Chapter Eighteen



Eli and I are up at 5am for work on Monday. We're both very tired. The weekend had very long and disturbed nights. As I look at Eli, I feel sorry for him. I'm used to long nights and no sleep, but Eli isn't quite so used to them. As he drinks his big mug of coffee, I whisper, “I'm sorry, Eli.”

“Sorry? What for?”

“That you don't get much sleep, that I keep waking you up, everything.”

He smiles and says, “No need to apologize, sweetheart. I'm only too glad to help. That's what I stay for. If I wanted sleep, then I'd go home. Although, I probably wouldn't sleep anyways. I'd just lie in bed wondering if you were ok.”

“Thank you.”

“We have that raid tonight, so I'll be back late. You going to come straight home?”

“I don't know. The Captain will probably have me monitoring the satellite or something. I didn't exactly complete my job on Friday.”

“Unforeseeable circumstances. It'll be better today. He's not allowed in the building until the Cap has cleared him for duty. Once we get to the bottom of this, then we'll decide what to do.”

And at that moment I was glad I hadn't told Eli before and that he'd found out for himself. Now I didn't have to worry about him believing me; he'd seen it for himself so there was no question what had happened.

As we step onto our floor, something feels eerie about the place. Maybe it's the fact that I know Cain isn't going to be there, that his presence isn't looming over me. Maybe it's the fact that the guys don't know what's going on, but they all know Cain has been suspended. No one asks about it, they seem to know better than to question the decision. Maybe they knew something was going on with him, but they didn't know what it was. I suppose it doesn't really matter. Before I can even sit at my desk, the Cap buzzes my intercom and asks to see me.

As I step into his office, he asks, “How are you?”

“I'm ok, sir. Thank you.”

“Good. I spoke to Eli last night. I'm sorry no one saw what was going on.”

“It's not your fault, sir.”

“Ultimately he's my responsibility, I should have noticed he wasn't fit for duty. You really think he's on drugs?”

“He displays all the typical signs, sir.”

“His urine sample and hair samples are being processed. It'll be a few days before we know the results though. What I want to know is, do you want to make this public? Do you want to press charges?”

“Oh! No sir, no way!”

“Are you sure about that? As a cop, I have to advise you that you should press charges...”

“No sir, I don't want to do that. He needs help, sir.”

“Ok. So we need to come up with something that makes you feel comfortable, but also lets him know he's wrong.”

“He just needs help, sir.”

“Dani, you can't look at it like that. He needs to be punished; you can't just let him get away with treating you that way.”

“I don't want any trouble sir.”

“It's not trouble, Dani. You have the right to feel safe in your work place. Cain took that away from you and he needs to know it's not acceptable. You think about what you want to do and let me know, ok?”

“Yes sir. What would you like me to do today?”

“Could you monitor the drug house please? There's also a stack of files on your desk.”

“Yes sir.”

I get stuck into my work and don't even notice the time fly by. Eli and Ash appear at my desk some time later. Ash asks, “You going home any time soon, Dani?”

“Home?”

“Yeah. It's 7pm.”

“It is?”

They both chuckle and Eli says, “Working hard? Did you even eat today?”

I feel my cheeks heat up.

“It's a good job I brought something for you then, isn't it? Ash and I went to Subway, so I picked something up for you too.”

“Thank you, sir.”

I tried to make an effort at conversation, “You guys nervous about tonight?”

Ash shrugs it off, saying, “Nah, quite looking forward to it actually.”

Eli shoots me a reassuring smile and says, “I'll be glad when everyone is back safely. Team leader is a big responsibility.”

“I hope you're all back safely too.”

“Are you going home, then?”

“I guess so, if the Captain has nothing else for me to do.”

“I'll call you when we get back here if you've gone.”

“Thank you, sir.”

They go to the briefing room and I'm left wondering whether or not I should go home. I want to make sure the guys get back safely, but there's nothing I can really do for them. It's not like they need surveillance or anything. It's a standard raid, not really something that requires my line of expertise. I don't know how the guys aren't scared. I mean, they're bursting into a known drug house, where there will be automatic weapons and people who would rather die than be caught.

I sigh and think, 'Dani, you can't think about this. It's going to drive you crazy. Just go home and make dinner. Get your mind off this.'

I go to the Captain's office and tell him I'm going home. I hesitate at the door on the way out and then I say, “Sir, if you need me to do anything for the team, just ask.”

“Thanks Dani, I'll call you if I need to. Good night.”

“Night sir.”



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Eli's POV)

Dani looks troubled about something. I can't ask her about it because Ash is hanging around. I'll call her later to discuss it. Maybe I'll head round to her house after the raid. Hopefully everything will run smoothly and we won't be back too late.

I run through the strategy for the raid with the guys. Pointing out all the entrances and exits. I warn them that these guys are known for heavy duty weapons and some of them are wanted in murder cases. I tell them all to be extra careful and to keep a close eye out for the rest of their team. As I'm finishing up, I decide I have to mention something about Cain.

“You guys will notice Cain isn't here. He's been informally suspended until further notice. He's got some issues he has to work through right now, so he won't be back until he's cleared for duty by myself, the Cap and the department shrink. I'll pull in someone from Bravo team if I think we need an extra member. We'll see how it goes. Alright, go suit up. We leave in 25 minutes.”

As I'm gathering up all my intel, the Cap appears in the doorway. “Is everyone all set?”

“Yes sir. I briefly mentioned that Cain wouldn't be around. I just said he has some issues to work through and he won't be back until we clear him for duty.”

“I wanted to talk to you about that. I spoke to Dani this morning. I advised her to press charges, but she doesn't want to. I was wondering if you could have a word with her; go through her options and see what she's most comfortable with.”

“Yeah, sure. I'll speak to her tonight probably. I'll mention it and see what she says. The local precinct will meet us on the ground, yeah?”

“Yeah. It has to be complete radio silence until you get there, so everything has been planned to a tight schedule.”

“Yeah, I got the schedule. We're heading out in 20, so I better get suited up. Did Dani go home?”

“Yeah, I don't need her here for this.”

“Good. I'll see you in a while, Cap.”

We've merged Alpha and Bravo teams together for this one, so I've got a lot of guys to watch out for. Ash and some of the Bravo team will be on the roof tops, as snipers just in case we need them. We're expecting the worst, so we've tried to cover every angle. This drug ring are known to be particularly brutal and I'll be glad when it's all over. I just need to ensure that the teams are safe.

Maintaining radio silence and making sure that everyone is in the correct positions makes the job so much more difficult. Especially when you have to watch out for automatic guns. The place is relatively well guarded, I imagine they either have a new shipment coming in soon or they've just had one. My guys fan out and surround the entrances and exits. I even have guys at the windows, just in case they're used as exits.

The next 20 minutes are a blur of shouting, guns firing, scrambling to get rid of evidence and just chaos. Once we've secured the building and made all the arrests, our guys are pretty much finished their duties. We hang about just to make sure everyone is taken away and that there's no one left hiding anywhere. Once the local Police Department and the crime scene guys are on scene then we all ship out of there and head back to head quarters. It's nearly 9:30pm when we get back into the office. The Cap is still there and I quickly debrief him before he leaves. I have to fill in paper work and make sure all the gear is locked away properly before I can leave. I debrief the guys and let them go before I check the gear and sit to fill out the paperwork.

I call Dani when I'm on my way out of the building. “Hey sweetheart. Did I wake you?”

“No sir. I'm glad to hear your voice.”

“Can I come over or is it too late?”

“No sir, it's fine. I made you dinner.”

“Oooo, what did you make?”

I chuckle a little when I hear a tiny smile in her voice as she says, “Chilli, with extra peppers.”

“Yay! I'm on my way. I'll probably be about 10 minutes.”

“Ok, see you soon.”

As I hang up I can't help but think on how much progress Dani has made. Despite how angry I am with Cain, the way he treated Dani has caused her to trust me a little bit more. She's way more open with me now, and that point may have taken a long time to get to if he hadn't been so nasty to her. I know that probably sounds heartless and quite mean, but I don't mean it like that. I'm just trying to make the best of a bad situation, and stop myself from wanting to kill Cain.

I knock on Dani's door, and try to release all the tension and negative thoughts from my head. I still have to figure out what to say to her regarding the whole Cain incident.

I smile as she opens the door and I can smell the chilli straight away. “Good grief, that smells inviting. I didn't realize how hungry I was until that smell greeted me.”

She smiles a tiny bit at me and moves out of the way so I can step inside. Dani sets dinner out for me and has herbal tea as I eat. “Did you eat earlier?”

“Yes sir. How was the raid?”

“Good. Everything went pretty smoothly. A couple of the drug dealers went down, but none of our guys were hurt.”

“Good.”

I put my fork down and I turn serious. “Dani, we need to talk about Cain...”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(END of Eli's POV)



I retract and tense up. I don't want to talk about him.

“The Cap asked me to talk to you about your options.”

“Can't you just help him?”

“We will help him, but what he did was wrong. What kind of cops would we be if we didn't clean our own house? We need to give out justice inside our walls as well as outside. Do you think you'll feel safe and comfortable if he comes back?”

I stay silent, knowing I won't feel safe or comfortable. But that's nothing new, is it? Eli is right though. I'll feel even more on edge; I'll always be wondering if or when it's going to happen again. I just don't want anyone to know; I don't want Cain to know I made a big deal out of it.

“What are you thinking, Dani? Talk to me.”

I sigh and voice my thoughts, “I don't want anyone to know about it. I don't want Cain to blame me any more than he already does....”

“Why does he blame you?”

“He thinks I changed his shooting stats.”

“He's crazy.”

“No, he's on drugs.”

“Did the results come back?”

That's such a cop thing to say, innocent until proven guilty and all that.

“No, not yet. But I know it. I spent 10 years of my life strung out; I know what it looks like.”

“It wasn't your fault he couldn't shoot properly. None of this is your fault.”

“He doesn't see it that way. I don't want any trouble, Eli.”

“So, we need to come to a solution. He can't just walk away from this and I can't have you feeling unsafe at work. So...?”

“I don't want him to lose his job. That'll just make things worse.”

“Why are you so bent on making this easy for him? He hurt you and you're trying to help him?”

I see anger in his eyes and I'm frightened. I don't know what he's going to do, so I take a few steps back and try to make myself small and inferior. Something changes in Eli's demeanor and he whispers, “I'm sorry, sweetheart. I didn't mean to scare you. I'm just angry with him. He's made you more scared, he's hurt you and I just want to fix that. All the while, you just want to help him.”

I take a leap of faith and reveal a truth, “Because no one helped me. People saw what happened; people knew what went on, but no one helped. I am just as bad as them if I don't try to help Cain.”

“No way, you're not just as bad. Not even close. He will get the help he needs, there's no doubt about that. But he does need to take responsibility for his actions. If you don't do something about it, then you will be the one who is punished. That isn't right. Let me think for a few minutes.”

Everything is silent for a few minutes and then Eli says, “Ok, so I can swap him out for someone on Bravo team. That will reduce the risk of you seeing him, but you'll probably cross paths at some point. Or, I can relocate him to another precinct. Personally, I think that's a better option. Especially as it will mean I won't have to see or deal with him. And if Ash finds out what went down, then that's a whole other thing I'm going to have to worry about.”

“I don't know.”

“Take the drugs out of it; look at it outside of your personal experience. Now, what do you think you should do?”

I dejectedly say, “Relocate him.”

“Ok. You're a good person, Dani. Anyone else would have got him fired.”

“That isn't going to help him. He'll spiral out of control and then it'll get very messy. Trust me.”

“I do trust you, sweetheart. More than you know. I'll talk to the Captain in the morning. Dani?”

“Yes sir?”

“Do you ever get tempted? You know, to go back to drugs?”

At first I don't reply. I don't know how best to respond to the question. So I answer as honestly as I can, “Sometimes. When the noise in my head gets too much, yeah I do.”

“Does it get weaker?”

“Honestly? No, it doesn't. Unfortunately I can't turn my brain off; I can't unsee what I've seen. I just have to remember how hard is was after I got out of there. That usually stops me from doing anything stupid.”

“Your memories haven't faded even in the slightest?”

“No sir. The joys of a photographic memory.”

“Wow. I'm sorry. I thought it was just reading things you remembered.”

“No sir. Anything I've read or seen can't be unseen.”

“Wow. That's amazing and tragic at the same time. Is that why the nightmares are so bad?”

I nod, not wanting to talk about them.

“Will you ever tell me about them?”

I shake my head and whisper, “You don't need to know the details, believe me. I don't want to know them and I was there...”

“What if me knowing helps you?”

“I don't want you to know; I don't want you to look at me differently. I don't want you to realize who or what I really am and hate me. I don't want you to leave just yet...”

“What do you mean, just yet? I'm not going anywhere.”

I nod and mumble, “When you see how dirty and broken I really am, then you'll leave. No one wants to be around that.”

“Dani, you're not dirty and you only think you're broken right now. You just need to heal. You need someone to help you heal. I'm sticking around to be that person. I've been catching glimpses of the person you are underneath all of this baggage and she is amazing. I want you to realize who she is and let her grow. I don't want your past or your fear to ruin the rest of your life. It doesn't have to be that way. I know you don't think so right now, but it will get easier; it will get better.”

I stare at the floor, not wanting to look at Eli. I know that I'll see hope in his eyes. Hope that would be shattered if he only knew how damaged I am. If he only knew what scars I carried, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I can't bring myself to shatter his hopes, so I just let my tears fall. How can someone be so sweet? It can't be real, can it? Surely it's all an act, right?

I hear Eli whisper, “Shhhh, Dani, don't cry. Please don't cry.”

Eli appears in front of me and I try to back away, but he reaches for my hand and says, “Shhh, please don't be scared. I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to comfort you. Let me comfort you...”

He slowly pulls me in for a loose hug, and all I can think is, 'Please no, please don't hurt me... He's touching me, he's touching me!'

My head is screaming all manner of things at me, but somehow Eli's voice breaks through the fog and I hear him whisper, “Deep breaths, Dani. Just take deep breaths. I'm not going to hurt you, I promise. Just try to relax. I won't even move my hands any more. Just hang on to me and let it all out...”

That opened the flood tide and I just burst into tears. Not the body wracking sobs out of fear, but tears of regret, tears of a broken heart and a broken body. Tears because of the life I know I'll never have and for all the things I've lost. Things that cannot be put into words and the only way you can express them is through the droplets of salt water that are expelled from your eyes. Eli kept true to his word and he didn't move. He just stood there, holding me, letting me cry my heart out as I cling to him like he is my life line. And at that moment I recognize that I can't actually live without this man. Despite all of my attempts to keep myself safe; to keep Eli out of my life, he has wriggled his way inside of my heart and losing him now would break me just as much as him hurting me would. If I push him away now, it will hurt just as much. So I resign myself to the fact that I need Eli; I can't live without him. I may not trust him, but I need him.





A/N: Awwww, I love Dani and Eli moments. Hope you guys liked it. Vote/Comment and let me know what you think. I have to give a shout out to Lil_Alz. You have been an amazing encouragement. Thank you sooooo much! :D