Hey guys. So, I have a new cover, courtesy of Egholm. I really love it, so thank you for taking the time to make it for me. I don't know how to dedicate a chapter, but this chapter is for you Egholm.

I really have to thank you all for your support and kind words, they really do mean a lot to me. Anyways, enough of my babbling, on to the chapter! :)



Chapter Fifty-Three



Dani

We're eating in silence, but it isn't a comfortable silence. Yesterday changed everything, it seems. I pick at my food and I can feel Eli's gaze on me. Sure enough, when I glance up Eli is watching me closely. I feel my cheeks heat up out of embarrassment. He mouths, “You ok?” I shrug, not really knowing the answer to that. So much has happened in 2 days and I don't really know how to process it all. Because of the drugs, my mind isn't able to analyze it the same way it usually would.

Eli whispers, “You need to eat something, baby. Do you want us to go into the living room?”

I shake my head; that would be too obvious. Besides, I just don't really want to eat. I'm not particularly hungry, that's all. I hear a fork settle on a plate and I glance up to see Don sitting back in his seat. He smiles at me and says, “I'll just cut through the silence and start, shall I? I didn't want to talk about medication while we're eating, but if you're ok with it then I'll just carry on.”

“Yes sir.”

“Ok. So, your last dose of this particular drug will be tonight. Eli says you've been doing quite well on this course. Would you agree, Dani?”

“Yes sir.”

“How does it help?”

Is he for real? He wants me to break it all down? I hardly talk to the man and now he wants me to explain the workings of my mind to him. I tense up and I can feel myself panicking. No words will leave my mouth because I'm so concerned about freaking out, or trying not to freak out as the case may be. Eli sees my struggle and he says, “The panic attacks aren't as bad as they used to be, are they? We seems to be able to manage them better and I think you're having less of them, right?”

I quickly nod, not able to speak yet. Eli reaches across the table and places his hand in front of me, in the middle of the table. I tentatively place my hand in his and I feel some of the panic leave my body. Eli is here; nothing is going to happen. Eli is with me. He'll make sure I'm ok. I keep telling myself this to keep the panic at bay.

Don asks, “What about the nightmares? Any change there?”

I shrug, so Eli says, “She seems to be getting a bit more sleep. I don't know if that means the nightmares are less or if they're just not as intense.”

I stare at Eli's and my hand as I say, “My brain doesn't react the same way. Like it's a few steps behind the pictures.”

“Does that make them easier to deal with?”

“I don't know. It's a weird feeling.”

“But you've both seen a positive change? Things have been easier?”

I nod and Eli replies, “Yes sir. Things have been calmer.”

“Good. Based on that, I'd like to change our action plan. I was going to give you a few weeks break and go from there, but I don't want to do that now. I'd like to try a drug called Modecate. It's a long term, slow releasing drug. Basically what happens is, it gets injected deep into your thigh muscle and over the course of a few weeks the drug is slowly released into your system. The usual starting dose is around 12.5 milligrams, but I think that'll be too low for you. I'm going to start you at 30 milligrams and we'll see how we get on. We'll increase or decrease the dose as we need to. Is that ok with you?”

“Is it addictive?”

“No ma'am. Although, you'll probably need to be on this drug long term, it is a very safe drug. Sometimes symptoms don't return for 3 to 6 months after you stop the drug, so we need to make sure you've worked through the issues properly before we take you off it completely. I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but I believe it is the best option for you. It will help you and it will give you a better quality of life. If you don't want to take this, all you have to do is say so. I'll find something else but it may just take me some time to figure it out. You just tell me what you want. It's your decision.”

Wow, if he's telling the truth then that's a novel thing. Something that is my decision. That doesn't happen very often, not with big things anyway. So many choices have been taken away from me that it seems strange to be able to have the deciding voice on this. The problem is, now I have a decision to make, I can't actually do it. I don't know what to say. I want the drugs but is that because I want to get better or is it because I like the feeling they give me? My brain has been quieter and things have been more manageable, so while I may not be addicted to the actual drug, maybe I am addicted to the feeling it gives me. That thought has me second guessing my motives for wanting to take this drug.

I can feel Eli's eyes on me and I'm not quite comfortable with it. I release his hand and whisper, “I need the bathroom, sorry.”

I quickly escape and head for my bedroom. Instead of going into the bathroom, I pace the length of my room ranting quietly in Russian. Everything seems to be happening too fast. Don wants a decision now but I don't know if my rose tinted glasses are talking me into taking the drug. I don't know if it's the right thing to do. I don't want to go back to those days; the desperation for a drug, any drug, just to take the edge off. I don't want to go back to not being able to control my own body. I mean, I know I have panic attacks and there are times now when I'm not in control, but for the most part, I control what my body does. Going back to an addiction will strip me of that control all over again.

I don't know how long I'm there, ranting, but I hear Eli clear his throat and I jump about a foot in the air. I freeze my pacing and my talking. He carefully steps into the room and simply says, “Talk to me.”

I hesitate but then take a leap of faith and tell him my fears over this whole matter. When I've finished talking, he nods and purses his lips together before speaking.

“I think it's only natural for you to be apprehensive about this. However, if my dad says it's safe and it's going to help you then I'd go with that. He was right about the first drug, wasn't he? I understand that you're worried about getting addicted to the feeling, but surely dealing with the other issues takes priority, doesn't it? If we can deal with the other problems first, then coming off the drugs won't be so bad. You won't have to cope with the things that make normal life so difficult because we'll have worked through them already. Does that make sense? I know I'm probably not explaining myself all that well here.”

“I understand. I guess it's all a bit scary and overwhelming. It's a big decision to make. There's no going back once I start this.”

“You're not on your own, Dani. I'm right here and I'm definitely not going anywhere. Isn't this as good a time as any to start making life choices for yourself? What, you think I didn't notice that? I know you feel like everyone else has made choices for you in life. Now's the time to start making them for yourself. If you don't want to do this, we'll figure it out another way. You tell me what you want and I'll make it happen...”

I whisper, “I want to be ok...”

“We're working on that. Does that mean you'll start this course?”

I nod and once I see the smile on his face, it actually feels like a weight has been lifted off my chest. Like a little bit of that panic I felt earlier has been taken away.

“And you're sure about this? Do this for your benefit, not mine or my dad's.”

“I'm sure.”

Well, as certain as I'll ever be about something. I'll always second guess myself throughout life. I'll never trust that anything is the right or safe decision but that's something I'm going to have to learn to deal with.



Eli

Once my dad makes sure Dani has administered the Modecate properly, he gets ready to leave. Thankfully he assured us that the needle would be fine to go through Dani's clothes. I know she would have refused to do it otherwise. I would have refused it as well. Mainly because I don't want Dani to feel degraded or frightened like that, but also because I couldn't handle seeing her that way. Of course I want to see her in her entirety, but not like that. I want her to be ready and to trust me enough to show me all of her, not because she has to take a drug.

The car ride with my dad is silent at first, neither of us wanting to approach the elephant in the room. Eventually I say, “That guy, you must never allow him into the house again. If you see him anywhere near the property, you need to let Ash or I know immediately.”

“What was that all about, son?”

“He was a.... He hurt Dani...”

I nearly gave it all away there. I was about to say a client, but then he'd know way too much. Dani wouldn't want that.

“I gathered she knew him. He recognized her, didn't he?”

“Yeah.”

“So, what are we dealing with, Eli? What's the risk?”

I told him pretty much the same thing I told Ash, knowing he'd need to know we could be in danger. He'll want to protect my mom as well as himself. He lets out a sharp breath and says the words that none of us have wanted to say out loud. “She was part of a sex trafficking ring? Geez, Eli, that's some pretty heavy stuff. No wonder she has nightmares. How is this going to play out? If they find her, they'll kill her and you...”

“I know. That's why I have to protect her. I'm trying to find this guy so I can lock him up for something, anything to get him out of the way. And don't even talk to me about Ty. I want to hurt him for putting us in that position...”

“He wasn't to know, son. If this Artur guy is one of his work colleagues, then Ty wasn't to know anything was amiss. Besides, no one knows about the issues you guys have, so of course he wouldn't even think about it. I'll call Ty and see if I can get the guy's full name. I'll get what info I can and I'll let you know. You need to be careful, Eli.”

“I know. I'm triple checking for tails and I'm keeping extra weapons with me. Once Dani is a bit more level headed then I'm going to teach her how to shoot. I'll get her a gun and license so she has some form of protection when I'm not around or if anything happens to me. I should teach her to drive as well, just in case.”

“Don't bombard the poor girl. I'm sure she's already scared, but if you start putting all of that on her, she'll know you're scared as well. As soon as you let your know you're worried, she'll panic. At the moment, she thinks you're going to protect her from them. Don't destroy that image she has of you. Take a step back and clear your head before moving forward. Don't forget your training, son.”

I let out a deep breath, “I'm trying, but it's really hard when someone you care about is in danger. Seeing Dani hurting is one thing, but to know that her life could actually be in danger is another matter completely. I just want to hunt them down and kill them, but I can't. I don't have a clue who I'm looking for. I don't even know what any of them look like, except for this Artur guy. They could be anywhere and everywhere and I don't even know it. All I know is that Dani changes when she sees one of them. I just have to trust my instincts and her reactions. That's all I've got to go on at the moment.”

“You've got no other information?”

I shake my head, “I've got a file at home on an old case we kicked to organized crime a few months ago. I need to check that out, but the only other info I have is that it was the Russian Mob. That's it. No names or anything.”

“No location either?”

“Nope. Nothing.”

“Right. Take a look at that file and I'll talk to Ty. Hopefully that will start the ball rolling. Maybe you can pop in for a training session tomorrow evening and we can get our heads together.”

“What about Dani? I don't really want to leave her too long.”

“She can join you. I'm sure your mom wouldn't mind spending some time with her.”

“I'll see. Thanks dad.”

“Don't mention it. Be careful, Eli, and call me.”

I'm extra careful on my drive back to Dani's. In this kind of situation it helps to be at least a little paranoid.