Chapter Forty-Five



Don tells Eli and I about the Lorazepam, explaining the routine and what we should expect. I'm supposed to have a low dose every 12 hours for the next four days and then an increased dose for the next two weeks. Don seems to think that this will keep the anxiety to a minimum. I'm not convinced about that, but I'm not going to say anything.

Don looks at Eli and then says, “I'd feel happier keeping the medication with me. I'll give you two vials and I'll pop in daily to give you the next two doses. I think that's the best option.”

Eli agrees with him and I don't know how I feel about that. On one hand, I know they shouldn't trust me with drugs around, but on the other hand I feel a bit upset by them insinuating that I'm just going to down all the meds. I haven't touched anything since Eli has been around, but even I wouldn't trust me so I really shouldn't be upset by the fact they don't trust me either.

Don continues, “I think it will be most effective if you inject into a vein, Dani. But if you don't want to do that, I'll understand. You can do a more concentrated dose straight into a muscle if you'd prefer. It needs to be a big muscle, like your thigh though.”

I quickly say, “Vein.”

Knowing that one of them will want/need to watch me to ensure I'm taking the drug. I'm not having them watch me inject into my thigh. I hear Eli let out a deep breath, like he'd been holding it in anticipation or something. I also hear him mutter, “Thank you.” He obviously doesn't want me to inject into the thigh either. I don't think I was supposed to hear that though, because he looks up at me and I see a tinge of pink on his cheeks. My expression must have given it away that I'd heard. Don doesn't comment so I guess he didn't hear.

After Don gives Eli the drugs, ensures that we're both ok and is satisfied with our responses, he leaves us for the evening. I let out a huge sigh of relief once Eli has locked the door and I rest my head on the back of the couch. Eli chuckles and says, “I thought he was never going to leave...”

I don't respond to that; there's nothing I can say that won't be taken the wrong way.

“How you doing, Dani? Really, I mean.”

I shrug and reply, “I don't know. It's all too much... I don't know what to think or how to process it all...”

“That's understandable. I have to go back to work tomorrow. I'm sorry.”

“It's ok.”

“Will you be ok on your own? I can get my mom or Ash to come and sit with you if you'd prefer that.”

“No sir, it's ok. I'll be ok.”

“Ok, but if you change your mind just let me know. Ok?'

“Yes sir.”

“I'm going to grab a shower, if that's ok...”

“Sure.”

As Eli showers, I clean up the kitchen all the while I'm eyeing the drugs that Don has left on the work top. Yep, they were right not to trust me because I just want to take both doses right now. I wonder what that would even do to me. Surely after everything I've taken it won't do me any harm, right? I mean, I've taken some pretty hard core drugs in my time, this should be like taking Tylenol for me.

As I'm contemplating this, Eli steps into my line of vision, making me jump.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. You were almost burning a hole in those vials you were staring at them so hard. You really don't want to take them that much?”

“I was just lost in thought, sorry.”

“Anything you want to share?”

I drop my head and whisper, “No sir.”

He doesn't make a big deal out of it. He just passes over it and asks me if I'd like to watch a movie. So we settle down to watch the next 'Lord of the Rings'. It's a pretty safe option for viewing and it's just after midnight when the movie ends and we head to bed.

As I stand at my bedroom door, Eli says, “Dani, you need to take the meds before you go to sleep. Why don't you get ready for bed and I'll bring the syringe in to you?”

“Yes sir.”

When Eli returns, I'm just sitting on the edge of the bed, wringing my hands together. “What's up, sweetheart?”

I tense up at his presence but don't move. I whisper, “Do you think this is actually going to work?”

He sighs, “I don't know, baby. But we've got to try, haven't we? We can't just do nothing. You can't carry on living like this, Dani. We have to try something. Let's just go into this with an open mind and see what happens, ok?”

I nod, but he's not really the one who is trying it, is he? I'm the one who is putting the drugs into my system. I'm the one who is risking getting addicted. I'm the one who is breaking every promise I have made to myself in the last 2 or 3 years. I'm the one who is risking my sanity and is going against my 'no drugs' rule. But I don't say any of this. I can't tell him any of this because that isn't becoming. It isn't the right thing to do. It's not what is expected of me. I've learned enough in this life to know that the less you say and the less fight you put up, the easier things go. Trust me when I say this, it makes it easier but it doesn't hurt you less on the inside. The physical pain might not be as bad, but it eats you up inside. When you've been broken physically, you will do practically anything to make it stop; to ease that pain even if it's just a little. Even if it means making that mental and emotional pain greater. The less someone else can hurt you, the better.

I'm pondering all of this as Eli just watches me. He brings me out of my daze by touching my shoulder. I jump up and away from him, breathing heavily.

“Sorry Dani. I tried calling you, but you didn't hear me. I'm sorry. You just looked so conflicted and I didn't want you to get stuck in your thoughts. You sure you don't want to talk about it? Even if you think I don't want to hear it. You can tell me anything, and I do mean anything.”

“It's ok.”

I hear him sigh and let out a quiet sound of frustration. This confuses me. I can't seem to grasp the fact that he actually does want me to share things with him. I can't believe he really is interested in what I'm thinking or feeling. No one else has ever been concerned with that before so the concept is completely foreign to me.

Eli places the syringe on the edge of the bed and I slowly pick it up. I told them I would do this so I can't back out now. As I roll up my left sleeve, I feel Eli's gaze on me. I glance up and I meet his eyes briefly; something that doesn't happen often as I'm not confident enough to do so. He takes in a sharp breath and I stop what I'm doing. I automatically assume he's shocked by the scars on my arms and I make an attempt to cover them up.

It's like Eli knows what I'm thinking, because he quickly says, “Stop. Don't cover them. I wasn't even looking at them. I was thinking about your eyes. I don't get to see them properly very often and your full gaze just stopped me in my tracks.”

I'm shocked and a little touched by his honesty, which makes me feel bad for being so closed off with him. My hands shake and I make an attempt at breaking the wall it seems I have just thrown up by whispering, “I can't do this... I can't...”

“Do you mean you can't do it at all or you just can't put the needle in?”

“I can't put the needle in... My hands; they're shaking too much...”

“Ok. I can do it, but I need to know you're ok with that.”

I think for a few seconds and I nod ever so slightly. Eli slowly kneels in front of me on the floor and he gently takes the syringe in his hand. He carefully takes my hand in his and extends my arm so he can see my vein. I watch him closely, not wanting to see what he's doing. I just watch the pure concentration on his face and the sadness in his eyes. I feel the pinch and the cold liquid entering my system, but I don't feel the effects. There's no 'quick fix' like all the other drugs I've taken. This is something that will slowly release into my system.

Eli doesn't let go of my hand right away. I feel him tracing his fingers over the scars on my arm. I'm not comfortable with such a gesture, but I also can't seem to tear myself away from him. It's not out of fear either. There's some form of magnetism holding me in my place, not even allowing me to look away from his face. I can see such a conflict of emotions dance across his face and through his eyes as I watch. His voice brings me out of my trance.

“Will you ever tell me what caused these?”

I do something completely out of character for me; I place my right hand on his hand, effectively stopping him from running his fingers over my scars. I answer as honestly as I can, because I don't really want to lie to him. “I don't know.”

He shoots me a sad smile and replies, “At least that's not a flat out no. I only want to help, sweetheart.”

“I know.”

“Do you? Do you really know that?”

He's not accusing. More like desperately begging me to give him a truthful answer.

“I know that you think that. I know that you truly believe that.”

“But? There's a but here, right?”

“As soon as I say those words, that's it. Everything changes. You won't look at me the same way. It doesn't matter how much you say it's not going to change what you think, it will. There's no turning back when I tell you. What I think about myself is one thing, but if you look at me like that? If you think those same things? That right there will break me. That will hurt me so bad that I don't even want to risk it or think about it.”

Wow, is that stuff a truth serum? Where did any of that even come from? Something whispers inside of me, 'Your heart. You'd be lost without this man. Don't lose him.'

Eli looks like he wants to say something, but instead he just squeezes my hand gently and whispers, “Ok. If it's going to hurt you too much, then I'll quit asking. Do I still get my one question a day though?”

I thought he'd forgotten about that. During the last few weeks, he hasn't really asked me too many questions. Maybe it's because he's seen how on edge I am.

“Yes sir.”



“Good. Get some sleep, Dani. I've gotta leave at 6, but I'll let you know when I'm going.”