Chapter One Hundred Twenty-Nine

Dani's P.O.V.

I'm laying on the couch, with a book and Scar's head in my lap. He's not asleep and his eyes are constantly checking up on me. I'm sure he can sense how tense I am. I'm so worried that my insides are in knots and I feel like I'm going to be sick. My fears are only made worse when I remember Eli was shot not that long ago. I almost lost him that time and I'm petrified that every time he leaves on a job, it will be the last time I see him. I don't know if my heart can take this.

I bury my face in Scar's fur and try to allow his presence to relax me. That isn't so easy to do and I'm sure I won't release this tension until Eli walks through the door. Hearing his voice would be a bonus, but he spoke to me after the raid and he still nearly died.

I can feel myself start to panic at the thought and I work on calming myself down. Scar whines at me and nudges my hands with his wet nose.

I speak in Dutch to him, "I know. I'm scared too. Maybe you don't get scared, huh? You're a cop so you've seen it all, haven't you? How do they do it, boy? How do they not get scared every time they go out on a call? I get scared at silly little things and they're not even scared when they're getting shot at. How is that even possible?"

Scar simply raises his eyes to look directly at me. The gesture is so small and simple, but it holds much significance to me. It's almost like he's responding to my questions.

I hold my book in one hand, run my fingers through Scar's fur with the other and read while I wait for Eli. I have to do something to distract myself. I've already baked and frosted a cake for him. I just have to wait until I hear from Eli or see him walk through the door. He said he'd call when the transfer was over, so I believe he will do that. I check the phone to make sure it's switched on. Just as I'm doing this, it rings in my hand.

I quickly press the little green button and ask, "Eli?"

His voice is soft when he replies, "Hey, it's me."

The background is very noisy so I hesitantly ask, "Is everything ok?"

"Yeah, the transfer is complete and we're just finishing up with the reports before we can make our way back. How are you doing?"

I rush out, "Are you in one piece? No injuries?"

"No, no injuries. I'm fine. We're all fine."

I let out a long sigh, "And the danger is over, right?"

"Yes ma'am, the danger is over. We'll be heading back soon."

"Then I'm ok. I was so worried."

"I know. I'm sorry about that. Everything is fine. How's Scar?"

"He's ok. He's laying on the couch with me right now..."

I'm almost certain I hear him mutter, "I wish I was him right now."

Instead of bringing attention to his possible comment, I ask, "Eli? Are you sure you're ok?"

"Yeah, I'll just be really glad to get back. Maybe I'm getting too old for these late nights..."

"You're still recovering. You should really be resting, if you don't mind me saying so..."

"You can say whatever you want to me. I'm ok with that. Maybe I'll take a day off tomorrow or at least go in a little later. How would that suit you?"

I won't like not going into work with him or having him there to watch out for me, but I won't be selfish and tell him that. I put his recovery foremost in my mind when I reply, "I think that's a good idea. You need to get some rest."

"I'll see how I feel in the morning. I'll be back as soon as I can, ok?"

"Ok."

"You can go to bed, sweetheart. I'll come in quietly."

"Oh no, Eli. I want to wait until you come back. I want to make sure you're ok."

"I'm fine, I promise. I appreciate your concern, but I am ok."

"I'd still like to make sure. Besides, Scar might be on guard if he doesn't know it's you."

He chuckles, "That's a fair point. I don't think I'd like to be on the wrong side of him. I'll be back as soon as I can."

"Ok. Tell Ash I'm glad he's ok."

I hear his smile as he replies, "I will. See you in a little while, baby."

AsI hang up, I let out a deep sigh and whisper to the dog, "He's ok; they're ok. Thank goodness for that... He'll be home soon."

I continue to read my book but I finish that and move on to a new one before Eli returns. I'm pretty much at the end of the medical journal I'm reading when Scar jumps up. He's alert and I watch him for any sign of something being wrong. About a minute later, I hear keys jangle and go into the lock. It must be Eli. Scar jumps off the couch and he trots to the front door. He's on guard but he's not showing signs of aggression or protectiveness. It's almost like he knows who is on the other side of the door.

I hear Eli's voice say, "Hey boy. How are you doing? Is your momma still awake?"

Hearing those words stops me in my tracks and I feel like the breath has left me for a few seconds. I know I called Eli and Scar my 'interesting family', but I didn't think Eli would refer to me as Scar's momma. My heart doesn't know whether to squeeze or swell. I know neither are technically possible, but that's what they feel like inside of my body. For now, I bench that thought because Eli is about to walk into the room and I'm so glad he's here. I want to make sure he's in one piece for myself.

When I see him enter the living room, I'm off the sofa and I almost run into his arms. I must catch him off guard, because his arms open at the very last second and catch me, but I nearly knock him off his feet. Now, my size and strength are no match for his, so I know he wasn't expecting that. He lets out a quick breath, like I've knocked the air out of him, then his arms circle around me and he holds me tighter than he ever has. Everything inside me is wondering if everything is actually as ok as he is leading me to believe. Instead of questioning him about it, I hold him tight and appreciate the fact that he's home and not hurt.

Both Eli and myself are completely silent for the longest time. Normally something like this would make me feel very uncomfortable, but I don't feel anything of the sort. I guess I'm so grateful that he's homethat the feeling overrides any other.

Eventually, Eli whispers, "I am so glad to be home. That was an awesome greeting from both of you. Although, I liked your's way better."

I feel him place a kiss on the top my head and I can't stop the blush from creeping onto my cheeks. I know he can't see it, because my face is still buried in his chest, but I'm sure he knows it's there anyway because I hear a soft chuckle come from him. I know he's not making fun of me. I couldn't say that before, but I know that now.

I speak into his chest because I can't bring myself to move from the position I'm in, "I'm happy you're home and in one piece. No one was hurt, were they?"

"No ma'am. No one was hurt. You need to get some sleep, sweetheart. You have to leave for work in two hours. Ash said he'd pick us up."

I thought he wasn't going in straight away and I can't stop the concerned words from escaping.

"You're going in to work?"

He has hardly taken any time off since coming out of the hospital. I know he's been on restricted duties, but it's not the same as staying at home and resting.

I feel him shrug, "I haven't decided yet. I'll see how I feel in acouple of hours. Come on, let's get to bed. I just want to have a quick shower."

I nod and tell him I'll turn all the lights off and follow him up. As I watch Eli head upstairs, I take stock of my life. I could never have imagined having a beautiful house like this, an amazing dog and, more importantly, having someone as special as Eli in my life. I still don't believe I deserve this, but I do appreciate everything I have. I suppose the life I had before makes me appreciate the good things even more.

Scar waits for me as I set the alarm, make sure the lights and plugs are switched off and then walk up the stairs. Scar is literally on my heels and I feel his nose touch the back of my knee every few steps. If a person were to touch me like that, I would have a moment, but when Scar does it, I feel protected and safe. My body and mind are strange things and I don't know if I will ever get used to the way they react to things.

I'm just climbing into bed when Eli is coming out of the bathroom. He wasn't wrong when he said he wanted a quick shower. Although, I'm not sure anyone takes as long as me in the shower. It's become a habit to try to scrub away the filth off and out of me. I know it won't work, but you can't blame a girl for trying, can you?

While I'm settling against Eli's side and he pulls me close against him, I hear my poppa's voice whisper, "Now is the time, Svetlyak."

Although his voice shocks me, I do my best to cover my reaction. I don't want to worry Eli or make him think I'm any more crazy. I know exactly what my poppa is referring to because I have been doing a lot of thinking about everything. I can't stop my brain from thinking, which is extremely annoying sometimes. There are times when I wish I could switch it off, but I don't have that luxury or ability.

Scar creeps further up the bed and rests his chin on my arm. The dog gives me a little extra courage. I take a deep breath and decide to trust my poppa and trust myself a little as well. I think we've discovered that I don't trust myself very much. I know I have clouded vision on most things. I see scary things in every person and every situation, so I tend not to trust my opinion on most things.

My mouth takes on a mind of it's own when it calls Eli's name. I wasn't actually ready to say anything yet. I was trying to work up the courage, but here is a prime example of my mind thinking twenty steps or conversations ahead of where my body and heart are.

"Yes baby?"

I pause and I think Eli is worried, because his tone is concerned when he asks, "Are you ok?"

I nod and also shrug at the same time.

Before I can second guess myself, I say, "Ask me again."

He frowns and that, combined with his look of confusion, is endearing. I almost get sidetracked, but I manage to hold on to my thought.

"That day in the cemetery... Ask me again..."

I hear the moment he understands, because the breath catches in the back of his throat. He's silent for a minute or two and I start to panic. Maybe he doesn't want to ask me again. Maybe he's changed his mind. Maybe he's fed up with me and is trying to find a way out of this without hurting me too much. I know he's a good man and he wouldn't want to hurt me intentionally. As I'm processing a million thoughts, Eli's movement snaps me back into reality.

He turns onto his side so he can face me better. He takes my hand in his and plants a kiss on the palm of my hand.

"Danica Yazmin Romanov, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?"

Instead of answering his question, I ask, "You know my middle name?"

He chuckles, "Of course I do. I'm a cop, Dani. Did you think I wouldn't be able to find that out?"

I truthfully answer, "I didn't even think you'd be bothered to do that. It never even entered my mind you'd think to do that."

"I think it's a pretty important thing to know. So...?"

It's now that I realize I haven't answered his question, so I take a deep breath and say, "Yes, I will."

He lets out a deep sign of relief and then his face nearly cracks in half with a smile. I've honestly never seen a smile so huge on his face and I can't stop myself from smiling too. Eli stares directly into my eyes and I feel myself blush. He's looking at me differently right now and I can't place the look or the feeling behind it. It's something I've never seen before and I'm starting to get embarrassed so I look away from his intense stare.

Sometimes he looks at me like he can see deep into my soul and that scares me. I don't want him to know every bad thing I've ever done. He may not leave me, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who doesn't want people to know every terrible thing they've done.

As I'm just about to get lost in my thoughts, Eli catches my attention.

"Hey... Thank you."

I feel the frown form on my face and he doesn't need me to question him before he starts to clarify.

"For saying yes. For actually giving me an answer. I love you so much, you know that, right?"

I nod. I actually do believe that now. I may not understand it, but I do believe his words.

I whisper, "I love you too."

I glance up at him and that super smile is still there. I see his gaze flicker between my eyes and my lips and I instinctively know what he wants to do. He shows me just how different he is to everyone I've ever met when he speaks his next words.

Instead of just doing it, he asks, "Can I kiss you? Are you ok with that?"

I can't actually find words, so I simply nod. I see him silently checking for any signs that I'm not ok with this, so I try my hardest to mask any fear I'm feeling. I know it's my irrational thoughts and my memories that are making me fearful. My conscious mind knows that Eli isn't going to hurt me and he won't ever do anything I'm uncomfortable with. My subconscious is taking a bit longer to come around to that way of thinking.

Eli prolongs the kiss longer than he has before and I have to keep reminding myself that it's Eli and he's not going to hurt me. My subconscious must catch up a little, because at some point I start to kiss Eli back. Before I can panic too much, Eli pulls away and rests his forehead against mine.

He's silent for a few seconds and then he simply whispers, "Wow."

I don't know what to say or do in this situation, so I stay silent and completely still. My mind is all over the place right now and I'm trying to figure everything out. I can hear Eli's ragged breathing and I'm fighting back memories just at that sound. It is so frustrating and upsetting because my conscious mind knows that Eli won't hurt me, but my subconscious can't let go of the memories that are locked inside of it. I want to trust Eli; I want to be brave and not freak out at the smallest of things. I want to be different. I so desperately want to be different, but my mind won't let me. Trying to explain it to someone who doesn't have my mind or hasn't experienced the horrific things I have is a difficult task. To make someone truly understand, they would have to live it, and I wouldn't wish that upon anyone.

My brain is going through a thousand different scenarios and even as I'm thinking all of this, I am scolding myself for being the way that I am. I know it is punishing Eli; I know that I am treating him terribly, but something deep inside of me is making me this way. I hate it so much. I hate my memory; I hate my mind; I hate the fact that I'm not a good person and that I can't be what Eli wants or needs me to be.

I feel a nudge on my forehead and Eli's voice filters through, "Hey, what's going on up there?"

I can't tell him what I'm thinking, so I simply say, "Nothing."

He chuckles a little, "Seriously? You've probably reprogramed the dishwasher to load itself and then cured some unknown disease in the space of five minutes. I'm sure there's more than nothing going on in your brain."

I smile at his comment, "I wish I could reprogram the dishwasher to load itself. That would save some time."

"It sure would. What were you thinking about?"

"Just trying to process everything. I find it difficult to understand some things."

"Anything I can help with?"

I think for a few seconds and I know there's no escaping his questioning. He'll either keep asking until I give him something or he'll worry that he's upset me. So, I have to tell him something without lying or revealing too much of my thought process.

"I find it hard to understand some of the things I feel."

"I know you struggle with these kind of situations and I appreciate you trusting me. I'll do whatever you need to support you and help you through it."

"Thank you. You are so patient with me and I'm sorry I can't be better."

"You're getting there, baby. You said yes, that's definitely progress."

He places a kiss on my left ring finger and he absentmindedly comments,"I have a ring, you know? I wasn't sure you'd want to wear it so I've kept it hidden. You don't have to wear it yet if you don't want to..."

I do something completely out of character for me and I place my free hand over his mouth to stop his rambling. I'm trying to be brave and trying to show him I trust him and love him. I need to at least make steps to improve and my words try to convey that to him.

"I said yes, so I'll wear it. I can't promise I won't panic if people ask about it, but I will wear it. It's important to you, so it's important to me."

I didn't think his smile could get any bigger, but he's just proven me wrong. I'm almost certain I see tears in his eyes, but I know Eli is tough and he doesn't like to show weakness, so I don't bring any attention to it. He jumps out of bed excitedly, like a child on Christmas morning. I watch him rummage through some drawers and then he appears at the side of the bed with a tiny velvet box.

He kneels by the bedside and opens the lid of the box to reveal a simple white gold ring with a diamond in the center. It's beautiful but it's not so extravagant that it will draw loads of attention to it. I've never had anything of such importance given to me and tears threaten to spill from my eyes.

I manage to whisper, "It's beautiful."

That's when the tears fall. It suddenly hits me that Eli wants to spend the rest of his life with me. That everything he does is to help me and make me happy. He goes out of his way to make sure I'm not scared or uncomfortable. He doesn't have to do that, but he does it anyway.

Because words aren't exactly forthcoming right now, I launch myself into his arms and wrap my arms around his neck so tight. I'm guessing he wasn't expecting that, because he flies backwards, just managing to catch both of us before we fall flat on the floor.

I feel him chuckle and he whispers, "That's twice you've nearly knocked me off my feet tonight. I wouldn't mind that happening more often, sweetheart."

I manage to croak out an apology but he quickly assures me no apology is necessary.

"I truly don't mind. In fact, I actually quite like it. I like you showing these displays of affection. I'd be quite happy if you had more of these moments. I'm not pressuring you, I just want you to know that I wouldn't mind more of them. Shall we get up from the floor?"

"Oh yes. Sorry."

He chuckles, "Hey, it's no problem. No reason to apologize."

Eli is on his feet first. He's a lot more agile than I am, so he's much quicker on his feet. He helps me to stand and then he pulls me close as he places the ring on my finger. That weird flip flop feelings in my stomach is back and it takes my breath away momentarily. Eli is still sporting that huge smile and he kisses me again.

Before he gets back into bed, he whispers, "You've made me a very happy man, Danica. Thank you."

I find that concept extremely strange. I can't believe that I'd make him, or anyone, happy. That is still a very foreign idea to me and I don't know what to say to that. Instead of saying anything, I hold him tighter for a few seconds and then send him a smile. He seems to get the message and he gets back into bed.

Before Eli turns the light out, he places a quick kiss over the ring he's just put onto my finger. This evening has been so very strange. It's probably not how either of us expected the night to go, but I think it's a good thing. Eli is happy and I've made some progress. I'm actually looking forward to telling Sam that I'm making some good changes. I know I have to wait a few days before I see her again, but maybe I can send her a text or something. That's the last thought on my mind as sleep tugs at my consciousness.