Chapter One Hundred Thirty-Two

Dani's P.O.V.

The weekend is pretty much normal for us. We spend Sunday dinner at Connie and Don's house. Beth joins us, as well as Ash and his mom. Obviously, Tyler and Maria are there too but that is a usual Sunday for the Ramirez family. It still takes a little getting used to; all the noise and people. Even before everything happened to me, it was only my parents and myself. We lived in a little village back in Russia, so our house wasn't exceptionally busy. My mom used to visit people in the village, but we never really had big dinners or parties.

Talk quickly turns to the engagement and I drop my head in embarrassment. I can't believe all of this is happening. I know Eli's family are happy for him, but I struggle with the attention. Eli drops his arm across my shoulders and gives me a little squeeze. He whispers in Russian, "I've got this, baby."

He clears his throat and the change in him is immediate. He's so confident and he commands the attention of the whole room. I don't know how he does it and I'm still amazed at how opposite to him I am. It's like he makes up for all of the fearlessness and confidence that I lack.

"Just to get it out there, we haven't spoken about anything relating to a wedding. We're just happy to let things be as they are for now. When we've made any plans, then you'll be the first to know. For now, we aren't making any decisions. We want to do this our way and how we feel comfortable. So, just give us some time to figure out what that is."

There are murmurs of agreement and Ash takes it upon himself to change the subject completely. He starts to tell everyone that he beat Eli in a training session. This makes me smile. Ash is a good friend to both Eli and myself. I know he likes to joke around and mess about, but he has our interests at heart when it's most important.

I turn to Eli and whisper in Russian, "Thank you."

He shrugs, "They were making you uncomfortable, so I did what I had to to stop it. You ok?"

"Yeah. I just find it a bit overwhelming, that's all. It's still a shock to me..."

He chuckles, "You're not the only one. I thought it was going to take a lot of convincing on my part to change your mind..."

I frown, "You never needed to change my mind. I just needed to be in a place to answer. It was never a no; just an 'I'm not sure about this whole thing'."

He smiles brightly at me and I can hear the emotion in his voice when he whispers, "You are such an amazing and beautiful person. I love you so much. I want you to know that."

I feel the blush rising on my face and I hate that I can get embarrassed so easily. I wish I could hide my emotions a little bit more like Eli can. He can be completely stoic, even when the world is falling apart around him. I, on the other hand, can have a melt down at someone just looking at me.

"Eli?"

"Yes baby?"

"Do you think your parents would let us use their garden?"

"For?"

He looks so confused at my question. I forget myself for a minute and reach up to smooth the creases on his forehead. His look of confusion soon turns to a smile at my gesture. Once his frown has gone, I continue my thought.

"For a ceremony..."

I drop my head out of self-consciousness but I know the moment Eli understands my words because his breathing hitches for a fraction of a second.

In maybe a second, his mouth is right by my ear and his voice is husky as he speaks, "The fact that you've just thrown that question out is pretty hot. I'm not going to lie about that. And in answer to your question, I'm pretty certain they would be thrilled. It seems kind of fitting, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, it does. So you don't mind?"

"Not at all. In fact, I'd be very happy. Just something small; only close family and friends. That's what I'm thinking..."

"Yeah..."

It hits me that the only person from my life will be Beth. I won't have any family and no friends that didn't have a connection to Eli before I met him. This thought makes a terrible sadness flow over me. Eli must sense a change in my demeanor, because he asks, "What's wrong?"

I shake my head and take in a shaky breath, "I just wish my parents were here."

He places a kiss in my hair and whispers, "They are. You might not be able to see them, but they're here. They're watching and I know they'd be very proud of you."

"You think so?"

His voice is calm and confident when he whispers in my ear, "I know so. They would love you no matter what and if I'm very proud of you, then they'd only be more so. It's in the parent contract, trust me."

He sends me a wink and a smile which, along with his words, makes me chuckle slightly.

Then I turn serious and say, "I do, you know? Trust you I mean."

"I know, baby, I know. I'm honored that you do..."

Connie interrupts our private conversation by asking who would like dessert. Thankfully, no one seems to notice or care that Eli and I were ignoring everyone to have our own dialogue. We both try to concentrate on what else is happening at the table, which is easier for Eli, I guess. He's so good at focusing and blocking out things he doesn't want or need to think about. I find myself wishing, again, that I was more like him. I try to imagine what life would be like if I was more focused and less scared. I can't actually picture it.

After dinner, Eli and I help clean up. Everyone else is in the living room, while we help Connie in the kitchen. She puts the leftover food in containers and Eli and I work on the dishes. We're working in a comfortable silence, pretty much like we'd become accustomed to when we were living here.

The door swings open and I have a moment of apprehension before I see Don in the doorway. I feel the tenseness in my body drop slightly, knowing it's only Don.

Don smiles at me and asks, "How are you doing, Dani?"

"Fine, sir. Thank you. How are you?"

"Good. That dog of your's is pretty great, isn't he?"

"Oh, yes. He definitely is."

Scar is planted firmly at my feet, watching my every move and keeping an eye on our surroundings. He's very quickly come to see me as his handler and I love him dearly. I don't know if dogs can love us in the same way, but I like to think he loves me too.

Eli says, "Ma, Pops, while you're both here, we have something we'd like to ask you."

Connie seems worried when she questions, "Is everything ok?"

"Oh, yes. Dani and I were wondering if you'd allow us to have the wedding ceremony here, in the garden. We haven't talked about a date yet, but we wondered if you'd let us have it here..."

Connie lets out a little squeal and she smiles so brightly at the pair of us.

"Of course! I'm so happy you'd ask us. I think it would be perfect! Won't it, Don?"

"Definitely. I think it's very fitting. We feel privileged you feel safe and relaxed enough to ask us."

I send them both a little smile and say, "Thank you for letting us do this. I am so grateful for everything you both have done, but especially for accepting me into your family."

I see a tear slip down Connie's cheek as she whispers, "Oh sweetie, you're like a daughter to me now. I am so happy you've allowed us to be a part of your life. I know it must have been difficult for you, but I'm thrilled you let us share it with you."

My own eyes fill with tears and I don't know how to deal with all of the emotions and thoughts. I could never have envisioned my life turning out like this. When I look back at the horrific path my life took after my parents died, I would never have believed I could have the life I have now. I would never have thought I would have deserved even a fraction of what I have. I'm still not fully convinced I deserve any of this, but I'm learning not to argue or fight it. Eli is trying to show me that I should have this life and I'm starting to think maybe I should have a little happiness after everything I've been through.

Eli pulls me close to him and runs his fingers through my hair. He knows that's how my momma used to comfort me. He whispers comforting words in my ear, but I couldn't tell you what he's saying. I only know that the sound of his voice and feeling his heart beating against me, is working to comfort me.

The feelings are overpowering my senses and it's draining me. As we sit in the living room with everyone else, they're all drinking coffee, but I have cinnamon tea instead. I'm not a huge coffee drinker, I certainly don't need anything else to make my brain even more active or to set my body more on edge.

We drop Beth to her house before going home ourselves. I spend some time in the shower, trying to sort out my thoughts. For once, I'm not second guessing my decision. I'm simply trying to filter through all of my thoughts and feelings. Not that simple if you ask me. Before Eli and before gaining his group of friends, the only emotions I really felt were fear and hurt. I still have a hard time processing other emotions. I'm better than I used to be, but I'm nowhere near where I want to be or where I should be. It's still a journey that I'm making and I'm thankful that I don't have to make it alone.

As I step out of the bathroom, Scar is waiting in the doorway for me and Eli is already in bed. He looks like he was dozing off, but my entrance to the room snapped him out of his tranquil state. I apologize for waking him and his lazy grin causes my stomach to do that weird flip flop and my heart to clench. He really is handsome and again, I'm shocked that I have someone in my life as special and amazing as him. Not only is he in my life, but he wants to share the rest of his life with me. That thought almost knocks me off my feet. I feel guilty for rewarding him with my fear and standoffish behavior. I know I'm not nearly as scared as I used to be, but I'm not at the level that's considered a normal, functioning relationship.

I whisper, "Don't grin at me like that, Eli..."

He smiles even brighter, as he questions, "Why not?"

I shrug, "Because it makes my stomach do that weird thing."

He chuckles and apologizes, but I know he's not really sorry at all.

"For the record, I love that my smile can make you feel that way. You doing ok?"

"Yes sir. You?"

"Definitely. You're my fiancee, how can I not be feeling awesome?"

This man is far too much. How can I compete with him? He's not ashamed or scared to show me how he feels and I envy him for that.

As I climb into bed, he asks, "What's that look for? You don't look like you're ok."

I frown. He knows me too well. He can read me too well and its difficult to keep anything hidden from him.

I whisper, "I envy you."

His eyebrows shoot so high, they nearly reach the top of his head. Well, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration, but you get my point.

"Why? I love you just the way you are..."

I let out a soft chuckle, "That's exactly why. You find it so easy to say what you think and feel. I wish I could do that."

"You don't need to say it for me to know. I pick up on the little things. Like the way you let me hold you close, or run my fingers through your hair, or the way you make breakfast for me in the mornings. Simple things show me how you feel, more than words ever could. I know you find it hard to express your thoughts and feelings. I also know you're much better than you used to be. Knowing that you're making all of this progress makes it all worthwhile. I can't make you be something you're not and I shouldn't make you say or do something you can't. That would be counter productive and it would be wrong of me."

I sigh, "How do you always know what to say?"

He shrugs, "I guess I just know what you need to hear. It helps that what I say is the way I feel. It does make it a lot easier to be able to tell you these things. We should get some sleep, sweetheart. It's been a long day."

The precinct is buzzing with activity when we arrive on Monday morning. When we stop at my desk, we see why there's so much activity. There's a banner hanging on the wall behind my desk, reading, 'Congratulations!'

Eli lets out a chuckle and I feel my cheeks heating up.

"I told them to keep it on the down low, it doesn't look like they listened, huh?"

"Apparently not."

Ash's voice interrupts us, "This is low key, guys. You have no idea what the rest of the team wanted to do. Let's just say it involved a lot of balloons, poppers and flashing lights. I had to squash those ideas."

Eli laughs and I say, "Thank you. That would have been embarrassing."

"They're happy for you guys. You can't blame them for wanting to congratulate you."

I whisper a truthful admission, "I guess I still find it strange, the concept of people taking an interest in our lives, or more specifically my life."

I glance up at Ash and Eli and I see a sad look pass over Ash's features. Eli keeps his look more guarded, but maybe that's because he knows I'll feel bad about admitting that if I see sadness in him.

Ash's voice is quiet when he speaks again, "I'm sorry you feel that way, darlin'. I'm hoping we're starting to change that, but I want you to know that we care about you. We're your friends. I want you to remember that."

"Thank you, Ash."

There's a seriousness in the atmosphere, which Ash tries to change by asking, "So, you have the all clear to drive then, LT?"

"Yeah. Everything is back to normal now. I'm starting full training this week, so watch out. I'll be back to my normal self in no time. Your wins will be a thing of the past, trust me."

I let out a chuckle at that. These two are so competitive, but they're good natured about it as well.

The day passes quickly because everything is so busy. Before I know it, Eli is standing in front of my desk asking me if I'm ready to leave.

I glance at the time and say, "Oh, I didn't realize the time. I'll just shut everything down. Have you checked in with the Captain?"

"Yes ma'am. We're good to go."

He calls Scar and when the dog appears at his feet, Eli bends down to give him a fuss. Scar's tail wags, but he keeps looking over at me every so often. I love that dog so much.

The journey to Sam's is pretty quiet, just the radio playing in the background. I recognize our surroundings, showing that we're almost at our destination.

Eli catches my attention and asks, "You ok?"

"Yeah, just thinking."

"Want to share your thoughts?"

I shake my head, "Just thinking about how different everything is now, that's all. Nothing bad, I promise."

He nods purposefully, "As long as you're happy, that's the main thing."

I send him a little smile and reply, "Yeah, I'm happier than I've ever been..."

He glances over at me to shoot me a huge grin. The sight of it makes my stomach have that weird feeling again. It shocks me every time, even now. I should be used to it, but I'm not. I don't think I'll ever get used to that feeling.

We pull up in the small parking lot outside of Sam's building. I let out a deep breath and squeeze my hands together. I'm always nervous for these sessions. I'm not nearly as bad as I used to be, but for someone who kept everything locked up for so long, I still find it difficult to verbalize my thoughts and share them with people. Sam doesn't just want to talk about the weather and what I ate for breakfast. Although she would listen to me if I spoke about that, she wants me to talk about my deep thoughts and feelings so she can help me to be better. That isn't an easy thing for me to do, even after all of this time.

Eli gets out of the car first and then he appears at my door, opening it for me so I can step out. He takes my hand gently and holds it in his. Scar jumps out and waits for me to take his leash. I could walk him anywhere without holding on to him, but I like the security holding his leash gives me.

Eli places a kiss on the back of my left hand, which causes the ring I'm wearing to glisten in the dimming light. The sight shocks me, and I almost don't believe it's on my hand. Eli gently tugs on my hand, so I look up at him.

He smirks, "It still gets me every time too. I'll never get tired of seeing that on your finger."

"It's taking a while to get used to."

"As long as you don't regret it, then that's ok with me."

"No, I don't."

"Good. Let's get this done so we can go home, huh?"

As we sit in Sam's office, she smiles brightly, "I hear congratulations are in order, guys. I'm so happy for you both."

We both thank her and then she spots the ring on my hand.

"Oh wow! May I see the ring?"

I hold my hand out, but she's careful not to touch me. I appreciate the gesture and I quietly say, "You can look closer, if you'd like."

She looks surprized at my words, but she cautiously leans closer to my hand to inspect the ring.

She murmurs, "It's beautiful. Very fitting. I am thrilled for you both, truly."

She asks how I've been and what has been happening, aside from the obvious news, that is. We spend half of the session talking about things that have been bothering me or what I've been struggling with. We work on my calming down techniques, which she says have improved greatly. Eventually, she asks Eli if he can wait outside so we can begin our private mini session.

A few minutes after Eli closes the door, Sam asks, "Did you speak to Eli? I hope you don't mind that I told him some of what we'd spoken about."

"No ma'am. It actually made it a bit easier. We did talk a little."

"Good. And how have you been doing? Especially with him being affectionate to you?"

I shrug and then tell her about the one kiss that didn't spark any bad memories.

She smiles, "That's really great to hear, Dani. I think you're learning to push the bad memories to the back, so you can focus on the present moment. That is wonderful news. I wasn't sure you'd get to this point so soon. You have made remarkable progress."

"Sam?"

"Yes?"

"Do you think you could give me a higher dose of medication? I'm not addicted, I promise. I just want to be able to get through this without having any panic attacks. There's so much to discuss and plan and I'm worried I'm not going to be able to cope with it."

"Why would you think you can't handle it?"

"I had a moment at Eli's parent's house when his sister mentioned the things we need to do and plan. Eli was there to bring me back, but if what his sister says is true, then I'm not sure I can get through it all. I mean, just the thought of trying dresses on fills me with dread. Do I even need to wear a dress? I have no idea how these things are supposed to be, and my mind is driving me crazy with all of the thoughts."

I don't tell her everything else that's going on in my mind. We've already discussed that topic and it only went round in circles. There's no point bringing it up because they are fears I have to deal with and work through. Sam can't really help with my fear of being intimate.

She frowns and looks at my notes, "You're almost at the top end of the recommended dose, Dani. I'm not sure I want to go much higher than that."

I almost beg, "Please. I don't need it forever. I just need it to get through until after the... wedding.... I want to start bringing it down after that. I want to see how I can cope without such a big dose. I don't want to do that while there are so many huge things to deal with. I've thought about it a lot, I promise. I just think it would be better to not have a melt down before then. Especially as I know what I'm like and I'll try to stop everything. That wouldn't be fair to Eli. I don't want to do that to him."

She thinks about it for a few minutes before saying, "If we do this, and I'm not saying I will allow it yet, but if we do then we have to set some rules in place. Will you at least consider some guidelines?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Right. Let's think about this then. If we were to go to the top dosage, then as soon as the wedding is done, we go back to the dose you're currently at. The next shot after that, I'd bring it down again. From then on, every shot would be reduced until we can find a comfortable dose for you. Obviously, we can't stop the drug completely, but we can find a dose considerably lower than you're currently on. How does that sound to you?"

"Yes ma'am. That sounds good to me."

"But the dose straight after the wedding would be less. I won't agree to keep it at the highest dose any longer than that. Ok?"

"I understand. Thank you."

I let out a truth, "I don't want to be on this forever. I just want to try to be normal. I want to stop punishing Eli and I want to stop the memories as much as I can. I'm tired, Sam. I'm tired of seeing and hearing everything that's going on in my mind. I want it to be erased so it can never come back."

"There are studies at the moment into electroconvulsive therapy. It's electroshock therapy..."

"I've heard of it. I was reading an article about it recently."

It was in the medical journal I was reading while Eli was on his way back from the prison transfer.

"I'm not surprized you've heard of it. It's in the very early stages, and it's something you'd have to consider very carefully. Inevitably, there will be side effects and there are no telling what those would be. It wouldn't be something I'd recommend, at least not for a long time. I'd want to know the research and testing are a bit more conclusive before I'd even consider that for you. But, it is something we can keep a watch on to see how the research goes. Maybe we can discuss it at a later date?"

"Ok. I'll keep doing my own research on it."

She chuckles, "I hope you know that your mind is an incredible thing. I know it has some awful memories to deal with, but it also has some amazing abilities too. Try not to get so caught up in the bad, that you forget the good parts."

I nod and smooth down Scar's fur. Sam gets the new dose of medication for me and I administer it myself. As I'm getting ready to leave, I take a deep breath and voice something I've been thinking about the whole session.

"Sam? I was wondering... Would you like... to come to the... wedding?"

She looks shocked at my request and I panic, thinking she won't want to be there.

I quickly say, "You don't have to if you don't want to... I just wondered if you would like to... Don't feel like you have to..."

"Dani, I would love to. I'm thrilled you asked me."

I let out a sigh of relief and nervousness.

"Thank you. It'll be only you and Beth as my friends."

I let out a sad breath.

"I'd be honored to be there. And I'm sure Beth and I can send enough love and well wishes for a whole group of people. We'll make up for it, I promise."

"Thank you."

She sees us out and we head home to make dinner. As we're cooking, I ask Eli, "Do you worry that something will happen to ruin all of this?"

He frowns in confusion and questions, "What do you mean?"

"Well, it's been quiet for a while now and I worry that something is going to happen to rip this out from underneath us. I haven't had happiness or good things in my life for so long; I'm scared that I'm not supposed to have this all. That someone or something will decide that I've had enough goodness and it'll be taken away from me."

"I try not to think about it, to be honest. We're as safe as we can be and I believe we're at no greater risk than anyone else in this city..."

I shoot him a disbelieving look and then my cheeks flush with embarrassment when I realize what I've done.

I whisper, "How can you think that? After everything that's happened, how can you think we're safe?"

He lets out a sigh and I know he wants to tell me something. He runs his fingers over his tattoo, which is usually a sign he's going to ask me something he believes will make me uncomfortable, he's worried about something or he's deep in thought. I've known something has been bothering him since before the prison transfer, but I didn't want to ask him about it. Sometimes his cases are things he can't discuss, even with me. I wait patiently, to see what's going to unfold.

I don't have to wait long, because he lets out another deep sigh before admitting, "I have to tell you something, but I don't want you to be mad at me for not telling you sooner. I didn't want to worry you, please remember that...."

My eyes widen and my hands start to shake. I have no idea what he's going to say, but it doesn't sound good. I place the knife that I'm holding down on the worktop. I don't want to run the risk of dropping it in shock or anything. Scar jumps out of his bed and is at my feet in a few seconds. He must sense the change in me, because he nudges my legs with his face, trying to get my attention.

I whisper to Eli, "You're scaring me, Eli."

"I'm sorry. You don't need to be scared, baby. It's nothing to worry about, I swear. It's done now. You know that prison transfer last week? The transfer was Ivankov... He was transferred back to Russia..."

I take in a sharp breath in shock. I don't know how to feel about this. What if he escapes from Russia and comes back for me; for us?

I feel a few tears trail down my face, but I don't make any move to wipe them away. In fact, I can't actually move. I'm rooted to the spot.

Eli whispers, "I'm sorry for keeping it from you. I didn't want you to worry, especially after the last encounter we had with his guys. He's gone, Dani. I got a call to tell me he was successfully received by the prison in Russia and that he's never getting out of there. They've got him under solitary confinement and they're taking his punishment very seriously. We don't have to worry about him..."

Feeling Eli wipe away my tears brings me out of my trance and I take an unsteady breath in.

"We don't?"

"Nope. Never again. The remaining people that were loyal to him we seem to have arrested. Even if there are a few we missed, they have no leader and no real following. They're not going to be interested in you or us. It's over, Dani. I told you I'd make it right for you. I promised, didn't I?"

I let out a sob and then another sob laced with a chuckle at his last words.

I manage to choke out, "You did promise. It's really over?"

"Yes baby, it is. We got them and that scumbag will never see the light of day again. He's done and he can't hurt you or anyone else ever again."

I feel a little bit lighter at this news. Knowing that he's no where near us, knowing he isn't even in the same country, is a big relief. It doesn't erase the bad memories, but it does help to lessen my worries that he'll come back and get us.

I stretch up and wrap my arms around Eli's neck. As my tears flow, I look into his eyes. Words aren't really forthcoming at the moment, so I simply say, "Thank you. Just.... thank you..."

He smiles brightly at me and then he whispers, "I believe that was your 'I love you' long before you could ever say it. We might not have realized it back then, but looking back at it, that's what I think. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner..."

I find my voice a bit more now, "It's ok. I understand. I would have been petrified if you'd have told me beforehand. It's really over, Eli?"

I can't actually believe it. I don't want to get my hopes up in case it's all taken away from me. But Eli's voice and his promise starts to filter through my doubts.

"Yes, it's all over, I promise. And I promise to never let anyone hurt you or take you away from me."

For once in my life, I don't allow myself to doubt his words or his promises. He fulfilled the biggest promise he could ever have made to me. He promised to find these people and make them pay and he did it. I never believed it would be possible, but he did it. He takes his promises seriously and I believe he will do whatever it takes to keep them.

I don't know what else to say, except, "Thank you."

"I also promise to love you for the rest of my life; to make you feel beautiful, special and amazing, even when you don't believe it yourself..."

I take in a sharp breath at his admission and on my exhale, I whisper, "I love you, Eli."

"I love you too, baby."