Chapter Ninety-Seven



Dani



As we sit in Sam's office, I feel very odd. I don't even know how to describe it. My heart is light, but heavy at the same time. My leg feels very strange and light because there's no cast on it. It hurts a little bit now, but I can deal with the pain. It's not like I haven't felt worse. Eli must notice I'm in pain, because he places another chair in front of me and tells me to rest my leg on it. It's then that Sam speaks.

“I see you have your cast off. That's good. How does it feel?”

“A little sore, but very light. I almost feel like part of my leg is missing.”

She chuckles, “I can imagine. I broke my leg when I was in High School. Being a doctor's daughter does not make for the best patient. It was like having a permanent reminder of the do's and don'ts of leg breaking.”

Eli chuckles and I smile slightly at her. There's something about Sam that just makes me feel a little less frightened. She's in the right job, because she seems to put people at ease. Well, at least she puts me at ease a little bit.

“So, how has your week been?”

“Ok. Busy.”

“Anything you want to talk about in particular?”

I shrug, not really knowing what to say. Eli tries to make it easier by saying, “We're going to look at a house in the next few days...”

“You are? That's great! How do you feel about that, Dani?”

“Ok, good. It's daunting, but it's with Eli, so it'll all be ok.”

“I'm sure it will. He will take good care of you. Any panic attacks since I last saw you?”

So, we talk about going to find the alley and seeing Beth again. I don't reveal any memories or anything, but we work on the techniques to try to calm myself down. I seem to be able to get myself under control a bit better and Eli only has to intervene a few times. That's much better than before, when I couldn't even go through one attempt without him stepping in.

Sam presses the subject of Beth, wanting to know how I feel about the reunion.

“I feel awful that I just shut her out of my mind.”

“Do you know why you did that?”

“I didn't want to think about those days. But that's not her fault. I punished her because of my selfishness.”

“No, you did it for self preservation; to try to heal. You might not have gone about it the right way, but that's the only way you knew how to try. Anyone or anything linked to that past would have been a trigger, so you shut it all out completely. That is understandable and I'm sure Beth sees that. You say you're going back to see her again?”

“Yes ma'am.”

“That's good. For all of you. Eli included. It lets him know you're letting him into you life and it allows you and Beth to repair the relationship. It also shows that you trust Eli enough to let him into that part of your life. He's a patient man, you know this, but it helps to give him some insight into your life.”

I stare at my fingers. I don't want to hear that. It makes me think he's going to get fed up of waiting and he'll leave. A lone tear slides down my cheek, but no one can see it because my head is tucked so low. Eli doesn't need to see my face to know something is wrong, and he whispers in Russian, “I'm not going anywhere, baby. Even if you never tell me another thing about your past, I'm not leaving. We'll make our present and future together and that's all that matters. If you woke up tomorrow and decided never to reveal another thing about what happened, then I'd still be by your side. Sam didn't mean it that way, ok?”

I nod, but keep my chin tucked in. He gently places his fingers under my chin and cups my cheek in his hand. At first, I jump at his touch and I make an attempt to move back, but he whispers, “It's just me. It's your Eli. I'm not going to hurt you. Don't hide, baby. You're here to get help and Sam is just trying to do that. Don't shut down now.”

I lift my head slightly and hold Eli's hand before looking back at Sam. She has a sad smile on her face and it takes me a minute to realize that must be the first time she's witnessed me backing away from Eli's touch. That thought doesn't make me feel any better about my reaction.

We finish up the hour talking about my upcoming PT and looking at the house, but the mood is different. More somber and the atmosphere feels thick. I don't know why. It's like there's a looming question or subject that's being avoided. I'm not the one about to approach it, so I just bid Sam goodnight and follow Eli out.

We get back to his parent's house just after 9pm and Don and Connie are setting the table.

Don smiles when he sees my leg, “We thought we'd have dinner together as a 'cast coming off' celebration.”

I chuckle a little at the crazy name he most probably just made up.

“You must be hungry, waiting this long for us. I'm sorry.”

“No need to apologize, dear. Don and I have been looking forward to this dinner. So, what did the doctor say?”

So as we eat, Eli and I tell them what Dr. Stone said and about the PT sessions.

Connie then says, “I've booked a house viewing for Saturday and there's an offer on your place, Eli.”

“That quick?”

“Yes, it's a nice sized place in a good area and you've put al lot of work into it. I'm not surprised someone is already interested.”

“You think it's a good offer?”

“I do. Slightly more than you paid for it, so you haven't lost anything.”

“Sell it then. I'll get the guys to help me put everything in storage.”

“Will do. Dani?”

“Yes ma'am?”

“Have you thought about going back to your house to collect your things?”

My breath catches in the back of my throat. I wasn't expecting that question. I can't even answer. My mouth just hangs open in shock.

I see Eli staring at me out of the corner of my eye, but even looking at him doesn't help me recover from the shock. The thought of going back there forces the memories and pictures to come flooding back. Even through the drugs, the images are strong and unbearable. I snap the rubber band on my arm, but it's not doing much to help. I take in a shaky breath, and try to use the techniques Sam has shown me. A face appears in front of mine and I push the chair back out of shock and fear. At that moment, I don't see anyone I know and trust. I see Artur's face looming over me and I can't process all of the pictures and feelings. It's too much.

I hear myself calling out to Eli. I just keep screaming his name, like I'm back in that room and begging for him to come and rescue me. I haven't had a panic attack like this for a while and it's scaring me. It feels like I'll never be released from it's grip. Just as I'm about to scream for Eli to help me, I hear him shout, “Svetlyak! It's me! I'm here. I'm right here...”

I take in another shaky breath and say, “He's here! I saw him! Save me, Eli.”

“There's no one here, svetlyak. Just us. It's just us. Open your eyes, Dani. Look at me. See for yourself that it's just me.”

I didn't even know I'd shut my eyes, so I quickly open them to find Eli staring at me with an extremely worried look on his face.

My voice is quieter as I question, “Eli?”

“Yes baby, it's me. It's Eli. Hey, hey, look at me. Not everything around you. Just look at me. I'm right here and I'm not going to let anything happen to you. Just look at me...”

I stop checking out my surroundings, like there's a monster behind every piece of furniture and I look at Eli.

“That's my girl. I'm right here. Just take deep breaths. Count with me...”

We count my breaths together and eventually he says, “There's my Dani. You're back with me now.”

I blurt out, “I'm so sorry! I'm so so sorry!”

“You have nothing to apologize for. Do you want to grab a shower?”

He knows me far too well. He knows I always want to wash after memories like that. I nod and he helps me up. I forgot Don and Connie were there until Eli says, “I'll be back. Don't wait for me to carry on eating.”

I open my mouth to apologize again, but Eli speaks first, “Nope, don't apologize. It's not your fault.”

I am so embarrassed, frustrated and upset with myself right now. I thought things were getting better and then I have another stupid panic attack. Will these images and memories ever leave me alone? Will they ever get easier to manage?

Before I go into the bathroom, Eli says, “I'm just going back to the dining room. If you need me, just shout, ok?”

“Yes sir.”

“Dani? Don't be so hard on yourself. It's not your fault and you didn't intend for it to happen. I know you think it's set back your progress, but it's just a little bump in the road. Please don't be too hard on yourself. I'll be back in a little while, ok?”

I nod and head for the bathroom. I make sure the door is locked about 10 times before I strip off my clothes and step into a hot shower. I turn the water up as high as my skin will allow and I scrub myself until my skin is hurting. I sit under the cascading water and curl up into a ball, as the tears fall. I try so hard to be normal. I try so hard to carry on like I don't have the burden of a past full of demons, but no matter how much I try it doesn't seem to work. In the end it just catches up with me and hits me harder than ever before.

I hear my poppa's voice whisper, 'Stop running from it and tell Eli what happened that day. You'll never be free from it until you release it. You can't keep bottling it up.'

I gasp and choke on a sob before calling out, “Poppa? It's too hard. I can't do this anymore. Please help me. Help me to be strong and brave.”

'You are, my svetlyak. You are stronger and braver than you know. Tell him the truth. I promise it will help.'

As quickly as his voice appears, it's gone again. I haven't heard his voice in a while and I realize he mostly appears when I'm not doing as he told me. He told me to trust Eli and to talk to him. While I have been trusting Eli in some ways, I haven't really been talking to him. Not about my past. I'm always so frightened he's going to see how disgusting I am and run away. Although, he hasn't run thus far, so maybe the paranoia is all in my head.

When I exit the bathroom, I'm followed by a cloud of steam and I find Eli lying on the bed, hands behind his head and his eyes closed.

I move quietly so I don't wake him. I know he's tired, more mentally than physically, so I let him rest. I suddenly feel exhausted myself and I lay on the bed next to him. As I try to get comfortable, I whisper, “I'm sorry, Eli. I want to tell you, but I don't want you to hate me.”

He doesn't move or speak, so I seize the moment and decide to speak aloud the real events of that day, when the Russians broke into my house. He's asleep, he can't really hear me. This way I am releasing the burden but without the fear that he'll reject me.

So I take a deep breath and quietly speak of the events of that day.