Chapter Fifty-Seven



Dani



It's been two weeks since the incident with Eli's mom. We haven't been back since, which I'm thankful for. I don't know if I can deal with the embarrassment to be honest. Even if they can forget it and carry on, I know that I can't. The drugs seem to have kicked in a bit better, so my panic attacks are easier to manage. Eli's been working late with Ash most of the time. He drops me home, goes back to work and then gets back home close to midnight. I don't know what they're working on, and I don't want to ask. I've heard him talking to someone called Arrow on the phone, but I don't know what it's about. Maybe the whole working late thing is for this Arrow person.

Work has been crazy busy. It seems like coming up to Thanksgiving sends people to do stupid things. We've had a number of hostage situations and a few bank robberies. It's all been absolutely crazy.

It's a Saturday evening and Eli has been out with Ash again. I honestly don't mind him going out with his friends, but I do get a bit lonely now when I'm on my own. I've become so used to Eli's company that I miss it when he's not around. I'm not going to tell him this though, because I don't want him to feel like he has to choose between his friends and me.

I'm just setting dinner out when Eli sighs and says, “Dani? I want to talk to you about something...”

I tense up, expecting the worst. I hate these kind of moments. I never know what's going to happen or what's going to be said.

“Don't worry, baby, it's nothing bad. I promise. I want to teach you to shoot. I've got you a gun license and a gun, but I have to teach you to shoot in the range before I can hand it over to you...”

My eyes widen in surprise and also from confusion, so he explains.

“I want you to be able to protect yourself if I'm not here. There's going to be times I have to work late, or times I'll be called out in the middle of the night. You know what this job is like. We never know if or when we're going to get a terror call. I just want you to be prepared if anything was to happen. Even if it's just an intruder, I want you to be prepared. Are you willing to let me teach you?”

I think about it for a few minutes. It would be better if I can shoot for myself. I won't have to rely on Eli so much to protect me.

“Ok.”

“Good. We'll go tomorrow? It that ok with you?”

“Yes sir. Eli?”

“Yeah?”

“Could we go to the cemetery again please?”

“Sure. You want to go first thing in the morning?”

“If that's ok.”

“Sure thing. I've got to meet up with an old army buddy tomorrow night for dinner. I didn't think you'd want me to meet him back here, so we'll go to mine for dinner.”

I don't know if I'm relieved at this or disappointed with myself. Eli must see the conflicting emotions on my face because he questions me about it.

“I'm sorry, Eli. I'm sorry I can't be normal and meet your friends. I'm sorry you can't bring people back here. I'm just sorry I'm not normal...”

“Baby, you don't need to apologize. It's not a problem. I'd rather you feel safe than try to accommodate me and my friends. If you don't want people to come here, then that's fine with me. I didn't want to ask and make you feel uncomfortable, but I did want to let you know I won't be home til late again. Ok?”

“Ok.”

We leave for the cemetery at 5:30am, just to make sure there isn't a lot of people there when we arrive. I don't really know why I want to visit my parents' grave again. I mean, I went for years without even knowing if they had one, so I don't know why I needed to visit twice in one year.

As I sit by their headstone, I whisper in Russian, “You were right Poppa. He is a good man. I just needed to listen to you and him. If you have any control over things, please don't let any harm come to him. I don't want him to get hurt because of my past. Please Poppa. I am so sorry for all of the awful things I have done. I never meant for any of that to happen, I promise. I'm sorry I couldn't make you proud. I'm sorry I still can't make you proud. I love both of you and I understand if you can never forgive me for all the things I've done. I just want you both to know I miss you and I love you.”

I sit silently for a little while, not really having anything else to say, but not wanting to leave. I feel like there's a little weight lifted off my shoulders by apologizing to my parents and letting them know I love them. I know they're not really there anymore, just their bodies are there. I also know they probably can't hear me, but I feel better for saying the words out loud. After another 10 minutes, I stand up and brush my fingers over my parents' names before turning round to meet Eli.

He sends me a sad smile and asks, “Are you ok?”

“Yes sir. Thank you for bringing me here again.”

“You're welcome. Any time you want to visit, you just ask. Ok?”

“Yes sir.”

“You want to go learn how to shoot?”

I nod and I have to admit I am a little excited to actually shoot something. I'm nervous as anything, but there is also some excitement mixed in as well. Eli smiles at me; he can sense the excitement, but he doesn't comment on it.

We head to the precinct, and Eli makes a quick stop to pick up some breakfast for us. We eat in the rec room quickly before heading to the shooting range. He told Simon we'd be over today, so he's expecting us already.

“Hey LT. Hi Dani. How's it going?”

“Good thanks, Simon. You got a couple booths ready for us?”

“Yes sir. The two at the end are free. I haven't got anyone else booked in for at least 2 hours, so you should be on your own for a while. There's goggles and ear protectors down there already. What guns do you want?”

“I'll use my standard issue piece, thanks. Can you give me maximum rounds though please?”

“Sure thing. Good luck, Dani. He's a tough one to please with this kind of thing...”

“Don't scare her, Simon. I'm sure she'll do just fine.”

Ok, so now I'm really nervous. What if I mess up and shoot Eli? What if I disappoint Eli and he gets angry with me? What am I even doing? I'm not supposed to be shooting guns! I'm supposed to be back in my house, hiding from things like this. I'm not the one who fights back; I'm not strong enough to do that.

Eli snaps me out of my thoughts by whispering in Spanish, “It's going to be fine, Dani. Don't panic and don't be scared. It's all going to be fine. I'm not expecting you to be perfect straight away. You just need to learn the basics and safety first before you can perfect your aim. Just trust me, ok?”

I nod, not trusting my voice enough to be able to speak. Eli guides me to the end booth with his hand just behind the small of my back. He's not touching me, but I can feel the warmth of his hand. Once we get to the booth, Eli dips his head to look me straight in the eye.

“Ok?”

I shrug, “Nervous.”

“Don't be. It's going to be perfectly fine. Do you know anything about guns at all? Ever used them before?”

I shake my head, “Only the times you've given me yours.”

“Ok. Let's talk through the safety issues then.”

He goes on to explain about the safety, unloading and loading the bullets, making sure the chamber is clear before doing anything else with the gun. He gives me some basic rules about handling guns.

“Always assume that the gun is loaded, and because of that you always need to make sure you don't cover the nozzle or point it at something you don't want to be destroyed. If the gun accidentally goes off, it will take out anything in its path....”

“That's not helping my nervousness, Eli...”

He chuckles and then says, “As long as you follow the rules it'll be fine. Make sure you keep your finger off the trigger until you know what or where your target is. You can keep your finger on the frame just in front of the trigger, right here until you are ready to press the trigger. Ok? You must always be aware of what else is around you, just in case you miss your target. The bullet has to go somewhere and if it misses your intended target, you need to be sure there's no one else who is going to get hurt. Unless they deserve it, and then that's another thing entirely.”

He makes me practice holding the gun properly, emptying and loading the bullets and just generally following the new rules. He explains that I need to be comfortable with the rules and the gun before we can go any further.

“That's it, baby, you're doing great. See, I told you it would be fine.”

“I've never shot anything before, Eli. What if I can't do it?”

“That's always a possibility, even with fully trained guys. I want you to get so comfortable with a gun that it will reduce the risk of that. At the end of the day, you have to be prepared to hurt someone or take their life if you are in danger. It's going to be a you or them situation. Losing you is not an option, so I need to make sure you're as comfortable as possible with your training that your instincts will just kick in. It's going to mean spending a lot of time in here though. Are you ok with that?”

I mull it over for a minute or two and then I say, “Yes sir.”

“Good. You want to try shooting at the target now?”

“Really? You think I'm ready for that? You think it's safe?”

“Yes, I trust you. I know you're not going to point it at me or anything, so I'm fully confident that you're ready for this. Go ahead and put the goggles and ear protectors on.”

I do as he says, thinking about how brave he is for trusting me with this. I can't believe he's that confident in my ability. I don't even trust me, so I have no idea how he does. Regardless of these thoughts, I load the gun like Eli instructed me to do. He's letting me do everything, so he can assess how much I've actually remembered. It's not the remembering that's the problem for me. It's the safety issue that's the problem. I've never done anything like this and while I could put this gun together from scratch after the first time he showed me, I can't trust that I'm going to hold it together enough to shoot at something or someone.

Still, I stand at the counter in the booth and Eli brings the paper target relatively close to actually give me a chance at hitting it. He says, “I'm going to stand behind you, Dani, so don't freak out. Ok? I need to show you how to stand. Just open your feet slightly, so you have better balance. That's it. Right, hold the gun and keep your finger just in front of the trigger, like I showed you. Fully extend your right arm, but don't hold it completely rigid; you need to allow for the kick back that the gun will throw at you so you don't want to be tense. Cup your left hand under your right hand to support the weight of the gun. Good. Take a deep breath and release it slowly as you shoot. Don't rush it; just take your time and sight your target properly before touching that trigger. You're better off doing one good shoot than shooting all of your rounds randomly. I'm just going to support you for the first shot, ok?”

As Eli stands behind me and touches my arms, I tense up and almost drop the gun. That would be really, really bad, so instead of doing that, I jump forward and into the counter. I immediately apologize for my actions.

“Hey, it's ok. No need to apologize. I know it makes you uncomfortable, but I don't want the kick back to catch you off guard and you drop the gun. I'm sorry if I'm scaring you, but we need to be safe when handling guns, baby.”

“I know, I know. I just... I can't see you when you're behind me...”

“I'm sorry sweetheart. How about if I keep talking? Will that help? Or maybe if we just stand here for a few minutes with me behind you before you take the shot? Is that better?”

“I don't know. I don't like not knowing what's going on behind me...”

“I understand that. Let's just try it, yeah?”

I nod, not really wanting to argue with him. Eli takes his place behind me and I can feel the trembling all over my body. I can't concentrate because I'm focusing on every little movement and every tiny sound. Eli whispers, “Just take deep breaths, Dani. I'm not going to hurt you. I promise, Firefly. Just try to relax. It's just you and me, no different to any other time, ok? Now, I'm just going to slide my hands under yours and rest my arms alongside yours. Just relax. I'll move slowly to give you time to adjust. That's it, just focus on my voice. I'm not going to hurt you. Take a deep breath and steady yourself. You need to concentrate on the target, not me now. I know this is hard for you, but you need to focus on what you're shooting at, not what I'm doing. I'm not going to move unless you can't take the kick back or you let go of the gun, ok? You need to try not to do that, but in case you do, that's what I'm standing here for. That's my girl, deep breaths and slowly release the air as you squeeze the trigger. You don't need to pull that trigger, just squeeze it softly. Whenever you're ready, just take the shot.”

Probably half of what Eli has just said didn't actually need to be spoken, but I know he's only trying to make me relax as much as possible. I take a shaky breath, trying to steady myself before squeezing the trigger. I'm determined to not drop the gun, so I mentally prepare myself for some kind of kick back. Eli wasn't wrong about that. The force jolts my arms and if he hadn't warned me, I would have dropped the gun from the shock alone. While it's a scary thing to do, it's also kind of thrilling as well. There's like an adrenaline rush and not a bad kind of adrenaline rush. It's like it sets off a chemical reaction in your body telling you that this is a survival instinct and you must protect yourself at all costs. The thought of being able to defend myself to some degree actually exhilarates me a little so I whisper, “Can I go again?”

“Sure thing. Empty the barrel if you want to. You have 21 shots left, so feel free.”

I steady myself again and take a few more shots before putting the safety on the gun and resting it on the counter. I would have done the whole 21 remaining bullets, but I want to get out from Eli's almost embrace. When he doesn't drop his arms or move back immediately, I start to panic, feeling restrained. It takes Eli a moment or two to actually realize what's going on and then he steps away from me.

“Dani? What's wrong?”

“Too restrained... Claustrophobic...”

“Sorry. I'm sorry. Take deeps breaths.”

When I've calmed down again, I apologize, “I'm sorry Eli. I just don't like being restrained; too many memories...”

“I understand. I'm sorry I had to do that, sweetheart. Shall we see how you did?”

I nod as Eli brings the target right up to our window and looks at the paper with the outline of a person on it. When I see where my six shots have hit, I start chuckling. Something I haven't done in a long time. Eli looks confused and his expression makes me chuckle even more. I'm horrified with myself once I realize I'm actually laughing at him. My chuckling stops immediately and I start to back away, not knowing what to expect from him.

“What? What are you doing?”

I take that as a sign that he's annoyed with me for laughing, so I quickly whisper, “I'm sorry, sir. I'm sorry. It won't happen again. I'm sorry.”

I brace myself, waiting for a blow, but it never happens. Instead Eli's voice softens as he whispers, “Dani, I'm not going to hit you. I'm actually happy that you were laughing. It's a very beautiful sound. It just shocked me, especially as I don't actually know what you're laughing at. I don't even care if you laugh AT me, just as long as you're happy. That's all that matters to me. Please, baby, don't be frightened of me. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm sorry you got scared. I didn't mean to frighten you...”

“It's not your fault...”

“Hmmm, well it kind of is. I should remember these things. You told me before you don't like to be restrained. I should have remembered that. I apologize. They tied you up, huh?”

“Yes sir.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really, sir.”

“No worries. Let's look at your sheet then.”

He picks up the sheet, smiling at it. “What were you laughing at anyways?”

“It would have been nice if I'd actually hit inside the lines more than once, huh?”

“That shoulder shot was your last shot. It only took you seven attempts to get that close. That's pretty good going considering you were more concerned about me standing behind you than your target... You thought I didn't notice that?”

I drop my head out of embarrassment. Sometimes he notices far too many things.

“I'm impressed, Dani. You're going to be good at this. If your aim was like that when you weren't fully concentrating, then I can't wait to see what it's like when I'm not crowding you. Maybe you're memory is going to help you with this. You want to empty that clip on your own?”

I nod, rather enthusiastically as well, which makes Eli chuckle. “Just make sure you put the protective gear on. I'm going to stand back here and as long as you follow procedure, I won't interfere.”

I put on the protective equipment and pick up the gun. This time it doesn't feel so foreign or heavy in my hands. I'm prepared for the kick back and I empty the rest of the rounds before reloading the gun and going again. I use up most of the ammunition before stopping. My aim is slowly getting better, although not very consistent. But at least it's an improvement.

Eli is extremely happy when we look at the target sheet again. The smile on his face is huge as he says, “You are a natural, sweetheart. I'm so proud of you right now! You really are amazing, you know that?”

I drop my head, not wanting to argue, but not believing that statement in the slightest.

“You actually are, even if you don't believe it. You are amazing. Did you enjoy it?”

“Yes sir. I didn't think I would though.”

“It gives you some kind of freedom, doesn't it? It's a great release. Well, for me it is anyway.”

“I can see why. Can we come back tomorrow?”

“Of course we can. We can come here every day after work if you want to. Once Simon and I think you're competent enough, then I can give you your gun. You'll have a license to carry it with you at all times, but you must carry your permit as well.”

“Yes sir. What kind of gun is it?”

He chuckles at my excitement. “It's the same as mine. I thought you'd be more comfortable with it after handling this one, even though it's a little bigger than women usually carry. Is that ok with you?”

“Yes sir.”

Eli chuckles again and mutters, “I think I'm going to make you a gun baby. I suppose that's not a bad thing considering where you work and all...”

“I never would have thought I'd shoot a gun, let alone own one.”

“Well, now you've done both. And I have to admit you're pretty darn good at it.”

“Are you going to have a go?”

“You won't be worried if I do? I didn't want to scare you...”

“No sir, it's ok. I know you're not going to shoot me. I want to see how good you are.”

Eli completely empties the clip in a matter of seconds, all head shots, and all extremely accurate. Well, now I feel rubbish. As Eli takes off his gear and secures his gun, he says, “Don't feel like you didn't do well. You did amazing. I was in the Army for 10 years and I've been in SWAT for 4. I'd be worried if my aim wasn't like that. You ready for lunch?”

“Yes sir. At least I know you've got good aim...”

“Are you teasing me?”

His eyes are smiling, as well as the smile on his face. I can see a twinkle in his eye, so I reply, “Maybe...”

He full out laughs at that. I love the sound of his laugh and it makes me wish I was confident enough to laugh more. I'm always so paranoid that he's going to think I'm laughing at him and then he'll get angry. I'm so scared that I'm going to get in trouble that I don't ever just let myself enjoy a moment properly. Eli breaks my thoughts, “It'll get easier, Dani. I know you want to relax enough to laugh and joke, but it hasn't been long enough. I'm ok with that, as long as you know you'll get there then that's all that matters. I just want you to be happy, baby.”

By this time we're out of the booths and Simon is checking out Eli's gun, making sure there's no unused rounds from the precinct in the chamber or anything. I'm sure I'm staring at Eli, completely dumbfounded because Simon asks, “Was it really that scary?”

“Oh! No sir.”

“Actually, she's pretty good at it. A complete natural.”

“Good stuff. So, we'll be seeing you more often, Dani?”

The breath catches in the back of my throat. It kind of creeps me out when people ask these sorts of things. I don't like people noticing me or asking about what I'm doing.

Eli replies, “Not on her own, Simon. I'll be with her, at least for now. Just until Dani gets more confident in her ability.”

“Well, if you ever need anyone else to practice with you, just let me know.”

“Thanks man.”