, "Yes sir."

"No way. I don't believe it. You've got to show me this. Let me grab a book."

He rushes over to the bookshelf in the living room but returns with someone's iPad. He explains, "I can pick anything from on here and there's no way you'll be able to guess what I choose. Ok, so how about The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes?"

I let out a deep sigh. I don't want to do this. This is embarrassing and it's almost throwing my intelligence in people's faces. I don't want anyone to think I'm better than them, because I'm really not.

Eli says, "Lay off, Arrow. She doesn't want to do this. Can't you see that?"

"She made a deal."

"No, her deal was to tell you what her IQ score was, not to go through a series of tests."

"How do I know you guys aren't yanking my chain? I know you and Ash like to prank people..."

Ash chuckles, "Does Dani look like the kind of person who pranks people?"

"No, but that's not the point. You guys could have put her up to it."

I don't like this confrontation and I'd just like to get this overwith, so I whisper, "What edition, Arrow? When was it released?"

"July 31, 2008."

"Ok."

"Do you want me to just pick a page, let you read it and then give it back to me?"

"I've already read it. Just pick a page and give me the number."

He eyes me suspiciously and says, "I don't believe you can do this, but anyway. Ok, page 331. Do you need the name of the book?"

"No sir."

I back away from everyone a bit more, because I need to close my eyes. I don't trust everyone enough to do that, so I back off from them a little. Eli whispers, "It's ok, sweetheart. I'm right here. No one is going to hurt you. You're safe..."

When I open my eyes again, I send him a small smile of thanks. I swear he can read my mind.

I take another deep breath and start, "It's from the book A Resident Patient. Page 331 starts in the middle of a sentence. The beginning of the sentenceis on page 330 and it says, 'At this point I agreed with you that it was'. Then page 331 starts with, 'preposterous, and was glad to find that all my deductions had been correct. "Absolutely!" said I. "And now that you have explained it, I confess that I am as amazed as before." "It was very superficial, my dear Watson, I assure you. I should not have intruded it upon your attention had you not shown some incredulity the other day. But the evening has brought a breeze with it. What do you say to a ramble through London?" I was weary of our little sitting-room and gladly acquiesced. For three hours we strolled about together, watching the ever-changing kaleidoscope of life as it ebbs and flows through Fleet Street and the Strand. His characteristic talk, with its keen observance of detail and subtle power of inference held me amused and enthralled. It was ten o'clock before we reached Baker Street again. A brougham was waiting at our door.' Would you like me to continue?"

"No way is that even possible. That's just a lucky guess, right?"

I glance at Eli to find him smiling brightly at me. He mouths, "Good job. I'm proud of you." I find myself smiling back at him. It still amazes me when he says he's proud of me. I can't believe that anyone would be proud of me.

Ash's voice cuts through my thoughts, "Nope, not a lucky guess. It's actually completely for real. How would she have known you'd pick that book or that page?"

Arrow lets out a deep breath of surprise, "I don't believe it. I mean, I believe you're telling me the truth, but I don't believe it's possible. How is that even possible?"

I shrug. I could give a scientific reason for why some people have a higher IQ, but it won't really make much difference.

Arrow chuckles, "You guys really weren't kidding when you said Dani's special. I'm just... Wow..."

Ash and Eli laugh and Don pipes up, "Arrow's speechless for once? Now that's an achievement, Dani."

I want to steer away from this whole conversation, so I whisper, "Fuse?"

Arrow chuckles again, "Don't eye me like that, Ash. She kept her end of the bargain so now I have to keep mine. We're men of our word, aren't we?"

Ash lets out a huff and I almost chuckle at the sound.

Arrow continues, "Mostly in the armed forces you get your nicknames from stupid stuff you've done. Ash, here, was one of our explosive experts. Obviously, he had to go through training for this title. He had to learn how to construct and deconstruct an explosive device. He learned how to put them together and take them a part quite quickly. But when our commanding officer told Ash to light up one of the devices he made, they sat for ages waiting for it to go off. Everyone was poised, waiting for the explosion, when our explosives expert over here realized he hadn't lit the fuse. From that moment on, he was known as Fuse. It'll never be forgotten."

I stare at them blankly. Surely I'm missing something. "Isn't that an easy mistake to make? He was learning what to do..."

Arrow laughs again, "Yeah, not so much. This was after he'd done most of his training..."

Ash nearly shouts, "It was a mistake!"

I feel my eyes widen at his raised tone and I move even further away from everyone. My breathing hitches and as I'm moving backwards, I feel someone reach for my hand. This day has been too much for me and my brain just can't take any more. My breathing turns more ragged and I snatch my hand away from whoever is trying to hold it. I'm starting to panic and I can't really see what is in front of me. I'm mentallytrying to talk myself out of the panic, but I can't manage to filterthrough the images and fog in my mind. I know it's irrational and Ishouldn't be freaking out right now, but fear is not a rational thing.

I choke back a sob as I whisper to myself, "Please not now... Please don't do this..."

I can hear the times the 'visitors' shouted at me ringing in my ears, so I place my hands over my ears to try to drown out the sound. Obviously, that isn't going to work because the sounds are inside my brain.

I can only manage to chant the word no over and over again. I so desperately wanted to be good today. I wanted to make everyone proud of me and I've just ruined that completely; all because someone raised their voice. My fingers have started tingling and I start tosee the darkness around the edges of my vision when a voice filters through the fuzziness.

"Svetlyak? It's me. It's Eli. I'm right here, baby. Come back. I'm right here. You're safe. No one is going to hurt you, I promise. Just listen to my voice, Svetlyak. Just listen to me. That's my girl. I'm right here. Deep breaths, baby. Take some deep breaths and count with me..."

When my breathing is back to normal, the fog clears from my mind and the whooshing and thumping in my ears stop, I am completely and utterly embarrassed. I apologize profusely, not even daring to look anyone in the eye. I don't want to see the disappointment, pity or disgust. I feel the silent tears spill from my eyes before I can even stop them. I don't want to cry, but my body can't seem to express itself any other way. I'm embarrassed at my panic attack but I'm also upset that I'm not normal. My panic attacks are always a painful reminder of my past and the fact that I can't be like everyone else. I don't even want to be exactly the same as everyone; I simple want to be able to forget the bad things and not freak out without warning or at silly little things.

I manage to croak out, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

I turn and high tail it out of the room. I have to escape from the shame and the intensity of that room.