Chapter Ninety-One



Dani

Monday morning is here and I'm getting ready for work. It feels so weird to be going back. Eli spoke to the Captain on Saturday and he told me to come in today to talk about starting back. I'm not going to lie, I am so nervous right now, but the higher dose of Modecate is starting to work and the panic and nervousness have to fight a little harder to reach the surface. I'm quiet at breakfast, but no one comments, which I am thankful for. I feel so self conscious right now. So much has happened since I was last at the precinct and I'm sure everyone knows about my history. I'm embarrassed and ashamed by that fact. I'm also conscious of the fact that I'm not wearing proper workwear. I can't get smart pants over my cast, so I have to wear a pair of sweat pants with the leg cut just above the cast. I've got Eli's SWAT training shirt on, so I won't look completely out of place, but I still don't feel comfortable.

We're heading out the door at 6:15am and Connie says, “Call or text me if you need me. You'll be fine, honey, but if you need to hear a friendly voice, just call.”

“I will, thank you.”

As we enter the precinct, I tense up and automatically look for the stairwell door. It was always my last chance at quiet before having to be around the work force. Eli sees where I'm looking and he whispers, “I know you want to, baby, but you can't manage all those stairs. We should be good in the elevator. We're between shift changes, so there shouldn't be too many people milling around. It's going to be ok, sweetheart. I promise.”

I nod but I'm not completely convinced. Even still, I hop along slowly after Eli to the elevator. Ash is standing by the doors, waiting for them to open as we approach. There's nothing fake about the beam that's just crossed his features. He is genuinely happy to see me and my heart constricts just at that thought. I still can't comprehend the fact that people want to see me; that they care about me.

“Hey darlin'! How are you doing?”

“I'm ok, thank you. You?”

“I'm great, now that I've seen you again.”

Eli frowns and a weird look crosses his features as he says, “You just saw her a few days ago, Ash.”

“Still feels like forever ago. Ramirez, don't look so jealous. I'm not trying to steal your girl...”

My cheeks heat up and my body feels like it's thermostat has been turned up to an unnatural level. I stare at the ground, because I know my face will be beet red and I don't want either of them to notice. When I hear their chuckles, I know trying to hide my reaction was a complete fail. They know me; they can read me better than anyone else. I should have known they'd be able to see through my attempt at covering it up.

The elevator doors slide open before either of them can comment. Ash gets on first and shoots me a dazzling smile before I hop in after Eli. Is that guy always happy? He never seems to be frowning or sad. How is that even possible? He's like the polar opposite of me. I find it difficult to smile and he never seems to stop smiling.

Before I even realize what's happening, my mouth opens and I blurt out, “Do you ever feel sad, Ash?”

I gasp once I recognize what I've done and I try to make myself small. The panic isn't as great as it usually is, but my brain knows to expect an explosive response, so it prepares itself for a blow.

He's quick to answer, but his voice is quiet and full of pain as he says, “Yes, right now. When I see your instinctive reaction to an innocent question, then I feel sad. I feel sad when I think you're always expecting one of us to hurt you. I feel sad when you are scared to ask me something or talk to me properly. But, it makes me happy to see you trying. I'm glad that you accidentally let that question slip. It means you're feeling a bit more relaxed around me. I don't care what you ask me, I want you to feel like you can ask anything. I don't want you to be scared of my reaction. I will never, ever lay a hand on you.”

I choke back a sob at the sincerity of his words. This is not how I planned the morning, but it has taken my mind off the elevator journey completely.

I whisper, “I know. Just a natural reaction, I'm sorry.”

Ash's smile is not as bright as it was before, but it is still there as he says, “No need to apologize. As long as you know I'm not going to hurt you, then we can work on the rest. I'm really so glad you're back, Dani. We've all missed you far too much.”

“I've missed it too.”

He must notice I don't say I've missed them, but I only see a slight falter in his smile. I have missed them all in my own weird way, but I'm not ready to voice such a thing yet. The words would only get stuck on the way out, so I don't even attempt to say them. I miss the familiarity that comes with the precinct. I miss the normality that life brought. Everything is so messed up now and nothing is ever going to go back to the way it was before the attack. Everyone knows. Even if it's a small snippet of the truth, they know something. I will never get back the privacy I had before, so in that way I have missed everyone.

As I make my way to my desk, I hear the Captain's voice. “Is she here yet?”

Eli has been silent this whole time and I'm worried he's upset about what Ash has said and our little exchange. I'm about to ask him if he's ok, when he speaks up.

“Yes Cap, she's here.”

“Good stuff. I was worried you'd change your mind and stay at home, Dani.”

“No sir.”

“I'm glad to hear that. How are you doing?”

“I'm ok, sir, thank you.”

“Great. Shall we head to my office for a quick chat? Ramirez, I need to see you as well.”

We head to the Captain's office and I let out a sigh as I slump on the chair. Both men turn to me and eye me closely with small smiles on their faces. I turn a bright shade of red and whisper, “Sorry, the crutches are tiring.”

“When does the cast come off?”

“I'm not sure, sir. I think I have to see the doctor next week. Eli, is it next week?”

“Yes ma'am. Next Thursday.”

“Hopefully he'll give you the all clear. Until then, you'll solely have desk duties. Do you want to just get back in to it?”

“Yes sir, if that's ok.”

“More than ok. I've been looking forward to having you back. Everything is pretty much the same as when you left. I have some tapes for translation and surveillance for you to run. There will be some threat files on your desk tomorrow. I wasn't sure if you would be staying today. You want to go get yourself settled?”

“Yes sir. Captain?”

“Yeah?”

“I'm glad to be back.”

“That's what I like to hear. I'm very glad you're back too.”

I make my way to my desk and carefully take in everything as I sit down. Nothing has really changed, except some dust laying around. I fire up my computer and take a moment to settle myself before starting on the translations for the Captain.







Eli



“How is Dani doing really?”

“Better. She's changed a lot in the last few weeks.”

“Good changes?”

“Definitely.”

“Glad to hear it. Have you questioned her at all?”

“I did. She has no more information at this time. She's trying, Cap, but the memories are locked up by the drug haze she had back then. She said she'd keep trying to get the memories and give us what she can. It's just a waiting game unfortunately.”

“I understand. Does she know this Misha guy?”

“She heard the name, but she's not sure if she saw him. Not everyone told her their names.”

“You think it's worth showing her a mug shot? Maybe if she recognizes him, then we'll know if he's in this country.”

“Possibly. Maybe not right now though. I'll show her before we leave.”

“Sure thing. You can use in here or an interview room if you need somewhere quiet.”

“Thanks. What's on today?”

We slip into the routine of a work day and it's lunch time before I even blink. As I have a quick break, I check in on Dani.

“Hey sweetheart. How's it going?”

“Good thank you. I like being back.”

“I like that you like being back. We really have missed you being here.”

“Eli?”

“Yes ma'am?”

“Are you still angry?”

“Angry? When was I angry?”

“In the elevator...”

“I wasn't angry, Dani. Maybe a bit jealous...”

She looks shocked by that, so I try to find a way to explain.

“It seems to be easier with you and Ash, like I'm missing an important something only he has. I know what we have is different, but I'm a bit jealous of the relationship you 2 have. I can't help that. I know all the team wants to be friends with you, and I totally see why. They think you're cool, and they're right. But I just get a bit over protective and the green eyed monster comes out. I apologize for that and you have nothing to worry about. I might just be a bit moody with the guys is all.”

She looks confused and shocked by my revelation, so I smile and reach for her hand. As I entwine our fingers I whisper, “Don't be so surprised that people want to be your friend. You're a special person, beautiful inside and out. People want to share in that and they want to care about you. You just have to try to let them. Ok?”

“Ok.”

I bring her knuckles up to my lips and place a quick kiss on them. I want to be able to do so much more, but Dani isn't ready for that and the precinct is not an appropriate place for such things.

“The Cap wants you to take a look at a mug shot before we leave. Are you ok with that?”

“Do I have a choice?”

I think that slipped out by accident, if the shock on her face is anything to go by. I chuckle and say, “You do, kind of. You can put it off until you're ready, but it's not really coming from him. The big guys will come in and plow through him to get to me and then to you. So...”

“It's easier if I just do it for myself. I understand.”

“One day things will be different, sweetheart. I promise.”

“I know. It's getting better, slowly. I never thought it was possible, but...”

I smile brightly at her. I didn't think I'd hear her say those words. Especially after everything that happened recently.

“I have to get back to work. You going to be ok?”

“Yes sir. Be careful, Eli.”

“Always, sweetheart. Always.”

She shoots me a little smile and I appreciate the gesture every time she does it. I know smiling doesn't come easy to Dani, but it seems to be less of a struggle nowadays.

I don't see Dani again until it's time to clock out. I make sure the tactical gear is all stored away safely and I grab my jacket from the locker room before heading to Dani's desk. The Cap is chatting to her, so I just stand back and wait for them to finish. Dani's eyes flicker to mine as soon as she sees me. That girl has seriously done a number on me, if the momentary skip of my heartbeat is anything to go by. Seeing the way she looks at me has me all kinds of happy right now. She's such an amazing and beautiful woman that I'm not surprised the jealousy runs through me when the guys seem to get a little too friendly. I trust my team and I know that Dani would never be put in a compromising position, but nature declares that a man should be jealous of the attention guys give his girl. My body is just following through on nature's laws.

I can't help but notice the small smile on Dani's lips as she watches me. To think, a few months ago, she would never have looked me in the eye. It's like she's had a confidence boost. Maybe it's the drugs, but I'd like to think she trusts me more now and that's at least half of the reason for the change in her.

“You ready, sweetheart?”

“Yes.”

The Cap turns to me, “Ramirez, that file is in my office. I had a not so friendly call from the suits up top. They want some answers.”

I nod, “We're working on it, sir. You ready to do this, Dani?”

“Not so much, but ok.”

The Cap and I wait until Dani is settled on a chair in the Cap's office before I take the file. I know she doesn't want to do this, but she's trying to be brave. It's in this moment that I notice just how much the drugs are working. Dani hasn't freaked out yet. She hasn't had a panic attack and she's not a mess. At least, not on the outside. I have no idea what is going on inside of her. I'm sure there's a war raging in her mind and body. I'm sure her emotions are battling with the drugs to try and push through. I just hope she can hold it together long enough to get out of here without a melt down.

I take the photograph out of the file and hold it in my hands. I stare at the man's face. He's got dark eyes, greying hair and greying stubble. If you passed him on the street, you would think he's a normal person, not someone who is accused and suspected of such heinous things.

I whisper in Spanish, “You ok, Dani?”

“Yes sir. I can't really panic right now. The Modecate...”

“I don't know if that's a good thing or not.”

“Neither me. Can I ask who I'm supposed to recognize?”

“Just tell me if you recognize him and if you know his name. If you don't know him, then I'll tell you who he is. I'm not allowed to influence your thinking right now. Ok?”



She nods and I can actually feel her bracing herself for this moment.