Chapter Forty-Three



Ash leaves at 1am, promising to check in later on. I grab a quick shower before heading into Dani's room. When I'm ready for bed, I stand at the end of her bed just watching her. Thankfully she's quiet at the moment. I'm having an internal battle on whether I should take the chair or the bed. I wrestle with the idea for a little while and then I just decide to take the bed. It might be the last time I'll get to do this and after last night, sharing a bed with Dani is something I've quickly learned to enjoy. How that's even possible, I do not know. But after one night my body has become accustomed to having her next to me. I tell myself it's just because I need to know she's ok, but it's not a very convincing argument, even to me. Since when did I get so emotional? I'm a freakin' Ranger, Special Ops and everything. My Army CO would have a cow at the emotional mess I've become.

I let out a deep breath as I tuck Dani against my side. I hear her whimper and tense up, but she doesn't back off like she did earlier. I barely close my eyes before sleep takes ahold of me.

END of Eli's POV

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I feel my body jump and tense up and a scream is begging to be released from my mouth, but I feel too groggy and lethargic. My head is pounding and I feel like a lead weight is sitting on me. I open my eyes a crack and the light is far too bright so I quickly shut them again. I haven't felt this awful since I was drugged in that horrible place. That starts a panic in me and I grapple with my senses and my body to make myself wake up. I'm fighting through the lethargy when I'm certain there's an actual weight on my side, like I'm being pinned down. I don't like being restrained and I fight to get loose, but I'm not awake enough and the weight is far too heavy for me to move. There's tears stinging my eyes and I feel totally helpless. I have no idea where I am or what's going on, which only adds to my panic. I try to increase my alertness and struggle against the weight again. Just as I feel my panic rising, I hear myself repeating the word 'no' over and over again as I struggle. When I think I'm going to completely lose it, the weight moves, rather quickly I might add. I scoot as far away as I can, falling onto the floor in the process.

Through the pain and my groggy state, I hear a voice say, “Dang it! Dani, I'm soooo sorry. Baby, are you ok?”

My breathing is off the chart and out of the corner of my eye I see a pair of socked feet enter my line of vision. I nearly scream, “No! Don't touch me! Go away!”

“Dani? It's me. It's Eli...”

“NO!! GO AWAY!!”

“You need to calm down, sweetheart. I'm going to move away, but I'm not leaving the room. I'm not leaving you in this state. You need to calm down, Dani. I'm not going to touch you or go near you, but you need to listen to my voice.”

I hear my pathetic voice pleading, “Please... Just leave me... Please....”

“I'm sorry baby, I can't do that. I need to make sure you're ok. I need you to listen to me. Just concentrate on your breathing right now...”

I know that voice; I'm sure I do. But my brain is completely fogged up and I can't even see straight right now. He was on the bed? He was on the bed?! What happened?! What day is it? Where am I? I have no idea what's going on or even where I am. I take a quick glance at my surroundings, making sure I don't look at the source of my panic. I'm at home, thank goodness for that. At least I'm not back there again. I feel my fingers start to tingle and I fight with myself to stay conscious. I count out loud and I hear the vaguely familiar voice say, “That's it, baby. Count your breaths. That's it. Just calm down.”

I count for a little while, still sitting on the floor. I don't know how long I sit there, but I hear the voice say, “Are you ok, firefly? Did you hurt yourself when you fell?”

Firefly? I seriously need to get my head together. This guy obviously knows me well enough to know my poppa's nickname for me. I need to get my stuff together; this is not safe. Why do I feel so... drugged...?

“Don't you remember?”

“Remember?”

“Why you feel so drugged?”

“How did you...?”

“You were thinking out loud. Do you even know who I am right now?”

Oh no! What else have I said out loud?

“Pretty much everything. I'm sorry I was on the bed and I'm so sorry I scared you. I didn't mean to. You were so restless that I didn't know what else to do. I'm sorry.”

I can't even speak. I can't trust myself to think, seeing as I keep thinking out loud.

“I don't mind if you keep thinking out loud, honestly. It's actually quite refreshing to know what's going on in your head for once.”

I nearly growl out, “Stop it, Dani. Just stop.” I grab my head and try to make the pounding stop. I don't feel so good. I feel like my brain is suppressing something and I need it to stop trying to figure everything out.

“Do you know who I am now?”

I don't know anything right now.

I must have said that out loud again, because I hear him say, “It's Eli. I've been here with you for the past few months...”

I inhale a sharp breath, and just like that, everything hits me all at once. It's all too much for my brain and my heart to take and I cry out from the physical pain of it all. I can feel myself shaking uncontrollably and I don't know what to do or how to process everything.

“Dani, you need to try to calm down. It's ok, you're safe now. I know that probably doesn't mean very much because you can't escape your mind, but you're at home and it's just us here. Please calm down, baby...”

“I... He... Oh no...! He....!”

“I know, baby, I know. He's nowhere near here. Please calm down...”

All that time of having nothing, no emotions, no way to express my thoughts and feelings, it's now coming to a head and I feel like everything is going explode out of me. I don't know how to cope with such a rush of emotions, especially when I don't know where my head is at. It's like there cotton wool and water inside my brain or something. I think I'm going to be sick, so I attempt to stand. My limbs are not completely awake yet and I stumble and fall down again. Eli rushes over to me, but I almost scream at him to stay away. I'm sure I shouldn't behave this way, but I really don't feel like myself at the moment.

How am I supposed to run away if I can't even get my legs to work? How am I supposed to protect myself?

“Dani, I'm here to protect you. You don't need to run away from me. I'm not going to move. Do you think you can try to move slowly? Just try to get your footing before you try to rush anywhere...”

I am going slowly. I can't exactly move fast when I feel like I've been pumped with ketamine. I'd give a limb for some of that right now...

“You really want more drugs?”

I'm confused. Where did that come from?

“You said you wanted some ketamine... I'm not going to lie and say I'm happy about that...”

I drop my head even further. I should ashamed of such an admission.

“No, you shouldn't be ashamed. I like that you're being honest with me. Even if you don't mean it. How are you doing now?”

I hesitate, not really knowing what to say. I don't actually know how I am. I manage to stutter, “I... I... I'm gonna be sick...”

I jump up again and grab onto the bed, trying to stand properly. I can't do it. My brain won't tell my legs what to do and I'm not quick enough, so I puke all over the bed clothes. This seems to clear my head a little bit and I fly away from the bed and Eli, apologizing profusely.

“Hey, hey. You don't need to apologize. It's not surprising your body doesn't know how else to react after everything. You awake enough to grab a shower? Actually, maybe it's not a good idea just yet. I'm worried your reaction time isn't good enough yet. Why don't you go clean up a little and I'll deal with this?”

I don't argue. I just crawl (and I do mean hands and knees crawl) to the en suite to try to clean myself up. I close the door and hug the toilet, bringing up more of the contents of my stomach. It's pretty much all stomach acid and I wonder how long ago I ate. The thought of food makes me heave again and I end up just resting my cheek against the cold tiles on the floor, sobbing.

My body is completely out of whack. The thought of Paul touching me, the sedation, the fear and the memories from all of my nightmares is just far too much for me to take in. I'm lethargic and my reflexes are pretty much non existent. Just as I think my sobs are subsiding, I remember the dreams about my parents. I see my poppa's face as he's staring at me with glassy eyes, dead. Another sob rips through my body, causing an almost primal/animal sound to escape from my mouth.





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Eli's POV



I just put the bed linen into the machine when I pick up my cell. I dial my dad's number and he picks up after the third ring. “Eli? Is everything ok?”

“She's awake.”

“How is she?”

“Not particularly great to be honest. She's really lethargic and she didn't know where she was or who I was at first. She's not with it at all and her legs are like jello.”

“That's to be expected. She's dehydrated and she needs food. Are you worried?”

“She's been sick a few times, but I don't know if that's the sedation or the memories.”

“Probably a bit of both. Sedation can make people vomit. Do you want me to come over there?”

The most heartbreaking sound has just come from the bathroom and I need to check what's going on.

“Dad, I gotta go...”

“Eli...?”

I hang up and rush to the bathroom. I knock on the door and call Dani's nae, but I just hear the sobs wracking through her body. I carefully walk into the bathroom and find her laying on the floor, scrunched into a ball, sobbing. Just like I found her all those months ago after a nightmare.

“Baby? I'm going to sit down next to you, ok?”

I carefully approach her, but I don't think she realizes I'm even here. I gingerly reach out and run my fingers through her hair. Through her sobs I hear her whisper, “Momma?”

I can hear unshed tears in her voice and it tugs at my heart. I whisper, “No Dani, it's Eli. It's ok, baby. I'm here...”

And just like that a light seems to switch on and she questions, “Eli?”

“Yes baby, it's me. I'm here. I've got you...”

“They're dead Eli. They're dead. I saw him.... He's dead...”

It's like she's living this for the first time all over again. What am I supposed to say? There's nothing I can say or do to make that better, to ease that pain.

“I know, baby. I know they are, but you're ok. I've got you and I'm not going anywhere, I promise. It's ok, sweetheart. It's going to be ok. Just let it all out...”



And she does. She just sobs; the most heart wrenching sobs. And I'm not ashamed to admit that I shared a few tears with her. I'd be as cold hearted as the people who took her if I didn't feel some sorrow at her broken heart.