Chapter One Hundred Twenty-Five



Dani's P.O.V.



Once Eli leaves Sam's office, Sam and I sit in silence for a minute or two. I don't know what she's thinking about or doing, but I'm trying to decide if I should be brave and just ask for her help. It's not like I have anyone else I can talk to about what's currently on my mind. There's no way I can ask Connie or Maria, so Sam is really the only option I have. Well, I could keep it to myself, but that hasn't gone so well for me in the past.



I take a deep breath but Sam preempts me talking by asking, "Is everything ok with you and Eli, Dani?"



I can feel my eyes widen at how she can just know, but then I say, "I need some help and I don't know who else to talk to."



"You can talk to me about anything, you know that. You can't talk to Eli?"



"Not really. It's too awkward; for both of us."



"Ok, so what do you want me to help with?"



"If I tell you something, you won't tell anyone, will you?"



She smiles softly at me, "Honey, I'm not allowed to tell anyone anything you say in here. Even if I wasn't bound by the law, I still wouldn't say anything. You've shown a level of trust in me to be able to talk to me and I wouldn't betray that."



I nod and quietly speak, "Eli asked me to marry him..."



I'm shocked at how easily the words slip from my mouth. I honestly thought I would struggle more with saying that.



Sam's smile is much brighter when she hears what I say, but then she asks, "And how do you feel about that? Did you give him an answer?"



I shake my head, "I haven't answered. He actually told me not to answer. He told me to think carefully before saying anything."



"But you didn't say no?"



"No ma'am."



"That's a good sign. Before, you would have run away from him for asking such a thing."



"I know."



"So, what are you struggling with?"



I admit slowly, "I love him, I've realized that I do love him. But if I marry him, then he'll expect... certain things... from me.... Things that I can't...do...."



"Is that the only thing that is stopping you from saying yes?"



I shrug. "I can't see myself allowing anyone else get as close to me as Eli is. I can't see him not being in my life, but... I'm scared."



"It's natural to be scared with a decision like this. That actually is a normal feeling. If nothing was to change in your lives; if Eli said everything would stay the same, except your last name, then would you say yes?"



"But it can't stay the same. That's not fair on him. He's a man and men have... needs... That's why we're in this whole mess, because men have to get those taken care of...."



"No, Dani, that's not true. We're in, what you call, this mess because disgusting monsters couldn't control themselves and are sick, twisted individuals. Not because men have needs or desires. Eli isn't the same as them and you know that. He would never hurt you..."



"But I can't expect him to wait until I am ready for something like that. That is selfish of me and I know that, but I can't make myself change that fact. I can't make myself be ok with an act like that. Part of me wants to let him him show me that it's not the same but that small part is completely drowned by my fear and my reality. I feel so selfish and horrible, but I don't know how to stop myself from being so scared..."



"That will happen with time. If you start doing things you aren't comfortable with now, then you'll end up resenting yourself and Eli for it. You'll end up being scared of him, because you'll feel like he's made you go too far. Have you tested how far you can go before it all gets too much for you?"



I shake my head, "Not really. He usually knows where to draw the line... I feel sorry for him, being stuck with someone like me..."



"He's not stuck with you. That's his choice. He's chosen to be with you. If he didn't want to stay with you, then he wouldn't have asked you to marry him. He knows what's involved with being with you, but he still asked anyway. That proves he's in this for the long haul."



She thinks for a few minutes and the only thing I can hear is the faint ticking of the clock and my ragged breathing. I feel so guilty for being so selfish but fear grips me and hinders me from doing anything about it. The memories are just too much. After being violated in so many ways, especially with having no way to forget or reduce those memories, it is a step I don't know if I'll ever be able to take.



Sam breaks my thoughts by saying, "I'd like you to try something. I'd like you to try and initiate the contact. Maybe if you go to Eli,rather than him going to you, then it might get you through some of these issues. It'll give you the power, instead of a man having the power in that situation. Would you be willing to try that for a few weeks?"



My eyes widen. Can I do that? Can I be brave and bold enough to start the physical contact? Honestly? I don't know.



I think for a few seconds and then I truthfully answer, "I don't know."



"I'd like you to try. I want to increase your dose of medication. You've been sitting at this dose for a while and I'd like to see if we can make more progress with a higher dose in your system. Are you ok with that?"



Right now, I'd jump at the chance for extra drugs. If I've got to try doing this, then I need all the extra help I can get. Obviously, I don't voice that at all. She might change her mind and I really don't want that. Instead, I simply nod.



"I think you can be braver and bolder than you realize. You are a strong woman, Dani. Don't ever doubt that. You do trust Eli but you're scared of the memories. I don't think you're really scared of him; just what memories will be sparked. I want you to try pushing your boundaries but set yourself realistic goals. Don't just expect everything to be changed in a few days. Be realistic but also be brave. I know you can do this, but you need to know you're capable of it too. Ok?"



I nod, not really believing I can do this, but trying to be brave about it. Sam gets me a new dose of drugs and then the session ends. I'm quiet on the way home, but neither Eli or Ash ask about it. Eli usually lets me process after a session with Sam, so it's not an unusual situation. Ash stays for dinner and I tell Eli to go to bed while I clean up. I'm worried about his recovery, so I check his wounds and redress them before I climb into bed.





I can't sleep. I've been laying in bed for a few hours, thinking about what Sam said. I don't know if or when I'll be able to give Eli anything more of me, so I have to decide what I'm going to do for Eli's best interests. Eli catches me off guard when he whispers, "Dani? What's wrong? You're not relaxed at all. What's going on?"



I take a deep breath and whisper, "I need to talk to you about something, but I know neither of us are going to like it..."



He releases a long breath and slowly says, "Ok. Let's do this. What's up?"



I sit up slightly, so I'm not quite so close to him. I'm not sure how he's going to react to what I have to say, so I'm trying to prepare for the worst. I don't think he'll hurt me, but that fear is always sitting in the back of my mind. It's instinct and not something I have control over. Actually, at first, I don't even realize I'm moving away from him and I stop myself before I completely sever the contact. I know doing so will upset him because he'll feel like I'm going backwards and I'm scared of him again.



I try to think where to start, so I say, "Ok.... Right.... I've been thinking. Actually, I pretty much do nothing but think, but I mean I've been thinking even more..."



Eli interrupts, "Dani? Baby, this is me you're talking to. You don't need to be nervous. I'm ready to hear whatever you have to say. Please don't be nervous."



I nod once and then just blurt it out, "I think you should find another girl to sleep with..."



My hands fly over my mouth when I notice just how crude and untactful that statement was.



Eli looks and sounds shocked when he bursts out, "What the actual...?! Is that what you and Sam were talking about tonight?! You not being able to put out and me needing to get my rocks off?"



I wince at his harsh tone and words. He pretty much leaps out of bed and starts pacing. He's hurt and that was never my intention. I thought men jumped at chances to have many women.



I quickly say, "No, we didn't talk about that. This is my idea. I know you can't be ok with this situation; with waiting so long. Men don't do things like that and I'm not ready to do that yet. I don't want you to get frustrated and leave or go somewhere else and feel guilty. I'm telling you it's ok for you to do that. I'd rather you be happy and not frustrated or angry with me, so I'm ok with you going somewhere else for that particular deed..."



He splutters, "I don't even know.... How can I....? What the....? This is so messed up..."



My breathing hitches and the tears threaten to fall but I won't let them out. I'm not going to cry but I am upset that I've hurt him.



He sounds hurt when he says, "Dani, how could you even think I'd do that? Have I not shown you anything of my character in the last few years?"



A lone tear spills out, but I move my face away from him so he can't see it. "You have, and that's why I'm telling you it's ok. I don't think you'd do it otherwise. I'm sorry, Eli. I don't want to hurt you or upset you, but I don't want you to feel bad or guilty for looking elsewhere for what I can't provide... I think it's the best solution."



"Yeah? Well, I don't. I'm not ok with that. I'm not ok with being with anyone that isn't you. If I have to suffer this frustration and uncomfortable feeling for the next year, then I will. I'm not going anywhere else and I can't believe you'd even think I would. I'll take care of it myself if I have to, but I'm not going anywhere else."



I quietly question, "Don't men do that?"



"Men do, but I don't. How can I show you I'm different to everyone else if I act exactly the same? I know you worry about it, Dani, but you shouldn't. I believe you'll let me show you it's different when you're ready. You're not ready yet, but one day you will be. When that day arrives, then I want to be able to share that moment with you. I do believe you will get there, even if you don't think so. Is that what you and Sam were discussing tonight?"



I shake my head but I don't know if he sees me because I'm too ashamed to look at him. Because of this, I quietly say, "No. I told her about my concerns, not about you. It's my fault and my issues but I'm inflicting them on you. I'm so ashamed of that. I'm ashamed of myself and my past. I'm sorry, Eli. I know I'm selfish and horrible. I know I'm not putting you first, but..."



"Hey, you're not horrible and you're protecting yourself. I understand that. You don't want to relive the memories and you're scared it'll be the same. I just have to wait for you to realize it won't be. It's going to be different because I love you, you love me and I will take care of you. No more apologizing about it. I know you think that is the best solution, but I disagree with that. I can't believe you'd even suggest it, but I understand your reasoning, even if I don't agree with it. I'm waiting and that's the final thing we're going to ay on it. Right?"



"Ok."



I take a deep, and shaky breath, still upset that I've hurt him. I try to calm my nerves and my heart, which is beating erratically because I've caused him pain.



After a few silent minutes, I whisper, "I never meant to hurt you or upset you, Eli. I promise."



He sighs deeply. He still hasn't got back into bed and I'm guessing he's still angry from the conversation. I can't even believe I managed to discuss that with him. My cheeks flame at just the thought of it and I hide my head further in embarrassment.



"I know you didn't mean to, sweetheart, but you did. I'm struggling to believe that you'd think that way about me after all this time."



"It's not that..."



"Then what? Explain it to me... please.... Because I'm having a hard time trying to understand it."



I take a deep breath and try to explain the best way I can. "There were regular people who went to that place... Sometimes more than once a week.... I just thought that men... needed.... you know.... or they'd go find it somewhere else.... I didn't want to put you in that situation, so I thought if I tell you it's ok, then you wouldn't feel bad about it."



I shrug, like it's the most logical thing in the world. Well, to me it is.



Eli is silent for a while before responding to my admission, "I can't even begin to tell you how messed up that logic is. I can see why you'd think that, but it's not a true picture of how gentlemen are supposed to act. I don't want to be with anyone but you and I would never put a woman in the same position that you were in. Even if they're not getting beaten, someone is still abusing the power they have over that woman. I would never turn to a prostitute. I don't want you to think I see you that way, which is why I will wait until you are ready. It's more than just being with your physical body; there's so much more to it than that and I need you to be able to understand that before we take that step. You need to be able to realize that the whole act is way more than the physical and it's another way of communicating two people's love for each other. I know you're scared; I know you aren't ready for that step and I'm willing to wait until you are. Please don't ever suggest me going somewhere else."



"Ok. I'm sorry, Eli."



"I know you are. Shall we go back to bed?"



I nod and wait for him to climb back into bed. I'm unsure whether or not he's still upset, so I stay on my side of the bed, just in case. After a few more minutes, Eli quietly speaks, "You don't have to stay all the way over there, Dani. Yes, I'm hurt but I'll be ok. I'm not going to create a rift between us because of it. This is part of relationships. People disagree about things all the time. We discuss it and then move passed it. Ok?"



"Ok."



I lay close to him again and he wraps his arm around me before pulling me even closer. His places a kiss on the top of my head, "Thank you for talking to me about that. I know that must have been difficult for you and I appreciate you being brave enough to discuss it. Even if don't agree with what you're saying, I appreciate you being brave enough to talk about it. Sam didn't give you anything did she?"



"No, just Modecate. Maybe if she had, this conversation would have gone better."



"I prefer it when she doesn't give you anything. It means you trust me enough to talk it out without worrying I'm going to hurt you. That's good. I like that kind of progress. Hey? What did my mom say when you told her about Scar?"



"She was shocked at first but then she was quite excited. She thinks Fiona is going to love having a dog around."



"We need to check what he's like with kids, first. I should ask the handler about that. You know, you're going to have to teach me the commands in Dutch, right?"



"Yeah, it shouldn't be too difficult though."



He chuckles, "Says 'Miss ten languages'. Is it still ten?"



I mumble, "I've started learning Farsi."



He chuckles again, "Ok, so eleven languages then. I'm limited to English, Spanish and Russian."



"Dude, you learned Russian, that's really hard. You can learn Dutch. I'll help you."



"I'm counting on it."



I lightly trace patterns on Eli's chest and whisper, "You're a good man, Eli. I'm sorry I can't be better for you..."



"It's not about you being better for me. I want you to do things to make yourself happy. If you're not happy, then I won't be happy. You are making so much progress, don't let this one thing cloud your view of how far you have come. You are a good person, Dani; you just need to realize this for yourself. I know you don't think you are; you don't need to tell me that for me to know. I want you to be happy and comfortable with me, our family and friends, but until you're happy with yourself, that won't happen."



I hold back a sob and all the things I want to say. I want to tell him that I'll never believe I'm a good person or clean enough to truly fit into his family, but I know better than to tell him those things. Instead, I kiss the patch of skin above his heart and whisper a goodnight.







It's been three weeks since the Captain asked us if we'd like to re-home Scar. We're watching his retirement ceremony and it almost breaks my heart. To see the handlers saying goodbye to their dogs pretty much has my heart ripping in tiny shreds. I even tell Eli we should back out and let Toby keep the dog. I don't want to be the cause for so much heartbreak for the poor man. Losing a dog is traumatic enough but to actually have to hand the dog over to someone else? That's far too distressing.



Eli smiles a strange smile at me and then hugs me close to him before saying, "You are just too adorable, you know that? Toby can't keep him, baby. If we don't have him, then someone else will have to re-home him."



"Are you sure? You're sure he wouldn't keep him?"



"I'm sure. I already checked. I didn't want him to back out at the last minute and disappoint you. He's thinking about Scar's best interests."



I take a deep breath and attempt to make a start on Sam's plan. I stretch up and place a kiss on Eli's cheek.



"Thank you, Eli. For always looking out for me."



"You're very welcome. Maybe it's the cave man in me."



I chuckle, "Cave man?"



"Yeah. The instinctive need to protect and defend and all. It probably goes back to my cave man roots or something."



"Maybe it's just because you're a good person?"



He laughs, but doesn't respond to that so I don't know what he means by it.



Eventually he nudges my head with his chin and says, "Hey, we're getting a dog in the morning..."



I smile, "I know. Are you excited?"



"Yeah, actually, I am. I don't need to ask if you're excited. It's written all over your face. I like that look on you."



I feel a blush rising on my cheeks. I wish I didn't get so embarrassed so easily. Someone simply putting the attention on me causes me to be embarrassed. Eli kisses my cheek and then whispers in my ear, "You are so beautiful."



I look up at him, still wrapped in his arms, and the adoration I feel for him nearly knocks me over.



"I love you, Eli."



The words fall from my lips much more easily than they ever have. Almost like I truly understand and mean them. I may not have a full understanding of the word 'love', but I know that what I feel for Eli is something more than I've ever felt before. If the look on his face is anything to go by, he hears the difference in my words.



"I love you too, sweetheart. More than anything."





Toby brings Scar to see us after the ceremony has finished. He smiles at Eli and myself, but I can see the sadness in his demeanor. I feel terrible about taking away his dog, but I'm too excited to suggest he keep him. If Eli is right, which he usually is, then Toby will have to give Scar to someone else and I'm too selfish to allow that to happen.



Toby snaps me out of my thoughts, "I'll bring Scar to your precinct in the morning."



I quietly ask, "Is there anything we need to know?"



"He's very good at his job and it's going to take him some time to settle into civilian life. If he doesn't like someone or knows someone is doing something they shouldn't be, then he'll let you know. He'll protect you, especially once he sees you as his handler, but you need to trust his instincts. Obviously, he won't do anything without command, but you need to be aware of what he's telling you."



Eli remembers to ask, "How is he with kids?"



"You guys have kids?"



My eyes widen at the question and I feel the blood rush to my face. There are two reasons for this; one, because I'm embarrassed at the question, and two, because I know I can never give Eli a family.



Eli covers my discomfort by grabbing Toby's attention, "No sir, it's my niece. She's excited about having a dog around, but I have no idea how Scar is with youngsters."



"He's a working dog, and he can't switch that off. He's never been a problem with children, but I'd never leave him alone with them. Especially if they're young kids. But I wouldn't leave any dog alone with young children. He's been around kids, and it's never been an issue."



"That's good enough for me. I wouldn't leave them unattended anyway."



Toby runs through Scar's routine with us and then he's called away, so Eli and I head back to work. When we're leaving work for the evening, Eli and Ash are walking down the stairs with me and Eli says, "Dani? We need to go to a pet store and get stuff for Scar. We've literally got nothing at home."



"Oh."



That's all I can manage to say. I didn't even think about that. That means I actually have to go to a store. I must have a strange look on my face, because Ash questions, "What? What's that look for?"



I whisper, "I actually have to go to a store?"



I don't even know if I can do that.



Ash frowns, "You haven't been to a store before?"



I shake my head and clarify, "Not since..."



I don't need to say anything more. Everyone present knows what I'm talking about. In some ways, it's easier now that Ash has some idea what happened. I don't have to explain my behavior. He knows there's a reason for my weird actions.



Eli speaks up, "I'll be right there, baby. Ash will come with us, right Ash?"



"Of course. Whatever you need; I'm there. No one's going to mess with you when Eli and I are there."



I think for a few seconds and Eli snaps me out of my own head, "Dani? Sweetheart? Are you ok with going to the store? I promise we won't let anything happen to you. I won't even let anyone go near you. What do you say?"



My voice is small when I speak, "Ok, but you can't leave me...please?"



"I won't, I promise. It'll be ok, honest."



So, that's how we end up at the pet store, staring at dog beds. I have no idea which one to choose and Eli and Ash aren't that helpful either. They're arguing over which camouflage bed we should get. Ash says it should be the blue one because Scar is a boy, but Eli is saying the khaki one because that's closest to their Army uniform colors.



I smile a little at the playful banter between the two friends. Before I met them, I would have been so scared right now and I would never have known the difference between playful banter and arguing. I would have shied away from anything like that. Instead, I'm slightly amused that they can bicker over something so trivial. If only I was comfortable enough to do something like that. I'm always so worried I'll get in trouble. Even though they have never shown any signs of it, I worry I'll get a beating for doing something wrong. I know I shouldn't think like that, but if the ten years in that awful place taught me anything; it's to always expect the unexpected.



Ash's voice breaks my thought trail, "He's not a Ranger, Eli. He's a cop.New York cops wear blue. So he should have the blue bed."



Ok, so they're talking about Scar like he's a person. These two might be taking things a little too far.



I have a habit of spitting out random facts at the most unusual times, so I blurt out, "You know dogs have different color perception to us, right?"



They both snap their attention to me, which leads to me spouting off more random facts.



"They only have two color detecting cones within their retinas. So, he'll probably see the blue bed as gray and the khaki bed as more of a brown color."



Both guys look shocked and they both ask, "Really?"



"Yes."



Then Eli smirks, "We should definitely go with the khaki bed then. At least he'll see it as brown, rather than gray..."



"What's wrong with gray?"



Seriously? They're still going to go through this? That wasn't what my intention was with the random facts.



I quietly ask, "Can't he just sleep on our bed?"



Both of them freeze. Probably because I referred to it as 'our' bed. Well, our mattress at the moment. We haven't been able to make the bed yet because of Eli's injuries. The thought of his wounds still upsets me and I try not to think about it. It hurts me to remember why and how he got those gunshot wounds.



Eli smiles, "He can't stay on our bed all the time, Dani. He's going to need his own space too. What about if he gets too hot in the night or just wants a bit of time on his own? Also, he can't sleep on our bed if we're in the kitchen or watching TV, can he?"



That's a good point. Why does he always have to be so logical and right? I guess it counterbalances my lack of clear thinking when I'm scared.



"True."



I want to get out of here now. We've been here for five minutes alone talking about what bed to buy. I want them to just pick one. Instead of that happening, Ash throws the decision my way.



"Which one, Dani? You choose."



"Sorry?"



No, I'm not good at decisions. If I say blue, then I'm going against Eli but if I say khaki, then Ash will be annoyed. That's not fair. I can't make that decision, so I choose the only available option.



"Both."



Eli chuckles, "Smart thinking, baby."

"We'll need two, right?"



"Probably. But the khaki one goes in our room."



I nod in agreement, because I don't mind which bed goes where. They seem to be more bothered by the accessories than I am.



We pick up bowls and then we have to decide on food. I know what I want to feed Scar, but I don't know how Eli will feel about it.



"How do we know what food to get, Dani?"



I answer Ash's question, "I already know."



Eli looks surprised, "You do? What are we getting?"



"Raw."



They both look puzzled and question me on it.



I drop my head and explain, "Scientific evidence suggests that commercial dog food actually isn't good for dogs. Raw is the most natural and the healthiest option."



"But what about germs? Won't that make him, and us, sick?"



I frown, "No sir. That's what big food companies say to scare people into buying their food. In actual fact, there's been high numbers of commercial dog food companies having to recall items because of salmonella. They say feeding raw will give humans salmonella, but they've had to recall their items because of it. I don't want Scar to have trash food."



Ash looks between Eli and I and then he smirks, "Dude, how do you keep up with her knowledge? Where do you even find this stuff, Dani?"



I shrug, "I like to read."



Eli laughs, "There's no way I can keep up with her mind. I let her give me the knowledge whenever she thinks I need it. Ok, Dani, we'll feed raw. You obviously know more about it than me, so I'm willing to trust your opinion."



My eyes widen in shock. I actually thought he was going to insist on feeding the stuff in the shops. I wasn't expecting him to agree so easily.



The store isn't busy, thankfully, and we're on our way home quite quickly after that. Ash stays for dinner and tells us he'll pick us up in the morning. I'm so excited, that I can't even sleep. I haven't been this excited since I was a child. It's been so many years since this feeling has kept me awake, that I don't know what to do with myself. It's usually the nightmares or the thought of nightmares that keeps me awake.



Eli chuckles and lays down in the bed. "I'm going to get some sleep. You should try to sleep, Dani, or you'll be extra tired tomorrow. At least try to shut your eyes for a little while."



I nod and shuffle closer to him. I must drift off at some point, because I'm startled awake. Eli groans and mumbles, "Nightmare?"



My voice is croaky as I reply, "Yeah."



"You ok?"



"Yeah. I'm ok. Go back to sleep, Eli."



"Sure?"



"Yes sir. It wasn't that bad."



Well, they're all bad because they're terrible memories. But I have to put them into different categories because they aren't all of the same caliber. Some of them are more manageable and easier to calm down afterwards.



I lay awake for a few hours, not particularly because of the nightmare. I'm simply thinking about everything. My life has changed so much, even in the last few months. I never thought I'd have anything remotely close to a good life. In fact, I never thought I'd escape from that disgusting place. Then when I did, I didn't think I'd be able to function normally ever again. Granted, I'm not exactly normal right now, but I'm a world away from how I used to be.



I look over at Eli's sleeping form and I'm so thankful that he didn't give up on me. It would have been so easy for him to say I wasn't worth the trouble and leave, but he didn't. He's stuck with me through everything, and I can never repay that. I can never truly show him my appreciation.



I hear my poppa's voice, "You know what you need to do. Don't make him wait too long for an answer..."



I add that to the list of things I need to think about. I don't really want to think about it, but I have to face it at some point. Now isn't the time for that, and I will put it off for as long as possible. Instead, I entwine my fingers with Eli's and scoot closer to him. I don't know if he's still asleep, but he pulls me even closer and holds me protectively. Somehow, I don't think he's asleep. Eli seems to wake up at the sound of a piece of paper hitting the floor. Trust me, that doesn't make very much noise. Maybe it has to do with his days in the Rangers, listening for threats or something. I don't know about that, but I do know that it makes me feel more safe. Knowing he'll hear a threat if anything happens, that makes me feel more secure.



I feel Eli's lips kiss the top of my head and his voice is thick with sleep as he whispers, "Are you ok, baby?"



"Yeah, just thinking."



"About?"



"How lucky I am to have to you here."



I feel his smile against my head and I give him a quick squeeze before trying to fall asleep again.





I am ready for work way before Eli this morning. He seems to be taking his time getting ready and I'm sure I see a smirk on his lips as he finishes his coffee.



I ask, "Can we go now, please?"



"We have to wait for Ash, sweetheart. Getting to work early isn't going to make Scar get there any earlier. Toby's still going to drop him off at the same time."



I sigh, "I know, but at least I can find something to distract myself..."



Eli is in front of me before I can even process his movement. I'm slightly taken aback by the change, but I mentally stop myself from backing away.



He whispers, "I can find another way to distract you..."



My eyes widen, hoping he's not insinuating something I'm not comfortable with. He leans down and whispers in my ear, "When was the last time you were tickled...?"



I'm shocked by his question and I squeak, "Tickled?"



"Yeah, you know what being tickled is, right?"



I shoot him a frown. Of course I know what being tickled is. I just haven't had that happen since I was a child.



I truthfully answer, "My poppa; he used to tickle me."



Eli takes my hand in his and draws circles on my palm. The nerve endings send messages to my brain, telling me there is a cutaneous sensation, that tingles, but there is something else going on there. He walks his fingers up my arm and all I can do is watch as his fingers make their journey. I'm frozen to the spot and it's not really because of fear. I don't understand the feelings that are going through me right now; I've never experienced anything like this before. My heart is racing and I can feel the heat rising in my cheeks. Eli's fingers stop their journey at my shoulder and he pauses. It's in this pause, that I manage to shake myself out of whatever captivation I'm in and I glance at his face. There's a different look on his face and in his eyes; something that I can't decipher. I take a shaky breath and this seems to snap him out of his trance. He shakes his head a little and sends me a sheepish grin.



His voice is deep and gravelly as he whispers, "So much for the tickling, huh?"



I feel his chuckle as well as hear it, because he is standing so close to me.



When I find my voice, I whisper, "What was that?"



"My lame attempt at tickling? Obviously I don't know how it's done..."



He's deflecting. He doesn't want to answer. Maybe I don't want him to answer, but the unknown feeling is strange to me and I don't like not understanding things.



"You tickle Fiona..."



He frowns, "Not like that, I don't."



I whisper, "I know. I don't understand, Eli. Please...?"



He knows I'm begging for an explanation, and he lets out a long, shaky breath before opening his mouth to speak. At first, his mouth just opens and closes. I think he's trying to figure out what to say. This isn't the Eli I know. He's always so sure of himself and what he wants to say. He's never tongue-tied and I'm starting to worry.



Eventually, he figures out his choice of words, "That, baby girl, is your body starting to figure out that I'm not the same as all those monsters..."



I frown, "But I know you're not the same..."



"You might know that, but your body and your subconscious haven't caught up with that memo. I think they're beginning to figure it out."



I think of Sam's challenge again and I do something completely out of character for me. I stretch up and place a kiss on his cheek. Instead of pulling away immediately, I let my lips linger against his cheek for a few seconds.



I whisper, "Thank you. Thank you for being different and for being patient with me."



The smile he gives me is genuine and it almost takes my breath away. He looks directly into my eyes and whispers, "No need to thank me. I love you and I will do whatever you need me to."



He places a brief kiss on my lips before pulling away. Instead of panicking or freaking out, a small smile plays on my lips and I place a finger on the part where his lips just left. This is proving to be a very strange morning indeed. I wrap my arms around Eli's waist and just hold him close. The comfort and safety I feel from this man is overwhelming and I try to convey that in my embrace.



He nudges my head a little with his chin and he asks, "Are you ok? You seem... different."



"I'm ok. Just trying to show my appreciation."



"I already know, baby. You don't need to tell me."



Before I even realize what I'm doing, I stretch up and place a chaste kiss on his lips. I'm shocked at my bravery and boldness and I squirm to get out of his embrace. I guess I'm not the only one who is shocked, because I easily maneuver out of his hold. As I'm just about to walk away, he reaches for my hand, and then the doorbell rings.



He shoots me a little smile, but I can see the shock in his eyes.



Instead of making a big deal out of my actions, he asks, "Shall we go get our dog?"



I'm so embarrassed about my behavior that I can't look him in the eye. I simply nod and quickly scurry to the front door. When I open it, Ash has his hand hovering over the doorbell, like he was just about to ring again.



He mumbles, "It's about time... I'm not even early..."



Eli chuckles, "For once. What crawled up your butt this morning?"



Ash cocks his head to one side and then a huge grin forms on his features.



"You ok there, Ramirez?"



"My shoulder's hurting a bit, thanks for your concern..."



"Your shoulder? Sure..."



He mutters something to Eli and slaps him on the back of the head. I'm almost certain I hear Eli swear at Ash in Russian, but I've never heard Eli curse, so I'm sure I'm hearing things. I'm still far too embarrassed to even look in Eli's direction, so I hurry to the car and wait for the two guys.



I spend the whole journey to work, having an internal battle with myself. I'm horrified that I actually kissed Eli this morning; that I was so bold and I stepped out of my submissive state. I'm not supposed to do things like that, but if Eli wasn't pleased about it he never let on about it. This is all so confusing. I should be pleased that I was brave enough to do that, right? So why do I feel like I've betrayed myself so much? Why do I feel like I'm setting myself up to get hurt and betrayed again?



I shouldn't feel like that because Eli has never given me any reason to question his motives or actions. He's never once tried to hurt me or put me in danger. In actual fact, he's deliberately shied away from anything that will upset me or hurt me. I shouldn't be so frightened and second guess everything, but I can't seem to stop myself and that upsets me. It hurts to think that is my first reaction to everything. To me, that is a normal situation, and if it hurts me then how much more must it hurt Eli? How must he feel every time I run away from him or shut him out? I am such a horrible person. How can I go from trying to convey my gratitude to running away from him in the space of a few minutes?



I'm so lost in my thoughts, that Eli's face appearing in front of mine, makes me jump and inhale a sharp breath.



He whispers, "Sorry. We're here..."



"Oh."



I quickly exit the car and I hear Ash tell Eli he'll meet us up there. I'm guessing he knows something is up. I groan internally. Did I actually just use an innuendo? There are all kinds of things wrong with me today. I am so embarrassed right now.



As we enter the stairwell, Eli reaches for my hand but I quickly snatch it away. Even I'm shocked by my reaction and I grapple at some way to explain myself.



I blurt out, "I'm so sorry!"



"What's going on, Dani? You were so different this morning. Did I do something wrong?"



My eyes widen at the thought that he would even think that.



"No, of course you didn't. You don't do anything wrong..."



My hands fly over my mouth. I shouldn't have said that. I really don't know what is wrong with me. Instead of being angry, Eli chuckles.



"I do lots of things wrong, sweetheart. So many things. What's the matter? What's changed?"



"I am so embarrassed right now."



"Embarrassed? Why?"



This is when I manage to look at him, mostly it's a shock reaction and I'm sure the look I send him conveys my shock at his words.



"Er, this morning?"



"Why are you embarrassed about that? Because you kissed me? There's nothing to be embarrassed about, Dani. That's natural..."



"Not for me it isn't..."



I see a flash of pain cross his features before he masks his emotions. I am such a terrible person.



"No, you're not..."



I'm confused by his words, so he explains, "You were thinking aloud...You're not a terrible person. I understand that you must be scared. I'm not going to push you into doing something you're uncomfortable with. You taking the lead lets me know that you're more comfortable with me and affection."



I shake my head and start pacing, before I try to explain what I was thinking on the journey in to work. Obviously, I don't tell him that I'm expecting to be hurt or betrayed again. That would distress him and he would think I don't trust him. I trust him as much as I can at this moment in time. I trust him more than anyone I've ever met.



I finish up by saying, "I've always been told what to do and how to do it. I was never allowed to do things myself or not follow orders. There were consequences for doing things without orders. I was forced into being submissive all of the time. I was not submissive this morning and I am really sorry for that. I'm sorry for being horrible and not doing what I'm told. I shouldn't have made that move..."



I mumble, "I'm sorry for being so dirty..."



That last apology was supposed to be for myself; not for him. He must have heard it because I hear him take a deep, steadying breath before speaking.



"You're not dirty and you don't need to apologize for anything. I don't want you to be submissive and I certainly don't want you to think that you need to follow orders. I'm not going to order you to do anything, especially if I know you're not comfortable with it. As for you thinking you're dirty; what can I do to make you think otherwise? If I could, I would kiss you all day, everyday. Do you think I would want to do that if you were dirty? None of this is your fault and I want you to stop thinking that way. If you were dirty then you'd still be living that life, hooked on drugs, because you choose to. You chose to quit that whole lifestyle because you're a good person, who wants to lead a good, clean life..."



He wants to kiss me all day, every day? Is he serious?



"Deadly serious. Are you sure you haven't taken any kind of truth serum or something? You don't normally think out loud."



I try to muster a small smile, "No truth serum; and no drugs, I promise..."



"I know you haven't taken any drugs. I know you wouldn't do that without speaking to me first. You promised me."



I nod. He's right. I would speak to him first, because I promised.



"Listen, Dani, I want you to be brave and bold. I want you to make the first move sometimes. I want you to show me that you're more comfortable with me and that you trust me to know when to draw the line. I want to know that I can make the first move, if I want to, because you'll know I won't take advantage of the situation. I want you to kiss me whenever you feel like it..."



"But what if it's too much... you know..."



"For me or you?"



"For you..."



I can feel my face on fire. Like, literally on fire. I place my hands on my cheeks to make sure flames aren't actually protruding from them.



"Then I'll deal with that. I'm not going to pressure you into anything. I don't want you to worry about me and how I'm handling the situation. You don't need to be thinking about that. You need to concentrate on realizing this is different to all of the other times and that I'm not going to hurt you. Are you ok now?"



I nod a tiny bit. It's going to take me a little longer to get over my embarrassment, but I'm glad I talked it out with him.



I start up the steps again and Eli's voice sounds amused as he says, "By the way, I'd like it if you kissed me whenever the notion takes you. That was one of the best moments of my life."



My heart does that weird flip flop again and it speeds up a tiny bit. I don't know how to respond to that, so I say nothing. Somehow, I don't think he was expecting a response. I didn't know how right I was when I thought this morning was a strange one. I don't even know how to process the events of the last hour or so. I haven't even sat down at my desk and I feel all kinds of confused. Maybe getting some work done will actually clear my head.



Eli's hand grasps mine firmly before we enter our floor and he doesn't let go until we're at my desk. The Captain looks serious as he calls Eli into his office. Eli flashes me a tight smile and kisses the top of my head before leaving. That doesn't seem good, but it's obviously none of my business. I glance at my clock; only 2 more hours until Toby drops Scar off. I can't help the smile that appears on my face. I really am so excited to get this dog. I just hope he can love me as much I as already love him. Eli and I definitely have an interesting'family'.