Chapter Nineteen

It's been 2 weeks since Cain was suspended. Eli told me he's in rehab; and once he's cleared for duty he will be transferred to the 13th Precinct. It's quite a ways from our precinct, so I shouldn't run into Cain at all. Eli and I have got into a routine at my house. We get home from work, make dinner and then chill out for a bit before he either goes home for the night or he sleeps in my spare room. He stays depending on how bad my day has been or how I'm feeling at the time. He has been amazingly sweet, and even my jaded mind has to admit it's very endearing.

I am helping Eli cook dinner at my house; we're making enchiladas. Eli gives me enough space as he walks and works around me. It's nice to not have to worry that someone could be trying to touch me or coming too close. It's nice not to have to be so on my guard all the time.

As we cook, Eli says, “The Cap spoke to Cain today... He seems to be doing better.”

I nod, not really having anything to say.

“It was his prescription meds, you know? Oxycodone.”

I nod again.

Eli puts his knife down and watches me before saying, “What? What's going on in your head, Dani?”

“Not much.”

He chuckles, “I find that hard to believe. There's always something going on in your head. You're far too clever for that. What's on your mind?”

“I was just remembering how difficult it was. He's got a long road ahead of him.”

“I know. Will he ever be able to take meds again? I mean, people in our line of work get shot; it happens, but if we can't take pain relief that would really suck.”

I shrug, “It depends.”

“Depends on what?”

“Him. Everyone is different. Everyone deals with things differently. There is pain medication out there that is less likely to cause a relapse, but there's always that possibility. I don't know.”

“But you can't take any other meds?”

I shake my head.

“How come?”

“Slippery slope for me. Too easy to relapse.”

“If you don't mind me asking, what were you addicted to?”

I let out a small, bitter chuckle as I said, “What wasn't I addicted to? I took pretty much everything.”

“They gave you lots of different drugs?”

“Not so much. Mostly Heroin, Amphetamine, Ketamine stuff like that.”

“So how did you take so much other stuff?”

I sigh, not sure I'm ready to reveal so much of my disgusting truth and my bad judgement. Eli looks hopeful and I don't know if I can ruin that for him. I take a deep breath and briefly shut my eyes before saying, “I was in a bad way after I got out. I didn't want anyone to find me, so I couldn't approach anyone for drugs, so I just took anything and everything I could get my hands on.... I'm not proud of it and I don't even know how I'm still alive. Honestly? I should have died a long time ago....”

“No. Don't say stuff like that. You're alive for a reason. You deserve a good life more than anyone else I know. Where did you go after you got out?”

“A hostel. I pretty much stayed holed up there.”

“How did you get out of there? I mean no offense, but you weren't so good with people when I met you so how did you manage to get from a hostel to here?”

He waves his hands around gesturing to my apartment. I drop my head and whisper, “I can't tell you that.” There was no way I could tell him about that. I'd definitely lose my job. They couldn't have someone like me working for the police if they knew.

“Ok, fair enough. You've got to trust me a bit more; I get that.”

He's silent for a little while and I hold my breath praying that he won't question me any further. I don't want to make him angry by refusing to answer, but I really don't want to reveal anymore.

Eli looks me square in the eyes and I wilt under his stare. I can see how he'd be good at interrogation; he'd make anyone give up information. I can't keep looking at him, so I stare at the floor as he says, “Dani, if you ever feel the need to go back to drugs, you need to call me. I don't care where I am, what I'm doing or what time it is. You have to promise that you'll call me. You promise?”

I hesitate and I don't know if it's because I'm touched that he feels so passionately about it or if I feel annoyed because part of my subconscious wants to go back to drugs and not get caught. I don't really know which one, but I eventually say, “I promise.”

“Thank you. I don't even want to think about losing you now.”

What can I say to that? I can't come up with a response to a statement like that. For one thing, I can't help but think it's a lie; that it's only a matter of time before he figures out how broken and damaged I am. Then he'll high tail it out of there before I can even blink. Then I think there's no way a man can act like that without an ulterior motive, which leads me to question what Eli's motives are. That internal battle is happening again and because of it, I am silent all through dinner. Half of me doesn't want to question Eli's motives. That half wants to believe he is a good man, who only wants to help me. But the jaded half of me, the part that is wary and untrusting is screaming that no one does something just to be nice. They always take something from you. That starts a thought process that pretty much leads me to this: What if Eli is just getting me to trust him so he can ruin me even more? That would be so much more of a kick for someone; to see me fall so much further. The thought almost rips my heart out of my chest. The emotional pain actually becomes a physical pain and I drop my knife and fork because of it. Eli looks concerned and he asks, “What? What's wrong? What's the matter?”

My heart hurts. This pain, plus the realization that Eli may very well be hurt me more at a later date, causes me to panic. My eyes are wide and my breaths are short and ragged. I'm in such a panic, that I can't even try to calm myself down. I'm in full freaking out mode. Eli jumps off his chairs and appears in front of me. I jump back faster than I thought possible. I manage to grind out, “Don't... Just don't.... Don't touch me...”

“Dani? What's going on?”

I have to stop myself from passing out, so I recite the periodic table in every language I know. Don't ask me why or what makes me choose the periodic table, because I have no idea. It's just the first thing that enters my mind.



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(Eli's POV)



Dani's acting really strange. She's been silent for the whole of dinner, but now she's in full panic mode. I don't understand what's brought this on. Nothing even happened. We were doing so well. She's let me hug her before, but now she won't even let me near her. I just don't get what's going on. She's talking in different language... She's gets to Spanish and I can understand what she's saying. She's repeating the periodic table? What the heck? She's going to pass out if she doesn't get ahold of herself. I approach slowly as I talk, so I don't scare her.

“Dani? Baby, you need to calm down... Just listen to me.... You need to take deep breaths; just calm down... I'm not going to hurt you...”

I hear her gasp and a few tears spill from her eyes. “Sweetheart, what's wrong? What happened? What did I do?”

She attempts to take a deep breath and I take this as a sign to move closer. I take my gun out of its holster, put it on the work top and slide it towards Dani. She immediately snatches it up and points it at me. In all the times I've given Dani my gun, there have only been a handful of times I've thought she would actually shoot me. This is one of those times. If I don't play my cards right, I think Dani may actually put a bullet in me. I suppose this is where negotiating skills come in handy. The Cap once told me I could talk a hardened terrorist out of his attack. I'm glad he has such faith in me, because honestly,right now I have no idea what to say or do.

This poor girl is so scared all the time and I don't know how to work through it. I don't know how else to deal with it. I don't know how to prove to her that I'm here to stay the course. I want to be the one to help her through all of this. I think I'm falling for her but there's no way I can tell her that. Such a truth will only frighten her all the more. I shut my eyes as I frantically think of something to say; the right thing to say.

“Dani, it's me. It's Eli. I know you're scared right now, baby. I get that, but I need to know what you're scared of so I can help you. I can't fix anything if I don't know what I need to fix... I know you don't want to shoot me, but I know you will if you feel threatened. Baby, just listen to my voice and take deep breaths. I'm not going to come any closer, just listen to me...”

I suddenly get an idea and I start singing 'Gravity' by John Mayer. I remember Dani telling me it's one of her favorite songs. I get to the second verse and Dani's breaths are almost back to normal. Her hands are shaking and I'm worries she's going to drop the gun. I would have a hard time trying to explain why my gun went off in her apartment. I stop singing and whisper, “Dani, I need to take the gun, ok? I don't want you to drop it.”

She quickly puts the gun on the worktop and steps even further away from me. That stings. She's backing even further away from me and I don't know why. I thought we were making progress. Obviously not.

“Dani, what did I do wrong? Please talk to me.”

Her eyes seem to clear a little and she whispers, “Eli?”

“Yes ma'am, it's me.”

She sighs and her body seems to slump a little bit. I hesitate and let her relax before I push any further. After a minute or so, Dani starts clearing the breakfast bar. She freezes when I ask, “What was that, sweetheart?”

I see her physically tense up so I'm pretty sure her response isn't the truth.

“Just memories. I'm sorry.”

“If you just talk to me, then maybe I can help you.”

She sounds so dejected and helpless when she says, “You can't; no one can.”

She's tired, I know she's tired. She hasn't been getting much sleep so maybe that has something to do with her dramatic mood change.

“You should go to bed. I'll clean up here. Please try to get some sleep.”

I don't need to tell her twice. She shoots me a quick apology and a thank you before she darts off to her bedroom. I quickly clean up and decide that it will be better if I stay here tonight. I just have a feeling it's going to be a long night. I climb into bed at 11pm and as usual, I leave the door open so I can hear what's going on in the rest of the apartment.

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(END of Eli's POV)



I'm in that awful dark room. This has been my only living quarters for I don't even know how long. I have no idea what day it is, what year it is, or even what time it is. It's always the same here. It's always dark, smell, smokey and absolutely vile. But it's the only home I know now. I hear the lock slide open. I've come to learn that sound means really really bad things. Unmentionable things. The kind of stuff even your nightmares can't even conjure up. A man walks in. He looks normal, not like some of the rough disgusting creatures that have been in this room. He's wearing what looks like an expensive suit and his hair is well kept. I have learned not to trust what people look like. One way or another they're all out to get the same thing from you. Just some go about it in different ways.

He smirks at me and I notice he's carrying a bag. That is never a good sign. When they bring their own 'toys', that's always a bad sign. He places his bag on the table and walks over to where I am sitting on my cot. Even his walk is intimidating and I find myself trembling under his stare. I look at the floor and I hear him say, “Take off your clothes.” I obviously didn't move fast enough, because he hits me across the face. Once I receive the blow, I know to avoid any more I have to move quickly and do what he says. I quickly remove my clothes, hating myself for actually helping this man. If I want to reduce the pain, I need to be compliant, despite hating myself for it.

He looks me over and smiles before he pushes me onto the bed and kisses me. He lays me down and lays on top of me. Then I feel him tie my hands to the bed posts. I know better than to struggle, but inside I am panicking. No one has ever done this before and I can only imagine what's coming next. Then he ties my feet; I know this is really bad. He leaves me there, naked and exposed as he goes to his bag. He takes his jacket and shirt off and places them over the chair. Everything he does is deliberate and planned. He knows exactly what he is doing and he's loving every moment of this. He's enjoying my fear. He gets a metal rod out of his bag and I'm almost sure I hear him chuckle. He uses the metal rod to violate me and I have to bite the inside of my cheeks to hold back my screams and sobs. I can taste the blood in my mouth from how hard I am biting my cheeks. He takes the rod away and wipes it off before going back to his bag. I actually hoped it might be over, but then he pulls out a torch blower.



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(Eli's POV)

I'm woken up by Dani's scream. As I reach for my gun, I notice the clock is reading 1:30am. Despite hearing Dani screams hundreds of times since I've been here, I never get used to them. They wake me up quicker than if someone threw ice cold water on me. I jog to her room and I call her name before opening the door. I see her run to the bathroom so I follow her. She put her head down the toilet and I hear her throwing up. I whisper random things in Spanish, so she knows it's me and I hold her hair back. She jumps and freezes when I reach for her hair. I think I put her in a bit of a dilemma, because she wants to move away but she needs to throw up again. The puking wins and she sticks her head down the toilet again. She's sobbing now and my heart breaks for her. I try to comfort her; I try to say comforting words but I have no idea if it's working or not. After 10-15 minutes, Dani's puking has stopped so I quickly grab a glass of water. I place the glass on the floor near her and once I step away she reaches for the glass and takes a drink.

Her sobs haven't quite subsided, but her body is quivering and trembling. Probably from fear and probably because she's just been sick. She lays down on the cool tiled floor and rests her cheek against the tiles. I sit next to her and run my fingers through her hair. She doesn't object to my gesture and she doesn't run away so I continue to comb her hair with my fingers. I assume it's having a calming effect because her sobs seem to still and her shaking has lessened. Her eyes are closed and I think she's asleep, until she whispers, “Can you smell it, Eli?”

“Smell what, baby?”

“The burning.”

I furrow my brow in confusion and I take a sniff to see if something in the house is burning. I get nothing so I question, “What burning?”

“The burning. Can't you smell the burning flesh?”

She falls asleep before I can question her about it and I don't have the heart to wake her up. She must find me running my hands through her hair comforting and I make a mental note to remember that. I wait a half hour before I pick Dani up and carry her to her bed. I tuck her in and then sit on the chair in the corner of her room. I want to be here if she wakes up again, even if she does freak out. I'll just deal with that later if I have to.

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(END of Eli's POV)





A/N: That was quite an emotional chapter for me. I hope that shows through. I didn't know if I should put a warning before it. If you guys think I should, let me know and I will go back and put it a warning in there. Thanks for reading :)