Chapter Ninety-Eight



Eli

After I leave Dani to shower, I go out to the dining room to smooth things over with my folks. As soon as I step into the room, my ma bursts out an apology. She looks like she's about to cry.

“Ma, it's not your fault. The last 24 hours have been absolutely crazy for Dani. There's a lot she needs to process but she hasn't been able to do that. Unfortunately, that manifests itself in memories and nightmares. It's honestly not your fault. She just needs some time to go through everything in her mind.”

My pops asks, “Is she due another dose of Modecate? That was quite a severe one.”

“Yeah, I think next week. She will be ok, honestly. As sad as it is to say this, its not a new thing for Dani. She just needs some time to process.”

My ma looks shocked as she questions, “Don? You knew about these memories?”

“Don't look so surprised, Connie...”

I interrupt my pops. I don't want my ma to be angry with him. It's my fault he couldn't tell her anything about it.

“Ma, I told him not to tell anyone. I made him promise not to mention it to anyone before I told him what was going on. You don't want or need to know about this. Please just trust me. Besides, it's Dani's life and she doesn't want me to tell anyone. Please don't be mad at pops.”

“I'm not angry, Elijah. Just a bit shocked. Although, I probably shouldn't be. Your father has always known how to read you guys better than me. It's probably where you get it from. You will make sure Dani is ok, won't you?”

“Yes ma'am, I will. She needs a little bit of space right now though.”

The mood is dampened drastically, so I quickly finish up my food and head into the bedroom. I quickly change and lay on the bed, waiting for Dani to appear. I don't know how long I wait, but I must drift off to sleep, because I'm woken up by the sound of the bathroom door opening. I can feel the steam from the bathroom hit my face, and it doesn't take a genius to know Dani has been scrubbing her skin raw again. I don't move or even open my eyes, because Dani is being really quiet. I don't want her to think she woke me up. She'll feel bad about that. When she comes to bed, I'll just fall asleep again.

Dani climbs onto the bed. She shuffles around for a bit and I assume she's trying to get comfortable. After a few moments of silence, she whispers, “I'm sorry, Eli. I want to tell you, but I don't want you to hate me.”

Hearing those words almost makes me sit up and tell her how much I love her and how I could never, ever hate her. Just as I'm contemplating this I hear her pause, so I wait it out. It's like she's thinking about something and then she lays down and quietly speaks.

“I knew something was wrong, you know. I should have listened to my instincts, but I was so caught up in watching you guys on the cameras, and making sure you were safe, that I convinced myself I was imagining it. I heard noises outside my door, but I just thought I was being paranoid. I grabbed my gun, but I should have got out of there... None of this would have happened if I'd been more alert... I knew something was very wrong when I heard the shots at my door. It flew off the hinges and I tried to run, but they were too fast... It's amazing how quickly your mind works. In just a few seconds I realized the bomb scare was a diversion and then I wondered if they had something else planned for the team. Then I noticed they weren't wearing masks. I knew they were either going to kill me or they were going to take me back. I couldn't decide what was worse... I knew you'd come looking for me if they took me, but I knew I couldn't go through that all over again. But I didn't want to die. I didn't want to leave you like that. I was so scared, so so scared...”

She pauses as she chokes back a sob and I have to fight back my own tears. I can't see if she's looking at me, so I need to keep my body language and emotions under control so she thinks I'm still asleep. That's so much harder than it sounds, trust me, even with all of my training. None of the training prepares you to hear these awful things from the person you love the most.

Dani gathers herself enough to continue, so I just listen.

“I remembered my gun just as the breathing man was coming for me. I knew what he had planned. I knew what that look on his face meant. I'd seen it all those years ago and I didn't want that to happen again. I'd never shot anyone before, but I wanted it to be him rather than me. That sounds so horrible, doesn't it? I took a life and all I can think is I'm glad it was him and not me. What kind of wicked person am I for not feeling bad about killing someone? I managed to dash for the bathroom while they were shocked. They didn't think I'd pull the trigger, so everything went silent for a few seconds. They got me just as I was nearly at the bathroom door. They knocked the gun from my hand and I saw it slide under the bookshelf in my room. You know the big oak bookshelf? The one with all of the science books? That's where it slid. I could see it as they were beating me, but there was no hope in getting it...”

She pauses again and I can almost see her picking at her fingers. It takes her a minute or so before she starts talking again.

“The blows were continuous. They just wouldn't stop. In my mind I was begging them to kill me. I didn't want it to continue. It was too much. Everywhere was being hit all at the same time and it just wouldn't stop. They told me I'd be begging for their drugs before they were finished with me and they were right. I wanted something, anything to make it stop or take the pain away. I just kept thinking about you and how sorry I was for everything. I didn't want you to blame yourself. It wasn't your fault. I'm just glad they didn't hurt you. I don't want you to get hurt because of my past. When I thought it couldn't get any worse, they.... they....”

I hear a suppressed sob come from her and I'm so torn. I want to comfort her, but if she knows I heard all of that she'll probably feel betrayed because I let her believe I was asleep.

She tries to keep her sobs quiet, but I know she's seeing those images all over again. I can't let her do that on her own. Besides, I've never been able to keep sleeping when she starts crying or dreaming.

I jump up quickly and say, “Baby? What's wrong? What's going on?”

She shakes her head while she tries to gather herself. I know she's not telling me no; she's just trying to communicate without words.

“Dani? Deep breaths. Come on, breathe. Let the breath in, sweetheart.”

You know like when a baby really hurts themselves and they start to cry, but they're not breathing? That's what Dani's doing right now. I think she was trying so hard to cry quietly that she suppressed it too much and now it won't let itself out.

“Dani, you've got to breathe, baby. You need to take a breath.”

She reaches for my hand and I grab it quickly. I try something I haven't had to do since Fiona was a little baby. I take the palm of Dani's hand and I blow on it. I don't know if it will work, but it used to shock Fiona into taking a breath. Sure enough, Dani takes a sharp breath in and then lets out a sob. My heart does a little skip when her breathing kick starts again. That moment did scare me a little, I'm not going to lie.

“Shhh, baby. It's ok. I'm right here. No one is going to hurt you. It's ok.”

I run my fingers up and down her arm in an attempt to calm her down.

When her sobs soften and her breathing is back to normal, I quietly ask, “What happened, Dani?”

She whispers, “You weren't asleep, were you?”

I sheepishly shake my head and apologize. “I'm sorry, sweetheart. I didn't want to stop you from letting it out. I know you need to talk about it, but I also know you're scared of what I'm going to think. I promise you my feelings for you haven't changed after hearing what you said. No matter what you tell me, it's not going to change how I feel about you. I'm so sorry they did that to you. I'm so sorry I wasn't there...”

She interrupts and her tone is definite. “I'm not. They'd have killed you. They'd have made you watch and then killed you.”

The way she says it is so matter of fact that I believe that's what they would have done.

“At least I'd have been there for you, though. You shouldn't have had to go through that alone.”

“It would have killed me to know you were seeing that. You don't know what these people are capable of, Eli. They would have done things more hideous than you could ever imagine...”

“Yet you had to live and endure those things on your own. For that alone, I wish I had been there. If only to let you see my face and to let you know you weren't on your own. I really am sorry, Dani.”

“It's not your fault. You can't blame yourself for that. They'd have got me at some point. The beatings I can take, but the other stuff, that I can't live with. I can't deal with the knowledge that they did that to me, over and over again...”

This is good, she's talking about it more openly. This is major progress.

Her voice cracks and she chokes back another sob before continuing, “How do I get that back? How do I get to feel innocent and clean again? How do I live with this dirty feeling for the rest of my life? I can't and that makes me wonder how you can accept that fact. How can you accept that I'm so dirty? How can you stay, knowing that I've done and seen awful things? I've been with more people than you can possibly fathom, how could you possibly want to stay?”

This breaks my heart. To hear her speak these words, actually makes my heart feel like it's ripping in two. These people have so much to answer for and I know they'll never really get the punishment they deserve, not unless they're tortured and killed.

I swallow the lump that's wedged itself firmly in my throat and whisper, “Because I love you, that's why. I can't explain it all; that's like trying to explain why we can't see the oxygen we breathe, but I do know that I love you. Nothing you can tell me about your past or what you feel is ever going to change that. It's hurts me to hear you talk about what they did and how it's made you feel, but it will never change my feelings for you. In fact, it only makes them stronger because I can see just how strong and beautiful you are. You are strong, beautiful, kind and amazing in spite of what they put you through. That is true beauty, baby. To be put through everything you have been and still not hate the whole of humanity, that's a beautiful person right there. I know I can never get back what you lost. I wish with every part of me that I could, but I can't and that kills me. However, I can spend the rest of my life loving you and showing you that you aren't dirty or disgusting. I've never believed that for even a millisecond and I will spend forever proving that to you if I have to. You aren't the person they made you be. You are Danica Romanov, daughter of Aleksei and Irina Romanov. Not Tatyana or whoever they think you are. You are a good person and the woman I love. I won't let you believe otherwise. Ok?”

I see the silent tears roll down her cheeks. I've seen Dani cry enough to know that I haven't upset her with my words. She's feeling too much and she doesn't know how to process everything. I've already told her I love her; I'm not going to hold back and allow her to think these negative things about herself. I do something brave and I hold her face loosely between both of my hands. I can feel the slight tremble this gesture makes her body have. I know it's an involuntary reaction. I know she's not really scared of me, or she would have backed off completely. I'm learning to read the little signs now that I'm allowed a bit closer to her.

The tears keep streaming down Dani's face and I lean forward a little more.

I whisper, “Shh, don't cry, baby. I don't like to see you cry...”

I slowly kiss away the tears on her cheeks and Dani completely freezes. I hear the breath catch in the back of her throat, but she doesn't run away. I don't know if that's because she's too frightened or if she's trying to trust me.

“It's just me, baby. It's your Eli. I'm not going to hurt you and I'm not going to let anyone else hurt you. It's just your Eli...”

At my words, I see her take in a shaky breath, letting me know she realizes it's me. I kiss her cheeks again, then the tip of her nose and then her forehead as I hold her close. She buries her face into my shirt and I can feel the tears soaking the fabric, but I don't mind. I want her to feel comfortable with me and trust me to display any emotion she wants or needs to.

Eventually she whispers, “You are too perfect, Eli.”

“No I'm not. Maybe I'm just perfect for you. Like you are perfect for me. Dani?”

“Yeah?”

She didn't call me sir, that's a good sign.

“I honestly do want you to tell me anything. If it's on your mind, then it's open for discussion. I don't want you to think you can't talk to me about something. Ok?”

“You honestly mean that, Eli? Some of the things are just awful. I don't want you to think...”

I stop her right there, “Nothing you can say will ever make me think of you as anything but the woman I love. I've known you long enough outside of that situation to know who you really are. Nothing you can say will change my view on that. If you tell me about the horrible things they made you do, then it will make me sad and angry, I'm not going to lie about that, but it will never make me hate you or think you're dirty and disgusting. It will make me realize just how amazing and strong you are to carry on with life despite everything they've thrown at you. So, if you need to or want to talk about anything, then you go right ahead.”

I hear her mutter, “You have no idea what you're getting yourself into...”

“That's the plan, sweetheart, to give me an idea of what you went through. I will never be able to feel the same things, but I can help you and share the burden with you. Ok?”

“Ok.”

She nods, almost with purpose, like she's finally made the decision to let me in. I place another kiss on the crown of Dani's head and whisper, “Let's get some sleep, sweetheart.”



She settles against me and I hear her sigh after taking in a deep breath. It's almost like she's breathing in my scent, but Dani doesn't do things like that, so I must be wrong. I allow myself to keep that thought though, because I want to believe I make her want to do something like that.