Sooooo, I felt really guilty for leaving you guys hanging. Just so you know, I wrote like crazy to get this one up. I hope you enjoy it. I'm a little nervous about this one, so constructive critisism would be appreciated. I may be able to bust out another chapter by the weekend, but I'm not making any promises. Anyhow, read and enjoy. Oh, and you guys totally rock. Tough Love is at number 22 in the Action Category & I couldn't have imagined it would get this far. I have you guys to thank for that, so give yourselves a big up for it :)



Chapter Sixty-Five



I stand there, in front of my dad, rooted to the spot. I can't move or say anything. I'm not even completely certain that my heart is beating or that I'm still breathing. It's Ash's voice that brings me out of my trance.

“Poppa D?”

My dad's expression is grim as he says, “Let me talk to Eli first.”

He grabs my elbow and pretty much drags me to a quiet room. I think he's expecting a melt down, so I try to prepare myself for the worst.

“Eli, are you hearing me right now? I need you to listen to me.”

I nod, my mouth isn't working.

“It doesn't look good. They've lost her a few times on the operating table, but they have managed to get her back. The problem is, every time they resuscitate her, there's more damage to the cardiac tissue. They don't know how much more her heart can take. They need to know if you want them to resuscitate her if she flat lines again...”

I shout, “Of course I want them to resuscitate her!!”

Ash's face appears in the doorway. He's wide-eyed and he looks scared. My pops shoots him a look and the door closes, leaving us alone again.

“Ok, ok, ok. Eli, you need to listen to me. I know you love her and I know that losing her will break your heart, but you need to think of Dani here. She has severe head trauma and she's likely to be in a coma for a long time, that's assuming she even makes it out of this surgery. She's lost so much blood and they're having to pump her full of drugs just to keep her stable enough to keep working on her. Even if, by some miracle, she makes it out of this alive, she's going to have a serious drug addiction at the end of it...”

“That doesn't matter right now. What matters is keeping her alive. She'd rather be alive.”

“Are you sure about that, Eli? She wouldn't want to be an addict again, son. You know how opposed she is to taking drugs. I know this is a tough decision, son. I know you don't want to lose her, none of us want to lose her, but you have to think of Dani in all of this...”

“Dad, she's not even 30, she can't go yet. She hasn't lived enough good experiences to go now. She wouldn't want to go out like this. She wouldn't want them to win.”

“You know her better than anyone, so you will know what she really wants. You just have to take yourself out of the situation and think about her wishes. I know it's not easy, especially seeing as they need an answer now, but I need you to think about what Dani would want. I'm going to get you a cup of coffee and give you a chance to think. Just try to take yourself out of it. Ok?”

I don't respond. I just stare at the wall. How can I make a decision like this? How can I decide whether Dani wants to live or not? I don't know what she'd want. I know she wouldn't want to have a drug addiction again, but I also know she wants to have a good life. She wants so desperately to try being normal; to have a life filled with good things. She deserves at least a shot at that. After all she's been through, she deserves to be happy.



Ash

As Don walks towards the Cap and I, my body tenses, automatically assuming the worst. I manage to squeeze out, “What's going on?”

He sighs, a deep, heavy sigh. “It doesn't look good. They're doing everything they can, but they've already lost her 4 times since the medics got to her. She flat lined at her house, on the way to theater and twice on the table. Every time they resuscitate her, it damages the heart. They don't know if her heart can take much more, but they can't stop trying without permission from her next of kin. As she has no family, it falls on Eli to make that decision...”

The Cap looks confused and he asks, “Why Eli?”

“He told them he's her boyfriend.”

“He did? He is?”

“They haven't titled it, but yeah, he pretty much is. But you didn't hear that from me.”

The Cap nods and I ask, “So, what's the prognosis, assuming she makes it through the surgery?”

“She's got severe head trauma, so if she manages to get through surgery and recovery, then she'll most likely be in a coma for a while. There's a chance she'll have brain damage as well. I didn't tell Eli that, though. I've given him enough to deal with already and I don't want to add to his worries. Doctors have to warn of brain damage with any severe head trauma and with any resus case, but it doesn't mean there will definitely be brain damage. We just have to tell you about the possibility. I told Eli I'd bring him coffee...”

“I'll take it to him. I think I need to talk to him.”

“Ash, just go easy on him. He's got a tough decision to make.”

I nod and grab a cup of coffee before knocking on the door of the room Eli is in. Somehow, I feel the need to warn Eli someone's coming in. I know he wants to be strong for everyone and I know he doesn't want me to see him weak, but this is a very abnormal situation. I find him just staring at the wall, so I whisper, “LT? Here's your coffee...”

I know he doesn't really want coffee, but it's something for him to do.

“Eli? Take your tactical gear off, man. Just lay it all out on me... This is me, here. Not your colleague, not your Cap, not your pops, it's me. We've been through enough together for you to just throw this at me. Just let me have it...”

He takes a shaky breath and he quietly starts, “They want me to choose whether or not to put a DNR on her file. They say her heart is damaged every time they resuscitate. What am I supposed to do, Ash?”

He sounds like a broken man. This isn't the Eli I know, and this shows me just how much he cares about this girl. His raw emotion prompts my response. “Do you really think Dani would want a DNR? Do you think she'd want them to give up?”

“My pops says she'll come out of it with a severe drug addiction. She doesn't want to go down that road again...”

“Again?”

“They kept her drugged. She's been clean about 4 years and she's always been so opposed to taking any form of drug ever again. How can I expect her to go through that again?”

“Do you think she'd give up though? If she'd wanted to go out that way, then surely she'd have given up a long time ago. If she'd wanted them to win, then she'd have either stayed there or topped herself shortly afterwards. She hung on for a reason. She might not have known it at the time, but she hung on for you. Despite the cruddy deal that life has handed to her, she fought to stay alive. Why do you think she did that? Do you think she didn't want to die? That she didn't want to give up? You know more than me about her past, but even I know that dreadful things happened to her, unmentionable things. You really think she didn't beg for it to just be over? She made it out for a reason and she held on for something. So, do you really, truly think she'd want to go out by the Bratva's hands? Don't you think she'd want us to do everything possible to make sure she left this world under her terms? One final thing that she has a bit of control over; one final 'screw you' to the people that put her here?”

Eli dumps his coffee in the bin, as he heads for the door. He calls out, “Thanks man.” as he leaves the room. Even as I gave that whole speech, I was trying to convince myself. I don't know where half of those words actually came from, but it seems like they needed to be said. Eli can't lose Dani and if I'm honest, I can't either. She means too much to all of us to just leave us like this.

As I step out of the waiting room, I hear Eli almost begging his dad to keep Dani alive. That they need to do everything in their power to keep her alive. It seems like my words have given Eli something to hold on to, which sparks hope inside of me as well. I can't help but wonder if Dani has been through enough already and if her body won't be able to survive this time.





Dani

It's so peaceful here. The darkness is calming and not at all scary, like I thought it would be. It's not like any darkness I've experienced before. I don't feel like there's someone out there to get me, even though I can't see my hand in front of my face. Usually dark and unfamiliar places scare me, but surprisingly, this place doesn't. I have no idea where I am, it almost feels like I'm asleep, but I'm fully in control of my thoughts at the same time. Such a bizarre but not unwelcoming feeling. The temperature is perfect; not too hot or too cold. A warm breeze fans across my face and I just revel in the peacefulness of the moment.

I don't feel any pain. I'm sure I'm supposed to be hurting right now. Didn't I just get beaten up? That seems like an age ago. Maybe it's been longer than I thought. There's no pain in my body or in my mind. I don't even crave any drugs. How is that possible? Every day of my life has at least one craving for a drug of some sort, so why not now? Am I just seriously drugged up and I don't know it? It can't be drugs, because I feel far too comfortable and aware of everything. I almost feel like I'm home, as in back home in Russia with my parents before everything got so messed up.

A new warmth hits my face, so I open my eyes and my gaze is met with the most beautiful sunset I have ever seen. It's not tainted by pollution or the filth that people bring into the world. What am I talking about? I bring more filth into this world than probably any person I could ever meet. Shockingly, this thought doesn't sting like it usually does. I don't know where I am, but I like this place. Everything that previously hurt me, physically or mentally, has completely disappeared. I feel... normal. How I think a normal person should feel, anyway. This really isn't possible. Even in all of my drug hazes, I've never felt normal; the thought of me being dirty and disgusting has never not stung. Where am I? Am I... dead? Is this what death feels like? Maybe my poppa was able to talk to me. If I can be fully aware of my thoughts, then maybe he is too. Maybe he's here somewhere. I need to find him.

I glance down at my body and the shock of myself almost causes my knees to buckle. I'm wearing a light summer dress. No sleeves and it sits at mid thigh. What shocks me the most is the lack of scars. I really must be dead, because there's no drug on this earth that can disguise all of those physical reminders. I have no idea where I'm going, but I follow a small path and start walking. I pass such beautiful scenery; the trees are in full bloom. The cherry blossom is just hanging from the trees, giving such a fullness to the branches. I'm absolutely mesmerized by the beauty of this place. Everything is brighter and cleaner. It's just... perfect. I can't even begin to describe how glorious this place is. Think of your most perfect spot and magnify it by five million and you might be getting close to what I see. I don't feel worthy to be here, but at the same time I don't feel uncomfortable. I continue walking and I see horses grazing in the distance, as well as dogs playing. None of them take any notice of me, like they can't even see me. The path leads me closer to the horses and at the end of the path is a barn. Normally, I'd run away from this kind of situation. I would be too scared and too embarrassed to even step anywhere near the barn. And the thought of someone seeing me would be enough to start a panic attack. As I step into the barn a little ways, I'm shocked to find there's no panic rising in me. In fact, I feel totally relaxed, so I call out, “Hello?”

I hear someone shuffling around so I stop and wait to be greeted. Nothing on earth or in this place, wherever this is, could prepare me for who I come face to face with. “Poppa?”

“Svetlyak? Is that really you? Oh my darling Danica!”

“Poppa!” I run at him and throw myself into his arms. It's my poppa! I've found him. I've actually seen him again. My heart feels like it's going to burst with the thrill of it. I just keep repeating, “Poppa, my poppa.”

It's been too long since I've been able to address him in such a way and I have to make up for lost time. After I gather my thoughts, I ask, “Where's momma?”

“She's out tending to the animals. She has chickens again, you know?”

I laugh. I actually laugh! The sound is so foreign to me that I have to check it really does come from me.

“I can't believe it. I thought she was going to bring those chickens from Russia. She even cried when she sold them.”

He chuckles; the sound is just the way I remember it.

“Where are we, poppa?”

“Your momma and I built this. We live here. I have the animals to take care of and I planted everything here. What do you think?”

“It's absolutely beautiful...”

“Aleksei? Are you talking to yourself again?”

“No Babochka, we have a visitor. Come see for yourself.”

As my momma appears in the barn, tears fill my eyes. She is just as graceful and stunning as she ever was. It's no wonder my poppa calls her his butterfly. She hasn't changed a single bit. She drops the basket she's holding when she sees me. After a few seconds of shock, she runs towards me and scoops me into her arms. “Oh my beautiful girl! My baby! I thought I'd never see you again. My sweet baby is here!”

She sobs into my hair and I can't help but shed tears myself. I have longed for this day for so many years, and now I am faced with it I don't know how to stem the flood of emotions welling up inside of me. My momma holds onto me for a while longer and then she says, “We must celebrate. Come inside and I'll make us a fine feast. This is a most precious day. We are together again. You must tell us everything.”

Inside I cringe at this thought. There is so much I can't tell them. So much that I am ashamed of. I can't taint their view of me, so I quickly decide to cover up all of the atrocious things.

As my poppa and I sit in their vast kitchen, my momma cooks up a feast big enough for twenty people. As I watch her, I think of Eli's mom. This causes a pang of guilt in my chest. I've left Eli. What must he think? How must he be feeling now? But I'm with my parents. He would understand, wouldn't he? Surely he'd choose his parents over me in this situation.

My poppa notices my discomfort. He frowns as he asks, “What is it my child? Why are you sad?”

“My friend. I left him.”

“Tell me about him.”

“He's a good man, poppa. You would like him. He was in the army and now he's a police officer. He's much like you. His poppa is a doctor...”

He laughs and slaps his knee, “My child has good taste. A soldier and a doctor?! You are very lucky, Svetlyak. Does he take care of you?”

“Yes sir, very much so.”

“Good. And he makes you happy?”

I hesitate at this question. Happy is a term I don't really use in conjunction with my feelings. I don't ever feel like I'm happy, but I decide I'm happier with Eli than when I'm not, so I answer, “Yes sir, he does.”

“And you miss him?”

“Yes sir, but I missed you so much. I can't believe you're here...”

“I can't believe you're with us. What happened?”

“It was an investigation we were working on. It went bad.”

“You were working on an investigation? You must tell me all about this.”

So, I proceed to tell my parents all about my work at the precinct. This I am comfortable telling them about. I tell them all about Eli and Ash, and me learning to shoot a gun. I tell them about the operations I've worked on and the languages I've learned. I tell them all of the good things and for once, I can feel their pride. I know it's a false sense of security because they don't know the full truth, but I can't bring myself to tell them the whole sordid truth. For once, I just want to feel like I'm worthy of their pride; like I haven't completely shamed them and myself.

We talk for hours. They show me their farm and introduce me to all of the animals. The sun has long set when I let out a yawn. I don't want to be tired, but I can feel my eyelids getting heavier. My momma says, “You must rest, my darling. We will always have tomorrow. Goodnight my love.”

She gives me a hug and a kiss and leaves me at the door of a most gorgeous bedroom. My poppa steps up to me and holds me tight. He whispers, “I have missed you, my svetlyak. You are even more beautiful than when I last saw you, but you hold a sadness in your eyes that you haven't spoken of. This Eli hasn't hurt you, has he?”

“Oh no sir. He is a very good man. Someone you search a lifetime for.”

“Then why are you so sad? Do you miss him too much?”

“I miss him, but I miss you more.”

“Do you? You have been used to us being gone. Can you live another lifetime without him? Is that what your sadness is, Danica?”

“I can't talk about it poppa. I'm sorry.”

“You think I don't know?”

“Don't know what?”

He gives me his fatherly, knowing look. “You think I haven't seen you wake up screaming? You think I don't know you were in a bad way?”

I drop my head. Now I feel very ashamed.

“Your momma doesn't know. She didn't see what I saw. I don't know what someone did to you, but I do know you can't live like that forever. You can't punish yourself and everyone else for the things someone else did. I love you so much, Danica. I want you to be happy, whatever you decide. I want you to be the best that you can be and if that means you stay here then I will be happy. But if it means you have to leave us, then I will be happy knowing that you are happy. You need to take some time to think about what you want to do. We have tomorrow to talk, but for now, you must sleep. Goodnight my beautiful child.”

I climb into bed with mixed feelings. I have to decide what I want to do? Why can't the decision be made for me? I'm not good at deciding things for myself, we've already discovered that. I want someone to tell me what to do. My head barely hits the pillow before I am asleep.