Chapter Eighty-Two



Eli

We don't get a break in Dani's addiction until Monday night, early Tuesday morning. Dani has been absolutely tormented. Her memories have been plaguing her and she's been seeing things that aren't really there. She's been vile to the doctors and nurses and I haven't been exempt from her sharp tongue either. I can't hold it against her though, because I know she doesn't really mean it. I know it's not her that is speaking these horrible words. She's been acting out some of her memories in her crazed state and watching it has made my blood boil and my heart break at the same time. If what I've seen is only a fraction of what she has had to deal with, then I'm not sure I'm able to handle the whole truth. Seeing the things she's done in her sleep/haze has had me shutting everyone out of the room and keeping the shutters closed.

I know I can never tell her what she's done, because she'll feel embarrassed and horrified that she's done that in front of me. It makes me understand a little more why she is adamant that she'll never be able to have a healthy 'normal' relationship. I don't know if I'd ever let anyone in my bed again after the scenes she's acted out and the words I've heard leave her mouth, it's enough to make me blush and I'm definitely not a prude. My heart aches for the her at the things she's had to deal with. There are no words that I can use to convey how the torture she endured makes me feel.

It's just gone 2am on Tuesday morning when Dani's croaky voice whispers, “Eli?”

I was almost asleep, but I'm instantly awake at her voice.

“Baby?”

“Is it over?”

“You tell me. How do you feel?”

“Like I got hit by a train and run over by 20 trucks....”

“But no shivers or shakes?”

“No sir. I'm so tired...”

“You've hardly slept, sweetheart.”

“Was it bad? Be honest.”

I don't want to answer, but I don't want her to think I'm lying to her. “Yeah, pretty bad, but it's over now.”

“Did I hurt anyone?”

“No ma'am.”

She looks at me disbelievingly, so I clarify. “You didn't hit anyone and I made sure there were a minimal amount of people in here. It's pretty much been me and you or just you. The doctors and nurses have checked in on you, but they were brief visits.”

She nods and then winces. I hear her mumble in Russian, “Don't do that Dani.”

“Did I say vile things to you, sir?”

“Nothing that's going to leave a lasting impression. It's all forgotten already.”

“I'm sorry.”

“No need to apologize, truly.”

“Thank you.”

“You're welcome, although I didn't really do anything.”

“You didn't leave.”

“I promised I wouldn't. I never intended to break that promise. As awful as it was to see you like that, I'm thankful I stayed. I appreciate so much more what you had to deal with now.”

“I'm sorry you had to see or hear whatever you did. I didn't mean any of it.”

“I know.”

I know she didn't mean it, but her memories were real. I know that much is true. She never intended for me to have that bit of insight into her mind, but that's not something I'm going to reveal to her. If she remembers, then I'll deal with that. I only hope she can open up enough to tell me about it herself.

Nurse Mandy knocks on the door and I slowly go over to open it. She smiles and says, “I thought I heard voices. Everything ok in here?”

“Yes ma'am. She seems to have come out the other side now.”

“That's good to hear. Do you mind if I just check her vitals?”

I step back and let her into the room. She greets Dani warmly, “Hey there sweetie. How are you feeling now?”

“Ok.”

“Really? You don't need to pretend, Dani.”

“I feel pretty rough, but better than the last few days.”

“Has the pain subsided?”

“Yes ma'am. Well, mostly. It's more like a dull ache. I feel tense and I ache everywhere.”

“That's understandable. You need a long soak in a bath. We can elevate your leg if you'd like us to bathe you.”

Dani is quick to respond, the shock evident in her voice, “Oh no ma'am! That's not necessary, honestly.”

“You sure? I don't mind helping you.”

“No! Sorry, I mean no thank you, ma'am. It's very kind of you, but it's ok.”

Mandy nods and checks the monitors in silence. Dani must feel bad, because she whispers, “I'm sorry for being rude, ma'am.”

Mandy smiles, “It's no problem, sweetie. I just thought it would make you feel better, that's all.”

“Thank you, but I'll be ok.”

Mandy leaves us in silence and when she's gone, I whisper, “Will it help?”

“Huh? Sorry, I mean pardon, sir?”

“Will a bath help?”

“It's not important, sir.”

“It is if it will help you. Will it help, Dani? Be honest.”

“It does, but I know I can't do that until I get this leg out of the cast. I can wait until then.”

“What if I help you?”

Her eyes nearly fall out of their sockets, so I quickly explain. “I don't mean you need to be exposed. What if you wear clothes and just soak in a hot soapy bath? That's got to be better than nothing, right?”

She's shocked and there's another emotion in her eyes, maybe appreciation or gratitude.

“If it's going to make you feel better, then I'll carry you in there and help you. I'll even wash your hair if you want me to.”

“You'd really do that?”

“Of course I would. I'll do anything you need me to. What I need to know is if you're comfortable with that. Do you trust me enough to let me do that?”

She sighs and rolls her her teeth over her bottom lip. I know she's not sure about this, but that fact she's hesitating means she's in a better place of trust with me already. I suppose it can't get much worse than how I found her on that awful day.

She steels her features and then whispers, “I don't know...”

“You can make it stop whenever you want. I'll lift you in and let you soak. I'm not going to leave you, in case something goes wrong, but I'll keep my hands out of the tub. What do you say?”

“I can tell you stop whenever I want?”

The concept seems foreign to her and I suppose in a way it is. “Yes, you call the shots. I'll do whatever you do or don't want me to do. You're the boss, ma'am.”

I see a tiny smile play on her lips. “I'm the boss? So I can tell you what to do?”

“Of course. You're my commanding officer; higher ranking that the Cap actually.”

That surprises her, “Really?”

“Totally.”

I shoot her a wink as I say, “I'm going to tell Nurse Mandy what's happening. Hold that thought and I'll be back.”





Dani

Something feels different. The air surrounding Eli and myself is lighter and I feel differently about everything. Maybe it's because I'm through the worst of the withdrawal or maybe it's because I appreciate him much more after what I've just been through. I don't know what has come over me, but it feels like I'm becoming a different person. I can't actually believe I'm going to follow through with this whole bath thing. My body aches so bad and sitting in a hot tub sounds really amazing right now. I think that overrides anything else at the moment. I do trust Eli; my heart trusts him at least. I know I have to try harder, for both of our sakes so I'm trying to do just that. Hopefully by doing so, I'll convince my head and my subconscious that Eli is trustworthy.

There's a bathroom adjoining my hospital room, so Mandy slips into it to run the bath. When it's ready, she says, “You sure you don't need my help, Lieutenant?”

“No ma'am, we're all good here.”

“Ok. And you have spare clothes?”

I have a slight panic moment. I don't know if we have extra clothes. I've been in the same shorts and t shirt since I woke up. I don't even want to know who put them on me. In fact, I can't even think about the whole hygiene thing right now. I should probably question who bathed me or even if anyone has done since I've been in here, but I don't want to know the answer. I think I'd rather no one did it to be honest. I'd rather be dirty than have someone bathe me. I can't think about everything that entails right now because I'll be embarrassed and I'll have an episode. Eli's voice snaps me out of my thoughts.

“Yes ma'am. I'll press the call button if I need you, I promise.”

She nods with purpose and leaves the room. I should ask Eli what he expects to happen after I've finished in the bath, when my clothes are soaking wet, but my voice gets stuck in the back of my throat. Thankfully, he seems to read my mind, because he responds to my silent question.

“I'm going to lift you out of the tub and sit you on the stool in there so you can change your clothes. If you need my help and you feel comfortable enough, then you can call me to give you a hand. I'll do whatever you need me to, but you have to be ok with it. I would help you change, but I'm not sure that's what you want... Judging by the look in your eyes I know you're not ok with that right now. It's cool, baby. You don't need to panic. I'm going to slide my arms underneath you, ok? Just nice and slowly so you don't get scared. I will need you to wrap your arms around my neck though. I don't want to drop you. You ready?”

I take a deep breath and try to prepare myself for this. The feel of his forearm under my thighs and on the curve of my back brings back memories and I struggle to fight them away. I whisper to myself, “It's ok, Dani. This is Eli. It's just Eli. He's not going to hurt you...”

Eli knows what's happening; when the memories get too much, the words die on my lips and Eli picks up where I left off, assuring me it's just him and nothing bad is going to happen to me. He goes further and whispers, “I'm so sorry for everything they've done to you.”

I choke back a sob, my emotions are too raw at the moment, so I bury my face in Eli's neck as he carries me to the bathroom. Sometimes I wish we could just have a normal conversation, without the mess of everything getting in the way. But my past consumes me and that's what is on my mind most of the time. Whether it's trying to protect myself, trying to fight back memories or whatever; it's always at the front of my mind. Being in Eli's presence does make it a bit quieter though, and I'm sure that's not healthy. But you know what? Does that really matter? From the age of 10 my life hasn't exactly been the hallmark of healthy, so maybe Eli is just a better form of addiction. Who even knows right now.

Eli slowly lowers me into the tub, making sure my casted leg is resting, elevated out of the water. I let out an involuntary sigh as the hot water starts to soothe my muscles and heat up my cold bones. I hear him chuckle, and I realize that my eyes are shut, so I quickly snap them open to look at him. He's shining his full smile down on me that lights up his handsome face. Yes, I did just admit that the man is handsome. Strange things are happening to me tonight.

“That better?”

“Oh yes sir. Much.”

“Good. I told you it would be ok. You doing alright?”

“Yep. This water feels nice.”

He chuckles again and sits on the stool next to the tub.

“I'm glad you like it.”

We fall into a comfortable silence, so I rest my head on the back of the tub and close my eyes. As I attempt to let the water relax me, I start to wonder if Eli is actually ok. He's really quiet. He's probably never seen anyone go through withdrawal and I'm sure it wasn't a very pretty sight. I open my eyes slightly to take in his appearance and I find him perched on the stool with his eyes closed, but his body is tense. He looks exhausted and maybe slightly haunted. At that moment, I feel terrible for putting him through everything I have. Despite him telling me he wants to stay, it doesn't make me feel any less of a burden. I don't want him to feel obligated to be here with me, that's not fair of me to allow that.

I hesitantly ask, “Eli? Are you ok?”

His eyes snap open and he shoots me a smile but this time I notice it's not quite as bright and it doesn't fully reach his eyes.

“I'm ok, sweetheart.”

“Should I be worried?”

“What makes you ask that?”

“You look stressed. I apologize for anything I did or said that hurt you. I'm sure I didn't mean any of it. I'm so sorry...”

I'm panicking and my breathing has picked up as I just keep whispering apologies to him.

“Dani? Look at me. It's nothing you did or said. I'm just tired... I've missed you. I've missed this Dani; my Dani.”

I notice a blush forming on his cheeks and the tips of his ears, but even though he looks embarrassed, his eyes never leave mine. I find myself blushing just at his admission. All this kind of attention is playing havoc with my emotions and I feel very torn between giving in to these new feelings and protecting myself. I decide to go with a comment that's completely out of character for me.

“It wasn't much fun for me, either.”

His smile is sad as he says, “No, I can't imagine it was. Things should get better now, right?” “Hopefully. When can I leave? Actually, what day is it?”

“It's Tuesday morning, exactly 3:02am, actually. Dr. Stone says you can go as soon as he thinks you're over the worst of this. Maybe in a couple of days.”

“Good. I don't like feeling so exposed...”

His eyes widen and I don't know if that's because he never thought about it like that or if it's because I just admitted that.

“It won't be much longer now, baby. We can actually sleep in a real bed and I won't have to worry about you falling off the side...”

I see the smile on his lips and the twinkle in his eye as he says this, so I return a small smile.

“Like I'm going to move with this thing on my leg...”

“Good point. Still doesn't stop me from worrying about it. I can't wait to sleep in a real bed and not have to think about nurses or doctors walking in on us...”

He seems to sense my reaction to that sentence, because he almost trips over his lips to clear up what he means.

“I don't mean that anything was going on or that they even think that, so please don't panic or get embarrassed. I just mean that I'm always on alert when you're asleep here and I just want to be able to relax with you. Especially when you have nightmares. I don't like the thought of people seeing or hearing everything you went through. Those are your private memories and not for everyone to have insight to.”

He is a good man. I know I keep saying it, but I'm also reminding myself at the same time.

I let a truth slip out, “My poppa would have liked you...”

“You think?”

“I know he would have.”

“You sound so sure. I think most fathers are wary of their daughter's male friends...”

My new motto comes into play yet again, as I whisper, “No more lies...”

Eli frowns but looks expectantly at me, not saying a word.

“I saw him; I saw both my parents. He's seen you.”

I hear the shock in his voice, “He has?”

“Yes sir. He said you're a good man and I need to trust you. He keeps telling me to trust you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah...”

“Wow, that's quite something. Did he say anything else?”

He senses my hesitation, so he quickly says, “You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I just thought you might like to talk about it.”

I inhale a deep breath and take a leap of faith. If the man doesn't think I'm crazy already, he probably will after he hears about my 'encounter' with my dead parents. Geez, I sound crazy to myself right now. I am actually off the drugs, right?

“He told me your heart was breaking and that I needed to decide if I wanted to stay with them or go back to you...”

I glance over at Eli and he's perched on the edge of the stool, arms crossed over his chest, hanging on my every word.

He whispers, “That's what you meant when you woke up. You chose to come back here...”

I nod in agreement but I can't take the intensity of his stare, so I lower my head under the water to rinse off my hair. Because one of my legs is hanging over the tub, I lose my balance and my whole upper body slips under the water. There is a brief moment of panic that my body can't control, but it doesn't last long. Before I even have time to register what is happening, a pair of strong arms are hooked under my arm pits and I'm lifted out of the water.

Eli's voice is gruff and thick with emotion when he says, “Be careful there. You scared me...”

“Sorry, I slipped.”

“I noticed. You want me to wash your hair? Then we can get you out of there before you give me heart failure.”

I look up and backwards to see Eli standing behind me. He has a small smile playing on his lips, but his eyes are serious. He was actually scared. This revelation shocks me. Eli doesn't get scared. He doesn't panic or worry about things. Maybe I've been blind all this time. Maybe I just haven't noticed how much he's worried all this time. I decide to be brave and I tentatively ask, “Eli? Do you worry about things?”

His eyebrows raise in confusion, but I can see the honesty in his eyes when he answers. “Only about you, Dani. It's only ever you.”

I nod in response. What can I say to that? Externally, I try to reveal nothing, but my insides are a mess. I feel nervous but there's not enough fear to make me run a mile. That's a different response for me. Eli is very gentle as he rubs the shampoo in my hair and he carefully rinses the bubbles out. I'm sure his breathing has changed, but thinking about that actually does make me panic, so I have to try to shut that out.

I do catch myself whispering, “It's just Eli. He's not going to hurt you... It's Eli; your Eli...”

My Eli? Seriously? I have no claim on this man. He doesn't belong to me. I swear I hear him stop breathing momentarily at my words, but I pretend I don't notice. Eli lifts me out of the tub and lets me change my clothes. I'm slower than normal, but at least I can do it for myself. I'm guessing the clothes I'm left with are Eli's because the shorts are huge on me and I have to pull the strings to their tightest just so they don't fall down. I smile when I pull the shirt on. It's one of Eli's work t-shirts and it smells like his aftershave, that smell makes me relax just a little. It's almost as good as Eli being right here with me.

Eli helps me into bed and then he settles in next to me. I rest my head on his chest and he holds me close. I'm almost asleep when I hear him whisper, “I've always been your's, sweetheart. I'll never belong to anyone else.”



A lone tear slides down my cheek and I know that I have no hope of ever being able to survive without this man. To be honest, I'm not sure I even want to try anymore.