Chapter Thirty-Two



It has been a very restless night, but surprisingly, not as bad as previous nights. The only thing that is different is Eli started out in my room, rather than appearing after a nightmare. I did have nightmares, but they didn't seem quite so daunting if that's even possible. It's now 4am and I know I can't go back to sleep. I want to know what Eli has planned, but I'm also worried about it. What if he is taking me somewhere scary? What if it's somewhere I can't handle? I'm curious, but at the same time I'm scared. I have to trust that he's not going to allow anything to happen to me. As hard as that it, I have to trust him. I'm just sitting up in bed, not wanting to move and wake Eli up. I manage to stealthily get out of bed and I'm just about to leave the room, when Eli whispers, “Did I not wake up for your last nightmare?”

I yelp and jump, not expecting his voice.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.”

“I thought you were asleep.”

“I was. I heard you get up. Everything ok?”

Does he have supersonic hearing or something?

“Yes sir. I was just going to run on the treadmill.”

“Will you have time? We need to leave in an hour.”

“I can do it when we get back... Eli...?”

I have to ask, but I'm worried about his reaction. He told me not to worry, but I can't help it.

He waits for a little while, but when I don't say anything more, he asks, “Yes baby?”

“Where are we going?”

“You're worried, aren't you?”

I feel my cheeks flush and I drop my head to cover the blush.

“I know it's probably asking a lot of you to trust me in this, but if I tell you now it's going to ruin it. I really want you to wait until we get there. I want to surprise you, but it's going to be ok. I promise it won't be busy. In fact, we'll probably be the only people there. Can you just hold on a little longer? Please?”

I nod a little, not really wanting to argue with him.

“Thank you. It'll be worth it, I promise.”

“Yes sir.”

“I'm going to let you wash up. I'll make a start on breakfast.”

“Ok.”

I wait until he leaves the room before I go into my bathroom. The whole way through my shower, I'm arguing with myself. I have no idea where we are going and that is an extremely dangerous thing. I'm not doing a very good job of protecting myself by just going along with this. I'm angry with myself for being so weak and not standing up to Eli, but I can't seem to put my foot down and make him tell me what's going on.

He wants me to trust him, but that is an exceptionally difficult thing for me to do. Even if I do go with him today, that doesn't really mean I trust him, does it? It just means that I'm too scared to go against what he's said. He may as well have given me an order, right?

By the time I get into the kitchen, Eli is already dressed, breakfast is made and I'm a nervous wreck. I try not to let him see it, but he's getting very good at reading me; even just little things like when I close my eyes or how long they stay shut for. He can gauge my mood or emotions from something so simple. Things I try to hide, but he can see them.

Eli snaps me out of my thoughts, “Dani, it's going to be ok, I promise. I know that probably doesn't mean a whole lot to you, seeing as you're afraid of the unknown, but it'll all be revealed in another 30 minutes. Just hang on a little longer.”

I don't answer, I just pick at my food. Suddenly I'm not very hungry any more. If we're going to do this, I'd rather just get it over and done with. Let's get it out of the way. At least then I can know exactly what I should be afraid of.

When I think I can't take the suspense any longer, Eli says, “Let's go.”

The ride in the car is mostly silent. We travel for almost 20 minutes before he whispers, “I just need to make a quick stop. You can wait in the car though.”

I don't reply. There's nothing I can say to that really. He parks in front of some little shops and gets out of the car. I immediately lock the doors after he has left and my mind draws me in so much that I don't realize he returns until he knocks on the window. I almost jump out of my skin and have to calm myself down before I remember the doors are still locked. He gets into the car, but doesn't mention anything about me locking the doors. Instead he hands me a bouquet of flowers and asks me to hold onto them.

I blurt out, “Is someone sick?”

He looks confused, so I explain, “My momma, she used to take flowers to anyone who was sick in our village...”

“No, no one is sick. At least, not that I know of.”

Nothing more is said until he parks up again. He whispers, “We're here.”

I look around and I feel my brow furrow in confusion. I don't get it. “A cemetery?”

“Yes ma'am. Just follow me.”

He gets out of the car and comes round to open my door. I slowly get out and follow him. He seems to know exactly where he's going, so I presume he's been here before. We walk almost to the far end of the cemetery and I'm desperate to know what we are doing here. Just as I open my mouth to say something, Eli stops, and the words die on my lips. As I look down, I see what probably was once a white headstone, faded and turned gray with time. It's not the actual headstone that causes the words to disappear or the breath to catch in the back of my throat. No, what causes my heart to crumble just a little bit more, are the two names on the headstone. Aleksei and Irina Romanov.

I try to take a breath, but I feel like all of the wind has been knocked out of me. I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach, and trust me, I know what that feels like. I can't seem to do anything but stare. I can't peel my eyes away from the headstone that is before me. I know I need to take a breath, but it doesn't seem physically possible. After what feels like a lifetime, Eli whispers, “I thought this would be good for you...”

And just like that, the air comes rushing in to my lungs. Because he broke my concentration and because he cut the tension in the air.

I didn't know what to say, “I.... I...” I take a deep breath, trying to figure out what to do or say.

“You don't need to say anything. I know this is a shock for you, but now you see why I didn't want to tell you? All those nights I've been working late? This is what I was doing. Trying to find out what happened and where they were. It wasn't easy, but I finally had a break earlier on this week. I'm going to wait just over there and give you some time. If you need me, all you have to do is call. Ok?”

I can't speak. I just nod. I still haven't looked away from the discolored stone, but I see Eli walk away out the corner of my eye. Once he's gone, I feel awkward. Sure, I've been to cemeteries before, but I was a little child back home in Russia. I was never there on my own and I didn't know or understand the concept of the dead at that time. Now I'm older, I feel like I've missed out a chapter in life because I have no idea what to do in this situation. I take a deep breath, open my mouth, and the Russian words just fall out of them.

“I guess I should lay these flowers instead of just holding them... I really don't know what to do here...”

I kneel down to place the flowers on the grave. It's only now that I notice Eli bought red, white and yellow roses. So much is said in the color of these roses and I have to wonder if Eli did it intentionally. Red for love, white for reverence, and yellow for remembrance. As the flowers lay on the grave, I touch the headstone and despite not wanting to do it, tears spill from my eyes. I don't sob. Tears just leak from my eyes, like water dripping from a tap. I don't think I'm crying because my parents are gone, although I do miss them every day, of course I do. I think I'm crying because I finally have an answer. I know where they are. Someone cared enough to actually give them a burial and a head stone. That means a lot to me. That someone else thought of them, even if it was just for a moment. Someone valued their lives enough to do this. I'm crying because finally I have a chance to release all the emotion I've held in over their deaths.

As I run my fingers over their names, I continue to speak in my native tongue. “I don't even know where to start. So much has happened, so so much. I don't even know if you can hear me, but if there is even a possibility that you can, I can't even begin to tell you about it all. You'd be ashamed of me, and I don't want you to hear the awful things I've done.... I've brought shame to our family name and I can never get that back... Poppa, you always told me my mind was my greatest possession. It sure doesn't feel that way. I can't escape it and I don't know what to do. It's drowning me. My thoughts are swallowing me up and I don't know how to get free. It's driving me crazy. I even think I hear you talking to me. I know that's not possible, but it feels so real...”

I take a deep breath, not believing I actually spoke that much. I don't think I've expressed that many words since I was 10 years old. But now that I've started, it feels like I can't stop. “I'm so scared. I don't know what to do or where to turn. Everywhere I turn, I feel like I hit a brick wall. Everything is a mess and I'm so scared; so so scared. I just want you to be here, to tell me it's all going to be ok. Even though I know it's not, I just want to hear you say it. I just want it all go away; I want it to be ok.”

I feel a warm breeze brush over my face and it startles me. It's almost like my parents were answering me. Now, I know that sounds crazy, but after letting all of that out and then a breeze appears out of no where? Tell me you wouldn't think the same. I trace over the names again, and gingerly place a kiss on my fingertips before touching the headstone one last time. In a way, I feel stupid for doing such a thing, but it feels like the right thing to do. I just stand in silence for a few more minutes; lost in my thoughts and the moment. When I feel like I'm ready to go, I look up to search for Eli. Sure enough, he is standing guard not too far from me.

“Eli?”

His head snaps towards me and I see a pain in his eyes that I can't quite understand. He's by my side in an instant.

“You ok, baby?”

“Yes sir.... Thank you.”

“You're very welcome. Did it help?”

“I think so. I'm glad someone cared enough to give them a burial.”

“Apparently your father made arrangements in case anything happened to them. You didn't know about it?”

“No sir. He was always very practical so I shouldn't be surprised.”

Eli stops walking and he looks worried for a moment before he speaks, “I'm sorry I made you worry and scared. I know that can't have been very nice for you, but I didn't want to ruin the surprise.”

“I know. It's ok, Eli.”

He shoots me a lopsided grin. I'm not quite sure what it's for so I quickly look at the ground.

“You're making progress, Dani. You don't call me sir as much now. I wasn't going to mention it because I don't want you to be conscious of it. But I think you need to see that you are getting somewhere.”

I don't know what to say to that, so I don't say anything. I almost feel like I've spoken too much already today.

His phone rings, startling both of us. Me more so. He frowns as he reads the caller ID, “My dad. I forgot to call him last night after we got home.”

“You better answer...”

He exhales deeply before picking up, “Hey dad.”

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Eli's POV

“You didn't call last night...”

“Yeah, sorry. I forgot. We kind of got side tracked when we got home.”

“How is Dani?”

“She's ok.”

“What was all of that about, Eli?”

“I can't really discuss that at the moment.”

“Is she with you now?”

“Yes sir.”

“Can't you talk in Spanish?”

“No sir. She understands that.”

“Huh, what are the odds. Tell her I am sorry for last night. We do need to talk though. I think you need to let some steam off. I can see whatever it is is affecting you more than you're letting on. Want to get some training in with me tonight?”

“Er, maybe sir. I'll have to see what we are doing tonight first...”

I see the panic on Dani's face. She must think he's asked us to come to dinner. I wouldn't subject her to that two nights in a row.

“I'll talk to Dani and I'll call you back later. Anyway, what are you doing up so early?”

“I have an early shift at the hospital; just leaving now. I'll be home around 4 if you want to pop in any time after that it'll work for me.”

“Ok, I'll drop you a text or something later on.”

As we hang up, I quickly say to Dani, “He didn't ask us to come to dinner, in case you're worried about that. He apologized for last night.”

“It's ok, sir. It's my fault.”

“No, it's not your fault. It's just one of those things we have to work round. They'll get to grips with what they can and can't do. It'll all work out fine, sweetheart.”

“How do you stay so optimistic?”

“Because I know in my heart it'll all work out. I can see a difference in you already. I mean, before I couldn't even go 10 feet near you. Now look, we're almost walking side by side. You just have to get used to contact and you have to trust that we're not going to hurt you. My dad wants me to go and help him with some training tonight. Did you want to do something instead?”

“No sir, you should spend time with your dad. I've got some work to do anyway.”

“You sure?”

“Yes sir. Honestly, it's fine.”

“Ok. Oh shoot! I need to call Ash. My ma wants him to joins us for dinner tomorrow afternoon. You don't have to go, Dani. Tyler, Maria and Jon, Maria's husband, will be there...”

“I think I'll pass, thanks.”

I smile at her affectionately. There's that hint of sarcasm again. It keeps popping up at the most random times and I really like it.

“Not to worry. You want me to bring dinner back?”

“It's ok. I can just make something. Although your momma is a great cook...”

“Isn't she just? Maybe she'll give you a few of her recipes. I'll ask her tomorrow.”

We travel the rest of the journey home in silence. Dani is lost in her thoughts and I don't want to disturb her. She needs time to process this morning. When we reach her parking lot, I can see she's still deep in thought, so I say, “Dani?”

She jumps and I hear her let out a word in Russian. I can't help but wonder if she just swore in Russian. I decide not to ask about it because I don't want her to feel bad. “We're home...”

Before I can even move, she rushes out, “Did you know the meaning of the colors?”

I know I look confused, because I feel completely lost by her question.

“The roses. Do you know what the colors mean?”

She noticed. I shouldn't be surprised. This is Dani. She notices everything, even if she doesn't comment on it.

“Yes ma'am. I do.”

She lets out a breath and whispers, “Thank you.”

“You're welcome. It seemed like the right thing to do.”

“It was very... thoughtful. And I appreciate it.”

It seems like she struggles with that. Maybe she doesn't know how to compliment or she's so used to hearing unkind words that saying nice ones takes a lot of effort. Whatever the reason, I am touched by her words. I reach for her hand, but she pulls it back quickly. I can feel myself frown, but I quickly cover it up. I know these things take time, but it always feels like we take more steps back than forward.

I hear her whisper, “Sorry.”

“It's ok.”

“But it's not really, is it? It hurts you.... every time I do that it hurts you. I can see it.”

I am taken aback by her words. It's almost like she's arguing back, but I know she's just desperate. “It doesn't matter about me. What matters is that you're comfortable; that these things are done on your terms. I guess I don't realize how hard it is to accept touch. I mean, we've been doing so well, that I kind of forget you might not be ok with it... I'm sorry.”

She starts rambling, but I let her carry on in the hope she'll reveal some kind of insight into her mind. “It just startles me. I can't do it like that. I have to know what's coming. My automatic reaction is to shy away, which is stupid because before I wouldn't have even dreamed of doing that.... It just makes me remember and I have to prepare my mind for it...”

I sit still and quiet for a few seconds, allowing the gravity of what she's just said filter into my brain.

“Does every touch remind you? Is there nowhere... on your body... that won't spark a memory?”

That was a difficult thing to say. Somehow talking about her body makes me tense up and feel awkward for Dani. It's like I can feel how that sentence will affect her. I can honestly say, I've only ever thought about her body from a guy's perspective maybe only a handful of times. That doesn't make me sound like much of a guy, does it? It's not that I don't find her attractive and it's not that I don't want her in every way. Because, trust me, I really do. I just need to make sure she's ok first. I need her to trust me and know that I'm not going to hurt her before I can even think about my feelings for her. I know I care about her a great deal, and she knows I care too, but she's not going to be anywhere near comfortable with a relationship any time soon. My mind knows this, so it pushes all those kind of thoughts aside for the most part.

She breaks my trail of thought by whispering, “No sir, nowhere.”

I take a deep breath, trying to calm the storm that is raging deep within me. It's times like these that I really want to hurt (or kill) these people. After I take a few deep and calming breaths, I whisper, “I'm sorry, Dani. I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that. I'm sorry it's such a struggle for you. I'm sorry you can't just be happy and get on with your life and I'm sorry that no one was there to protect you or save you.”

“It's not your fault, Eli. You don't need to apologize.”

“I may not have directly done anything, but as part of the state's system I feel some form of responsibility. We failed you. Social services failed you. The justice system failed you, and I can't help but feel responsible for that. As a man, I feel a sense of responsibility too. No man should ever feel the need to act like that. No man should ever treat a woman like that...”

“They're not men. They're monsters.”

This is the first time she's ever really spoken about them in this way. If she feels up to doing this right now, then I'm not going to stop her. I'll sit in this car all day and talk if that's what she wants to do.

“You're right, they are monsters. Maybe even worse than monsters.”

“Probably demons, at least the ones in charge. I guess if there's a market for it, then they'll continue to do it.”

“We'll have to step up our game and try to fight it even more.”

“All those poor girls, Eli...”

A feel a lump rising in my throat at the pain in her voice. Even now, she's thinking of the other girls.

“I know, baby, I know. Although, a lot of girls that get out of those situations do go on to lead good lives...”

I don't want her to completely focus on the bad.

“But a lot don't as well. I've seen the statistics. Why can't I just live a good life, Eli?”

“You do live a good life, sweetheart. You are a good person. You're just scared and scarred by the memories. There's not many people out there that have the same mind as you do. That makes this more difficult to deal with and forget...”

“It makes it impossible to forget. I've tried, so many ways I've tried.”

I'm not sure I want to know what she's tried. I imagine a cocktail of drugs is one way.

“Listen to me, Dani. You are a good person. You're trying to get your life together and we're making progress. We just have to figure our way through closing your mind off to the past...”

She scoffs slightly and I don't know which part of my words she disagrees with. I don't have to wait for long, because she admits, almost out of panic, “If you only knew, Eli. If you only knew all the things I've done, you wouldn't think I'm a good person. I'm not a good person. I'm a disgusting, shameful, dirty, bottom feeder. I don't deserve the life I have. I don't deserve anything. I deserve to be back where I was, back in that awful room...”

I almost shout, “No!”

I scare her, I see it written all over her face and in the tenseness of her body.

I soften my voice, “No, you don't deserve to be back there. You never deserved to be there in the first place. You deserve to have a normal life, a good life. And you are a good person. You're not disgusting, shameful, or dirty. And you're certainly not a bottom feeder. I don't like you using such derogative terms about yourself. You didn't choose for any of this to happen. You didn't ask to be put there, or put through any of that awful stuff. It wasn't your choice and it wasn't your fault. I need you to see that. I need you to believe that. I'm not just saying it because I care about you; I'm saying it because it's true.”

I know she doesn't believe me, but I have to try to get her to understand this concept. She's carrying survivor's guilt, because she escaped. She's carrying so much guilt over what has happened.

“You didn't choose any of this, Dani. You didn't ask for it...”

She looks scared, distraught and desperate as she exclaims, “But I didn't fight it...! I didn't fight.... I didn't even fight...”

Her voice gets quieter with each line, and at the end she sounds completely broken. That's where the guilt comes from. She thinks it's her fault because she didn't fight them.

“Dani, please look at me. How do you think you could have fought them? For one, they had you drugged, and I'm sure you were not in a fit state to fight. Two, if you'd have fought, you would have had even worse treatment. Even if you did fight and get loose, where would you have gone? How would you have gotten out? Just because you didn't fight, it doesn't mean it's your fault. In fact, faced with the situation you were in, it was the smartest option. I know that probably kills you to hear such a thing, but fighting back would have made it 100 times worse. They may have even killed you...”

She mumbles, “At least it would have been over...”

“No, don't say that. Your life is worth something. You are important. I know you're hurting and I know it doesn't seem like life is worth living, but it is. You are important to me, so important. The Captain needs you, the department needs you, and there are lives out there that you can and will affect. You just need to hang on a bit longer and give it time. I know it's hard, and I will never know how difficult and painful it is for you. I know I can never understand what you went through, but I can help you. You just have to let me in. You just have to accept my help and confide in me. I know you don't trust me properly yet, and to be honest, I'm kind of glad about that...”

Her head snaps up at that and I see confusion written all over her features, so I explain, “It shows me that your instincts are still working. If you trust someone too easily, it means you're letting your defenses down too quickly and that's not a good thing. I want you to be safe, I want you to protect yourself, and keeping your instincts is a good way of doing that. I know deep down, you don't think I'm like them, you don't really think I'm going to hurt you. Your subconscious and your instincts just need a little more time to get to grips with that. I'm ok with that, truly. I just want to protect you and help you and I'll do whatever I can to do that. However, I need something from you as well. I need you to talk to me. I need to know what you're thinking and feeling or I'm not going to be able to talk you through the problems. That's going to be tough for you, I understand that, but I need you to at least try. Can you do that?”

I can see her tossing it up through the look in her eyes. Those blue orbs hold so much emotion; you just need to know how to read them.

“I'll try, sir.”

“Thank you, that's all I ask, that you try.”

“I don't want to remember, Eli...”

“I know sweetie, I know. I'm trying to help with that.”

She simply says, “Ok.” and I know this conversation is over. She's revealed a lot in a relatively short space of time. That had to be difficult for her. She hasn't really opened up about the whole issue, not since the night she told me her history. Although that was a more clinical, bare facts description. This time she's actually revealed some of her feelings on the issue. I'm proud of her and very touched that she's talked about it with me.

“You want to go take a nap? I'm sure today has been draining for you.”

“Yes sir. Thank you, Eli.”

“I didn't do anything.”

“You found them. Thank you for... everything. I know I don't show it very often, but I do appreciate it.”

“You're most welcome, baby. I'll do anything for you, and I do mean anything. All you have to do is ask.”

We head up to her apartment, and she retreats to her room. I leave her to her own company; I'm sure she needs to be alone right now.

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End of Eli's POV