Chapter One Hundred

Eli



Dani's asleep when I get back to my parent's house. It's just gone 2am so I try to be quiet as I slip into bed. I'm not quiet enough, because Dani jumps up, breathing heavily. I groan, “Sorry. I'm sorry sweetheart. I didn't mean to wake you or scare you. I'm sorry.”

Her voice is quiet and husky from sleep. “It's ok. I just fell asleep. I was waiting for you.”

“Sorry I'm so late. Did you have fun tonight?”

“We made cookies.”

“I could smell them when I walked in the door. And everything was ok?”

“Yep. Did you guys have a good time?”

“Yeah. We packed up a lot of my stuff. I don't have much, so it won't take long to move everything to storage. I missed you.”

“I missed you too.”

The fact that she admits that makes my heart flutter.

“Eli?”

“Yes baby?”

“What do we do about my apartment and my stuff?”

“That depends on you, really. If you want me to pack it all up, then I will. If you want me to get a removal company to do it, then I'll sort that out. If you want to sell it with all of your things in it, then that's cool too. You tell me what you want and I'll sort it out.”

“Is it bad in there?”

“It's been processed and sort of cleaned. There's no blood or anything in there, if that's what you're asking, but it's not tidy like you would have it.”

“Who cleaned it?”

“Me. I didn't think you'd want anyone else in there.”

“Thank you. I'm sorry you had to do that.”

“I didn't have to; I wanted to. In a way it was sort of therapeutic. I used that time to grieve and sort my thoughts out, without anyone else around. I could really take stock of what happened and process it myself. I needed that, so in a way it helped me.”

She nods, but doesn't say anything. I know she's got something on her mind, but she probably doesn't want to bring it up.

“What's on your mind, sweetheart? Just tell me what you're thinking about.”

I see her tossing something up. I can see it in her eyes. So I hold her close and give her an extra squeeze to reassure her. She must glean some courage and strength from my gesture, because she takes a deep breath.

“What did Dr. Stone tell you about when I was in the operating theatre?”

I frown. I don't know where this is going, but I'm going to be honest with her.

“He said your heart kept stopping because of the trauma and the blood loss. He said your injuries were extensive and he'd never seen someone pull through with such a head injury, let alone the gunshot wounds. He told me what they did to you, probably because he knew you either wouldn't be able to or wouldn't want to. He asked me if you would want to be resuscitated and if I was prepared to say my goodbyes if they couldn't get you back...”

I can't stop the sob as I remember that night. If that memory is still so vivid to me, how must Dani feel about all of her memories?

“He didn't say anything else?”

“No, I don't think so. That night was a rush of information and worry. I don't think he said anything else. Why? What's wrong? What didn't he tell me?”

“There was a complication with one of the bullets and it hit some of my internal organs. I guess that caused so much blood loss...”

“They didn't tell me. Does my pops know this?”

“I hope not.”

I give Dani an extra squeeze. She's shaking. I think she's scared and upset.

“What is it, Dani? You can tell me anything.”

Her voice is small and fragile as she whispers, “I can't have children, Eli.”

“I'm not expecting anything like that any time soon. I'm ok with waiting, baby. I'd never pressure you into something like that...”

“I can't have children. Like it's not physically possible. They had to take everything out. That's the organ that was damaged...”

Oh dear.

“Oh.”

I don't or can't say anything else. I'm too shocked. If I'm honest, I'm distressed by this news. I know Dani isn't ready to share her body with me, but I had hoped she'd eventually trust me enough to have a family with me. Hearing this isn't going to make me leave, but it does hurt. Yet another thing they've taken from Dani and now myself. I fight back my tears and try to swallow the lump that's in my throat. I don't want to upset her even more by breaking down right now.

I realize just how scared and insecure Dani is when she pleads, “Please say something...”

“I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry they took something else from you. I'm sorry we'll never have that privilege. I'm sorry that you'll never be able to be a mother. I'm just sorry for everything.”

“You're not angry with me?”

She sounds shocked.

“Of course not. It's not your fault. I can't be angry with you. I am angry with them though. Actually, angry isn't the right word. I want to kill them. I want to string them up, torture them and let them die a slow and painful death. I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but I'm not going to lie to you. It's heartbreaking news and I can only imagine how it makes you feel...”

“I don't know how I feel. I'm sad for you. It's another thing I can't give you. I can't even produce a family, even if I'm ever able to... you know...”

I sigh. She can't even say those words. There's so many words she could use, other than sex, but she can't say any of them. This is something we've never spoken about. I've never felt like I've been able to talk about it with her.

“Dani? I want to ask you something, but I don't want you to feel like I'm pressuring you or that you have to answer, ok? You have to promise you'll tell me you don't want to talk about it if I'm going too far. You promise?”

She pauses but then says, “I promise.”

I take a deep breath before speaking. “I know they did awful things to you. I understand why you'd never want to be with another man, but you don't think I'm the same as them, do you?”

“Oh! No sir!”

“Good. You ever think you could let me show you it's not supposed to be the way they made it? You ever think you could let me show you what love is really like?”

I hear the breath catch in the back of her throat. She literally holds her breath for more than 30 seconds. She moves away from me and I let her distance herself from me. I knew when I started this conversation that it might backfire. I begin to think she's not going to answer, but then her quiet voice breaks through the silence.

“I... I... I'm sorry....”

“No, don't apologize. I know this kind of conversation makes you uneasy and I really am sorry about that. I've never felt like I've been able to talk about it, but we do need to discuss it, baby. It can't be a topic we skirt around for the rest of our lives. I'm not pressuring you or expecting anything from you, I promise. I would never do anything you're not ready for.”

“I'm sorry Eli, I really am. I know I'm being selfish. I'm sorry. I know you can't wait forever but I don't know if I can do that. You don't know....”

She's turning frantic. I can hear it in her voice and the way her breathing has changed.

“So, tell me. That's what I'm here for; to help. If you can't talk about this with me, then who can you discuss it with? If it makes you more at ease to talk about this with my mom or Sam, then I'll let them know you want to talk to them...”

“I can't. It's too humiliating...”

“I don't want you to feel humiliated, sweetheart. I only want to understand. I want to know how you feel. I want to know if I'm going to do something that will upset you. I don't want to be left in the dark about how you feel. Just close your eyes and take a deep breath. This is me, sweetheart. I'm your Eli and I'm right here. I'm here just for you.”

I watch her closely as she closes her eyes and takes a shaky breath. She doesn't say anything for the longest time and if I didn't know her any better, I'd think she had fallen asleep. But I do know her better and I know that she's trying to gather enough courage to say what's on her mind.

“I've been scared to tell you about not having children. I've been so frightened that you'll leave. I've been petrified that you'll want to talk about things I can't talk about...”

I start to speak, but she carries on. “After the last few days, you've made me feel like you won't leave, but seeing you with Fiona tonight made me realize I had to tell you. I was being selfish and stupid for withholding that piece of information. You've been so good to me and you've done so much to help me and I repay you by ruining your chance of having a family...”

I do interrupt her here, “You didn't ruin it; they did. It's not your fault. They shot you, they made the bullet hit your organs. You didn't do that to yourself, Danica.”

“They did awful things to me, Eli. They made me do awful things. Things I can never forget.”

She chokes back a sob, so I slowly slide my hand toward her. I don't want to startle her. I'm not sure she wants physical contact during this time. As soon as my hand touches her, I get my answer. She jumps away from me like I've just burned her. That does sting. I didn't prepare myself enough for that reaction.

As soon as she backs away, she realizes it's me and she quickly says, “Sorry, I'm sorry. I can't do that and talk about this. I can't...”

“I understand, sweetheart.”

“You have no idea what you're asking for, Eli. You don't know what talking about this will do. I don't know what talking about it will do.”

This shows me just how far Dani really has come. She's almost arguing with me. I know she's scared, but instead of just shutting down, she's arguing her point with me. She's standing her ground. Even though I do want her to talk to me, hearing her stand firm makes me happy and so proud of her and her recovery. She truly is an amazing woman.

“I know you're scared, baby. I know you don't want to talk about this, but do you want to always be holding onto this? Do you always want to be hiding this from me? If you really don't want to discuss it, then I'll leave it. I told you before, if you never want to talk about your past ever again, then we won't. But I'm going to be honest with you here, even at the risk of you getting upset with me... I think you want to tell me, but you're scared. You're scared I'm going to leave or I'm going to hate you. Well, that's never going to happen. I've seen some awful things in my time and I can imagine at least some of the situations you were in. If my mind is able to come up with some of the worst situations and still not think you're dirty or disgusting or whatever you feel about yourself, then I really don't think it's ever going to happen.”

I take a breath and let my words sink in before saying, “I think you need to release the memories and know that I'm not going anywhere after you've told me. You need to know I'm still going to love you and treat you the same way, after it's out in the open. Then, I think you'll start to heal. I think your thoughts and the shame and guilt you feel are holding back your healing. I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but I have to be honest with you.”

The room is deathly silent for at least a few minutes. All I can hear is our ragged, emotional breathing. To my surprise, Dani is the one who breaks the silence first. It's almost like she's rehearsed these words before as she speaks.

“That still sounds so dirty and disgusting to me. It involves things that I really don't want to think about. I know you'll never really understand the horror of those experiences and images and I can't even begin to explain the dread and fear that fills me when I think about things like that... I also know it's selfish of me. I know you're a man and you can't or won't wait forever. I don't want to be selfish, but I'm not ready for that step and I may never be...”

“Thank you for being honest. I appreciate that. You're not being selfish, baby. You've had so many traumatic experiences that it would be selfish of me to expect you to do anything before you're ready. I'll be honest again, it isn't easy waiting, but I love you and I don't want to be with anyone else. I want to wait until you are ready, however long that may be. It doesn't really enter my thoughts anymore. I'm too concerned with getting you to trust me to think about that.”

“What if I'm never ready, Eli?”

“And what if you are? We can't foresee the future. We just have to take everyday as it happens. Did you think you'd ever be sleeping in the same room as me, let alone in the same bed? Do you even realize how much progress you've made since I met you? I'm not trivializing what they did or what you've been through, I promise. I know it hasn't been an easy road.”

“They ruined me, Eli. They stole my innocence. I was 15 and they humiliated me. There was so much pain... too much pain... I was a 15 year old girl being auctioned off and then forced into doing that with a dirty, fat, sweaty old man. Do you know how much he bought me for?”

I shake my head. I'm not about to interrupt the flood of words that she's releasing. It seems like the dam has burst and now that she's started speaking she can't stem the flow. I'm not about to put a stopper on it.

“$60,000. That's all my life was worth. They not only auctioned off my innocence, but they auctioned off my life. They must have known what it would do to me, and all for $60,000. I'm obviously not worth more than that...”

That's less than half my salary. I'm obviously not suggesting they should have sold her for more, because they shouldn't have sold her in the first place. They shouldn't be selling anyone. It's all so very wrong.

“Baby, you're worth more than that. You're priceless. There's no amount of money that can be applied to your life. They're sick, twisted monsters and they are only looking for money. They don't care about who they destroy or what they have to do to get that money.”

“Did you see him?”

My eyebrows furrow in confusion, “Who?”

“The breathing man...”

I nod, but she's not looking at me so I vocalize an affirmative.

“I know it doesn't make it any better, but he's gone now. He can't hurt you again...”

“He hurts me every time I close my eyes or think about these kinds of things. They all do... He left me with a cut that won't ever heal properly, Eli. All of those years were terrible; 10 years of hideous acts, but that is the one that completely ruined me. The rest just added to it...”

There's silent tears streaming down her face. She's so distressed right now and I don't know if I should comfort her. I can't help the few tears that slip from my eyes as she speaks of some of the things that happened. The beatings, the rapes, the humiliation. They burned her and scarred her in so many ways. I know she'll never be able to tell me everything. I'm sure there will be times when something sparks a memory that she hasn't revealed, but this is a starting point. The fact that she's telling me something about those awful years means she trusts me and she doesn't really think I'm going to leave.

Dani and I talk for nearly an hour about that awful place. She hasn't allowed me anywhere near her and when we finish talking, she goes to take a shower. They leave her with a dirty feeling and she wants to try to wash that off. She'll be in there for a while, so I use this time to let my emotions take over. I know I don't let them show very often. I always think I have to be Dani's strength and I don't want her to misread my emotions and think they're toward her.

The tears freely flow as I cry for everything they've done to Dani, for everything she's lost and for what I've lost, in turn. In the grand scheme of things, not being able to have our own family is relatively small really. I've got Dani. She's alive and she's recovering. But it is heartbreaking to think we'll never be able to have our own children; that it's never even going to be a possibility. They hurt my Dani in so many ways. The physical harm they caused is bad enough, but the shame, guilt and disgust that she feels about herself is just unbearable. I don't ever want her to think those things about herself. I've told her at least a hundred times tonight that she's not dirty or disgusting, but I know she's not going to believe that straight away. It's going to be a long process, I'm sure. I will keep telling her though. Everyday I will tell her she's beautiful and special.