Chapter Forty

Eli's POV

I tuck Dani against my side as she sleeps. For once she actually looks at peace. She looks like she's actually resting and for that I am thankful. I run my fingers through Dani's hair as I hold her close to me. She's been out for 40 minutes or so. At first I was expecting her to scream and wake up so I've been sitting here as still and as silent as I can be so as not to disturb her. I can feel my dad watching me, so I glance up at him and find him with a small smile on his face. He whispers, “She's not going to wake up any time soon. If she's been out this long, then the drugs have worked and she'll be out for a while. You should probably get her a blanket though. The sedative will make her feel the cold more. Do you want me to get it?”

“No sir, I'll get one in a minute. She'll know if you've been in her room. Don't ask me how, but she'll know.”

He looks like he's debating with something and then he asks, “Are you allowed in her room?”

“Yes.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, but only in the last 2 or 3 months. She seems to sleep better with me on the chair in there. Maybe it's a security thing, I don't know.”

“She trusts you. I know it may not look like it, but she does. Just because she doesn't allow you to do certain things, doesn't mean she doesn't trust you. She let you inject her, that must have taken a lot of trust in you. That would have been harder for her than either of us realize. I'm sure seeing that needle brought back many memories and also a lot of fears. For her to let you do that in spite of her fears, that's definitely trust, son.”

“Yeah, I guess it is. I get so caught up in each hurdle, that I don't stop to take a look at the whole picture. When I look at it now, she's come a long way in these last few months. It's just these freaking dreams that are causing her problems. If we can subdue those, I think we can make some real progress.”

“Eli, I have to ask. Those scars, what's that all about?”

“Truthfully, I don't actually know. Not for sure anyways. She's got them on her lower back too. I saw them when she was running on the treadmill before. She doesn't know I saw though, so don't mention it. Obviously it has to do with her past but I'm not quite sure exactly what happened. She's not forthcoming with that information.”

“It's not surprising really. It must have been a pretty bad beating for that kind of scaring to still be so prominent. What happened to set this off, Eli?”

I sigh and just stare at Dani's face, trying to control my emotions. “Someone at work assaulted her.”

My dad hisses, “What?! In the precinct?!”

“Yeah. The scumbag shrink. I think something has been going on for a while, but Dani never talked about it. I did ask her if everything was ok, but she never mentioned it. I just didn't ever imagine it could get this bad. I knew he was asking her questions, but I didn't think he'd do something like this. I want to kill him, dad. I actually want to beat him into a pulp. That's not me; I'm the calm, level headed one...”

“You care about her, of course you're going to get angry. That's only natural. You've never had to worry about something like this before, because you've never really had this kind of relationship with a woman.”

I shoot him a look, this is hardly a normal relationship that Dani and I have going on here.

“I'm talking about aside from her issues. She's more than a distraction or a quick lay...”

I involuntarily flinch at his wording. It seems so callous to speak like that, but that's how I used to be. I'm not going to lie about my past. A lot has changed since Dani. I cringe at the thought of being so crude now. I whisper, “I can't believe I used to think that was acceptable behavior...”

“It's not that it's unacceptable behavior, Eli. It's just that you have changed. That's not what you want anymore. Can I ask something?”

“Sure. My answer depends on the question though.”

My dad smiles at me, probably because he knows that's the way he'd answer that.

“How long ago did Dani get out of whatever situation that made her like this?”

“We've known her nearly a year, so that would make it almost 4 years ago, I think.”

“Wow. Someone really did a number on her, huh?”

“You have no idea.”

Dani starts to shiver so I release her from my grip and gently place her head on the cushions before jogging to get a blanket for her. As I tuck the blanket around Dani, she whimpers, like she's in pain and I can see her eyelids fluttering. It looks like her eyes are darting back and forth behind her closed lids and my heart aches for her. She must be dreaming. As if my dad reads my mind, he says, “She won't wake up. The sedation is too heavy and she won't be able to wake herself out of it.”

My eyes widen slightly, worrying about how she's going to get through it. She wakes up because she can't handle the reality of the images. How's she going to react when she's not able to wake up? She's struggling, like she's trying to fight someone off. I hear her whimper again and then she whispers in Russian. I can only make out 'no' and 'stop'. The rest I can't understand. I feel awful for letting this happen, but my dad doesn't allow me to dwell on my thoughts, “She had to take it, son. She would have been taken away in an ambulance if she didn't.”

“You don't understand, dad. You don't know how bad these get. You haven't been there all the nights she's woken up screaming, the times she's been frantically looking for the blood she can smell, the nights she's puked her guts up because of the fear, the times she's thought she can smell the burning flesh. You haven't been here for all of that. It's one thing to be able to wake herself out of it, but to have to go through the whole nightmare, to relive all of those images until this stuff wears off? I don't know how that's going to affect her.”

I'm angry now. That rage that was just sitting below the surface, simmering, has now reared it's ugly head and it's boiling over. I clench my fists together and grit my teeth, in an attempt to press it down. It's not working. I try to take calming breaths and I briefly wonder if this is what Dani feels like when she's panicking. Completely out of control of her emotions, totally at the mercy of irrational thoughts.

I start pacing as I mutter things about Paul and how I want to kill him. “He touched her! I can't believe he touched her! I should chop off his hands and make him eat them. I should rip his head off. I seriously want to hurt someone. I want to go shoot something...”

My dad places his hand on my arm and I recoil from the harsh return to reality. “Son, calm down. You need to take some deep breaths.”

I grind out through clenched teeth, “It's not working. I want to kill him, dad. Do you understand that? Do you even know how that makes me feel? I'm so torn. I'm supposed to be a cop, a good cop, but here I am imagining ways I can kill Paul. I don't even know which way is up right now...”

“I know, I know. But you're going to be no help to either Dani or yourself if you can't get a grip on your emotions. You need to put it back in that little box and leave it there until you can handle it better.”

The box he's referring to is the box in my brain. The one that most, if not all, soldiers, emergency response workers and the like have. We use it to put all the heinous things we've seen in and we don't open that box unless absolutely necessary. You might think that its not even possible, but I assure you it is. I've seen awful things in combat and in my current job, and I don't release those thoughts if I can at all help it. They do pop out from time to time, but as a general rule, they stay hidden in that little box. We call it compartmentalizing.

“Dad, I'm having a real hard time putting this into the box. As of right now, that box is a little too full to take any more files. I need to go to the range. How long will she be out?”

“I don't know. Hours yet. Maybe til tomorrow, I can't say. Eli, are you seriously going to just leave her here on her own?”

“If I stay here I'm going to go crazy. When she wakes up, she'll think my anger is directed at her. That'll scare her even more. I just need to blow off some steam. I have to get it out or it's going to explode out of me.”

“You want me to stay with her?”

“No. Thanks, but no. She'll completely flip if she wakes up and you're in here. Maybe I should call Ash, she's less likely to freak out with him in here I guess. She'll be out for more than an hour, right?”

I can feel the rage burning in me. It actually feels like my skin is glowing like embers on a fire.

“I guess so. I can't promise anything Eli. For the record, I think you're making a huge mistake...”

“Duly noted, thanks. I won't be long.”

I grab my guns, my jacket and my badge before handing my dad his bag. I pick up Dani's keys and usher my dad out of the house. As I lock up, I thank my dad for his help and promise to call him as soon as Dani wakes up. I jog to my car and head to the precinct. You don't even want to know about the road rage I had during my drive. I will admit to not being a very nice person, that's all.

As I head into the building, I get looks from all the cops that are still on duty. I don't know if it's because I look like I'm on the warpath or if they've heard what happened, but I really couldn't care less at this moment. I only feel a slight pang of pity for Dani if they all know what happened. I bark at Simon, “Clear me a booth and give me maximum bullets.”

“Sure thing boss.”

I like that he doesn't ask questions, even though I can see them in his eyes. He knows something has gone down, and he wants to know about it. He's used to giving Dani our stats on a Friday, so I'm sure he is wondering where she was today. It's almost 11pm so the range is clear when I enter my booth. I load my gun and let all the bullets go. I hit the target in the head every single time. When my gun is empty, I load it again and empty it into the chest of the target. I do this maybe 5 or 6 times, each time unloading all the bullets, before Ash appears by my side.

As I reload, I hear him mutter, “Remind me never to get onto your bad side. Geez...”

My eyes flicker towards him before I empty the gun yet again. Once I feel calm enough to not bite his head off, I take a deep breath and remove the protectors from my ears. I don't speak, not really knowing what to say, so I wait for Ash to talk first. He doesn't fail to take up the challenge.

“How's Dani?”

“Honestly? Not good.”

“Why are you here then? Shouldn't you be with her?”

“My dad had to sedate her. She's sleeping. The anger was driving me insane. I couldn't take it any longer.”

“Understandable. Feel a bit better now?”

“Only a little. I want to kill him, Ash.”

“You're not the only one.”

“Has the Cap talked to you?”

“Yeah. He knew he couldn't talk to you about it, so he called me into his office yesterday. We're holding Paul.”

This piece of information shocks me. “Really?”

“Yeah. The Cap didn't want to bother you because you were dealing with Dani. You don't look good, Eli, I must admit.”

“Really? I mean, seriously? You expect me to look as fresh as daisy after everything? I haven't slept in 2 days Ash. I've been sitting up with Dani in the hope that she'll at least acknowledge my presence. I've been on edge, expecting some kind of explosion or reaction, but there's been nothing. Absolutely nothing. That worries me more than anything. It's like he's completely pushed her over the edge. Of course I don't look good.”

He holds his hands up in surrender and says, “Sorry, I'm just concerned. No need to bite my head off dude.”

I take a deep breath and apologize, “Sorry man. This whole things has got me severely worked up.”

“I understand that, man. I really do. Just don't take it out on me. I'm actually on your side.”

“I know. I'm sorry. How are you holding Paul? Did he make a confession?”

Ash scoffs, “Hell no. He's tight lipped about the whole thing. Well, expect for laying the blame solely on Dani. Dude, the vein in your neck is pulsing. Calm down. We all know it's not true.”

“Doesn't matter what we all say is true. If it gets to court they're going to have a field day with it. Dani's past is going to be thrown out there. Her whole life will be torn apart. Not to mention the fact that Cain dealt with him, after just being released from rehab for a drug addiction. She won't be able to take the stand, she won't be able to defend herself. The Cap isn't thinking about that stuff. He wants to punish Paul, and I do too, but not at the expense of punishing Dani as well. What are you holding him on? You must have something on him.”

Ash stiffens so I give him a cold stare, “Scott....”

He must know he's not going to win this one, because he says, “We've got the tape. There's a camera sitting on our floor, it's supposed to make sure the Captain's office is protected. But the whole thing is caught in the corner of the... Eli?”

I don't even let Ash finish what he's saying. I collect the unused ammo, my gun and the ear protectors before hightailing it out of the range. I throw the ammo and protectors at Simon shooting a thanks over my shoulder before heading to the Cap's office. I know he's still here. Ash wouldn't be here if he wasn't. I give a swift knock on the door and walk in. I'm met with the shocked faces of the Cap and Cain.

I stare at both of them before turning my attention to Cain first. I didn't call him to thank him. I just couldn't face talking to anyone, so I didn't make any calls. I squeeze his shoulder briefly before gruffly saying, “Thank you, man. Really, just, thanks.”

“No need to thank me. I'd do it again in a heartbeat. How is she?”

“Sleeping.” No need to elaborate on that. They don't need to know the details. Ash appears in the doorway looking pretty annoyed with me. “Sorry Cap. He pulled rank on me...”

“No worries, Ash. I think we're overdue a talk anyway. Did you make sure the weapons are locked up?”

“Yes sir.”

“Good. You can go then.”

“Eli, I'll wait for you outside. Night guys.”

As Ash closes the door over, I look at the Cap and try to stem my anger. “You have footage? And you didn't tell me?”

“I didn't think you'd be up to watching it, even though you'd feel obligated to do it. I think you're too invested in this, Eli. You need to take a step back and let us deal with it. We're going to deal with it, I promise.”

“I want to see it. I need to see it.”

“No, you don't. You don't want to see it.”

“You have no idea what I've been through the last 2 days, so you have no right to tell me I don't want to see it. I need to watch it. I have to know what happened to know what I'm trying to fix.”

I'm starting to unravel at the seams again. I can't lose it with my Captain, so I take a deep breath and try to centre myself. I soften my tone and say, “Look Cap, I know Dani better than anyone. I know what we're dealing with here. I know about the past, I know more than anyone here. So please, don't tell me what is best for her or me. I'm the one who will be dealing with the repercussions, and I need to know what I'm fighting. Please Cap.”

He mulls it over for a few minutes and then he says, “Cain, thank you for popping in. Any chance you can stop by on Monday? I need to go through a few more things with you, but I think I need to speak to Eli first.”

“Sure thing, Cap. Eli, send Dani my regards. For what it's worth, I was pretty rough with him. I know it doesn't make the situation any better, but I do want you to know he got the same treatment you gave me.”

“Thanks Cain and I'll tell Dani. I'll probably see you on Monday. Take care of yourself. And thanks again.”

“No worries.”

After he leaves, I sit on the edge of the Cap's desk. I raise my eyebrows at him and he sighs deeply. “Eli, I have to warn you, it's not pretty.”

I'm actually exasperated. Does he really think I'm expecting it to be all flowers and sunshine?

“Cap, I have to see it. We need to talk about the whole issue as well. I have some deep concerns. Show me it.”

I watch the tape in silence. The Cap was right; it's not pretty. Heck, that's a complete understatement. With the way he's grinding against Dani and groping at her, Paul's all but raped her. How it escalated so quickly I will never know. He was there about 5 minutes or so, maybe 7. I can't judge the time correctly because my blood pressure is through the roof and I'm back to where I was when I arrived here. After the Cap switches the screen off, I take a few minutes to compose myself.

“Eli?”

I grit out, “Yes sir?”

“You in control?” He knows not to ask me if I'm ok, because clearly I'm not.

“Yes sir, just about.”

“Right. Can you talk now? Or do you want to wait for a few days?”

“No sir, let's talk now.”

“Ok. I'm sure Ash told you we're holding Paul. When we saw the footage, we knew we had enough to hold him without Dani pressing charges. He's lawyered up and he's keeping his mouth shut. I have Ash going through the old footage to see if he can find any other encounters. I didn't think you or Dani would be comfortable with anyone else doing it.”

“No, you're right. Thanks. However, my concern is about processing this. Obviously, I can't have anything to do with it because I'm Dani's friend. I'm going to be straight down the line with you here, Cap. The things is, her past is somewhat shady. Taking the drugs out of it, it's not something you want broadcast in court. It's also not something she wants aired out. It's something she's ashamed of, but not something she had control of. Basically she was forced into a very compromising situation and it's haunting her. I don't want to say any more on the issue. The problem with all of this is, by punishing Paul in public, through the courts, whatever, you're going to punish Dani way more than him. Once her past comes out, it'll throw everything out and he'll be let off. You can't do this to her. It's not because I don't want him punished, I want that more than anyone, trust me. I just don't want it to kill Dani in the process. She's only just hanging on by a thread and this will fully push her over the edge. I'm begging you here, Cap, please don't do this.”

“I can't just let this go, son. Cain and I saw it, we know what happened. We have the tape to prove it. If we don't do something about it we're not doing our jobs. We're allowing crime to happen in our house. If we start covering up for our own, then we have no right to arrest anyone.”

“I know that, Cap. Don't you think I've been battling with this? This isn't me; I'm not one to cover things up. But I care about Dani and if we take this public, it will actually kill her. She will take her own life Cap. Do you understand how serious this is? I'm not kidding around here. She will kill herself.”

He stares at me for a minute or two and then his brows furrow in concern. “That bad?”

“Yes sir. You have no idea. I don't want to reveal everything, but I need you to see how serious this is.”

He's silent again, in thought. Eventually he says, “I can't make any promises Eli. My only solution right now is for Ash to check the tapes and see what he comes up with. We haven't told Paul about the tapes, for obvious reasons. If we get any more evidence, we'll approach him and see if he'll take a deal.”

“You have to make it look like it's to benefit him. He's desperate to know about Dani's past and if he thinks you're doing it to protect her, then he won't take it. He'll let it go to court to see what he can find out. I think you should let Cain talk to him. Paul knows there's bad blood between them, so he won't suspect Cain is protecting Dani. Make it look like we're trying to save him getting a harsher punishment because he's part of the team.”

Saying those last words makee me feel sick to my stomach.

“I'll go along with that. But, and this is where I have to draw the line, if he doesn't go for it then I will seek full punishment. I'm not having a dirty house. If that means you have to run away with Dani, then so be it. But I'm not having corruption in my house. You understand me?”

“Yes sir. Just push the deal. He'll take it if you sell it properly. You just have to make him think it's in his best interest.”

“You can talk Cain through it on Monday. If he agrees to do it, then you can guide him through it. Ok?”

“Yes sir. Thanks Cap. I need to get back to Dani. I'll be in on Monday.”

“Take your time. Just make sure she's ok.”

I nod and head out of the office. Ash is waiting at Dani's desk, just like he said. We travel in the elevator in silence. Once we're in my car, he asks how the conversation with the Cap went. I fill him in, leaving out the information I let slip about Dani's past. He doesn't need to know any of that. I drop him home, promising to call him tomorrow. I think he feels like he should be doing something to help me out. What he doesn't realize is that he's already helped me. Having him review the tapes and having my back is more help than he knows.

It's nearly 1am when I step in Dani's front door. I'm tired and worn down. I'm worried about Dani and I feel guilty about leaving her here on her own. She's still asleep, but that doesn't ease my guilt. My rage was consuming me and I needed to release it. If I didn't go to the precinct I would never have seen the footage. I wouldn't have talked to the Captain about Paul. That was a conversation that needed to happen sooner rather than later.

While Dani's asleep, I take the opportunity to shower and get changed into an under shirt and some sweats. I pick Dani up carefully and place her in her bed. I know she's not going to wake up any time soon, and I need to be close to her, so I take a chance and lay down next to her. I'm not touching her, but I can hear her breathing. I know she's next to me and she's safe for now. That's all I need right now.



END of Eli's POV



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