Chapter Seventy-Nine



Ash

What the heck just happened?

“What the...? What the heck was that, doc?”

“Panic attack.”

“No, I know that. I mean why did that just happen? She's been doing fine, so why the sudden change?”

“She's had a rough day. Have you seen Eli?”

“Yeah. He said the detectives were here and it didn't go so well for her. I suppose you can check the wound now.”

“Yes, but I would have preferred her to not have a panic attack. Do you know what time Eli will be back?”

“Probably about 10 or 11pm. Do you need to see him?”

“Not particularly. I just don't want her to be on her own when she wakes up. She'll be sore and disorientated and I don't want her to be scared.”

“I can sit with her, although I don't know how well that will go down after recent events.”

“I'll give her a dose of sedation, just to keep her quiet and I'll reassess in the morning. Her head wound looks quite good, so I'm all set to write her notes. Did you want the nurse to bring something to eat for you?”

“No thank you. I ate before coming here. Thanks tho.”

The doctor leaves and I take a seat next to the bed, just watching Dani and waiting for her to wake up. The nurse appears a few minutes later to add some drugs to Dani's IV and then she's gone again. I take this time to call Eli, just to let him know what went down.

I get his voicemail first off, so I leave a quick message asking him to call me whenever he gets a chance. It's an hour before my cell rings, signaling his return call. After I explain what happened, he sighs and I know he's struggling with something.

“What's going on, man? Talk to me.”

He quietly says, “She's addicted to the drugs. I didn't think it would change her so quickly though. I haven't even had a chance to talk to the doctor about it yet. Today has been crazy.”

“You knew this was a probability though. They did warn you. It's just another set back. You'll sort it and she'll get through it. You just need to figure out how to deal with it. For now, Dr. Stone has put some sedation into her IV and she should be quieter when she wakes up. I just wanted to warn you for when you get here.”

“Thanks man.”

“No problem. I'll sit with her until she wakes up or you get here. Whichever is sooner.”

After we hang up, I take one of Dani's books to read. I notice that the bookmark is at the end of the book, signaling that she's already finished it. I smile at the thought, wondering just how many she's got through today alone.





Eli

It's almost 9pm when I finally get to sit down with the Cap. I spent a couple hours in with Carlos trying to get him clear on training sessions and where to brush up on his team stats. He's got a couple of guys that don't seem to be pulling their weight, so I've suggested putting them into a more dominant role during training, so they can show their flaws or slacking. If that fails, I suggested team building activities and as a last result a formal reprimand.

I relax into the chair in the Cap's office and let out a sigh. I close my eyes as I ask, “What was the result of the arraignment?”

“No bail. The judge wants to wait for the DNA results before he reassesses. He thinks they're a flight risk, seeing as they were hiding in a safe house.”

“Good. What do I need to do?”

“Greggson wants you to see if you can get Dani to remember where she was held. He wants to see if we can get a warrant to search the place. He's working on links to the Bratva and so far he's making some headway. He's letting us take the lead on this investigation, but he wants the big one. I can't say I blame him for that. He's got men sitting on the bank and they've seen some suspected Bratva members going in there. He wants to find out if Dani can remember where she escaped, see if that can push the investigation quicker. He will try to get a man in there as a last resort, but it will take months to even get someone in. Then another few months to build a case. You think she'll remember?”

I sigh and keep my eyes shut. “It's not something she really speaks about. A while ago she told me she didn't know where she was held, but I have no doubt she'll remember. I just think she's suppressed that memory for so long it's like it doesn't exist. Maybe she was too out of it on drugs to remember, I don't know. I will talk to her about it, but not yet. I need to get her home and settled a bit before I approach that. She needs a break from all of this and I don't just mean the case. She needs a break from her mind and her life. Even if it's only a few days. I wish she could just switch it off, you know?”

“I know. Unfortunately you can't. You can only be there for her. When is she coming home?”

“Saturday morning.”

“Is she going back to her house? It's been cleared, but I don't know about the clean up. Have you been back?”

“I went back to pick up some things, but it's a mess. I don't know if she wants to go back there yet, I haven't asked. She can stay at mine or my parents, whatever she prefers.”

“Good. You want to go through these files with me and then you can go.”

So, we go through the case files and it's almost 10:30 when I leave. I find Ash asleep on the chair when I get to the hospital. Dani's still asleep, but she's dreaming. I can see her eyelids fluttering and she randomly jumps.

I tap Ash and whisper, “Hey, thanks for waiting around. Has she been asleep the whole time?”

He clears his throat, “Yeah. She's been jumpy though. She must be dreaming. The doc gave her something before he left, so I'm guessing that's what's keeping her asleep. You mind if I bail out now?”

“No, go ahead. Thanks man, I appreciate it.”

“No worries. Make sure you get some rest. Did the Cap speak to you about the arraignment?”

“Yeah, at least something's working in our favor, huh? We just need to get Babkin and take this ring down now.”

“Yeah, we'll do what we can on that. You heard from Arrow?”

“Nope. He's got another job, so I'm guessing he's busy.”

Ash nods, pats me on the back and says night as he leaves. I sit on the chair for a little while, just watching Dani sleep. I know I promised to wake her when I got back, but given the way she was acting before with Ash and the doc, I think it's better to let her continue sleeping.

I close my eyes and the next thing I know, I'm being woken up by a scream. It takes me a moment to figure out what's going on and I quickly scan the room to see if there are any threats before I focus on Dani.

“I'm here, baby. It's ok, it's all ok.”

The screaming stops and Nurse Mandy appears at the door.

“Everything ok in here?”

“Yes ma'am. Just a dream. We're ok.”

She nods and is gone again. It seems like Dani's vision clears because she whispers, “Eli?”

“Yes sweetheart, it's me.”

She lets out a sigh, “You didn't wake me.”

I smile softly, “I thought you needed the sleep. How are you doing?”

“My lungs hurt and I'm so cold.”

It's now that I notice her shivering. I grab my blanket and place it over her before I turn to sit down again. She grabs my arm gently and says, “It hurts, Eli.”

“What hurts, baby?”

“Everything.”

“Is that the drugs?”

“Yes sir.”

“What do you want me to do? Other than get drugs, I mean.”

“Just make it better...”

“I don't know how to do that, Dani. You want me to lay with you again? That seems to make things better, doesn't it?”

She nods and I can see the blush form on her cheeks. I know she's embarrassed, but at least she's acknowledging the fact me staying helps. I slowly climb into the bed and she lifts her upper body up, allowing me to slide my arm underneath her. I hold her close and she rests her head on my chest. I hear her softly counting my heart beats, so I try to slow my heart rate down. I run my fingers up and down Dani's arm. She must be really craving those drugs, because her shivering is uncontrollable.

I wait a few minutes, letting her relax a little bit into my embrace, before I ask, “You asleep?”

“No sir.”

“You want to talk?”

“About?”

“Anything you want. Did you get the books?”

“Yes, thank you. I finished Norwegian.”

I chuckle. I shouldn't be surprised she's finished one already. “Was it difficult?”

“A little challenging. I'll start on Chinese tomorrow, although I'm probably going to need a pronunciation CD or something.”

“There's one in there. I made sure of that. Apparently the way you say words in Chinese can change the whole meaning.”

“Yep. It's a difficult one to learn.”

“So I won the challenge?”

I swear she almost chuckles as she says, “Yes Eli, you won.”

“Good to know. I'll inform Ash in the morning.”

I hear Dani's breath hitch and she whispers a string of curses in Russian. If I weren't so concerned right now, I'd find her statement amusing.

“What? What's wrong?”

“It hurts. It just... hurts.”

I kiss the top of her head and rub her arm a little. I don't know what to do or how to make it better, so I comfort her the only way I know how. We're silent for a little while and then Dani whispers, “Eli, I apologize in advance. I'm going to be a vile person for the next week or so. I'm going to say things I really don't mean, but I won't be able to stop myself. I'd suggest you stay away until I've got through the worst of it...”

“Nope, not going to happen. I'm not going anywhere. You can hurl abuse at me all you want. I'll take it and forget about it as soon as it leaves your mouth. I'm tough, I can handle it. Seeing you in pain is worse than anything else I've lived with, so I'm willing to stick it out if it makes it easier for you.”

“Just don't take anything I say to heart. Please.”

“I won't. How did you do this by yourself? How did you manage it?”

“Don't laugh, ok? I handcuffed myself to the radiator in the bathroom at the hostel.”

“What? How did you eat or drink?”

“I didn't eat. Believe me, food is the last thing on your mind at that time. Water was in reach, but I needed to be locked up so I couldn't do anything stupid. I needed to be near the toilet because of the vomiting, so it seemed like the most logical place. I don't want to go through that again, Eli. Being restrained is awful.”

“You won't need to. You won't need to be locked up. We'll get through this together. I can't believe you had to do that on your own.”

I don't think she realizes how much she's exposing, but she continues to talk. “I didn't have anyone to help. Besides, I was a mess, even more so than I am now. I wasn't ready for someone to help me. To be honest, if you weren't so persistent, I probably would never have been ready for help. I'm sure I'd have gone back to drugs, just to get through the days at the precinct.”

“Really?”

“Yes sir. That's a shameful thing to admit, but I don't think people know how difficult that is for me.”

“I thought it was getting easier?”

“Yes and no. It is because you're there. If you weren't? Well...”

“I'm glad I make it easier. After all of this is over, you must promise to tell me if you feel like you need to go back to drugs. I'm not foolish enough to believe the fight is over, but I would like you to tell me when the want gets too much. Ok?”

“Yes sir.”

“How are your lungs now?”

“Not so sore. I had a panic attack...”

“I heard.”

“Did Ash tell you what I said?”

“He mentioned you weren't yourself. Do you remember what you said?”

“Not everything. I told him I'd hit him. I remember that and I feel awful for it...”

“Don't. He knows it wasn't you talking. He knows you wouldn't say that normally. Would you have really hit him though?”

She shrugs. After a small silence she answers in a small voice, “I can't escape. I'm stuck in this bed and I can't get away. I'll do whatever I have to to protect myself, I guess. I don't want to be hurt anymore.”

“I'm sorry, sweetheart. I know this is awful for you. We're not going to hurt you though.”

“In my heart I know that, but my brain and my subconscious haven't caught up with that memo. I'm trying, but it's going to take some time. I don't even know Dr. Stone...”

“I know. You are so much better though. I would have paid money to see the look on Ash's face when you told him you'd hit him. That would have been priceless...”

She groans, “I'm so embarrassed...”

“Don't be. I'm sure he's forgotten all about it by now. So, you get to go home on Saturday... We need to talk about it...”

I don't want to put a dampener on the mood, but tomorrow is Wednesday and I need to know if I have to clean up Dani's apartment before then.

“I can't go back there... I just can't...”

“Ok, no problem. You can stay at mine or at my parents. It's up to you.”

“Have you spoken to them about this?”

“Actually, my pops suggested it. He thought it would be a good idea seeing as either him or my mom would be there to check in on you. They have a bedroom on the lower floor, so you won't need to worry about stairs.”

“What about the nightmares?”

It sounds like she's actually considering this option. This is good; this is definitely progress.

“Don't worry about it. My pops knows about them and their bedroom is at the back upstairs so it's unlikely my mom will hear.”

“Will you be there as well?”

“Yes ma'am. I wouldn't leave you there on your own, at least not all night. What do you say?”

“And you're sure your parents are ok with this?”

“Yes, of course.”

“What about your brother and sister?”

“We'll work around that. I can't really stop them from visiting, but I can make sure they don't go into your room. I'll just get my pops to tell them to call in advance or something. It'll work out.”

She tosses it up for a little while and then she says, “Ok.”

Well, that was easier than I expected. I guess it helps that she's been there before. She must really not want to go back to her house though.

“Eli? Did you tell the cops I was your... girlfriend?”

She almost chokes on the word and that upsets me. Even that simple word causes her heartbreak.

I answer her truthfully, “I told the doctors you were my girlfriend, otherwise they wouldn't have given me any information. They would never have let me stay with you or anything. Besides, that's pretty much what you are. I know we haven't put any labels on it or even discussed anything along these lines, but this whole situation has kind of forced the issue. It made me realize a lot of things. Losing you was a very real possibility and it gave me a lot of stuff to think about.”

Dani looks terrified. That saddens me and I get lost in my thoughts. I'm snapped out of my silence by fingers running along my forehead. My eyes snap to Dani's and her hand drops immediately. She's embarrassed again, but I don't know why. This is something she should feel comfortable doing; this should be a normal thing for couples to do. I think we all take normality for granted. If Dani's situation has taught me anything, it's definitely that we don't appreciate the life we have.

I hear her whisper, “I don't like it when you worry...”

“I can't help it. It's like I'm made to worry about you. Before you, I didn't really stress about things. Now, I can't help but stress about everything concerning you. I don't mean that in a bad way though. I want to worry about you. I want you to see how much I care...”

“You didn't stress about being in the army?”

She sounds shocked.

“Not really. I was good at that, I knew what I needed to do and I got the job done. With you it's different. I don't know what to do and I don't know if I'm getting anything right. This is all new for me, so I'm trying to figure it out as I go along.”

“I'm sorry.”

“No, don't be sorry. I know this is going to make you uncomfortable, but I need to tell you so you don't think it's because of your past. Ok?”

She nods sheepishly, so I sigh and carry on.

“I like that you make everything different. Before you, I didn't really have long term relationships. I guess I wasn't ready for that, especially after getting back from the Middle East. I did things out there that aren't socially acceptable in this country. That haunted me for a long time, until you came along. You made me realize that my life isn't so bad. I mean, I've seen and done things that most people wouldn't have, but it's nothing compared to what you've had to deal with. I worry because I want you to have the best life. I want you to be happy and I don't know if I make that happen. I don't know if I'm doing anything right or helping you at all. I know it's hard for you to express what you're thinking and feeling; I appreciate that and I'm not expecting you to tell me anything you're not comfortable saying. I just worry that I'm getting this all wrong and I'm going to ruin everything...”

I see a tear slide down Dani's cheek, so I slowly move to wipe away. I don't want to scare her, so my movements are slow and careful. I feel her trembling under my touch, but I don't let that deter me. I know the only way she's ever going to be comfortable with me is if we push the boundaries slowly.

“Please don't cry, baby. I don't like to see you cry. I didn't mean to upset you...”

Her voice is thick with emotion as she whispers, “You didn't, not really.”

She looks like she wants to say something, but she literally bites her lip to stop the comment from slipping out.

“What? Say it. Whatever you're thinking, just say it.”

“I can't...”

“Why not?”

“You said you can't listen to me saying negative comments...”

I sigh, “I shot myself in the proverbial foot saying that, didn't I? Say it, Dani. We'll deal with the negative thought after.”

“You're a good man, Eli. In fact, you're too good for me. I appreciate everything you've done for me and you've helped me more than you'll ever know. I know I'm not normal; I know I'm tainted goods. I know I'll never be good enough for you. I'll never be able to give you a normal life. You deserve a good person to spend your life with, someone who can live a normal life with you. I can't do that and I don't think I ever will be able to...”

She lets out a sob, like her heart is breaking. She's so not getting the depth of what I'm saying here and I fear I'm going to have to say those three words, even at the risk of scaring her even more.

I sit up slightly and she gasps, probably because of the pain. I need to see her face fully now and I need her to see mine as well. This is not the ideal situation to be having this conversation in, but at least we won't be interrupted right now.

“Dani, look at me. I want you to see how honest I'm being here. I don't want you to be like other girls. I don't want what everyone considers 'normal'. I just want you. I don't care how long that takes or what that does or does not involve. I just want to know that you are comfortable with me and that you trust me. I'm not going to just let you push me away like that. I can't cope without you. You as much a part of me as I am now, and I'm not just going to let you quit on that. You don't need to worry about me living a 'normal' life. Who tells us what is normal anyways. I don't need to spend my life with anyone else, only you. Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?”

Her eyes are wide and I'm not sure if that's fear or understanding, or maybe a bit of both.

I sigh and soften my voice, “I just need you. That's it. I'm quite happy with things the way they are right now, present injuries excluded of course. Would I like you to be less scared? Sure, of course I would, but that's the way things are right now and I accept that. I'm not going to run just because of that. I'm happy to just carry on the way we are. We may not be what everyone considers normal, but I don't care about that. As long as you're here, then I'm cool with that.”

She sobs again. Geez, I really know how to make a girl cry, huh? I apologize for upsetting her yet again and I wipe the tears off her face. She doesn't say anything for the longest time, but when she speaks she simply says, “You make it better... You make it hurt less...”

That confession is good enough for me. It's more than I've ever had, so I'm satisfied with it. It might take a while for me to get more out of her, but that's ok. I'm content just knowing I make it better. Those simple words have so much meaning in them and by now I can read between the lines. She wants me to stay, she wants to be with me, but she's scared. I may not know exactly what her fears are, but we can approach them together, because she has left that door open.