Chapter One Hundred Thirty-Three

Eli's P.O.V.

The last six months have been a whole load of crazy wrapped up in a ball of busy. Dani has been so very different since the day I told her Ivankov was gone. The change in her has been remarkable. It's almost like hearing he can't get her again has taken a burden off her and has allowed her to be a bit more free.

Dani is a lot more affectionate with me and she even sometimes instigates the contact. She still struggles with the memories but she's finding ways to push them aside when we're having our moments. We've even had some heavy make out sessions, making me feel like I'm a teenager in High School again.

This woman drives me crazy in all the right kinds of ways. I'm managing to control myself, but I'm not going to lie and say it's easy. I keep my control for Dani's sake and for the sake of our relationship. I know that losing that control will ruin everything we've worked so hard for.

Dani has officially been promoted to our operations advisor. She still does the threat analysis, but she also runs technical support for our operations from the precinct. She's amazing at the job and I think her confidence has increased because of it. She's not as confident as she could be or I'd like her to be, but she's a far cry from the scared girl I first met.

So much has changed in the last few years and I'm proud and privileged to have been a part of the process. She truly is an amazing woman and I love her more now than I ever did, if that's even possible.

It's Sunday morning and I'm laying in bed, with Dani curled against my side. She's still fast asleep, so I allow my mind to wander back to last night. I can't help the stupid grin from forming on my face. I feel the smile change my whole face because it's so wide.

Last night was, hands down, the most amazing night of my entire life. Dani finally gave herself to me completely. There was no warning or planning involved, which made it surprizing and even more amazing.

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Dani's settled in bed for the night, so I quickly grab a shower. As I settle in beside Dani, I place a kiss on the top of her head. She looks deep in thought, so I ask, "Everything ok?"

"I'd like to try."

I frown, "Try what, baby?"

"Try... you know..."

My eyes nearly fall out of my head and I my whole body goes rigid. Is she saying what I think she's saying? Judging by the look on her face, she is.

"Babe, if you're not ready to say it, then I really don't think you're ready for this. I can wait, Dani. I already told you that. I'm ok with waiting..."

"No, I want to try. I don't want to make it difficult for you any more. I want you to know how much I trust you and I want you to show me it can be different. I want to try..."

We've tried to push the boundaries before, but we've never been able to get that far. The most I've been I've been able to do is let my hands roam.

I try to look her in the eye, but she's averting her gaze. I can see the red flush on her cheeks. She's so embarrassed right now.

"Dani, look at me, please? I don't want you to think you have to do this. I know you trust me, you don't have to sleep with me for me to know that..."

She frowns and I know exactly what thought is running through her head. She thinks I don't want her.

I let out a groan, "I want you more than you can possibly imagine, baby. Believe me. I just want to be sure that's what you want too. I don't want to scare you or ruin what we have right now."

She whispers, "I still want to try... I'm not promising it'll all work out, but I want to try..."

"Ok. You promise to tell me to stop at any time, right?"

She nods, while biting her bottom lip. That is doing nothing to help the situation.

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I showed Dani how different it could be. There were times when I had to stop, bring her attention back to me and help her fight the memories. I kissed every single one of her scars, paying particular attention to where Babkin carved his initials and her tattoos. I let her know just how beautiful she is. I told her how perfect she is to me and that nothing felt more right in my whole life.

She wasn't completely comfortable, but together we got through it. The fact that she's still asleep and has been since we finally fell drifted off in the early hours of the morning, proves to me that it didn't spark any terrible nightmares for her. She was restless a bit in the night, but she didn't wake up screaming or anything. Now that we've done it once, I can't promise I'll have the same restraint as before. Dani is like a drug to me and the more I get of her, the more I want.

Dani stirring in my arms snaps me out of my thoughts. As she looks up at me through hooded eyes, I smile down at her. She is the most beautiful person I have ever met.

I whisper, "Hey. How you doing?"

She bites her lip and I have to resist the urge to kiss her.

She closes her eyes and quietly asks, "Did we really do that?"

"Yes sweetheart, we did. Do you regret it?"

"I don't think so. Just a bit much to process... I can't believe I did that..."

I place a kiss on the top of her head and whisper, "We did. Was it too much for you? I'm sorry if I scared you in any way..."

"No sir. You were very... careful... Thank you..."

I pull her close to me and whisper in her ear, "That was the most incredible night of my life. I love you so much, you know that, right?"

She nods, "I love you too... I'm sorry about my scars, Eli. I know they're not attractive..."

"They are a part of you. I think you're beautiful and amazing just the way you are. I've learned to love every part of you. Trust me, after last night, I love every single part of you. You are the most incredible woman I've ever known and ever will know."

Her voice is small and quiet, but I don't think she's frightened. I think she's just having a hard time processing everything.

"Thank you.... Can I... shower?"

"Of course."

I knew she would ask that. I'm sure she's battling with an internal struggle and showering is one way she processes. I'm not offended by this. I know she doesn't mean it that way. She would never offend anyone intentionally.

She grabs the sheet and wraps it around herself before heading to the bathroom. I can't help but let my eyes scan over her, remembering everything from last night. Man, there really is no hope for me. I'm completely whipped.

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Dani's P.O.V.

I turn the water on to the hottest and stand under the jets. I have mixed feelings about last night. I managed to get through it, more than that, I didn't have a complete melt down. I had moments of panic, but Eli worked through them with me. He helped me to see it was him, nobody else, and he wasn't going to hurt me. He asked me to look into his eyes, so I knew it was him with me and not any of those monsters. The thoughts make me blush and I'm completely alone.

My mind drifts back to thoughts of last night:

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Eli is in the shower and I'm laying in bed. I've been doing a lot of thinking the last few months; way more thinking than usual. The higher dose of medication has settled into my system and I'm not panicking as much as I used to. Sometimes I feel the familiar sense of panic, but I'm definitely finding it easier to calm myself down or stop an attack before it even happens.

I have been more affectionate with Eli and I've been allowing him to push the boundaries as much as I can handle. It hasn't been an easy thing to deal with, but I'm determined to make this work. I don't want to keep punishing Eli for being patient and for being a good man. I also don't want to live in constant fear of what his affection might make me remember. I've had a taste of not being so frightened and I want that to be how I feel most, if not all, of the time.

Eli climbing into bed snaps me out of my thoughts. He places a kiss on the top of my head and asks, "Everything ok?"

"I'd like to try."

"Try what, baby?"

"Try... you know..."

Eli is totally silent for at least a few seconds. I'm too nervous and insecure to actually look at him right now.

Eventually he breaks the unbearable silence, "Babe, if you're not ready to say it, then I really don't think you're ready for this. I can wait, Dani. I already told you that. I'm ok with waiting..."

How can I keep making him wait? How is that fair? But I can't really tell him that because he'll think I'm being pressured into this. Of course I don't want to punish him any more. I don't want him to eventually resent me because I can't be intimate with him. I also want to do this for myself. I need to know if I can actually get passed this. I need to know if I can ever truly move on from the awful things they did to me. If I can't, then how can I marry him? How can I allow Eli to be tied to me if I can't fulfil the most basic of his needs.

I take a deeb breath, "No, I want to try. I don't want to make it difficult for you any more. I want you to know how much I trust you and I want you to show me it can be different. I want to try..."

This is going to be very different to everything we've ever done. At this stage in my life I'm nowhere near innocent and inexperienced and that is the problem. I've got too much experience with horrific memories. Part of me wants to know it can be different, but the other part of me is petrified of the memories and the feelings. The feeling of people on me and inside of me. Feelings that I'm not sure will ever go away.

Eli's voice is soft when he speaks next, "Dani, look at me, please? I don't want you to think you have to do this. I know you trust me, you don't have to sleep with me for me to know that..."

I frown and I feel a pain in my heart. Maybe he can't get past how dirty I am. Maybe he's so patient because he's not really bothered about being with me. Maybe he likes the emotional attachment and the fact that I need him to survive.

Eli lets out a groan from somewhere deep inside of him, snapping me back into reality, "I want you more than you can possibly imagine, baby. Believe me. I just want to be sure that's what you want too. I don't want to scare you or ruin what we have right now."

I let out a deep, shaky breath and whisper, "I still want to try... I'm not promising it'll all work out, but I want to try..."

"Ok. You promise to tell me to stop at any time, right?"

I bite my bottom lip and nod ever so slightly.

Eli rests his forehead against mine and runs his fingers through my hair. He whispers, "Hey, I'm right here. It's just me. No one else is here and no one is going to hurt you. I promise you that. Ok?"

"Ok."

I can hear the nervousness in my own voice and I try to have some confidence. I don't want Eli to think I'm not serious about trying to win this battle and overcome this fear.

He kisses me gently, but I can feel his emotion in the gesture. If I can't go through with this then he will be extremely disappointed. There will be a point where he probably won't be able to stop himself. That scares me. That moment when I know there's no turning back. I would have had no choice in the matter before and I don't want it to be like that with Eli. I don't want to just make myself do this because I think I can't say no more.

As he trails kisses down my neck, I gasp and dig my fingers into his shoulders. I feel his words against my neck when he speaks.

"Hey, look at me. It's me. No one else."

He's watching me closely with his eyes raised to the top of his head. He hasn't moved his lips from my neck, but he continues talking, "Keep your eyes on me the whole time, baby. If you do that, then you'll know it's me. I promise to take care of you..."

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I don't necessarily regret last night, but I'm not completely comfortable with it either. Maybe it's just because it's an experience I have only bad memories linked with that particular act. Eli tried his utmost to make me feel loved and comfortable, but the problem lies with me, not him. He did make it feel different and I didn't feel unloved or worried that he'd hurt me. I don't think that at all. I know he loves me and that he would everything in his power to take care of me.

That higher dose of medication has really helped the last few months. Without it, I don't think I'd have managed to get through last night. I want to be normal. I want to be able to give Eli everything a normal woman would. Now that I've been able to do that, maybe it won't be so difficult to let him love me properly. That's what I'm hoping anyway.

As I exit the bathroom, Eli is just getting out of bed. He smiles at me and heads in my direction. He kisses me quickly and whispers, "Morning. You ok?"

"I think so..."

"You're sore, huh?"

I feel heat flood my face. How does he do that?

"If you wait for me to shower quickly, then I'll make breakfast for you. You can sit and relax."

Before I can stop myself, I say, "It's ok. I've had worse..."

I see a sadness cross his face and a darkness in his eyes. I didn't actually mean to say that out loud and I tell him that.

"I hate thinking about what they put you through. No one should have to endure that. I'm so sorry for what they did. Babe? Last night, it wasn't like those times, was it?"

He sounds scared and vulnerable. Something I've never seen or heard from him.

I quickly quell his fears, "Oh! No! Nothing like that. It's just taking me a little while to get my head around it."

He lets out a long sigh, "Good. I was scared there for a minute. Thank you for trusting me, Dani."

I don't have an answer to that, so I simply nod. I feel awkward and self-conscious. I know I probably shouldn't, but that's how I am. It's how my brain is wired now. I'm scared about what this means now. Does it mean that Eli expects that any time he wants? Does he expect to be able to be more affectionate with me without warning? I have no idea how this changes things and I'm second guessing my decision.

Eli's voice snaps me out of my thoughts, "Hey, what's going on in there? What are you thinking? Please don't tell me you're regretting it, because I can't take it back now..."

I shake my head, "No, not that..."

"Then what?"

I think of how to verbalize my thoughts without upsetting him.

Instead of telling him, I ask, "What does this mean now?"

"What do you mean? Nothing changes. We had an amazing night, but that doesn't mean I expect anything different of you. If and when you're comfortable, we'll do it again. We'll do whatever you are comfortable with. I'm never going to pressure you to do anything."

I let out a deep sigh of relief, "I'm sorry, Eli. Just... It might take me some more time..."

"Hey, I waited this long and the result was mind blowing. I think I can wait until you're ready again. You ok now?"

"Maybe not ok, but not as worried as I was. Thank you for caring, Eli. And for being patient."

"No need to thank me. I love you, so I'll do whatever you need me to."

He winks at me, as he walks to the bathroom. As I wait for him, I strip the bed and add the bedclothes to the laundry basket. I'll wash those this morning. I try not to overthink everything while I wait for Eli. I might have to talk to Sam tomorrow about my thoughts, or they might just drive me crazy.

When I sit in Sam's office for my mini session, I reflect back on yesterday. Eli was so caring throughout the day. The air surrounding us changed and he seemed to be a lot more free and relaxed. I also caught him staring at me randomly through the day. I even caught him blushing a few times, but I didn't comment on it. I knew I wouldn't like it if someone commented on my blushing or embarrassment. Eli had never been like this and it made a funny feeling pool in my stomach, knowing I'm the reason he has changed.

We didn't go to his parent's house for dinner. Eli told me he wanted to spend the day with me, but I think it might also have had something to do with the fact that he couldn't seem to control himself. His guard was completely down and it was like I was really seeing him for the first time. He's shown me glimpses of himself, but it's like I was seeing the real him for the first time. Maybe it's because something in me has changed too.

Sam clears her throat, snapping me out of my thoughts.

I flush red and apologize for zoning out.

She smiles, "Is everything ok, Dani? You seem a little preoccupied."

I blush again and clear my throat. I don't know how I'm going to voice this. Maybe I don't need to, but somehow I feel like my thoughts are going to drive me crazy. I look down at Scar and play with his ears to distract me and also to try and get some courage from him.

I stutter, "Eli and I, erm... we.... you know..."

She lets out a prolonged, "Oh...."

Then she continues, "Really? Wow. And how do you feel about that?"

I shrug, "I don't know."

"Well, let's try to break it down. What are you unsure about? Do you regret it?"

I shake my head. I still haven't been able to look at her. I'm very embarrassed about this whole thing.

"No, I don't think so."

"Well, that's a good start. Do you feel like Eli was the same as those people?"

"Oh, no ma'am!"

"Good. So why do you think you unsure about the way you feel about it?"

I run my fingers through Scar's fur and whisper, "I don't know. I guess I feel like I've betrayed myself in some way. I love Eli, I know this. And I believe he loves me. I trust him as much as I can trust anyone. I probably trust him more than myself most of the time. I guess I'm just scared about what this means moving forward."

"Have you spoken to Eli about it?"

"Yes ma'am."

"And how did that go?"

"He told me it doesn't change anything. That he'll wait until I'm ready for anything else. He's been so understanding and I feel terrible for dangling this in front of him and then snatching it away. I feel like I'm always punishing him for a crime he didn't commit or have any knowledge of. I know he'd tell me that I shouldn't feel that way, but I can't help it. I still feel like I'm not good enough for him. I'm a mess and I'm barely functional in every day life. How can I possibly be good enough for him?"

"Don't you think that's up to him to decide? Surely, if he's chosen to be with you; if he's chosen to marry you, don't you think he believes you're good enough for him? Don't you think you're trying to tell him what he should think and do? I know you are insecure about yourself, but you really have no reason to be. You aren't a bad person. You didn't even make the bad choices. They were forced upon you. You had no choice or say in the matter. You let them win if you believe it was your fault or your choice. I know you can't escape the memories, but you do have the choice to let them ruin your future. You can choose to believe what they made you think or you can see them for what they really are. They are disgusting monsters, there is no doubt about that, so why would you believe what they made you believe you are? Why would you take their opinion over Eli's, when Eli loves you and they clearly didn't?"

I shrug. It's not necessarily a choice. It's something that is in the back of my mind and it's not so easy to change that.

She sighs, "I know it's not as easy as that. If it were, then my job would be pretty much extinct. You might not have the ability to remove or change the memories, but you do have the ability to make conscious choices to change you mindset and your way of thinking. You have someone who truly loves you; the kind of love that people search a whole lifetime for. Don't let them ruin that for you. Don't let them take any more control of your mind and life. Not when you have a choice to stop it. I know we will have to put the work in to change your thinking, but you've worked so hard to get this far. Your progress has been astonishing. Don't let anyone take that away from you or ruin it for you. Ok?"

I work up the courage to look up at her and I whisper, "Yes ma'am. I know I struggle with that. I guess it's easier to believe the bad things rather than the good things. Especially when I think of all the terrible things I have done. I have to work on that."

"Yes, but you don't have to do it alone. You have Eli and you have me. You have a group of friends that love you and you have Eli's family. You can do this. You can get through this. You've got through the hardest part. You've got this."

I nod, "Thank you."





Author's Note:

Ok, so I'm really nevous for this chapter. I didn't want to put a full sex scene in it becuase I didn't think that was in keeping with the story or Dani's character. Let me know what you think. If you have any constructive criticism, then I'd be glad to hear it.