Chapter Twenty-one



Shoot, he's really going to do it. He's going to ask Dani to come in here. She'll be mortified and she'll never come back again. I try to keep my cool as I say, “If you do that, Cap, she'll leave and never come back. She'll run out of here and you won't ever see her again.”

His hand hovers over the button and then he sets it on his desk.

“Sir, this is her private life. Do you really think it's right to delve into it? I mean, you wouldn't do that to me, would you?”

“Depends. Look at Cain. If we had looked into his private life, this wouldn't of happened, would it? How do I know she's not going to go a similar kind of way?”

“I can vouch for her. She's been dealing with this longer than you realize and she knows how to carry on regardless.”

“Unfortunately that's not good enough, Eli.”

“If you thought there was something wrong, why did you hire her? Why didn't it show up in her background check?”

“After Paul raised his concerns, I did some further digging into her background and it seems a little too normal to me. We were looking for terrorist connections, threats, stuff like that, not personal history. Maybe we need to change the regulations and checks. Eli, if you don't tell me I will risk losing Dani to ask her. I can't compromise the safety of the New York citizens.”

I sigh, knowing the game is over. At the end of the day he is my commanding officer and I have to give in to him with most things. I know deep down that he is right. Failing to tell him is compromising the safety of people. I just don't like to admit it. I don't think Dani will do anything, but then again, if she gets so scared she can't think straight who knows what could happen. If she's leading us through an exit route or something and she freaks out, that could be our lives on the line.

I sigh again and rub my hands over my face before saying, “You really have to promise you won't tell a soul. You can't let Dani know I told you. I've been working on gaining her trust and this will completely ruin it.”

I take a deep breath, trying to figure out what to say and when I open my mouth these words just fly out, “I'm sorry, I can't do this. It's not my story to tell. I can't betray her like that. Sorry Cap, it's just not right.”

The Cap stares at me and then nods. “Send Dani in on your way out.”

I'm shocked. He's actually going to ask her. I have to try to warn her. As I get to Dani's desk, I whisper in Spanish, “The Cap wants you. Dani? He's going to ask you what's going on. I didn't want you to walk in there without a warning...”

I see her hands start to shake and she drops her papers. I feel awful, but it would be unfair of me to not give her some kind of a heads up. I let her gather the papers by herself, knowing she probably needs to gather her thoughts.

“I'll wait here for you and then we'll go home.”

She nods absentmindedly and then she disappears into the Cap's office.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(END of Eli's POV)



I try to calm my nerves as I knock on the Captain's door. He tells me to come in, so I gingerly enter the room.

“Take a seat, Dani.”

I perch on the edge of the seat opposite the Captain, ready to run if needed.

He sighs and says, “If I know Eli like I think I do, he's already told you why I asked you to come in here.”

I don't speak, I just wait. Wait for him to actually voice what he's thinking; wait to see what comes out of my mouth. Because right now, I have no idea how I'm going to get out of this. I have no idea how to explain this away without revealing my history. I don't want anyone else to know. It's not something you share with everyone. Eli is a special case. He's the only one I am going to tell.

The Captain breaks my thought process as he says, “Paul has observed some things about your behavior that he is worried about. He recommends that you have some sessions with him. He also insisted that I have a word with you. He thinks you're a ticking time bomb and we don't want another Cain situation on our hands, so I have to ask, what is going on, Dani? Why is Paul so worried?”

I stare at the Captain. I just stare. For someone who has a photographic memory and a high IQ, I actually can't think of a single thing to say. It's like there's white noise in my head. Then I think, 'Huh, that's never happened before.'

I don't know how long I sit like that, just staring, but then it hits me. He actually wants to know; he's expecting an actual answer. That thought causes all the awful scenes to run through my head, like a picture book, in a matter of mere seconds. I let out a gasp and stand up. My brain doesn't even offer my mouth an explanation before I'm high tailing it out of there. I jog straight passed Eli; I don't even bother to grab my things. I fly down the stairwell and I don't stop until I'm at the doorway of the ground floor.

I take a few deep breaths, trying to savor the good memories I have had here and then I open the door and walk home.

I get home and jump on the treadmill, hoping to run all my troubles away. Everything just seems to be a blur. I feel like I'm in a dream state, although I know it's not a dream. I don't even know how long I jog for, I just know that my legs feel like lead when I eventually do stop. I manage to drag myself to the shower and I let the hot water cascade over me. I don't even cry. I don't know if I'm shocked or if I just can't cry anymore, but I shed no tears. I am deeply saddened that I won't be able to return to that job. I actually love that job. I've even grown accustomed to the teams that float passed my desk on a daily basis.

I just sit down on the couch, when I hear a knock at the door. I freeze, waiting to see if they'll go away.

“Dani, come on, let me in. It's Eli. Please sweetheart, just let me in.”

I don't move, I don't talk, nothing. I can't face him. I can't do this anymore. If I see him I'm going to break down. I'm not going to have Eli to lean on anymore; I need to be strong. I'm going to have to find my own way and all because of that stupid shrink. Why couldn't he mind his own business?! That interfering jerk! Who does he think he is?!

I stop myself. I'm getting angry. I never get angry. I don't think I have to right to get angry at people after everything I have done in my life. I have no right to do that.

I hear Eli say, “I know you're there, Dani. Please just let me know you're ok. I'm worried about you. Please baby?”

I can't do or say anything. I'm not ready to explain anything to him. I know I have to face him at some point, but I can't do it yet.

He waits another 15 minutes, before he accepts the fact that I'm not going to answer and he leaves.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Eli's POV)

Dani hasn't been in work for a week now. She won't take my calls and she won't answer the door. I haven't seen or heard from her since she ran out of the precinct. The Cap is pretty much pulling his hair out. I told him this would happen, but he wouldn't listen.

The guys want to know what's going on and Ash is chewing me out because of it. I had to tell him what happened. I obviously didn't tell him Dani's history. I feel like this is mostly my fault. If I had just told the Cap, then none of this would have happened. But then I'd feel even worse because I betrayed Dani. It's all such a mess and I don't know what to do about it.

Ash snaps me out of my thoughts, by clicking his fingers in front of my face. He whistles and says, “Hey, focus bud. We need you in the game here.”

“Yeah, sorry. I'm here.”

We're running a training session. The Cap has been seriously on our butts since all this went down. He has us running at least one training session and two fitness sessions a day. That's on top of our normal duties. He's analyzing all the stats from the shooting sheets and he's keep a close eye on everything. I can sort of understand it, I mean the dynamics of the team have changed and that can cause a lack of concentration on our part. But he seriously needs to take the stick out of his butt and stop chewing on bees.

I'll go to Dani's again tonight after work and see if she'll just talk to me. Even if she just told me through the door that she needs time, then I'd be ok with that. I can't help but think the worst. This is going to sound sick, but I've been monitoring the smell around her apartment and she can't be dead because there's no smell of death there. It's May, so it's pretty warm out and decomposition would set in rather quickly now. I can't dwell on that thought for too long though. I don't want to think what could have happened, but the thought of her going back to drugs scares me. It probably scares me because it's a very real possibility.

I don't actually know if I could forgive myself if she used again. I know I'm not responsible for the last time, but I feel responsible for her now. She needs my help, even if she doesn't want it or doesn't want to admit it. I need to speak to the Cap, but I don't know if I can face him and bring up this subject right now. I can just about hold it together when we're talking about work and I need to calm down before I approach the subject of Dani with him. He hasn't hired anyone else and he hasn't started looking as yet, so there's hope he'll have her back. Who am I kidding? He needs her back here. He's starting to realize just how important she is to him; he'd have her back in a heartbeat. He just needs to get over this desperate need to know her history.

I have no time to think anymore, Ash steps up for a hand to hand combat training session with me. He's good so I need to concentrate.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(END of Eli's POV)



I feel like complete and utter poo. I haven't slept at all in a week and I can't even remember the last time I ate. Every time my eyes slip shut, the images are so intense that I have to open them again and busy myself with something. I've run more miles than I care to remember. I've done yoga, read all of my books and even watched reruns of football games. I've sussed out most of the teams plays and I know all of the stats for every team. I can't switch off my mind; I can't relax. I'm at the end of my tether and I don't know what to do.

That voice inside me says, 'You do know what to do, you just don't want to admit it. You need to call Eli. You need him here. That's the reason you can't sleep. Just call him....'

I pick up my phone and dial his number. Before it connects I hang up. I can't call him. He's going to chew me out for bailing. He's going to be angry because I put him in a compromising situation with the Captain. The Captain is peeved, I bet. He must be fuming with me right now. I should never have taken that job. How else did I think it was going to play out? I'm not normal; I can't lead a normal life. I was just kidding myself with all of this. That thought tugs at my heart. I get so caught up in the day to day that when I think about my future it hurts just that little bit more. I don't really have a future, do I? As much as Eli likes to tell me it's all going to be ok, I know it's not. I can't be fixed, no matter how hard he tries. He needs to realize that.

I don't know how long I'm caught up in my thoughts, but a knock on my door startles me. I hear Ash say, “Dani, it's Ash. Can you at least acknowledge you can hear me? I bet your neighbors think we're freaks right now. Dani, I'm going to be straight with you. Eli is a mess. He is worried sick about you. Can you please just call or text him and let him know you're ok? It's driving him insane not knowing. I know you're scared and I bet you're angry at Paul and the Captain. I don't know what happened, but Eli said they are prying into your life. We all have things we want to keep locked in a closet. Heck, I have more than I'd care to think about...”

He chuckles a little and I move a little bit closer to the door. I sit on the floor near the door and just listen to him talk. I've missed the company of Eli and Ash. They're far too charming for their own good and they have a way of winning you over before you even realize it. I choke back a sob because I don't want him to hear me. He rattles on about how training is going and how they are all missing me.

“What can I do to make you come back, Dani? Just tell me what to do and I'll do it. I'll even go to the Captain if you want me to. I just hate seeing Eli like this. I hate the fact that you are so hurt over this. Please Dani? Just talk to me...”

I croakily whisper, “You can't do anything.”

I hear him gasp in shock; probably because I actually spoke. Then he says, “Can't I even try?”

“You can't change their minds. You can't go back in time.”

“Not even if we get the Captain to drop it?”

“You think that's going to happen?”

“I'm going to try. If it means getting you back and making Eli happy, then that's what I'm going to do. Are you going to let me in?”

I whisper, “I can't. I'm sorry.”

“I understand. That's Eli's privilege. Do you want me to go?”

I shrug and then remember he can't see me, so I say, “I don't know.... I'm tired, Ash.”

“Why don't you go to sleep then, darlin'? It's getting late anyways...”

My phone rings, saving me from answering and jolting me into reality. Why did I just tell Ash that? He doesn't need to know that I'm tired; he doesn't need to know about my problems.

Of course, I don't answer the phone, but the machine picks up and I hear Eli's voice say, “Hey Dani. I got a missed call from you and I just wanted to make sure you're ok. I'm on my way to your house now. I hope you're ok.”

He pauses, like he's tossing something up, and then he says, “Baby, I'm really worried about you. I just need to know you're ok. I have to be honest with you. I'm scared that it's all going to be too much for you and you're going to use again. Please don't do anything you're going to regret, Dani...”

He sighs and hangs up. I feel guilty for making him feel like this; I feel so weak and helpless. I don't mean to be such a burden or so dependent. Ash clears his throat and that snaps me out of my thoughts. He says, “I'm going to head off, Dani. I'll talk to the Captain and if I have to hurt Paul, then I will. I've always hated the shrinks anyways. It just gives me an excuse.”

He chuckles again and I start to wonder about his crazy sense of humor. I guess he has his own thoughts that amuse him. “Can we do this again sometime?”

I hear the amusement in his voice and I'm not sure if he's joking or not. “Maybe next time you'll actually open the door, hey?”

“Ash?”

“Yes darlin'?”

“Thanks.”

“You're welcome. I just wish I could make it go away. I'll do what I can to make it better tho.”

“Thank you.”

“You're welcome. I'll speak to you soon.”

I sit on the floor near the door feeling guilty for putting Eli through so much stress. If what Ash said was true, then Eli must feel awful. I was lost in my thoughts when there was a knock on the door. I jumped out of my skin and I involuntarily let out a gasp.

Eli says, “It's just me, Dani. No need to panic. At least I know you're there and you can hear me.”

I mumble, “I'm sorry, sir.”

“Can I see you, baby?”

I sigh, stand up and slowly open the door. I see the shock on Eli's face and I realize I must look a mess.

I drop my head, not wanting to see the disappointment or disapproval in his eyes.

“Am I allowed to come in, Dani? I'll understand if you don't want me to come inside...”

I open the door a little further and step out of the way, allowing Eli to enter the apartment.

“Thank you.”

He steps into the kitchen and his eyes fall on the little bottle that's sitting on the worktop. He send me a questioning look and his eyes plead with me; searching for an answer. “Dani? Please tell me you didn't....”

I cut across his sentence and say, “No, I didn't. I thought about it, but I didn't take any. You can count them if you don't believe me.”

“I believe you. You promised me you'd call and I believe you would keep that promise.”

I can see Eli staring at me out of the corner of my eye. He's trying to read me, I think. He sighs again and then asks, “Have you even eaten? Or slept?”

I just stare at the floor and pick at my fingernails. “Oh baby. Why didn't you just call me? I would have been here in a second...”

“I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to make things difficult for you or put you in a compromising position with the Captain....”

“Forget the Cap. That's not important right now. I'm more worried about you. I should make you something to eat.”

“I'm not hungry.”

“Of course you're not. You probably haven't eaten in at least a week. I'm so glad you let me in, Dani.”

I did something that shocked both of us; probably me more than him, but anyway. I close the gap between us and hug him. I hold on so tight, like my life depends on it; like he is my lifeline. He slowly and carefully wraps his arms around me and even though I tense up, he just continues to hold me. I can't control the sobs from leaving my body, just as I can't stop myself from continually whispering, “I'm sorry.”