Chapter One Hundred Twenty-Three

Dani's P.O.V.

I'm woken up by Eli's voice and I am totally confused. I have no idea what day it is or even what the time is. I almost feel like I've been drugged but I know I haven't taken anything. I'm so groggy and I don't know why. I lay completely still, trying to get my head together, while listening to Eli talk.



"No, I'm fine. I can't believe the doctor told you that... I'm not taking the meds, Pops. You won't change my mind... No, I'll be fine... I have to ask Dani about that. I'll speak to her when she wakes up... She's ok. Tell mom to stop worrying. Please. We're both fine. I'll call you later and let you know about tonight."



Everything falls silent and then I hear Eli sigh. I'm guessing he rubs his hands over his face because I hear the scratching of his stubble and then I hear him groan in pain. He probably used his injured arm out of instinct. I jump up, thinking he's hurt, but he has his back to me as he looks out of the bedroom window.



I whisper, "Eli? Are you ok?"



He faces me, with a small, boyish grin on his face. "I used the wrong arm. I have to get used to using the other one."



"You aren't bleeding, are you?"



"No ma'am. Just feel stupid for making the mistake. Did I wake you?"



"I don't think so. I feel like I've been drugged."



"You were in a deep sleep. You didn't dream and you stayed asleep while I got out of bed and answered my dad's call. You were really asleep."



I don't think that's ever happened. I always sleep so lightly, just in case there are any noises. I like to be able to prepare myself if anything is going to happen.



I simply say, "Huh."



I can't actually verbalize anything else. Eli's voice snaps me out of my weird bubble.



"Do you think it worked?"



I hesitantly say, "It must have. I haven't been in a deep sleep like that since I was a child. Well, other than drug induced situations."



I see him frown at my last comment and I mutter an apology for bringing that up.



"You have nothing to be sorry for. I don't like that they made you take drugs. That's why I frowned. Maybe covering the bad memories with new ones will work... Within reason, obviously. You have to be comfortable with doing whatever that entails."



I nod absentmindedly. My mind has to catch up with everything that's happened in the last few days. I feel different, inside and out. I don't know how to describe it really. It's like my emotions have changed, as well as my physical body and the chemicals inside of me too. It all makes for very weird battles inside of me.



Eli must notice my struggle or vacantness, because he asks, "Are you ok?"



"I think so. I'm trying to process everything. I feel weird."



"Do you want to bake something?"



It still surprises me that he remembers that. It shouldn't; but it does. I still find it strange that people want to like me and want to be my friend. That they want to learn things about me and they care enough to remember these details.



"Yes."



"Sure thing. My pops wants to know if they can come over for dinner tonight. Ty and Maria want to join them."



How can I say no? I can't tell his family they can't check in on him. He's just got back from the hospital after being shot, because of me.



"We can go to my parent's house if you don't want people over here just yet."



How can I tell them they aren't allowed into his home? That would be selfish of me. If I do that, then they'll resent me for it, especially if they find out he went into that place because those monsters kept me there. If it wasn't for me no one would even know about that place and the team would never have gone in there. Of course, I can't verbalize any of this to Eli, so I simply say, "No, it's ok. I understand they're worried."



It'll be ok, right? I've met his family before, everything will be fine. I shouldn't worry so much, but it is so built into me that I find myself unable to switch it off.



Eli walks towards me with purpose and pulls me close to him without saying a word. Eventually he speaks, "It's going to be ok, baby. I promise I won't let anything happen to you. It's just my family. They aren't going to hurt you."



I sigh, "I know that, I do. I just... I can't just switch it off..."



He nods, "Understandable. Go wash up and we'll figure out the food situation."



I decide on making Kotlety with green beans and mashed potatoes. Eli looks utterly confused when I inform him what we'll be eating. I smile a little at the look on his features and explain it's a bit like a Russian hamburger.



"Sounds good to me. You want to teach me how to make them?"



"Really?"



"Of course. That's part of your heritage and I want you to keep that alive. I'd like to learn if you're willing to teach me."



"I'd like that. Thank you."



So, we spend the afternoon making dinner for his family. As we're cooking, Eli catches my attention and then says, "You know they're your family as well now, right?"



"Huh? I mean, sorry?"



"My family. They're your family too. I don't want you to just think ofthem as my family."



How does he do that? He constantly reads my mind and I know for sure I wasn't thinking out loud.



He continues, "I know it's hard for you; being part of a family again. I understand that it's more than just the physical closeness you struggle with. I know the emotional stuff is hard for you too. I just want you to know they consider you part of the family and when you're ready to accept it, then I want you to consider them your family too."



I swallow the lump that's suddenly formed in my throat and blink back the tears that are threatening to fall.



All I can manage to say is, "Thank you."



He doesn't say anything; he simply nods and carries on making the mixture into little patty shapes. We work in a comfortable silence until I see him try to stretch or shake out his upper body. He's in pain but I know he won't tell me that.



"I can finish up, Eli. You should be resting."



"I'm ok. Honest."



Before I know what I'm doing, I shoot him a disbelieving look. When I notice what I've done, my cheeks heat up, like they're on fire and I apologize.



Eli chuckles; he actually chuckles. "No need to apologize. You're learning to call me on things. I like that. Yes, my wounds hurt, but I'm ok."



"Please can you rest? Please?"



"Ok, but only because you asked me."



As Eli takes a seat at the breakfast bar, I contemplate something Arrow said at the hospital.



"Eli?"



"Yes ma'am?"



I take a deep breath and try to muster some bravery to ask my next question. I should be worried or scared but voicing my thoughts and asking questions is still a relatively new concept to me. I don't think Eli is going to hurt me, but it's hard to change a habit of such a long time. I was made to be silent and submissive for so long that it's hard to change that mindset. Still, I trample down my fear and open my mouth.



"Was Arrow right?"



He looks confused. The look on his face makes my stomach flop again and I drop the potato that I'm peeling because of it. I let out a puff of air and whisper, "I don't think I like this."



"Baby? You ok?"



I nod sheepishly, "That feeling again."



He smiles but doesn't comment on it. Instead he asks, "What did Arrow say?"



"When he said you'd do something just because I asked you?"



I see the tips of Eli's ears turn slightly pink before he controls the color and his face returns to normal. Is he embarrassed? No, Eli never gets embarrassed. I'm imagining things. Right?



Eli sighs deeply and then quietly speaks, "He was right. And he knows it. His comment was to let me know that he knows. I'd do anything you ask. You should know that by now."



I feel my brows furrow in confusion. How can that be possible? If he asked me to do anything, would I do it? No, that would depend on the situation. Actually, that would really depend on if he ordered me to do something. If he told me to do something, then I would have no choice in the matter. I'm good at obeying orders, even if I don't like what I have to do. I'm a good little girl when I do as I'm told. Just like they used to tell me.



The full effect of their words come crashing down on me and I let out a gasp as I literally feel like I've been punched in the stomach. I double over from the force of it and I place my hands over my ears to try to stem the words. It's no use because they're inside my head and nothing can drown out those words.



I feel Eli's presence beside me before I see him. I know it's him and not just because we're the only people in the house. My body and mind nearly always know when it's him, but I don't know why. Sometimes I just can't fight through the panic to acknowledge that. I take deep breaths to try and calm myself down. I feel so stupid for panicking yet again. Seriously, what is wrong with me? I can process these thoughts and still panic, but I can't force my way out of the memories. How is that even possible?



I choke back a sob and that's when Eli's voice filters through the fog inside my brain. Maybe I did hear it before but I couldn't acknowledge the sound. I don't really know how my mind works, even after all these years. I don't think I'll ever truly know how to understand the workings of my mind.



"Baby? What's going on? What happened?"



He sounds so concerned and I try my hardest to filter through the panic so I can stop him from worrying.



I manage to choke out one word, "Memory..."



Eli understands straight away and he reaches for my hand. I feel him place it over his heart and he says, "Breathe with me, sweetheart. It's ok. No one can hurt you here. You're safe and I'm right here with you..."



When I manage to calm down, he asks what set my memory off. After a few moments of contemplation, I tell him what my thought process was. Without thinking, I finish by saying, "They used to tell me I was a good little prostitute because I did everything they said, without putting up a fight..."



When the weight of my words hits me, I gasp and cover my face with my hands, apologizing profusely for what I said.



"Don't ever feel like you have to apologize for telling me about your memories, Dani. I may not like what you have to say and I'm not going to lie and tell you it won't make me angry, but I always want you to talk to me. I don't want you to bottle things up and I want you to feel like you can tell me anything. You didn't put up a fight because you knew they'd make your life worse or even end it. You did as they said because you were scared and probably drugged up to the point of not knowing which way was up. You can't blame yourself or feel guilty because of their actions. I'm not saying you should just get on with your life and forget about everything; I know that's not possible. I'm saying that you shouldn't take responsibility for their actions. You had no control over that and you can't own that guilt. I don't want you to take that on."



I slowly take my hands away from my face but I don't know what to do with them, so I stare at my fingers as I pick at my nails.



Eli places his hands over mine and he whispers, "I would never order you to do anything, unless it's something that is going to save your life. If I ever throw an order at you it's because your life is in danger. Ok?"



I nod. My logical mind understands that, but trying to convince my subconscious is obviously taking some more time. Eli kisses the top of my head and holds me close. I grab fistfuls of his under shirt and hold on for dear life.



My face is squished against Eli's chest and I can't bring myself to move just to speak. So I mumble into his chest, "I'm sorry, Eli. My logical mind doesn't always work. I know you're not like them. I don't mean to get lost in the memories. I can't control them. I wish I could. Life would be so much easier. I wouldn't be so scared of everything if I could control it all."



"It's ok, Dani. I understand and I'm not expecting you to forget or not have memories. As long as you know I'm not going to hurt you; that's what I worry about."



"I know you're not."



I take a deep breath and whisper, "I do love you. I know I don't show it or express it very well, but I do."



I hear the smile in his voice when he says, "I'll never get tired of hearing that. You honestly don't know how that makes me feel. Can you trust me?"



My head snaps up to him and I see a serious look on his face. I quietly question, "Trust you?"



He nods with purpose, "I want to kiss you, but I want you to be ok with that..."



My breathing hitches up a notch and I feel like I'm on the verge of another panic attack. I feel like I'm punishing Eli for everyone else's actions and my logical mind is telling me that it's not right. However, that side of my brain isn't really at the forefront right now. I've just told Eli that I know he's not like those monsters but I'm not really believing that, am I? I have a war going on inside of me and Eli is watching all of this happen. He's silently staring at me, probably watching every reaction and reading the whole situation.



Eventually, he says, "It's ok; you're not ready for that..."



He feels like I'm punishing him. I've worked so hard at allowing him to get close and he probably thinks I'm treating him like everyone else. My mouth takes on a mind of it's own and I don't recognize my own voice when I speak next.



"Ok."



His eyebrows shoot up in shock and he questions, "Ok?"



I drop my gaze and nod slightly. I'm not comfortable and I don't really want to do this, but I need him to believe that I know he's not like everyone else. I need him to know that I'm not punishing him and that I really am trying.



"Are you sure about that, Dani? I don't want to scare you any more than I can feel you already are."



"Yes."



He nods again, kisses the top of my head, my cheeks, the tip of my nose and then places a quick kiss on my lips. It doesn't last long, which I am thankful for. It doesn't allow my mind enough time to access the memories and it doesn't give me enough time to panic. Eli looks at me carefully, probably trying to gauge my reaction. I'm pretty sure I look somewhat shocked and freaked out, but that doesn't deter his next move. He slowly dips his head again and places a few more quick kisses on my lips, before resting his head on top of mine for a few minutes. Neither of us speak for a long time.



When the silence is eventually broken, Eli whispers, "I need to get washed up before the family turn up. Are you ok to finish the dinner?"





Words aren't particularly forthcoming right now, so I simply nod. Eli shoots me a wink before walking out of the kitchen. He has a different sway in his step but I can't dwell on that right now. I really, really need to bake something. At the rate my mind is going, I think we're going to have about twenty cakes by the end of the evening.