Chapter Thirty-Six



We were at work before 6am that Monday morning. The night wasn't very restful and I didn't see the point in trying to sleep any more. I'd been up before 3am, so I managed to sneak out of the room to do a session on the treadmill. I didn't want to wake Eli so I kept all the doors closed. I'm not much of a coffee drinker, but I think I'm going to need gallons of it to function today. We're even in before the Captain, which doesn't happen very often.

Almost as soon as the teams are all in, they're called out to various places and the floor is a flurry of activity. The Captain drops a stack of files on my desk and gives me a list of things I need to do before the day is over. As I gather up the files, he stares at me for a little while. Eventually he asks, “Are you ok, Dani?”

“Yes sir.”

“You don't look ok. Do you remember what our little agreement was?”

“Yes sir, I remember. I'm just tired. It wasn't a very restful weekend, that's all. I was working until late.”

“You sure?”

“Yes sir. I'll be ok.”

He nods. He doesn't look convinced but he doesn't say anything more on the matter. He leaves me to carry on working and I don't even look up from my work until I feel someone's presence near my desk. My head shoots up and to my dismay, I see Paul standing in front of my desk. My pulse quickens and my breath catches in the back of my throat, but I try not to let it show on my face. He gives me his signature smirk, the one that fully creeps me out, and he says, “Is the Captain in?”

“Yes sir. I'll see if he's available, one moment.”

I pick up my phone and call through to the Captain. He explains that he's got a phone conference scheduled, so Paul will either have to come back or wait. When I explain this to Paul, he says, “I guess I can wait for a little while. I think we should catch up, don't you? I don't think I saw you last week.”

Mentally I roll my eyes and think, 'I didn't miss you, that's for sure.' But I know I can't say that, so I say nothing and try to concentrate on my work. That is a difficult task, because I know Paul has no respect for personal space and if I take my attention off him for even a second, there's a good chance he'll appear right at my side.

“So, Cain's been released. He got out last week. Have you spoken to him?” I shoot him a quick glance, but don't answer.

“No, I suppose you haven't. He would have called the Captain directly instead of coming through you. Although, you should probably see him again. Maybe he'll pop in to visit the team at some point...”

I involuntarily stiffen at the thought of seeing Cain again. Paul notices this and he immediately comments, “You don't want to see him again? Was it really that bad? It goes much deeper than this situation with Cain though, doesn't it?”

He's thoughtful for a few seconds, and then he says, “Do you have daddy issues?”

I can't stop the anger that flows through me. How dare he talk about my father! Who does he think he is?! I clench my fists and grind my teeth, not knowing what to do with such an emotion. I don't get angry, I never feel like I have the right to judge someone or get angry at them; not after everything I've done in my life. However, I'm angry at this. He has no knowledge of my parents. He has no right to talk about them and he certainly has no right to insult my father in such a way.

I manage to grind out, “Don't talk about my poppa that way. You don't know what you're talking about.”

He smirks, “Nope, no daddy issues. There's no mistaking or faking that anger or disgust. So, someone else then. Hmmmm, I'm sure it'll come to me.”

I really want this man to go away. I don't like him and he's being too pushy. I decide I can't take it any more, so I grab some files and head to the Captain's office. I pause at his door to calm down before I knock and enter. He's still on the phone, but he sees there's something wrong instantly. I wait for him to finish his call and as soon as he places the handset on the receiver, he asks, “What's wrong? What happened?”

I take a deep breath and try to force out a response, but Paul words come back to me and my hands start shaking out of anger. The Captain appears right in front of me so I take a huge step back and try not to freak out from the closeness of him.

“Dani? What's going on? What's the matter?”

“He... I... I don't like him, sir.”

“Who?”

“Paul... I just... I don't like him.”

The Captain's eyebrows raise in shock. I've never expressed any feelings about anyone, negative or positive. I just keep my opinions to myself. “Why? What did he do?”

“I just... don't like him.”

“Do you want me to have a word with him?”

“No! Sorry, I mean, no sir. Thank you. I just needed a break.”

“He's a shrink, Dani. He's an intense person. That doesn't just switch off, you know that, right?”

“Yes sir. Sorry sir.”

“Don't be sorry. I'm glad you actually shared an opinion with me. Those my threat assessments?”

“Yes sir. No red levels today.”

“Good, that's what I like to hear. You can send Paul in now.”

“Yes sir.”

Paul tried to walk right passed me on his way in to the Captain's office, but I managed to foil his plan and move myself well out of the way. He didn't seem pleased with the avoidance, but he didn't let it show for too long.

By the time he comes out of the Captain's office, Ash is sitting by my desk. Ash snorts in disgust when he sees Paul, but I just keep my head down not wanting to reveal anything. As Paul walks away, he says, “I'll see you in a few days, Dani. We didn't finish up today.”

Ash's eyes nearly fall out of his head and he hisses, “I really don't like that guy...”

I still don't say anything, which I think Ash takes as me being guilty of something. He quickly asks, “Are you having sessions with him?”

“What?”

“Simple enough question. Are you having sessions with him?”

“No sir, I'm not.”

“He's a creep, stay away from him. What did he mean, anyways?”

“I don't know. He just pops in to see the Captain and then he ends up sitting here while he waits. I just do my work.”

Ash stares at me, trying to read into my words and my body language. Thankfully I do a good job of hiding things because he says, “Just ignore him. He'll get bored eventually and he won't be around so much. You going to eat lunch with Eli and me?”

“I don't know, sir. There's so much to do today.”

“It's Momma C's leftovers.”

I can't help the words that escape, “Momma C?”

“Yeah, Eli's mom. That's what I call her.”

“Oh, right. She is an amazing cook.”

“I know, right? I could eat her food 24/7...”

Eli appears, “Yeah, you used to. Remember?”

“I remember well. One of the worst things about being in the army was missing your mom's cooking, man.”

“You were in the army, Ash?”

I'm actually intrigued by this. Eli and Ash have more history than I thought.

“Yes ma'am. A Ranger with Eli. Actually, he's been my CO for as long as I can remember...”

“Wow. I didn't know that.”

“You like an army boy, huh?”

My gaze drops and Eli warns Ash with just one word, “Scott...”

Ash chuckles and says, “Dude, I didn't mean it like that. I meant that she only talks to us and we're both army boys. Relax people, gosh...”

“You got any updates for us, Dani?”

“No sir. Everything seems to be quiet at the moment. I have a file to translate though, so I don't know if that will throw something up.”

“Ok. We'll head up for training then. Flash me if there's any developments.”

“Yes sir.”

The weeks seem the roll by, pretty much the same as every other week. Work is hectic, bomb scares, routine security, drug raids, protection details, and the like. The nights are long and tedious; the nightmares seeming to be more intense. Eli hasn't mentioned anything more about his dad or the drugs, and I'm secretly pleased about this. I'm not going to bring it up, as I don't want to go down that path. I understand Eli's reasoning. He keeps telling me that the lack of sleep and the lack of eating can't continue. He keeps telling me that my body can only take so much before it shuts down. I know this and I try to eat and sleep, mainly for his sake. I've managed to convince Eli I'm going to be ok if he goes out with the guys whenever he wants, so he reluctantly agrees to spend Friday nights with Tyler and the team. He usually crashes at his or at Ash's if he's been drinking. The first time he appeared at my house stinking of alcohol, I'd freaked the heck out and I wouldn't go near him for days. He learned his lesson from that and stays away if he's had a drink.

It's not that I mind him drinking, he can do whatever he wants. It just worries me, because I never know if he's in control or if the drink is controlling him. The smell brings back too many memories and I don't want or need any more reminders.

We're now heading into September and the weather has turned slightly colder. The leaves are starting to fall, as the season suggests. Paul has been relentless with his appearances and it's getting to the point where I might have to tell someone. I dread going into work for fear that he's going to appear. I've had a number of panic attacks with him around because he just won't leave me alone. He gets in my personal space, he insults my parents, he assumes I'm sleeping with the whole team for favors and their protection. It has me in a complete mess, which is why the nightmares have been so bad, I think. I'm more distant with Eli and he's noticed it.

It's a Wednesday morning and I'm picking at my breakfast while Eli eats and watches me. He speaks up, “Baby? What's going on?”

I jump and nearly fall off my chair. I drop my spoon and the oatmeal splashes onto the table. I back away, worried he's going to shout at me or hit me, but nothing happens. I sneak a look up at him, only to find Eli staring at me with worried and tired eyes. I feel guilty, so I drop my head again and start picking at my fingers. He snaps me out of my thoughts again, “Dani? What's the matter? You've been like this for weeks now. We're gradually going back to how things were when you first met me. Have I done something wrong? Is it because I've been out for drinks?”

“No sir. And you haven't done anything wrong.”

“Then what is it? What's going on? I'm so worried about you right now.”

“I'm just tired. I can't keep doing this anymore. I'm tired of the fight.” That isn't a lie. I am tired of everything. Sometimes I just think death would be easier.

“I know you are, baby. My dad is working on that, but it takes time to get all the information together and to get the drugs without causing suspicion. It won't be too much longer.”

“I'm sorry, Eli. I'm just... I'm struggling right now.”

“I can see that. I want to help, you just won't let me.”

“It'll be ok; I'll be ok. I just need time and rest.”

“You want to call in sick today? I can tell the Captain you're not well...”

“No, it's ok. He'll only worry and make me talk to him. I don't want to do that. I'll just deal with it.”

“Sure?”

“Yes sir.”

“Ok.”

I manage to fumble my way through the first part of the morning and help the Alpha team with a mission. After their return, they go for debriefing before they're called out again. They're back quite late, but Eli still makes them all go upstairs for their scheduled training scenario. I have so much work to do that I just work until late and that's when my day does a complete nosedive.

I'm working, as usual, with my focus on my computer screens. I'm making the finishing touches on my computer program, when I see two shadows step up to my desk. When I look up, I cannot hide the panic or fear from my face. I can't even think straight because I'm so scared. I can't speak, I just stare and try to find an escape route. But there is no way out. Cain and Paul have blocked my ways of escape and I don't know what to do.

My brain is on its way to shutting down, but I manage to hear Cain say, “Hey Dani. Paul said you'd be ok with me stopping by. I just wanted to apologize for my behavior. It wasn't me; it was the drugs and I'm sorry for that. I know you probably can't forgive me, heck, I don't expect you to. But I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I'm just going to see the Captain.”

He leaves and Paul just smiles at me, like he's taking delight in my fear. “What's the matter Miss Romanov? Didn't think he'd turn up? I told you he'd stop by at some point. You worried you're going to be caught out in your little game?”

He steps closer to me and I'm stuck against the cabinets behind my desk. There's no escape; no way out and he's still advancing towards me. I can feel my fingers and toes tingling and the blackness is starting at the edges of my eyes. I know I'm going to pass out and I don't know if that's worse than staying conscious. Paul's hand glides across my cheek as I tremble. He whispers, “You don't even realize what you do to all of these guys, do you? You don't even know how mesmerizing and enchanting you are, do you? That damsel in distress and hard to get act really does make a man want you even more... I think it's about time I got to share what the team have been experiencing....”

I remember whispering, “No, no, no, no...” Just over and over again. I remember him placing his lips on mine and his hands fumbling through my hair and over my body, but then he's gone and I'm in a heap on the floor. My brain is completely foggy, and not in a good way. I hear shouting and a commotion but I feel detached from it. I manage to gather my thoughts enough to realize I'm in danger so I drag myself to hide under my desk. I bring my knees up to my chin and wrap my arms around my legs, trying to make myself feel safer. I feel like I'm back in that awful room and all the heinous memories hit me like a freight train. I can't stop them and I cry out from the physical pain of it. My brain is on overload, like it's taken a million stimulants and it can't go fast enough to keep up with the images.

Someone appears in front of me, I feel them more than see them, and I try to back off even more. I shout out in Russian, but I have no idea what I'm saying. I have no control over this situation or myself. I have no idea what is going on and I can't compute any of this. I manage to call out for Eli, but I know it's not him in front of me. Something isn't the same; something isn't right about the presence in front of me.

I'm trembling, my brain hurts, my body hurts and I just can't cope with this. It's now I wish I'd pass out, so I don't have to deal with the pain, but of course, my brain is too active and the darkness won't draw me in.