Chapter Eighty-Nine



Dani

Eli picks me up for my appointment with Sam at 7pm on Thursday. I'm not quite as scared about this session, but I'm still apprehensive. When we sit down in front of Sam's desk, she smiles at us and asks, “How have you been, Dani?”

How do I answer that? Nothing has changed to be honest. So I just say, “Ok, thank you ma'am.”

“Good. Anything you want to talk about specifically?”

I shake my head quickly, but she just smiles in response.

“Ok. I would like to give you another dose of Modecate, if that's ok. I have spoken to Dr. Ramirez and we have figured out a new regime for you. He explained you administer the meds yourself. Is that right?”

“Yes ma'am.”

“Ok. I'll prepare the shot and then you can give it to yourself. I'd like to do that before we start anything else.”

When Sam returns with the shot, she is also carrying a wrist band. She places both on her desk, but doesn't explain what the band is for until I've taken the shot.

“I've found a wrist band quite helpful in a few of my patients. Basically, whenever you feel like a memory is taking over or you're starting to panic, you snap the band on your wrist, almost to snap you out of the moment. This works well when you're on your own or when you're with people who don't know how to calm you down. I'd like you to wear the band and at least try it for a few weeks. Just until we can make some headway with some other techniques. Is that ok with you?”

I nod and wait for her to tell me to take the band, before placing it on my left wrist.

“Good. Unfortunately Dani, I need to ask you to think about your physical responses to your memories. I want to start helping you to control those responses, but I need you to think about your reactions. What calms you down whenever you get scared or panicked?”

This one is easy to answer and I quickly say, “Eli.”

She smiles again, “Good. So, whenever you get scared or you feel like you're going to panic, I want you to picture Elijah standing right in front of you. How does he calm you down?”

“I don't know. He just does.”

“Elijah, what do you do to help Dani through a panic attack?”

“Depends on how bad it is. Sometimes I sing to her, sometimes I place her hand over my heart so she can count the beats.”

“And if it's really bad?”

“I hand her my gun...”

Eli says this like it's the most normal thing to do; like it's not dangerous in any way.

“Are you sure that's a sensible thing to do? Handing a panicking person a gun?”

“I take the bullets out, ma'am. I know the dangers of guns, and I would never give anyone a loaded gun unless I was absolutely certain they can use it correctly. It just makes Dani feel safer and in control more.”

I hear Sam let out a deep breath and then she says, “Ok, good. So, Dani, whenever you feel like you're scared or panicking I want you to imagine Elijah is standing right in front of you, singing to you. Just focus on his face for me, ok? Whatever happens, whatever response you have, I want you to just picture Elijah right there with you.”

I nod and she continues, “What is the first response you have when you panic? What does your body do first?”

I think for a few seconds and reply, “My heart races.”

“When that happens, I would like you to keep picturing Elijah is right there. Even if he isn't, just imagine it. If that doesn't work, try snapping the band and then focus on how you feel when Elijah is there. If it helps, imagine he is singing whatever song he sings to help you. The snapping of the band should help to refocus your thoughts a bit.”

I quietly ask, “What if I can't think? Sometimes my mind freezes and all I can think about is the thing that's scared me.”

“I appreciate that, and what I'm trying to do is help you to recondition your mind, so the reaction to the fear response becomes second nature to you and you don't even need to think about it. I know it will take some time, but we need to start somewhere.”

“Ok.”

“I don't want to upset you or make you uncomfortable, but I need to ask you to try to create a panic response so we can work on this. You don't need to tell me what you're thinking about or what has set you off, you just need to think about it. If you want to talk about it, that is fine, but I need you to know you don't have to do that.”

I look over at Eli and he sends me a tight smile before saying in Russian, “I know it's hard, baby, but she's trying to help you. You can do this and I'm right here. You don't have to imagine me being here, I'm sitting right here. Ok?”

I nod and take a deep breath.

Sam quickly says, “Elijah, I know Dani doesn't want you to leave the room, but I would like you to just let her do this on her own. She knows you're in here, but I don't want you to interfere in the process. Let her try to bring herself out of the panic.

It doesn't take much to set off a panic response. Let's be honest, there's a trillion different things that can set me off, but hearing Sam tell Eli not to get involved is a trigger. It's been a long time since I've had to deal with one of these on my own and I don't think I can do it. That's one of the reasons I stayed away from everyone and everything. Not being able to control the panic attacks left me vulnerable because I would just pass out. Anything can happen if I pass out. The panic sets in and my heart starts racing. I try to picture Eli, but the thought of him not being able to help, scares me.

My heart is going at an abnormal rate and I can feel the sweat start to run down my back. I know Sam told me to do something else, but I can't focus. My breathing is starting to quicken and my chest is tight. I can't hear anything except for the pounding and whooshing in my ears. I so desperately want to do well. I want to make Eli proud of me, but I'm failing yet again. I always mess up. This thought makes me upset and that worsens my condition. It's not long before I try to croak out, “Eli...? Can't breathe...”

It's then I remember what Sam told me to do, so I snap that band like a crazy woman. It does nothing for me and now I'm really starting to panic. When my heart feels like it's going to burst and the blackness appears at the edges on my vision, I see Eli's face in front of me. I feel him touch my hand, but the contact causes a panic in me at first and I snatch my hand away. When realization hits me and I remember it's Eli, I carefully give him my hand and he places it over his heart. I count the beats and look at his face, trying to focus.

I'm so embarrassed when I eventually get myself together and I cover my face with my hands. I feel a few tears escape and I take a deep breath, trying to stem the flow of tears. That's not going to make things better and I don't want to start crying in front of Sam. I apologize profusely, but I don't voice the fact that I'm disappointed with myself. I don't tell her or Eli how ashamed I am of myself right now.

“No need to apologize, Dani. I wasn't expecting you to get it spot on first time. It's a process and we work over time with it. Eli, I would like you to work with Dani at home on this. Any time she starts to panic, try to reinforce this process and see if she can bring herself out of the cycle. Obviously, you can't let her get to that stage, but at least let her try the techniques. Ok?”

“Yes ma'am.”

Sam tries to get me to practice the techniques again, but it's not really working. I get too worked up and I can't focus on what she's telling me. Because of this, I'm upset and angry with myself and that doesn't help matters.

Sam smiles softly at me and says, “Don't be upset, Dani. It's not something that can be fixed in one session. I honestly didn't realize how severe your panic attacks were. There are some deep rooted problems here and I think I'm going to have to rethink our treatments. Let me have a think and do some research and I'll speak to you more about it at our next session. Please don't let this deter you from progressing, Dani.”

“I'm sorry.”

“No need to apologize. This is all for you and at the speed you need to take things. Everyone is different. Everyone has different experiences and different reactions. We just need to figure out what works for you and then we can go from there. Would you like me to book another session?”

“Yes ma'am. I'm trying, I promise.”

“I know you are, sweetheart. It's ok, honestly. I want you to feel comfortable and safe in this room, which is why I don't want to push you too much. We'll work it out.”

We book a session for Monday evening and then Eli and I go back to his parent's house. Eli's cell rings not long after we get home and he leaves the room to take the call, while Connie and I work in the kitchen setting out dinner.





Eli

Sam is calling my cell and I know I can't answer it in front of Dani or my mom, so I take it out in the garden.

“Hey Elijah, is this a convenient time?”

“Yes ma'am. Go ahead.”

“I'm sorry the session with Dani didn't work out as planned. I didn't realize there was such a severe reaction there.”

“I probably should have warned you, but I didn't want it to influence your treatment.”

“No, that's fine. I needed to see that for myself. How bad was that panic attack?”

“We've had worse. She's passed out before. There's been times when she's not been able to breathe at all and it's taken a long time to get through to her. That was probably a medium level attack.”

“Right. How is she talking about what happened to her?”

“With me? Much better. It's not something she likes to talk about and it doesn't come easily to her. She doesn't usually freely offer information. I either have to coax it out of her or she talks about it after something has happened; either a memory, a nightmare or a physical incident. Why?”

“I think she needs to talk about what she's bottling up. Her mind is so full of everything that she can't filter through it all to focus on bringing herself out of the panic attack. Usually the treatments I use don't require the patient to talk about their experience, but Dani is certainly not a case I've ever come across. I know I can never get her to forget the images, but I think her mind is full of her feelings toward whatever happened. Feelings toward herself, what she feels about you and your reaction to it, among other things. I think she needs to release some of the things going on in her mind before she can start to deal with the physical processes. I just wanted to find out from you how you think she'll respond to that suggestion.”

“Honestly? I think she'll freak out. She doesn't want to talk about it. She's all kinds of ashamed about her past and having to tell someone about it fills her with dread. She doesn't want me to know about most of the things that happened and I'm the closest one to her. I don't know how she'll feel about telling a complete stranger, no offense or anything.”

“None taken. Although, sometimes talking to a stranger is a safer option. There's no need to worry about a strangers reaction to it all. Can you give me any information to work with?”

I sigh and toss up whether or not I should say anything. If it makes it easier for Dani, then I'll tell Sam myself.I would do anything to make it so that Dani doesn't actually have to say those words.

“She was held by a gang for 10 years. They did a lot of nasty stuff to her and that's why she has all these issues.”

Sam is silent for a little while and I almost think she's hung up until I hear her release a deep breath.

“I thought it was something similar to that. I actually thought it might have been a long term abusive relationship. Were they the ones who attacked her?”

“Yeah. I'll do whatever I need to do to make Dani feel comfortable and safe. If you think her talking to you about it is her best option, then I'll talk to her about it. I can't promise she'll go for it, but I can explain it to her better than most people. I can get through that panic she has and talk it out with her. She'll tell me what she really thinks.”

“What you have is very special, Elijah. I don't know how you do what you did, but it helps her so much. I'll speak to her on Monday first, and then you can judge what you need to do based on her reaction. Is that ok with you?”

“Yes ma'am. Thank you for your help, Sam.”

“Honestly? It's my pleasure. I just hope that we can get Dani leading as normal a life as possible.”

I take a few minutes to think after I hang up the call. The Cap and Greggson are waiting for me to question Dani about where she was held. After tonight's session with Sam, I don't really want to do that, but I know they'll ask me in the morning. I have kept them off my back for a little while, but Interpol need answers and if I don't get them they will bring Dani in and ask her themselves. Obviously, that's not something I want to happen.

As I walk into the kitchen, I see my mom and Dani talking. Dani is smiling slightly at something my mom has said and the gesture warms my heart. She really is trying and that makes me so proud. I don't mean that in a patronizing or condescending way. Despite everything she's been through and how people have treated her, she's trying to let my family into her life. That is quite an amazing thing to be honest. I'm not sure I would be able to accept people back into my life if the tables were turned.

Dani's smile is turned on me when I sit down at the breakfast bar next to her and I can't help but smile back.

She whispers, “Hey.”

“Hey yourself.”

“Everything ok, sir?”

“Yes ma'am. So, what's for dinner?”



And just like that, we slip into the normal evening routine.