Chapter One Hundred Thirty-One

Dani's P.O.V.

Eli wasn't joking when he said Connie was excited. She planned a whole party in the space of a day. While it's slightly unnerving for me, I have to admit that it's quite an achievement. I wouldn't even know where to begin. I have no idea how to plan a party, let alone a wedding. We don't have to rush into anything, do we? I mean, it's not like we have to get married in a few weeks, is it? Maybe that's how things work. I have no idea. I didn't think about this when I gave Eli my answer. Why didn't I think everything through properly? I was so scared he wouldn't return from the transfer and when he did I was so relieved that it seemed like the right thing to do. I should have talked to him about it beforehand. Why am I so stupid? Why don't I think things through properly?

Hearing my name snaps me out of my mental scolding. I have no idea who called me, so my head snaps in the direction of the voice. I'm met with Connie's kind face watching me with concern.

"Are you ok, Dani? Is it all too much for you?"

I try to give her a reassuring smile, "It's ok, Connie. I was just lost in thought."

"I know it's all new and daunting for you, sweetie. If you need anything, you just ask me."

I bite my lip, wondering if I should voice some of my thoughts. After a minute or so, I decide to just bite the bullet and ask.

"Connie, may I ask you something?"

"Of course, dear. Ask away."

"What is normal in a situation like this?"

"An engagement?"

"Yes ma'am."

"There are no set rules. You can do whatever you want to. If you want to have a long engagement, then that's what do you. If you want to get married straight away, then you can do that too. Everything is up to you and Eli."

That's good to know. Although, it means I have to talk to him about it all. He's got something else on his mind at the moment. He thinks I can't see it, but I can. I know something is bothering him. I just hope it isn't bad or that I've disappointed him. I'm really trying to be better for him and for myself. I hate to think I'm a disappointment or an embarrassment to him.

Maria appears at Connie's side and she starts talking about churches and flowers and dresses and I don't hear what else because that's when the panic settles in the pit of my stomach. This is real. This is actually happening. I mean, I'm wearing the ring and I gave Eli an answer, but it didn't feel like anything had changed until Maria started telling me all of the things I have to buy and do. It suddenly hits me what people are expecting and I don't know how to deal with that. The weight of my thoughts feel like someone has physically punched me in the stomach, and trust me, I know exactly what that feels like.

Before I even have time to even think about freaking out, Eli is by my side and whispering in my ear. I have no idea what he is saying, but I do know that simply hearing his voice starts to calm me down. Instinctively, I place my hand flat on his chest, over his heart. I've become accustomed to this routine and I know exactly how this process goes without even thinking about it. His heart rate is slightly raised for a few seconds and then it gradually slows down. I count the beats almost inaudibly, my lips barely moving as I speak the numbers.

When I've calmed down, Eli speaks in Russian, "Are you back?"

I nod ever so slightly, biting my bottom lip in embarrassment. Eli puts his arm around me and tucks me close against his side.

He continues to question me in Russian so no one can understand us, "What happened? You were ok a minute ago..."

I shrug against his side, "My brain just got a bit carried away; thinking too far ahead I guess..."

I know Maria didn't intentionally upset me. I believe she's just excited, especially as she has done this before and she knows what to do. She can't help it that my mind has its own agenda and goes places of it's own accord.

Eli snaps me back into reality, "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I just had a moment. I'm ok."

He nods, "Ok. I'll stay with you for a minute; just to be sure."

I know there's no arguing with him. Not that I'd do that anyway, but once Eli gets an idea in his head, there's no changing his mind.

Thankfully, the rest of the evening goes without any more mishaps. I manage to keep a check on my mind enough to not panic or act like a crazy person. Fiona has a great time with Scar and he is so good with her. You would never think he was a working dog or that he could be scary in any way.

It's nearly midnight when we step into our house. I feel drained, so I can only imagine how Eli feels. He looks so tired, but he also looks like he has a huge weight on his shoulders. As we settle in bed, I muster up the courage to ask him if he's ok.

He pauses and then takes a deep breath before answering, "Sam called me today..."

I bite back my dread at this conversation and try to sound calm, "She said she would..."

"You knew what she was going to say?"

"Not really. She told me she'd bring some stuff up with you."

"Because you couldn't talk to me about it yourself?"

He doesn't sound angry, but I feel like he's disappointed with me.

I try to be strong as I voice my thoughts, "I didn't want to see the disappointment or hurt on your face. I don't want you to think I'm not trying or that I think you're the same as those monsters. I don't think that, I promise..."

"I know you don't. I can't understand your thoughts or behavior if you don't explain it to me. Sam explained that your subconscious is taking some time to catch up and you're only trying to protect yourself. I get that. I also understand that a lot of what you're thinking and feeling is your body's natural way of taking care of you. I can't be angry or disappointed at something you have no control over. You know what makes me happy about the whole thing?"

There's something to be happy about in all of this? Obviously, I don't voice that thought. I simply wait for him to clarify.

"Well, there are two things that make me happy. One, is that you agreed to marry me, despite having these fears. You fought through all the noise in your head and decided to say yes, even though you were or are scared. The second, is that it means I at least have a part of your heart. That is something I could never be angry, hurt or disappointed by. The fact that you've allowed me to have part of your heart is amazing and I can't even find words to describe how it truly makes me feel... It would be selfish of me to expect your fears and memories to go away just because you have changed; because our relationship has changed..."

My mouth takes on a mind of it's own as I quickly say, "Selfish? There's nothing selfish about you, Eli. You shouldn't think that..."

I catch the smirk on his face, which makes me realize what I've just done. I feel the heat fill my cheeks and he chuckles.

"Trust me, when it comes to you I am the most selfish person on the planet. I don't want to share you with anyone."

"That's not the same."

"I know, but it's true all the same. I know that things would be very different if your mind was different..."

"It's ok, you can say normal. I know my brain isn't normal. Life would be so different if it was normal."

"Normal is overrated. I love you the way you are. The fact that you've been through so much and you still love and trust me, that means so much more to me. I know you don't have the luxury of forgetting things, so we deal with what's in front of us. I get that. That's not to say it doesn't hurt me to see and hear your fears and what's caused them, but I do appreciate trusting isn't so easy for you. We'll get there; we'll get to a place where you know me enough and trust me enough to leave some of those fears behind; with me at least. I would never expect you to trust everyone the same way, but I know that one day you'll trust me completely. You might not even realize the moment it happens, but it will. I really do believe that."

Hearing those words makes tears fill my eyes. This man is so unbelievably special. I can't understand how he chose to accept me or love me. I'm learning to accept it but I still don't understand it.

I whisper, "You are so special, Eli. I hope you know that."

He winks, "I do now. Thank you, sweetheart."

He brushes his fingers through my hair and then across my face, while studying me intently. The weight of his stare is too much to bear, but I can't seem to look away. It's like a magnetic force is holding my gaze on his. When he kisses me, for the first time in my life, it actually makes me feel dizzy, but not in a bad way. For the first time ever, there are no disturbing or disgusting memories floating through my mind. I involuntarily gasp at the shock of this, which causes Eli to snap back quickly.

He quickly apologizes and all I can manage to do is shake my head. I need a moment to get my head together, so I place my hand on his chest to try to steady myself.

Eventually, I manage to get out two words, "Not you..."

His brow furrows in confusion, "I don't understand, baby. Did I go too far?"

I shake my head and take a deep breath. I've steadied myself a bit better, so I can vocalize my thoughts more, "There were no pictures..."

I'm doing nothing to lessen his confusion, so I try to explain better.

"No memories flashed in my mind just then.... That's what shocked me...."

He sounds shocked when he asks, "Do you have memories every time?"

He's not shocked for the same reasons as me, obviously.

I sheepishly nod my head. That's why I need to know what's happening beforehand. I need to steel my mind to try and fight the pictures and focus completely on the reality that's in front of me.

He lets out a deep sigh, "I'm so sorry, Dani. I didn't realize it was a constant fight like that..."

"But it didn't happen that time."

I hear the confusion in my own voice, so I'm pretty sure I look confused too. I don't understand why. I don't think I'll ever understand my mind to be honest.

"Maybe your subconscious is starting to catch up. Dani?"

"Yes?"

"You must promise to tell me if I'm going too far or you're scared. Ok?"

The look on his face is very serious and I find myself momentarily stunned that he's always so concerned about my feelings and not making me scared or uncomfortable.

He must mistake my silence for being wary, because he says, "Baby, I don't ever want you to be scared to tell me something like that. I don't want you to be scared to tell me anything, but especially not when you want me to stop. I would never want you to feel like I'm pressuring you into doing more than you're comfortable with. It shouldn't even enter your mind to be worried about how I'll react to you saying no. I'd rather you do that, than let me carry on and it ruins everything we've worked so hard to achieve. I don't want anything to ruin that, so I need you to tell me if things are getting too much for you. Can you do that?"

I nod and then run my fingers across his forehead, trying to smooth out the worry lines. I hate to see those lines when he's worried.

I whisper, "I don't like it when you're worried, Eli."

He pulls me closer to him and closes his eyes, "I always worry about you, sweetheart. Even if I know you're ok, I still worry. There's nothing we can do to stop that. It's part of the deal."

I lean up and place a quick kiss on his lips. I want to show him how grateful I am and how much I appreciate him. He doesn't open his eyes, but a smile forms on his face.

"I like that."

Seeing him happy makes me smile. I still can't believe or understand how I can make him happy. I can't believe I have good things in my life now. I don't think I deserve them, but I'm trying to accept it. Maybe Sam speaking to Eli has given me a bit of confidence, because I place another kiss on his lips again.

Eli's hands move from my waist to the back of my head as he deepens the kiss. While the memories are there, they aren't as terrible as they usually are. I force myself to actively change the memories with thoughts of Eli to stop the panic from rising inside of me. Eli hands start to roam and I try my hardest to forget the bad things that have happened. When he starts to lift me up and even closer to him, I can't stop the fear and panic. I tear away from him and try to stop the onslaught of pictures in my mind.

Eli acts like I've just thrown ice water over him and his voice is filled with concern and self loathing when he apologizes.

I hold my hand up to stop him speaking and I quietly say, "No, don't apologize. I'm ok; it's ok. Just too much too soon. It's not your fault, Eli."

He sends me a sad smile but he doesn't move any closer to me. I think he's not quite sure what to do now, and I can't say I blame him. My reaction must have been quite a shock for him too.

I reach for his hand, not knowing how much he can take right now. I play with his fingers as I try to figure out my own thoughts and try to steady myself.

His voice sounds a little more normal when he calls my name to grab my attention. I look up at him and i can see an almost pained look in his eyes. I put that look there. Whether it was directly or indirectly, I put that there and the thought nearly breaks my heart. I don't want to hurt him anymore.

Before I know what I'm doing, I choke back a sob and say, "I don't want to hurt you anymore, Eli. I'm so sorry it has to be this way. I thought things might change...."

His movements are tentative as he steps closer to me. I pretty much jump into his arms as I keep apologizing.

"Hey, you don't need to be sorry about anything. I think we both got a bit carried away there. We're pushing the boundaries Dani, so we're going to come up against these kinds of things. You're changing and we need to figure out where the lines are for right now. We'll figure it out, but don't feel bad about it. We're learning to work with what we've got. I've got you and that's the most important thing to me."

I tuck myself against him and squeeze him tight. I'm not as good at him with voicing my thoughts on this kind of thing, so I try to convey my message any other way I can.

He strokes his hands through my hair as he whispers, "I know, baby, I know. It'll all work out, I promise."



Author's Note: So, only a short chapter, but it felt like the right place to stop it. There are only maybe 2 or 3 chapters left :( I will be so sad to say goodbye to these guys. This story has been a big part of my life for so long. Like, seriously, you have no idea how many hours I randomly daydream, thinking about what's happening next or how Eli and Dani would react to situations. I think my family and friends think I'm crazy lol. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the update :)