Chapter Eighty-Eight



The next morning, Connie takes me to the hospital for my appointment with Dr. Stone. I manage to hobble in and out of the wheelchair and the car, so I'm not relying on someone to lift me. Thankfully I'm a little more mobile because Eli is the only person I trust enough to pick me up. Dr. Stone is pleased with my progress and he's given me some crutches, so I'll be even more mobile. My PT goes ok as well, which just leaves getting through the session with the shrink in the evening. Honestly, I'll be glad when the day is over.

On the way back from the hospital, I quietly say, “Connie?”

“Yes my dear?”

“May I ask you something?”

“Of course you can. Ask me anything.”

This is it. Now I actually have to do it because she's expecting a question. I close my eyes briefly and bite back my fear and anxiety.

“I need some advice and I don't know who else to ask...”

“I'll help whatever way I can. Go ahead, sweetie.”

“I didn't have a normal childhood and I don't really know much about...”

How am I supposed to word this? I know more about guys than most people, so I can't really say that. I don't know what to say, but Connie seems to sense my dilemma and she says, “Relationships?”

“Yes ma'am.”

“I remember when Maria went through this stage. She was quite something. What's on your mind, Dani?”

“I don't understand the... feelings. Sometimes Eli makes my stomach do a weird flop thing... I don't know what that is...”

It's actually getting easier to talk to her about this. I'm pretending my momma is sitting in front of me and that makes it less daunting.

“It's your insides telling you you have feelings for Eli. I'm not going to lie to you, I can't tell you if it means you love him. But it does mean there's something there. You do feel something for him and he makes your body feel differently. It's an emotional connection, not necessarily a physical one...”

I stiffen at the mention of a physical connection. That makes me uncomfortable and I think she notices that, because she quickly says, “I apologize for bringing that up. I know that's not something you want to hear. I'm assuming you didn't have a normal high school life and that you didn't have any crushes while you were in school...”

“No ma'am.”

“Eli is like your high school crush, although, probably on a stronger scale. I don't want you to get frightened about that, Dani. Nothing has changed. You're still the same and he's still the same. You just know that you like him more than just a friend. It doesn't mean that anything has to happen or anything has to change. It's just your mind and body admitting that you feel something different. If I know my son, he'll do things at whatever speed you're comfortable with.”

“But...”

She knows what I'm going to say before I even finish my sentence.

“Just because everyone knows you as his girlfriend, it doesn't mean that things have to change. You're both happy with the way things are, right? So why change what's working? Things will progress naturally and when you're comfortable. I know you've had a tough life. I don't know what's happened, but I can tell that you're scared. It's ok to be scared, just don't let it ruin the rest of your life. You're part of our family now and we won't let anything happen to you. And if Eli even thinks about hurting you, then Don and I will have something to say about it.”

I shoot her a tiny smile and whisper, “Thank you.”

“You're very welcome, Dani. Now, shall we see about getting some lunch?”

“Yes ma'am. I can help.”

So I sit on the stool in the kitchen and help Connie prepare some lunch, not sure if I want the day to hurry up and finish or go slower so I don't have to go to this appointment.







Eli

We're on lunch at the moment and my mom's just text me to say Dani's appointments went fine and that she has crutches now, so she's able to move around a bit better. That's good news. I know Dani's worried about this session tonight; she didn't sleep very well last night and I think it's because she's scared. I have no idea how it's going to go, but we've got to at least try, haven't we? Maybe this lady won't be able to help, but maybe she will.

The Cap appears in the doorway of the rec room, “Eli, I need a word. My office.”

I head straight there and take a seat opposite the Cap's desk.

“I'm going to be straight with you, Eli. Interpol has come back with that search we requested. There's links to the Bratva and Babkin's style of death. They've got a notice out on a guy called Misha Ivankov. They think he's connected to a number of murders back in Russia and probably Babkin's as well. He's believed to be the head of the Solntsevskaya Bratva, but no one has seen or heard from him in a few years. There was rumors going round that he was dead, but in light of Babkin's murder, those rumors are probably false.”

“Right, so what now?”

“We need you to talk to Dani and see if she can give us any form of a location. Even if it's just a road name or anything.”

“Ok. I'll test the water and see what I get. I can't push her too much, Cap. She's doing well at the moment and I don't want to ruin that.”

“I understand that, son, but we need to catch these guys if we want any of you to feel safe again. I'm sure you want to punish these people for what they've done to her...”

“More than you can imagine, but I have to think about her welfare as well. I'll talk to her, just give me a couple days.”

“Sure thing. Let me know what you get.”

Now the investigation seems more real than ever. We've actually got a chance at finding some of these people. We have a name and at least something to go on now. If Dani can even give us a landmark, then maybe we can actually put these guys away for a very long time.

I clock out at half 6 and I'm at my parent's house just before 7. I take a minute or two to watch Dani on her crutches, smiling at her progress and then I quietly say, “We need to go, sweetheart. You still ok with this?”

“Ask me that after.”

“You don't have to go if you don't want to.”

“I do. I have to at least try, right?”

“Ok. Thank you.”

I don't think she realizes how proud I am of her or how well she actually is doing. Even before her attack she would never have gone for something like this. Maybe these drugs are working better than we think.

We arrive at the little brownstone building at 7:25pm, but Dani makes no attempt to get out of the car.

“Baby?”

Her voice is shaky as she says, “I'm scared, Eli. I'm so scared. I don't want to live the memories again...”

“It's ok, baby. We'll just talk to her and see what treatments she thinks are appropriate. I doubt we'll even get to a proper session today and if you really don't like it then we don't have to come back again. Ok?”

She takes a deep breath, “Ok.”

We're a few minutes late to the appointment, because Dani has to try to collect herself before going in to the building. There's no receptionist at the front desk, so I ring the little bell that's on the desk. A woman with dark hair and dark eyes appears from a back room and she smiles as soon as she sees us. I can see Dr. Stone in that smile, so I take a guess and ask, “Sam?”

“Yes, you must be Elijah and this must be Danica. It's great to finally meet you guys. I sent my secretary home, so you can just come on through.”

“Sorry we're a little late.”

I offer no explanation because I don't want to drop Dani in it.

“It's no problem. You're my last appointment, so there's no real time set here. We can take as long or as short as you want. Take a seat guys. Can I get you anything to drink?”

“No thank you. Baby, do you want a drink?”

“No thank you, sir.”

I see Sam's eyes furrow at Dani calling me sir, but I decide not to comment on it. I want to know what she thinks with as little inside information as possible. Of course, I'll answer her direct questions, but the cop in me wants to withhold the details to see how good she is at her job.

“So, you guys can just call me Sam. I don't like the whole doctor title. Are you ok with me calling you Elijah and Danica?”

We both nod and Sam continues, “Do you know what it is I do?”

“Not really. Your dad just said you are doing some pioneering work with new treatments in PTSD and the like.”

“Yeah, I'm doing that. I'm a psychologist and a psychiatrist, so I can prescribe medications and I also work on behavior and mental processes. I do counseling and hypnotherapy and other forms of therapy. It really just depends on what the individual's needs are. Dani, would you like to have the session alone?”

Dani's head snaps up quickly and I see the panic in her eyes. “Oh! No ma'am... Please Eli...”

“It's ok, sweetheart. I'm not going anywhere if you don't want me to... Sam, Dani's here under the impression I can stay with her. She doesn't like to be without me in new situations.”

“That's fine. No problem, Dani. He can stay if you want him to. I'm ok with that. No need to panic. So, is there anything specific that I need to know about? Any medications?”

“Dani's on Modecate. It's 50 milligrams every 5 weeks.”

“How is that working?”

“It seems to be helping, but it doesn't get rid of the anxiety completely.”

“50 milligrams is quite a high dosage, but it does depend on what we're dealing with. Do I need to know anything?”

“Dani has a photographic memory. She remembers everything she's ever seen or read.”

Sam looks shocked and then she thinks for a little while before saying, “A completely photographic memory?”

I nod.

“Dani?”

“Yes ma'am?”

“You don't forget a single thing?”

“No ma'am.”

“There's no recorded cases of anyone like you...”

“I know. My poppa kept it a secret. He didn't want me to be an experiment.”

“Fair enough. I was going to try a treatment that takes you back into the memories and gets you to alter the images. So for example, putting clown masks on the people who are causing the bad memories or changing them to have a kitten head or whatever works, but I think that won't work. It might help in the short term, so it's worth thinking about still. I would like to increase the dose of Modecate then. If we can help the anxiety, then we can work on the memories without the risk of a panic attack. It'll mean your body won't be able to physically panic. Are you willing to try that?”

“I won't be scared?”

“You will, but the feeling will be drastically reduced and your body won't be able to react the same way. You'll feel a bit of fear, but your body won't allow you to have the shortened breath or the other things you associate with a panic attack. Would you be ok with an increased dose?”

“Will I get addicted?”

“Is that a worry to you?”

“Yes ma'am.”

“I haven't had any cases of addiction to Modecate, but every person is different. My professional opinion id for you to at least try an increased dose for a few months and see how you get on. If you are still worried, then we can drop the dose for a few months and then reassess after that. The doctor that prescribed you Modecate, did they tell you that you can't just come off the drug completely?”

“Yes ma'am.”

“Ok, good. You don't need to call me ma'am, Danica.”

Dani drops her head and I see her hands shaking as she apologizes.

I whisper in Russian, “It's ok, Dani. You're not in trouble. It's ok.”

I look at Sam and explain, “She's been taught to be respectful. It's a coping mechanism and it's better if you don't call her on it. Once she gets to know you it'll reduce. Just give her some time.”

“Ok. So I need to ask you some questions, Danica. Are you ok with that? If you feel uncomfortable or you want me to stop asking questions, please just tell me. Ok?”

Dani nods, but doesn't look up.

Sam starts speaking again, “I need you to know that you're safe, Danica. No one is going to hurt you here. This is a safe place and I want you to trust that you will be safe. I want you to speak freely here. You can say whatever you want, even if you think we won't like it. Whatever you say in here stays in here. There will be no consequences to whatever you say in here. Ok?”

Dani nods again, but I know she doesn't believe that. I can see it a mile away so I look over at Sam to see if she can see that too. The look on her face shows me that she knows Dani is skeptical about that, but she repeats it, in the attempt to get the message across.

“I need to know a little bit about what has brought you here, Danica. I don't need specific details, but I do need to know if it's a single event that has brought you here. It says in the notes from the hospital that you were attacked in your home a few months ago. Is that why you are here?”

Dani shrugs,so Sam continues, “So, it's not just a single event? There's a deep rooted problem here? Maybe years of trauma?”

Dani nods ever so slightly, that's certainly progress. It took her months to admit anything to me.

“Ok, thank you. That's very helpful. That helps me to decide a treatment. So, what is your job, Danica?”

I almost get whiplash from the change of topic.

Dani whispers, “I'm a threat analyst for the NYPD. You can call me Dani, ma'am.”

“Ok, Dani. Do you enjoy your job? It must be very interesting.”

“Yes ma'am. I like it very much.”

“Are you back at work yet?”

“No ma'am. Hopefully soon. I'm bored of doing nothing.”

“I can understand that...”

The session continues with Sam asking Dani about her job, what she likes to read, what music she listens to, her home back in Russia, and every so often she slips in a question about her panic attacks or what makes her scared. It's almost like she's trying to get the questions passed Dani, so she'll answer them without noticing. Dani is too clever for that and she passes on a few questions. She admits that small spaces scare her, as well as people and the unknown. She also admits that the thought of me getting hurt really frightens her.







Dani

I can't believe I just admitted that. Eli is sitting right here. Maybe this is a good way to communicate though. It's almost like I'm not the centre of attention and that I'm not talking directly to anyone. To be honest, Sam actually makes me feel a little bit at ease. I'm not saying I trust her or I'm completely comfortable in this situation, but I'm not as frightened as I thought I would be. She has a way about her that helps to keep the panic at bay. Not like Eli does, but I'm not having a panic attack right now so it must be working.

“What makes you think that Elijah is going to get hurt?”

“His job and taking care of me.”

“You think you're going to hurt him?”

I just shrugs. Eli doesn't speak or even move.

“Everyone I care about dies...”

“Everyone? Who else died?”

I have to swallow the lump that's formed in my throat before I can answer, “My parents...”

“Oh, I'm sorry. How did they die, Dani?”

“In a car crash. I was 10.”

“That's terrible. I'm sorry for your loss. You know it's not your fault, don't you? You aren't the reason they died. You could never predict a car crash...”

“I know.”

“Just because you care about someone, it doesn't mean they're going to die. You're only punishing yourself and the important people in your life by thinking that.”

“I just worry. Eli is important to me and I don't want him to leave me.”

I hear the smile in Sam's answer, “Somehow, I don't think he's going to leave you. I think he'd even clamber back from the dead to stay with you.”

I actually think he would. Now that I've seen how intent he is on staying with me, I believe he would really do that.

“He probably would...”

I hear Eli mutter, “Definitely would...”

I glance at him and see a smile playing on his lips and I try to return the smile.

“Ok, so I think I've got a few things I'd like to try with you, if you're ok to continue seeing me. I would like to see you at least once a week, if you'd be willing to do that.”

I like how she puts everything as a question, like she's not pressuring me into anything, but then it makes me have to choose. I think we've discovered I'm not so good at life choices.

I say the only thing I can actually say here, “Ok.”

“Good. I'm going to try something called Somatic Experiencing. Basically, it helps to combat the feelings you have when you're frightened or when you're having a memory. We'll talk through the responses your body has naturally and we'll try to recondition your mind to fight through those reactions so you can relax and work through the situation. I know that panic attacks cause you to freeze up and then you get kind of stuck in the moment or the memory. One of the most frustrating things about that is the fact that you can't do anything. You can't communicate and you can't escape. We're going to work on changing that. As I said before, I'd like to increase the medication to see if that helps. I'd also like to try reconditioning the memories, see if we can change the images enough so they don't scare you so much. I'll be honest with you, I don't know if that will work with your memory, but it would help you so much in the long run if we can do that. I won't start that treatment until we can control your physical response to the memories though. Obviously, we'll do things in your time and whenever you feel ready. I will monitor you closely and make sure you're ok with what we're doing. Also, I'm sure Elijah will ensure that you're ok. Does this sound ok with you?”

“Yes ma'am.”

“Good. I will always be completely honest with you, Dani, and you can ask me anything. This is a safe place and there will be no punishments and no one is going to tell you off. I need you to believe that. Ok?”

“Yes ma'am. It might take me some time.”

“I appreciate that. It's something to work on though. Have you got anything you'd like to ask me?”

I hesitate and then whisper, “Do you think you can help me?”

“Honestly? I will need some more information to know exactly what we're working with, but I feel positive that we can get you leading a more comfortable life. I think we can work through a lot of the issues and even though we won't be able to get rid of your memories, we will get you to a place where you can work through them more easily.”

“Thank you.”

“You're very welcome. You want to book another session for this week? I have Thursday evening free, same time. It'll just be us again.”

I nod slightly. I have to give this a go. The thought of having a more normal life might be within reach so I have to give it a try. I don't think I'll ever be normal, but maybe I can actually get to a point where I can bring myself back from a panic attack.

“Elijah, does that fit in with your schedule?”

“Yeah, thanks. Thursday at 7:30.”

“Good. I'll see you on Thursday. It was lovely to meet you both."



Both Eli and I thank Sam as we exit the room. We're silent the whole way home, but it's a contemplative silence and not uncomfortable. As soon as we step in the front door of his parent's house, Connie greets us with dinner and we're silent through dinner as well. The session has given us both a lot to think about it seems. I know we'll have to talk about it some point, but for now I just need to get my mind around everything that has happened.