Chapter One Hundred Eighteen

Ash's P.O.V.

As soon as I see Eli swaying, I'm by his side. I knew something was wrong. Eli never looks that out of it after a raid. I should have listened to my instincts, instead of chalking it up to this one being particularly stressful for him. I catch Eli before he hits the floor and as I lay him on the ground, I feel a wetness on my hand. When I pull my hand away, it's covered in blood.

I look up at the Cap and nearly shout, "Get a bus! Now! He's been hit."

I grab Eli's shirt and rip it off him so I can assess the damage. Arrow is at my side in an instant, and the Cap is on the phone now. He tells me a bus will be at least ten minutes.

"Get it here sooner. He must have lost a lot of blood."

As I look at the wounds, I let out a long string of expletives.

Arrow says, "What's the damage?"

"Two GSW's. No exit wounds. This idiot knew about them because he's tried to plug them. I don't know what type of bullets Ivankov used, but they must be similar to hollow points, otherwise it wouldn't have gone through his vest."

"Hollow points would have torn him to shreds. You've seen the damage they do. It's not a hollow point."

"Something like it though. We need to stem the bleeding. Anderson, go to the ladies' restroom and get me some tampons. We need to plug these holes."

He looks shocked at my request, but Arrow shoots him a stern look and he quickly scurries away. We used tampons in the Army to stop bleeds. That's what they were originally made for, actually, in one of the World Wars. I shake my head, focusing my thoughts again. These wounds don't look good. That bus needs to hurry up.

"Hawkins, get downstairs and show the medics up as soon as they arrive. Cap, are you going to call his parents?"

"Yeah, I'm on it now. Where's Dani?"

"With his parents."

The medics show up not long after I've put the tampons in Eli's wounds. I explain the situation, hand him over to them and ride with them to the hospital.

The medic that's riding in the back, gets a line into Eli to give him fluids and then says, "Good call on how to stem the bleeding. Did they teach you that in cop training?"

"No sir. The Army. Actually, this guy taught me. Be honest, how's it looking?"

"I can't say, I'm afraid. There are no exit wounds, so unless the doctorcan find the bullets on closer inspection, he'll have to go in forsurgery. Does he have any family?"

"Yeah,they've been called. They're meeting us there...."

Eligroans and tries to sit up. The medic starts to place his hands on Eli's shoulders, but I know this isn't a good idea, so I quickly say, "You might want to back off a bit. I'll make him stay there, but he's not with it right now and he'll probably be back in his last memory. Trust me when I say you don't want to be the guy touching him if that happens."

I stand over Eli and almost shout, "Hey, LT. Can you hear me?"

He sounds frantic when he calls out for Dani.

"You're in a bus, LT. You got shot. Dani's on her way to the hospital with your parents. You have to stay still and let the medic do his job. Can you do that?"

He lets out what I assume is supposed to be a chuckle and he asks, "Are you the CO now?"

"While you're shot? Yes I am. So listen to me and do as I say."

He's serious when he speaks next, "Ash? If anything happens to me, promise me you'll take care of Dani."

"Dude, do it yourself. Nothing is going to happen to you. You've been shot before and you've always come out of it fine..."

He interrupts me and he's angry, "Promise me!"

"I'll take care of her, but you need to fight. No one can take of her like you can, so you have to fight to get through this."

"I'm trying. I'm so tired, Ash. So so tired."

He's falling asleep and I'm scared he's not going to wake up. My experiences in the Army have shown me there's often a surge of adrenaline that gives people a few moments of clarity, before they actually pass away.

"Ramirez, you stay awake! You hear me?! Stay awake!"

We pull up at the hospital and there's doctors and nurses surrounding Eli as soon as we're out of the ambulance. I'm left standing in the corridors much like Eli was all those months ago when Dani was taken into hospital. Both by the hands of the Bratva. How many more people are going to get hurt because of these scumbags? If Eli dies, I'm making a vow to find and kill as many of these people as possible. Forget my job, forget a code of conduct or ethics. None of that will matter to me. I find a quiet spot on the floor and sit, waiting for some news. I'm dreading having to explain the situation to Dani. She's going to be in pieces when she gets here and I don't know if I'll be able to calm her down. I promised Eli I'd take care of her and that's what I'll do, because he's not here to do that right now. That's what friends do for each other.

Dani's P.O.V.

Don's cell rings and I know something is wrong immediately. His face clouds over and then his body language changes completely. Something is seriously wrong; very seriously wrong. It's got to be Eli. No one would call him if it was someone else on the team. Unless it's Ash and Eli is calling him to tell him. No, judging by Don's demeanor, it's got to be Eli.

As soon as Don hangs up, he says, "We need to get to the hospital. Now."

Connie and I both ask at the same time, "What's wrong?"

"It's Eli. He's been shot."

I don't recognize my own voice as I shout, "What?! No! I just spoke to him! He can't be shot!"

"That was the Captain, Dani. He told me to get you and Connie and get to the hospital now. I know this doesn't feel real, Dani. I know you're scared, but we have to go. Please."

I nod and stand up. I thought my poppa was telling me everything would be ok this morning. Why would he let this happen? I don't understand. They've got it all wrong, haven't they? It's not really Eli. He's not really hurt, is he?

The ride to the hospital is made in complete, tense silence. Connie lets out a few sobs, but I can't cry. I don't even know how to process this whole situation. I still don't believe Eli has been shot. He's too careful for that. Ash and Arrow promised they'd take care of him. I knew this was a bad idea. I knew they shouldn't have done this. But those poor girls needed saving. But my poor Eli is hurt. All because of me. I'm so selfish because I would have let those girls continue to suffer, just to stop Eli from getting hurt. He can't be hurt. I shouldn't have let him do this. Who am I kidding here? I would never have been able to stop him. But because of me and my disgusting life, Eli has been hurt. I'm so disgusted with myself. How could I allow this to happen?

Don breaks my thoughts when he opens the car door. He whispers, "Dani? We're here. I need to ask something from you. I know it's difficult right now, but I need you to be strong. For Eli and yourself. Please try to be strong."

The first tear slips down my cheek and I angrily wipe it away before whispering, "I'll try. I'm sorry, Don."

"No need to apologize. I know it's hard to understand right now, but we have to be strong."

I don't tell him the real reason for my apology. He has too much on his mind already and it would be selfish for me to give him any more to worry about. I have to be strong so he doesn't have to worry about me as well.

Don takes us through a different entrance of the hospital, like he's been here before. Maybe this is where he works. I don't get much time to contemplate this, because I see Ash sitting on the floor tucked out of the way. He looks worried, which does absolutely nothing to ease my fears. As soon as he sees us, Ash stands and wipes his hands on his clothes. He hugs Connie first and then Don. I hang back, not really knowing what to do. I'm not comfortable in this situation. I'm carefully watching my surroundings because I don't trust anyone or anything around me.

Ash is whispering to Don and Connie and then they disappear with a nurse, so Ash slowly walks over to me. He looks weary as he speaks, "Hey darlin'. How you doing?"

I shrug. "Is it really him, Ash?"

"Yeah."

I whisper, "I'm sorry. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry."

He moves forward and reaches his hands out towards my shoulders. My eyes widen in fear and I back off, expecting a beating. I know I shouldn't expect that from him, but the fear is still ingrained in me and I can't escape it so easily. He must notice this, because he rubs his hands over his face before dropping his arms to his sides.

"It's not your fault, Dani. I won't allow you to believe that. We were doing our job and it's a risk of the job. We all know that. Don't even think it's only because of you we went there. We were doing our jobs. We can't pick and choose where we want to raid because it might be too dangerous. Do you really think you could have talked us out of this?"

I shake my head sheepishly. I know I wouldn't have been able to do that.

"Exactly. He's been shot before and he's pulled through. He's going to pull through this. He has to."

He sounds like he's trying to convince himself more than me.

"Can we see him?"

"Not right now. They're treating him right now. He might have to go in for surgery if they can't get the bullets out."

"He was shot more than once?"

"Twice. The medics said if thebullets would have gone straight through he'd have lost way more blood and they would have ripped him apart..."

My eyes widen and my hands fly over my mouth at the shock of his words.

He apologizes, "I'm not really helping matters, sorry. I get a bit over informative in these kind of situations."

"What happened, Ash?"

"Someone pulled a gun on me and Eli knocked me out of the way. I didn't realize he'd been hit. He didn't say anything about it. There was so much going on that I didn't hear the shots and I couldn't take any extra time to check on him. I should have paid closer attention..."

I try to think of what to say. I don't want Ash to feel bad. In the final analysis, it's really my fault because my life threw them all into this. I can't imagine life without Eli, but I shouldn't have let him get involved in all of this. If he didn't know about it, then we wouldn't be in this mess now. Those people wouldn't have been able to hurt him. I try to think of what Eli would say in this situation, but my thoughts are clouded by fear and worry.

I'm almost frantic when I blurt out, "What would Eli say right now? I'm trying to think what he would do, but I can't. I can't think about it, Ash. Why can't I think of what he'd say?"

He looks sad as he replies, "You're worried, we all are. He'd probably tell me to stop dwelling on things that are out of my control. He'd say it's happened and I need to deal with what's in front of me now. That's why he's the Lieutenant. He's always level headed and focused."

We stand in silence for a few minutes and then I whisper, "I'm scared, Ash. I can't lose him. I can't..."

A few tears escape and I try to wipe them away, but more fall.

"Hey, hey. Don't cry, darlin'. He's strong. He'll get through this; he has to. You guys have come too far for the journey to end now...."

We're interrupted by loads of heavy footsteps. I turn to see what's happening and the whole of Eli's team are there, along with a large group of guys I've never seen before. I instinctively shy away from everyone and hide behind Ash. If Eli isn't here, the closest thing I have to security is Ash. I have to try to trust that he'll take care of me.

It's as if he reads my thoughts, because Ash says in Spanish, "I'm right here, darlin'. I won't let anyone hurt you, I promise. Arrow is right here too."

I glance up to look for Arrow and, when my eyes catch his, he shoots me a tight smile. The face just behind Arrow, on his left side takes me off guard. My whole body goes cold and I can feel myself shaking. The drugs stop a full on panic attack, but my brain is aware enough to know what's going on so I hide directly behind Ash and grab the back of his shirt for security.

Both him and Arrow must know me well enough by now to know something is wrong and they both direct their full attention to me and ask me what's going on.

I frantically whisper, "No, he's not supposed to be here... This isn't real... Please let me wake up... I want to wake up now... Eli, you need to wake me up... I can't do this... You need to arrest him... Please....?"

Ash's face right in front of me stops my rant and he whispers, "What's wrong, Dani? You need to tell me what's going on. Who do I need to arrest? If someone hurt you, then you need to tell me who it was. I'll deal with it."

"He was there, Ash. Please don't let him hurt me..."

"I won't let anyone hurt you. Who was there, darlin'? Tell me who it was..."

I choke back a sob, "I want Eli now, please let me see Eli... I need him..."

Arrow breaks in, "You can't see him right now, girlie. As soon as you can, then we'll take you to him. I promise. But you need to tell us who was there and what you mean."

I try to steady my breathing and my heart before quietly answering, "The man behind Arrow. He was at that place. Please don't let him get me. He'll take me back..."

Arrow's face turns a scary shade of red and I shrink further back, scared of what he might do.

"I'll sort it, girlie. No one is taking you back there and they've got nowhere to go anyway. We got them. I'll deal with this, Fuse. You take care of her."

Arrow turns away from me and he says, "Anderson, Hawkins, back me up."

He marches up to the guy that was standing behind him and he seethes,"You knew! You knew about that place and you let it go on?! What kind of cop are you?! You were there?! You are some sick, twisted kind of scum!"

The guy tries to argue and he takes a swing at Arrow, but it doesn't connect. Arrow sends his fist flying and it hits the guys square in the face. I hear a scream, but I don't realize it's from me, until Ash's hand is covering my mouth. I can feel myself trembling under his touch and he's apologizing continually.

"I'm so sorry, darlin', but you can't scream like that in here. If I take my hand away, are you going to stop screaming?"

I nod quickly. I'll do anything, as long as he stops touching me. My eyes must be as wide as dinner plates and I'm petrified, but I have to look. I have to see what is happening. I glance around Ash but there isn't much to see. Hawkins and Anderson are on either side of the guy and his hands are cuffed. They've hauled him away from where he was standing and I hear Arrow asking a nurse for a secure room to hold him in. When he's out of my sight, I let out a huge breath. My level of fear hasn't reduced, but he's not in my sight anymore, which is a good thing.

Don and Connie return and they don't look hopeful. I wait silently, not wanting to make things more difficult for them. I don't want to be selfish and think only of myself when it's their son who has been hurt. I've already caused enough trouble since I got here. How is that even possible? I seem to cause trouble everywhere I go. Can't I go anywhere without seeing someone or something that reminds me or scares me? This leads me right back to the reason we're here. Eli. I need Eli and I might never have him back. The thought of that causes a sob to escape. I can't bear the thought of losing him. I fight to get my emotions under control. I don't want to draw any attention to myself and I don't want to do anything to upset Don and Connie any further.

Connie quietly says, "Dani, we have a quiet room we can wait in. The teams are going to stay here, but you, Don and myself can wait in the room."

Myhead snaps up to Ash and I fearfully question, "Ash?!"

"It's ok, darlin'. You'll be safe in there. I won't let anyone else in there..."

"No, you need to come with us. You have to..."

Arrow quickly says, "Go on, Fuse. I'll stay with the rest of the guys. Make sure she's ok."

As Don and Connie lead us to the room, I walk behind Ash, but hold on to the back of his shirt. I need the security he can offer me right now. Normally I wouldn't do anything like this, but this isn't a normal day. This is the day that I might lose Eli. I'm not an optimistic person. I guess with the way my life has turned out, you can't really blame me for that. I don't want to be optimistic, because if the worst does happen, then I'll be that much more heart broken. I try to prepare myself for the worst, but how can you prepare your heart for something like that?

We wait in the room for what seems like hours, but I have no concept of time. Don tells Ash and I that they managed to get the bullet in Eli's shoulder out, but the one in his side is too deep into the tissue so they've had to take him into the operating room.

I quietly recite one of the medical books that my poppa had. It was about various infections caused when foreign bodies are introduced to the human body. No one stops me from my little monologue, so I assume no one can hear me. It's my coping mechanism, so I presume they just leave me to it.

There's a knock on the door and then a doctor appears. He shakes Don's and Connie's hands and they talk in hushed tones. My reciting stops and I listen for any news. I don't have the right to demand answers and that's not the kind of person I am. I so desperately want to know Eli is ok, but I would never assume I should know. I'm not confident enough to just push my way to the doctor and listen to the information.

When the doctor has gone, Don crouches down near where I'm sitting. He lets out a deep sigh and I assume the worst. My hands involuntarily cover my mouth to hold back any sounds that might escape. I need to hold it together enough to hear what he has to say.

"He's out of surgery. They managed to get the remaining bullet out, but he's lost a lot of blood. They've made him comfortable, but they need to monitor for infections and see how the next few days play out before they can give us a better prognosis."

"But he's alive?"

"Yes, he's alive, but they're cautious at the moment. The next 24 to 48 hours will be critical. We can see him once they've put him in recovery."

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my heart just a little bit. It won't go away completely until Eli is awake and talking to me. I let out a long breath and the tears spill from my eyes again.

Don speaks again, "Connie and I will sit with him for a few minutes and then Ash will show you where he is. You can sit with him for a little while if you'd like."

"Yes sir, I'd like that. Thank you."

"No need to thank me. We won't be long."

"Don't rush on my account. He's your son; you need to see him."

Connie smiles sadly at me, "It's ok, Dani. We know how special you are to him. He would want you to be with him. I'm sure he knows you're not with him right now. He would be so proud of you, sweetie. You have handled this amazingly. Ash will take you to him in a little while."

"Thank you."

Ash and I wait in silence for over an hour before anyone else enters the room. I look up when I hear the door open, expecting to see Don and Connie, but it's Captain Michaels and Captain Greggson instead.

They both nod in my direction before talking to Ash. They speak quietly, but I don't think they realize I can still hear them.

Greggson sounds furious as he whispers, "You arrested one of my men?! What gives you the right to do that?!"

Ash doesn't sound at all fazed by Greggson's anger, "The fact that I'm a cop, and a good one, gives me the right to do that. You didn't know he'd been to that brothel as a client? You didn't know you had a rat in your team? It's a freakin' good job Ramirez took all cells and pagers away or who knows what would have happened. Are you in on it as well...?"

Our Captain breaks in, "Enough, Scott. I'll allow the comments about his team member, but I won't allow you to question Greggson's loyalty. That is uncalled for, Scott."

Ash scoffs at that, "Sorry, Cap, but you can't blame me for questioning his loyalty. The Lieutenant got shot for this mission. He might die because of this, and one of Greggson's men is in on it. Forgive me if I'm a little skeptical right now..."

Their voices escalate, but I can't hear what they're saying because my mind is focusing solely on Ash's words about Eli dying. Before I know what I'm doing, I shout, "Stop! Just stop!"

My voice tapers off into a whisper as I continue, "Please, just stop... Don't do this, please...?"

Everyone is silent for a few minutes Greggson is the first to break it. Thankfully, his voice is at a normal level when he does.

"Look,Scott, I'm not dirty. I am loyal to this case and every other case I have. I'm not in anyone's pocket, I'm not in on anything and I certainly had no knowledge of any of my men having ties with the Bratva. If I did, do you think I'd have put them on this raid? I'm completely dedicated to making these guys pay for what they've done. But I do have to ask, where's your evidence against my guy?"

Ash is quiet for a few seconds before replying, "She's sitting right there."

"So, you're telling me because Miss Romanov says she saw him, then you arrested him without questioning him first? That hardly seems like compelling evidence, does it?"

They're not going to believe me. Eli would believe me. He wouldn't even question my memories. These people will win, because I'm just a scared, pathetic girl who can't leave the past in the past. If these people get away with this, then I'm as good as dead; we all are. They will come looking for me, and they won't stop until I really am dead, or back in the confines of their prison.

The Cap's voice brings me out of my thoughts, "If she says she saw him there, then we believe her, Clint."

"Are you saying that because she's a friend, Rob?"

"What? No! Of course not. You know me better than that. I'm saying that because it's true. Dani doesn't mix faces and places up. She doesn't forget things."

"I don't mean to make light of the situation, but this happened a long time ago. I know she's been right about everything else, but this is a cop we're talking about here. We can't just accuse him with no evidence. An eye witness statement from years ago isn't really going to cut it. You know how unreliable eye witnesses are."

"Not this one. She doesn't forget."

"How can you be so sure?"

I wish they'd stop talking about me like I'm not here. Not that I want to be the centre of attention or anything. In fact, quite the opposite. I want them all to leave me alone. I want to see Eli. I want all of this to be over. Why can't it just be over?

The Captain sighs before saying, "Dani has a photographic memory. If she's seen something, she doesn't forget it. Ever."

Everything is silent for the longest time. I can hear my ragged breathing and the wheels turning in Greggson's head. He opens his mouth and I can't stop myself from thinking this is where the awkward questions start. I don't like people knowing that detail about me, especially if they know about my past. They connect too many dots and then I'm underscrutiny all the time.

"You don't forget a single thing, Dani?"

I don't answer. Instead I say, "I'm sorry, sir. I know you don't want to hear it, but that guy was there. I'm sorry."

He sighs, "You didn't make him go there. He did that by himself. If what you're saying is true, then he needs to be punished as well. Did he... did he go there for you? Did he hurt you?"

My breathing picks up a bit more and I'm fighting back the memories. I manage to call Ash's name and then his face is in front of mine.

"It's ok, darlin'. No one is going to hurt you. You're safe now. I promise. Just breathe, Dani. Count your breaths for me. That's it. Just focus on your breathing. I won't let anyone hurt you..."

I whisper, "I don't want to remember. Don't let him make me remember..."

"You don't have to tell him anything, darlin'; not if you don't want to. It's ok, Dani."

I work on my breathing and I vaguely hear Ash say, "She's not answering any of your questions, Captain Greggson. You can't just spring things like that on her. Awful things happened, sir, and she doesn't want to remember them. If she absolutely has to answer questions, then you need Eli here for that. I can't work his magic; I can't calm her down like he can. You'll have to wait until he's better..."

I whisper, "What if he never gets better, Ash?"

"Don't think like that, darlin'. He's strong. He'll get through this. Come on, let's go see him."

Our Captain calls Ash and then says, "You need to get back to the precinct. There's a debriefing to do. You need to do what Eli would normally do while he's out of action. You need to file reports, lock up weapons, process the team and question Greggson's man. You can't be here all night."

"I know. Let me just check in on Eli and then get Arrow to sit with Dani. I'll be at the precinct as soon as I've sorted this out."

We walk silently to the recovery room, but I stop before we get to the door. The panic is building up inside of me and my heart feels like it might explode. I am so frightened right now. I'm scared of seeing Eli injured. He's always been so strong. He's always been my strength and I'm not strong enough to be that for him. I rely on him so much to get through every day; I don't know how I'm going to cope without him here.

Ash questions my sudden reluctance to walk and I frantically reply, "I can't do this! I can't, Ash! I'm not strong enough! How am I supposed to face this without him here to help me?!"

"Look at me, Dani. Really look at me..."

Ash looks hurt at my words and when he speaks, his voice lets me know he feels hurt, "You don't know how strong you actually are. You can do this. I promise I won't leave you on your own. Either Arrow or I will be with you. You're not alone in this, darlin'. I know you're scared. I know you're frightened of losing Eli and you're frightened of being here, but I promise you Arrow and I will take care of you. We won't let anyone hurt you, I swear. You can do this. I'm telling you now, you'll be upset if you're not the first person he sees when he wakes up. Heck, he'll be upset if you're not there when he wakes up."

"If he wakes up..."

"You have to stay hopeful, Dani."

"Because that's worked out for me so far, hasn't it?"

Despite the situation, Ash chuckles. "Eli was right. My sarcasm has infiltrated your mind. I definitely like that. He's more likely to wake up if you're in the room. He needs to hear your voice, so he can find his way back to you. You've got this, darlin'. We've got your back."

We resume walking and it's only a few seconds before we reach the door of Eli's room. His parents are still inside, so we wait in the doorway. This gives me some time to assess my surroundings. There are nurses stationed just outside the room. Eli looks so pale and gray. His Mexican roots give his skin a natural tan, but there's only tiny traces of the olive tones in his skin now. There are large, dark circles under his eyes and he almost looks dead. His shirt is off, but the wounds are covered with bandages. I take comfort in the steady beeping of the heart monitor, because that means his heart is still beating and he's not on life support. He has an oxygen mask over his face, but that's probably only there to boost his oxygen stats and not to keep him breathing.

Connie and Don look up at Ash and myself. Don says, "His vitals look pretty good for just coming out of surgery. We'll give you some time. Connie and I will wait in the family room."

I can't take my eyes of Eli's lifeless frame, but I manage to croak out, "Thank you."

Somewhere in the background, I register Ash's voice saying, "Pops, can you send Arrow in please? I need him to stick around at the hospital."

"Sure thing."

Once Eli's parents leave the room, I manage to drag my feet to the chair by Eli's left side. I sit and carefully take his hand in mine. I entwine our fingers and just stare at them for the longest time. I can't speak; not yet. If I try to say anything, I'll simply cry and no words will come out.

Arrow appears not long after that. I hear him and Ash talking, but I don't pay any attention to them. I'm solely focused on listening to Eli's heartbeat and watching his chest rise and fall as he breathes. Those two things assure me that he is still alive.

Eventually, Ash sits in the chair on the other side of the bed and catches my attention.

"I've got to get back to the precinct, Dani. I'm sorry I have to leave you like this, but there are too many loose ends to tie up. Arrow is going to stay with you. He can wait in here or outside the room. You just tell him what you want him to do. Ok?"

I nod, "Thank you, Ash."

He shoots me a sad smile, "You're welcome. Talk to him; he can still hear you. I'll be back to check in with you as soon as I can. You can do this, Dani. I promise."

"Yes sir."

I don't really believe his words, but I pretend like I do. I know what he wants me to say, so I simply fulfill that duty. If Eli was awake, he'd know I was faking and he'd do everything he could to ease my fears. If Eli was awake, then we wouldn't be here in the first place. If I hadn't got Eli tangled up in all of this, then none of this would have happened.

Before I can think any further, Arrow's voice filters through. "Don't. Don't do that. I can see you're blaming this all on yourself, but it's not true. Stop blaming yourself."

I let out a sad, desperate laugh which hold no humor whatsoever. "Of course it's my fault. If he didn't meet me or get involved in my messed up life, then none of this would have happened. I told him this was a bad idea. I told him someone would get hurt. I know what those people are like. I knew they'd hurt people..."

"That's his job, girlie. He gets shot at far more than you realize. He gets shot at for strangers, so do you think he's going to back out of a case when it's someone he cares about? Do you really think he'd put his life in danger for strangers if he wasn't going to do the same for people he loves? I know what Ramirez is like; you didn't involve him in your life. He kept helping and being there when you needed him, until you finally had to let him in on your secret. He wouldn't have wanted it any other way. He likes to help people and fix things. There's no way on this earth that you'd have stopped him from doing that. Heck, he'd have done his own research, found out who'd hurt you, and then tried to take them down by himself. He'd have been way worse off if he'd done that."

"It's my fault, Arrow. I made him do this. If I'd have just kept my mouth shut like they told me, then he wouldn't have known where to find them."

"If you'd have kept quiet, then more girls would keep getting hurt. If you'd have said nothing, then they would win and you wouldn't be making so much progress. Bottling everything up didn't help you and Eli knew that. He saw that you needed to talk to someone about it. I'm going to be blunt here, Dani. Judging by some of the panic attacks I've seen you have, there's no way you would have been able to hide that for very long. I know they were worse before; I just wasn't around to see them. There is nothing you could have done to stop this. This guy is far too stubborn for his own good. He knew from the moment he saw you that he was going to help you, at all costs. That's the way he is. He doesn't even know he's doing it. It's not your fault. Please don't blame yourself. He wouldn't want you to think that way. He loves you and he will do anything to help you."

I choke back a sob at Arrow's words. Even if I don't believe most of his words, he is right about one thing. I have made progress. I would never have had a conversation like this with anyone. For me, that is major progress.

I whisper, "I need him to survive, Arrow. I can't even get through one day without needing his help. What am I going to do if he isn't here anymore?"

"You can't think like that, Dani. He can still hear everything we're saying and I don't think he'd want to hear your negative thoughts. He believes you're getting stronger and more confident and he will not be impressed to hear you being so hard on yourself. You just need to tell him he has to pull through. You need to be straight with him.I'm going to get some coffee. I have a feeling it'll be a long night. Do you want anything?"

"I'm ok, thank you."

"Will you be ok on your own while I step out for a minute? The machine is just down the corridor."

"I'll be ok. Thank you Arrow."

Once Arrow has gone, I easily slip back into my native tongue to talk to Eli. I feel more comfortable knowing that no one can understand me. I'm still not quite confident enough to express my feelings out loud, so doing this while Eli isn't conscious helps me to feel slightly less embarrassed.

"I'm scared, Eli. I'm so sorry. I feel so responsible and no one can take that away. No one can make that better. I need you, Eli. I need to hear your voice. I need you to calm me down and protect me. Please don't leave me. I'm begging you not to leave me. I can't get through life without you. I just want you to wake up. Please wake up..."

I fight the sobs for as long as possible, but they take over my body. I rest my head on the edge of the bed and let the tears fall. I know it's stupid, but I expected Eli to wake up when he heard my pleading. The silly wishes of a scared and desperate mind, which are not fulfilled. I try to get my tears and sobs under control and then I sit quietly rambling about anything that enters my mind. I keep talking in the hope that it'll encourage Eli to wake up, but also to keep my mind off the prospect of him not waking up.