A/N: Apologies for the long delay between updates. I've had an eye infection so I haven't been able to read or write anything recently. I'm so sorry! I hope you like the chapter and let me know what you think :)





Chapter One Hundred Twenty-Seven



Dani's P.O.V.





Once Eli leaves Sam's office, she asks, "How are things? Anything you'd like to talk about?"



I let out a deep breath and try to fight back the embarrassment of what my next words are going to be. If I don't just blurt them out, I will lose my nerve and I won't say them. Scar must must notice my discomfort, because he places his head in my lap and wags his tail at me. This dog is far too sweet. I love him already. I rest my hand on the top of his head and give him a scratch behind his ear.



Scar's presence gives me extra confidence, so I rush out, "I kissed Eli."



Sam looks slightly taken aback by my words, but then a huge smile forms on her face and she asks, "I'm proud of you. How do you feel about it?"



"So embarrassed."



"Really? Why?"



"Because that's not something I do. I'm not that person..."



"You love Eli, right?"



"Yes ma'am."



"And you trust him not to hurt you?"



I quietly reply, "As much as my mind and heart will allow me to right now."



"Good answer. You're not completely shutting out the prospect of fully trusting him in the future. You've experienced something extremely traumatic and I would be concerned if you just blindly trusted anyone. You shouldn't be embarrassed about being affectionate with Eli, or anyone else. I know you struggle with physical contact, but you shouldn't be embarrassed about finding it difficult or with actually initiating contact. Part of overcoming your fear is pushing the boundaries. Now, I'm not advocating going all out or anything, because I think that will be detrimental in the long run, but I do think you should push the boundaries as much as you're comfortable with. You need to know that not all touch is bad or causes you pain. Do you shake people's hands?"



I'm horrified at her words. That would mean touching people; people who aren't Eli. Even touching Eli is still a battle for me sometimes. I'm constantly fighting back the bad memories and trying to make new ones. I just need to figure out how to get rid of the bad ones, because they don't seem to be leaving my mind, even by creating new ones.



I notice I haven't answered Sam's question, so I quickly say, "No ma'am."



"Ok, so can we try a little experiment? I'd like for you to try shaking a few people's hands before I see you again. It doesn't have to be people you don't know. Maybe ask Ash and Ryan if they'd mind taking part? Could you try that?"



I can do this, right? I mean, I hugged Ash a few weeks ago. Ok, so I wasn't quite thinking straight and I wasn't totally comfortable, but I still did it. I shook Tyler's hand that one time. I can do this. Well, I can try at least. If I have a complete melt down, then at least Ash and Arrow will understand.



I quietly respond, "I can try."



"You trust Ash and Ryan."



It's not really a question; more a statement, but I reply anyway.



"I believe they are good people; special people. I don't think they'd hurt me and I trust them to some degree. Not as much as Eli or as much I probably could, but I do trust them some. The fear of someone hurting me is always in the back of my mind, but I can be around them and not freak out. That's saying something, right?"



"That's good. You're constantly changing, Dani. And they're good changes too. Do you even know how amazing you are? Do you realize how proud I am of you and how proud of yourself you should be?"



I'm guessing those are rhetorical questions, so I don't answer. I also don't believe I am amazing or that she is proud of me, but I definitely keep that quiet.



She continues, "There are so many times you could have given up or refused to do the treatments I have suggested. I would have understood either of those options. I may not have agreed with you or believed it would help your recovery, but I would have understood all the same. Still, you've kept going. I know you've had your set backs, but you have been trying so hard. It's paying off. You're getting there. How are the nightmares?"



I shrug, "They haven't gone. Some nights they aren't as bad, but I can't get through a whole night without them."



"And the panic attacks?"



"Not as bad. The higher dose of Modecate really helps with that. I find it easier to bring myself back if I feel an attack starting."



"That's good progress. I don't really want to go any higher with the dose anytime soon. If things get really bad then we'll reassess, but for now, I don't want to go any higher. Is there anything you'd like to talk about? Anything bothering you?"



I pause, take a deep breath and then let it out slowly. The whole point of having these sessions is to help me work through things, right? It's a complete waste of money if I don't actually try to talk about at least some of the stuff that is on my mind, isn't it?



Scar lets out a huff and I feel the breath fan across my fingers, which are still stroking the fur on his face. He gives me a little bit of confidence, so I take another breath and quietly ask a question.



"Do you think I'll ever be brave?"



"Who told you you're not brave? Why would you think that, Dani?"



"I don't want to betray Eli by talking about him."



"Did Eli tell you you're not brave?"



I panic that I would lead her to believe such a thing and I rush out,"Oh! No ma'am. He's never said that..."



"Why would you think you'd be betraying him?"



"Because it isn't right to talk about people. I remember my momma telling me that..."



"She meant you shouldn't talk badly about people. I don't believe you would speak badly of Eli. I know you care for him very much and I believe you wouldn't say bad things about him. You shouldn't feel that way, Dani. You're here to talk about anything you need or want to. If you're worried or scared about something, or you just need to get some help with how to deal with it, then that's what I'm here for. Eli wouldn't want you to keep things bottled up again. You can't discuss it with him?"



I shake my head and clarify, "I get so scared I'm going to hurt him if I discuss everything that's going on in my head. There's so much happening in my mind all of the time and I'm worried I will say the wrong thing and hurt him."



"What do you think you could say that will hurt him? He's seen or heard the results of pretty much everything you've been through. What are you worried you're going to say?"



I clear my throat, trying to find a way to explain what I mean. "I freaked out this morning. After, you know..."



"The kiss?"



I nod quickly. I can feel the blush forming on my cheeks, so I look down at Scar and flatten the soft fur on his ears.



"What made you freak out?"



"I was horrified that I'd done that. I'm not supposed to be so bold. I'm supposed to do as I'm told, not do things like that unless I'm told to."



Sam opens her mouth to speak; I hear her take in a small breath. Now that I've started talking, I have to continue, so I stop her from saying anything.



"I know you're going to tell me the same thing Eli did, that it's good I'm feeling more comfortable. I feel like I've betrayed myself so much. I've spent years building up these walls, to stop people from hurting me and now I feel like I'm setting myself to get hurt way worse than I ever have. Those monsters hurt my body and killed my spirit, but they never had my heart to be able to hurt it. Eli has at least a part of that and he could crush it, as well as hurt me physically, and I'm doing nothing to stop that. I'm not protecting myself because I'm taking part in setting myself up for it. But then another part of my brain realizes what I'm thinking and it scolds me. I shouldn't feel like that. Eli has never hurt me, in fact he's always tried to protect me and take care of me. It is natural for me to be frightened of everything and knowing that kills me. I know that I'm punishing Eli for other people's actions but I can't seem to stop myself. I'm constantly waiting for the next time I'm going to get hurt. How am I supposed to tell Eli that? How am I supposed to tell him that I can't be sure he isn't going to hurt me? How am I supposed to live with that feeling and seeing the hurt and disappointment on his face?"



Sam pauses before speaking again, and the only sounds in the room are our breathing, Scar's breathing and that ticking clock.



"I can see why you aren't able to discuss this with him. I know you don't want to hurt Eli, but you do need to let him know your fears. He needs to know that the reason you back off or panic goes beyond your fear of men or human touch. He needs to know that because, eventually, you will be ok with him touching you or being affectionate. When that day comes and you still have a panic moment, then he's going to wonder what is going on. He's going to be more hurt that you didn't speak to him about it before hand. Don't you think that will upset him even more?"



A few silent tears spill from my eyes and I take in a shaky breath.



"I'm trying so hard; I promise I am. But the thought that I don't trust him kills me. He has never given me any reason to doubt his intentions and I am rewarding his goodness by treating him like the people who held me captive. How is that right or fair?"



"You can't make yourself trust him. Your subconscious won't be convinced so easily. You are just trying to protect yourself, even if you aren't intentionally doing it. That is your body's natural coping mechanism and it's natural defenses. No one can blame you for that. Eli may be hurt when you initially speak with him about it, but in the long term it will help him to understand. Do you think it doesn't already upset him when you suddenly panic or run away from him after an affectionate moment?"



She leaves the question hanging, but I'm sure she can see the horrified look that I know is now on my features.



She quickly continues, "I'm not saying you shouldn't panic or that you should feel bad for your reaction. I'm simply trying to give you some perspective on the situation. If he's already feeling some of these things, then maybe you should shed some light on why you act and feel the way you do. I can't presume to know what Eli's take on everything is and I definitely can't tell you what he thinks about it all. That man is a difficult one to read, that's for sure. But I can tell you that he probably feels like he has done something wrong or he has triggered a memory by being affectionate toward you. Don't you think he should know it's not those things that are causing your reaction?"



She's right; I know she is. I should tell him that it's not his fault, but if I do that, then I have to tell him the real reason. I have to tell him that I still don't trust him properly and that I can't see why or how he can truly accept how filthy I am. I know he doesn't want to hear me voice that, so I know I can't tell him that part. I'm constantly battling that dirty feeling on the inside and no matter how many times Eli tells me I'm not dirty, it won't take that away. He doesn't know everything I've seen and done. He can't possibly know my whole sordid past and I would never subject him to the horror of it all. Because of this, I will never escape that awful, disgusting, dirty feeling. It's something that is on the inside of me and no amount of scrubbing or hiding will change that.



Sam's voice calling my name snaps me out of my thoughts.



"You were lost in your mind there, Dani. Do you want to talk about it?"



I shake my head. We're just going to go round in circles, aren't we? There's no point voicing it again. I can feel Sam's stare on me, even though I'm not looking at her. I'm watching Scar closely and his gaze flickers between mine and his surroundings. It's like he is constantly assessing the situation.



Sam breaks my thoughts again, "Would you like me to speak to Eli for you? Maybe not to tell him everything you've told me, but at least to open the topic for discussion."



At first, I shake my head, mortified that she'd just be able to discuss something like that with Eli. I don't want him to think we talk about him in these last parts of the sessions. I don't want him to think I'm talking badly about him or revealing all of our private life.



Sam must sense my fear, because she says, "I won't tell him we've been talking about him and I won't tell him specifically what he have discussed. I will simply inform him that you have some concerns and you're worried about upsetting him by bringing them up. Maybe that will prepare him and it will allow him to start the conversation later on."



"He's working tonight. Prison transfer."



"Ok, how about I give him a call tomorrow instead? Would that be better?"



Now that the initial shock has worn off and Sam has explained it a bit better, maybe this is a good idea. She'll warn him and maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe I won't upset him so much if he knows something is coming.



I nod sheepishly and whisper, "Ok, let him know I don't want to hurt him please."



"I will be sure to tell him that. And Dani? Thank you for talking to me about this. The progress you are making is amazing. Please remember that. Don't get so lost in the set backs that you forget how far you really have come."



"I'll try. Thank you."



As I leave Sam's office, I find Ash sitting next to Eli. They're both drawing patterns on styrofoam cups with their fingernails. They must not realize my session is finished, because Ash exclaims, "Done! I beat you! Ha! Pay up, Ramirez!"



Eli mutters something under his breath, but I can see the smile on his face. He tries to disguise his smile with a scowl as he hands over a pocket knife. When Ash grabs the knife, Eli snatches the cup with Ash's drawing on.



Eli grumbles, "What is that?! That does not look like an MK16. The barrel is far too long and the magazine isn't long enough... Hand it back..."



Ash laughs, "It's a freakin' drawing Eli. It's not drawn to freakin' scale. Don't be such a sore loser."



"No, I said draw an MK16 SCAR. At best, you've drawn a 17. Mine looks way more like a 16, even though you were done first."



Sam shoots me a confused look, so I whisper, "They're talking about guns."



Both guys' head snap in our direction and they both look caught out momentarily. Eli recovers first and sends me a smile, "Hey, you're done. Are you finished early?"



I shake my head, "You must have been caught up in your game."



He chuckles, "I so won it though. Even if Ash won't admit it. Take a look. Tell me his doesn't look like an MK17."



He shows me both cups and I shrug, "I don't really know what they look like, Eli. I only know what they are. They're not the ones the team use, I know that."



Ash joins in the conversation, "No, they're Ranger weapons. He's just being a sore loser..."



"I want my freakin' knife back, man. You didn't complete the mission, soldier."



Ash full out laughs at that and I send a look toward Sam. As if my glance in her direction reminds the guys that she is there. Eli nods in her direction and says, "Thanks Sam."



Ash nods at her, but simply addresses her by saying, "Doc."



I can't tell if there's disdain in his voice or what, but there's definitely an undertone of something there. There's also no signature smile on his face.



I shake my head at the thought. Ash isn't a horrible person, he wouldn't be nasty to Sam. I must be imagining things.



Eli stops my trail of thought, "You ready to go, baby?"



"Yeah. Thanks Sam."



"You're welcome. I'll see you on Monday, Dani."



I don't miss the way she quietly adds, "Eli? I'll give you a call tomorrow."



He nods, but doesn't question it. Although, I do see a slight look of confusion cross his features before he hides it. We say goodbye, but Ash just throws a nod in Sam's direction.



Once we're in the car, it doesn't take long for Ash to voice what that was all about.



"Man, I don't like shrinks..."



Wow, that makes me feel great. I'm so messed up that I have to see a shrink when everyone else hates them. I make Ash have to sit in her reception and see Sam, all because I can't control my own mind and body. How selfish am I to put him through that? I quickly throw out an apology.



Before anything else can be said, Eli growls, "Scott... I'm warning you. Watch it..."



Ash sends me a sheepish smile, "Sorry, Dani. I didn't mean it like that. I'm happy to take you there, honest. I just hate that they try to analyze me. It's a habit they can't stop and I hate it. Not everyone needs or wants their opinion..."



Now that I can understand. I used to think the same way.



I nod and respond, "I know what you mean. I used to think that too. I used to hate the sessions too, but I think Sam is a good person. She's just trying to help."



"I know, darlin'. It's just my personal preference. Maybe it goes back to my time in the forces. I don't know. I just can't make myself like them. Sorry."



I frown, not understanding why he is apologizing to me, "You don't need to apologize, Ash. It's ok. You're allowed to have your opinion. Once Eli can drive, you won't have to see her again."



He sighs, "I don't want you to think I don't want to bring you. I'd do pretty much anything for you and Eli. I just don't want her to use her brain mumbo jumbo on me..."



I giggle at his terminology, "It's not magic, Ash."



He laughs, "I know that. Trust me, magicians are way cooler."



"Really?"



"Oh yeah. Have you never seen a magician?"



I drop my head, "No sir."



"Well, we can't have that. I'll show you a video and you'll be completely amazed. Now that is something special..."





And just like that, Ash totally changes the feel in the car. I don't know how he does it, but he can make pretty much anyone laugh. Even I have to chuckle at him sometimes. I have to admit, laughing is becoming easier. He doesn't mind acting silly to get a laugh out of people and I like that he can be so free. I wish I could be the same, but maybe I can live that part out through the way he acts and imagine being the same way. Who knows, maybe a tiny bit will rub off on me. Eli says I've learned my few sarcastic moments from Ash, so maybe there is still hope for me yet.