Chapter Ninety-Two



Dani

This is one of the strangest feelings ever. My insides are trying to panic, but it can't quite push through the haze of medication. I don't know if that will last. It depends on who is in that photograph. It might be so terrible that the panic rips through this fog. When Eli hands me the picture, I look at the floor and then shut my eyes briefly before glancing at it. My eyes widen and my blood instantly turns to ice. It's those demon eyes.

I drop the picture and I hear myself chanting, “No, no, no, no...”

Now comes the familiar sense of panic. Although it is reduced drastically, I can still hear the whooshing in my ears and the racing of my heart. I remember what Sam said and I grab the band on my wrist and snap it like my life is depending on it. I'm trying so hard to fight back the memories but all I can see are those evil, demonic eyes.

Just when I think I can't take it anymore, Eli's face appears in front of me. At first I jump back because of the intrusion on my personal space, but then I remember it's Eli so I try to focus on what he is saying. I can see his lips moving, but I can't hear him. I reach for him and he grabs my hand before placing it on his chest.

It takes me a good few minutes to calm down and the images keep flashing before my mind's eye in waves. I whimper as I remember some of things that man did to me. I don't want to remember.

I don't realize I'm thinking out loud until I hear Eli say, “I know you don't want to remember, sweetheart. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.”

I take a deep breath and try to get a grip on my emotions. That is easier said than done, by the way.

Eli whispers, “You know who it is, don't you?”

I blurt out, “It's those demon eyes, Eli! Those eyes...”

I think my outburst catches him off guard, because he says nothing for a little while. It's the Captain that speaks next.

“Do you know his name?”

“No sir.”

“But you've seen him before?”

“Yes sir.”

“No name at all? Not even a nickname?”

“Devil man.”

“Is that what you called him or they called him?”

“Me. He's the one...! He sold me...!”

I gasp when I realize I just said that out loud. The room is silent and I can just hear my ragged breathing. I shouldn't have admitted that, but it's not like the Captain doesn't know already. He probably knows far more than I think.

After a long silence, Eli's voice breaks it, but he's not talking to me.

“Hiding in plain sight, Cap. Probably most of the guys that go there have no idea who he really is. They really can't give away his location, because they don't know it's him we're looking for. That's pretty crafty.”

“I'm sorry you had to do that Dani, but I thought it would be better for us to show you rather than some random suit. You've really helped us. Though I'm not sure that's much consolation at the moment. I do need to make some calls now.”

Eli tugs on my hand and helps me to stand up. I feel like I'm in a daze; like I'm here but not really here. Maybe it's a good thing I have a session with Sam tonight. I never thought I'd say that, either. A lot of strange things are happening today.

I hear myself say, “See you in the morning, Captain.” It doesn't sound like me. The voice is cold and distant.

Eli and I don't say a word the whole way out of the precinct, in the car, or on the drive to Sam's office. When he parks up and switches the ignition off, that's when he breaks the silence.

“Hey, how are you doing?”

“I don't know.”

“You sure you want to have this session? We can book it for another day.”

“It's ok. Eli?”

“Yes baby?”

“You think you can get him?”

“We're sure going to try. We just have to find him. Arrow's working on it and so are we. There's a lot of people out there looking for him.”

“He's Misha, isn't he?”

“Yes baby, he is.”

“Ok. Let's get this done.”

I know what I have to do, even if I don't want to. I have to ask Sam for her help to remember. I just don't know if I can let Eli hear it all.

When we sit down in Sam's office, she asks about my weekend and how I've been. I tell her I started work today and she's very pleased to hear that. She says the little bits of progress are good and they all add up. She asks about my panic attacks and we can truthfully tell her they haven't been as bad, but Eli does tell her things have been pretty quiet. I notice he doesn't tell her about the one in the Captain's office. He probably doesn't want to remind me, and I appreciate his sensitivity.

I whisper, “I did have one today.”

Eli's head snaps toward me so quickly I'm sure he has whiplash.

“You did?”

“Yes ma'am. They had to show me a picture and it reminded me of... things...”

“I'm sorry, Dani. How did you cope?”

“It wasn't as bad as it should have been. The Modecate helps. Eli had to help me though.”

“That's ok. Did you remember to use the band?”

“Yes ma'am.”

“Good. And did it help?”

“Sort of. It made me remember I wasn't back there, but it didn't stop the memories.”

“That's a start though. I'm very pleased about this. That is good work, Dani. How do you feel now?”

“Weird.”

“Weird how?”

“Like I'm not really here.”

“That's the drugs reacting to the chemical change in your body. You'll probably feel like that for a few hours. Is there anything you want to talk about?”

I'm silent for a few minutes, trying to actually do this. I need to just get the words out and then we can move forward from there. I quietly say, “I need your help...”

“That's what I'm here for. What do you need help with?”

“I need to remember something.”

I feel and see Eli stiffen beside me and he's quick to speak up, “No Dani. You don't need to do this. No one is making you do this. You don't have to do this...”

I don't want to argue with him, but I need to do this.

“I have to, Eli. I have to help you find him...”

“At what cost? I'm not risking your happiness. We will find him. I don't want you to do this; not at this cost.”

“I'm sorry, sir. I have to help...”

It's Sam that interrupts, “Eli, if Dani feels this strongly about it, then I think we should let her do this. She must know if she's going to be able to handle it.”

“I don't want to upset her any more...”

I tentatively reach for Eli's hand and I entwine our fingers as I say, “Eli, I remember worse things every single day, unmentionable things. I need to help you find him. You're not going to rest until you do and it is selfish of me to withhold information. They're not going to stop asking until I give them the information.”

He sighs, but doesn't say anything. He knows I'm right. Another thing I never thought would happen. Eventually he squeezes my hand and whispers, “I'm sorry it has to be like this, baby.”

“It's not your fault.”

He shoots me a sad smile and I can see the worry in his eyes. I'll feel a bit safer if they can actually find this guy, so even if I'm uncomfortable or scared right now, in the long run I'll be safer. Right? Everything falls silent for what feels like a few minutes, but I'm not really sure how long it actually is. Eventually, Sam speaks up.

“So, you're having trouble remembering this person?”

“No ma'am. I need to remember a place, but I have no recollection of it at all.”

“Ok, so we need to release a repressed memory. Do you mind me asking why you have no recollection of it?”

I sigh, “I was unconscious at first, and then I was in a drug haze...”

I don't feel any form of judgement coming from Sam, so I hazard a look at her. There's a sadness in her eyes, but there's no disgust. That takes me by surprise and I don't quite know how to compute that. I was expecting her to throw some form of judgement at me. I wouldn't blame her for that.

“Ok, so we'll need to go back to your last known memory from that time and then we can try to access the hidden memory. I'd like to try some hypnotherapy with you, if you're ok with that?”

I nod slightly. I don't want Eli to hear what I might give away, but I don't know how to say that. I'm not brave enough to just say it out loud and I really don't want to upset him. He really has been amazing and I don't want him to think I'm just throwing his gestures in his face. Sam must pick up on my apprehension, because she says, “Elijah, I think it might be best if you let Dani and I have some time on our own. I promise you that I will take care of her.”

I see the alarm on Eli's face before Sam has even finished talking, so I try to ease his worries.

“You going to be ok without me? What if you panic? Who is going to help you?”

I whisper, “It's ok, sir.”

“If Dani panics, I'll come and get you, Eli. I promise. She will be ok. I just think it'll be better to do this with just the two of us.”

Eli looks at me carefully, probably trying to read me.

“You're sure, baby? If you want me to stay, then I will.”

“It's ok, Eli. I'll be ok. I've got to be brave, right?”

“No, you already are brave. You don't have to do this just to prove a point, sweetheart. I'm never going to change my mind about you being brave.”

“It's ok, honestly. I'll be ok.”

He nods, brushes a kiss over my knuckles and whispers, “I'm just outside if you need me. You only have to call out, ok?”

“Yes sir.”

Sam and I sit in silence once Eli has left the room and shut the door. She's the one to break the silence again, “Why don't you sit on the couch, Dani. It'll be much more comfortable.”

I tentatively take the couch and Sam sits on the chair not too far from the foot of the couch.

“I was reading that you didn't want Elijah to be here for this. Was I correct?”

“Yes ma'am. I don't know what I'm going to remember.”

“You don't want him to hear it?”

“Oh, no ma'am. If I choose to tell him things, then I want to be in control of what information I give him...”

My face heats up as soon as I realize how honest I've just been. She doesn't comment on that. She simply says, “I agree with you. They are your memories and you should reveal them when you are ready. Although, I will tell you that you could probably tell that man you're an alien from outer space and he'd still care for you the same way. He's a special one, that's for sure.”

“He really is.”

She smiles at me and then says, “So, I need a little bit of background information. Is there anything you want to tell me about?”

I think for a few minutes and eventually say, “I escaped from some bad people by faking my death. They threw me in the trash.”

“How did you fake your death?”

“I took a mixture of drugs to knock myself out enough that I was barely breathing.”

“That was very brave. It could have gone horribly wrong.”

Being honest with Sam doesn't seem so difficult or daunting right now. Maybe it's the drugs or maybe it's because I'm not worried about what Eli will think of me.

“Not really brave. It wouldn't have been so bad to die, honestly. Staying in that place would have been worse than dying.”

“Would you like to talk about that place?”

I'm quick to answer, “No ma'am. Not yet.”

Maybe I will someday, but not today.

“No problem. Whenever you are ready, you just tell me. Why do the police need you to remember this particular memory?”

“They want to try and find it.”

“There's an ongoing investigation?”

“Yes ma'am.”

“Ok, let's see if we can help the police then. So, I'd like you to close your eyes and try to relax. Take nice deep, cleansing breaths....”

She carries on talking to me, in a slow and deliberate voice and I almost find myself falling asleep. She takes me back to that night. She asks me to remember taking the drugs and how they made me feel. She asks me to look at my surroundings before I fall unconscious, so I tell her what I see. A dark room, with a cot, a bucket for a toilet and a big, heavy wooden door. There's a keyhole under the door handle, but I always hear them slide a lock across as well as a key turning.

Then she asks me to remember how I felt when I came to, in the dumpster. I can remember the raging headache and the chills. I was only wearing undergarments and the drugs were having side effects, as well as the chill of the air making me cold. I was all over the place. My mind was a mess and my body was doing nothing I wanted it to. I remember just laying in the trash, burying myself into the bags, trying to get warm and trying to get myself together enough to get out of there. I was also acutely aware of the sounds in the area. I was paranoid they'd come back for me; like they'd figured out my plan and they were on their way back to get me.

I can feel my body starting to panic as I hear myself say, “I'm so scared! I don't want to go back! I can hear my ragged breaths and my head and heart are pounding. I'm sure people walking past must hear it too...”

“Dani, I need you to listen to my voice. You are safe right now. I need you to look outside of yourself. Imagine that you are standing outside of the dumpster, watching yourself. Can you do that?”

I try to imagine myself standing in the alley. It must be working, because I didn't remember the alley before.

“I'm in an alley.”

“Good. Ok, look around. Just a quick look. Make sure there's no one else there. Make sure you're safe.”

I do a quick look. There's no one around.

“Good. Take a closer look at the walls. Can you see anything on them? Any signs or posters?”

“There's a skull. It has wings...”

“Good. Is there anything else you can see?”

“I can smell Rassolnik. It makes me think of my momma.”

“Take a closer look and listen to everything. Is there anything that can tell you where you are? Maybe a street name?”

“There's screaming... lots of screaming. They're going to find me! I have to get away!...”

“It's ok, Dani. Just listen to my voice. You're safe. No one is going to hurt you now. I need you to climb out of the dumpster and retrace your steps. Tell me what you see.”



I can feel my breathing kick up a notch as I climb out of the trash. I'm absolutely petrified right now. If they find me now, there's no telling what they'll do to me. I have to find something to cover myself. I can't walk around naked. I quickly look in the trash and I find a disgusting old jacket. I don't even care that it stinks, it's better than the alternative. It's just turning dark, so maybe I'll have more of a chance of escaping without being seen. I press my back against the wall and move slowly and carefully to the mouth of the alley. There aren't too many people around, so I try to blend in. Surely that's not possible with the way I look and the way I'm acting. I'm still having trouble seeing straight because of the drugs. I need to find a safe place to sleep this all off. Maybe I can come up with a better plan after a rest.



I'm snapped out of the memory by Sam's voice telling me that it's all ok. I hear a snap and I quickly open my eyes to find she's just clicked her fingers. I sit up straighter and rub my hands over my face and that's when I feel the tears.

Sam whispers, “You really were scared, weren't you?”

“Yes ma'am.”

“You're very brave, you know that? Most people wouldn't have tried to escape. Especially knowing what would happen if they were caught...”

I must look shocked, because she continues, “You were remembering out loud. I didn't think interrupting was the right thing to do. How do you feel?”

I shrug. “Did I help?”

“I'd like to think so. I'll talk to Elijah and see if he can pin point a rough location.”

“Can I do it, please? I need to tell him myself.”

“Of course you can. I think we should end our session here. I'd like to see you again on Thursday though. Is that ok?”

“Yes ma'am. Thank you.”

She sees me out and says goodbye to Eli and I as we head for the front door. We're silent the whole way home, but I'm not sure if he's angry. I think maybe more disappointed maybe. He probably feels a bit put out because he wasn't in the room, but I couldn't risk him hearing something I'm not ready to tell him.



I will tell him what I saw, but not right now. I'll wait until we're home and I can judge his mood a bit better.