The Lady Knight

Tess jumped, startled, as did I, to find a familiar, towering dark-haired man standing on the threshold. His expression was veiled, neutral, but his jaws were tightly set.

"Nick?" my forehead creased in concern at his solemn, and rather frightening demeanour.

The dark cloud of negativity that hung around him was rather disconcerting.

Tess glanced at me, raising an eyebrow. "Your Royal Highness," she curtsied, "please excuse me." With that, she glided out of my chamber with all speed, slamming the door shut behind her.

For a long while, he merely stood by the door, looking rather pale. His dark, grey eyes continued to observe me, as he remained utterly motionless with his masked expression.

Truth be told, he was starting to worry me. "Nick?"

He snapped out of his thoughts, startled, but he still seemed strangely shifty. "How...how are you now? You are - you are not cold anymore?" he cleared his throat, averting his gaze from me when he noticed me staring.

I smiled uncertainly, unable to decipher his emotions. "I am well, and I am not cold anymore, thank you."

He still refused to look up at me. "G-Good. I am - I am glad to hear that," he cleared his throat again, "I shall be off now - "

Before he could finish that, I had stridden towards him, and gently turned his face towards me by the chin. It was then that I discovered the battle in his eyes - the battle between his control and his tormented anxiety.

Tormented anxiety for me.

Something inside of me painfully lurched at that. "I am all right. Perfectly fine," I murmured again, cradling his face in my hands, as his grey eyes gazed into mine with a rare vulnerability.

He clutched my hands on his face with his, the last of his masks disintegrating. "God, woman, are you out of your mind?" he whispered, haunted, "why the hell did you come skating with us?"

I bit my lip, guilty. If he only knew of my insecurities that plagued me to the point of bewilderment.

"It was not one of my best decisions, I admit," I conceded.

"Why?" he demanded.

I decided to go with the easier reason. "My friends believed it was high time I faced my fears, and I agreed with them," I admitted sheepishly, "of all the times the ice could have cracked, it had to be the one time I decided to skate again." I released a hollow chuckle.

Before he could say anything further, I gently led him by the hand to a chair in front of the fire place and sat him down, before taking a seat beside him. He took deep breaths, the nightmare earlier still fresh within his eyes.

"Nick," I addressed him quietly, placing a hand on his shoulder, "it was an accident. Everything is all right now."

The word felt like poison in my mouth, after Tess's confession earlier.

He nodded, and hesitated for a brief moment, before he plunging on. "Julie, has this happened before? Is that why you are afraid of the ice?"

I truly went cold at that. For a long while, I could only stare at him, opening and closing my mouth like a dying fish.

"How do you know?" even that whisper felt painful, "do - do you remember what happened?"

He shook his head. "I merely guessed."

"Well, you guessed correctly, then," I stared into the flames, "I am afraid of the cold because this is the second time I fell into the ice. While Kat managed to survive against all odds this time round, the woman who fell in with me that day....was not so fortunate." My fists unconsciously clenched on my lap.

A hand covered my fist. "You need not tell me anything you do not wish to," came the understanding murmur, "my curiosity is not worth your pain."

I shook my head. "I would rather you hear it from me than from someone else. Lady Rosanna is especially fond of this story."

With that, I took a deep breath and began to recount that fateful day.

"Oh, come now, Papa, please?" I pleaded with him, giving him my best adorable gaze.

"Nay, dear. I do not think your Mama should go outside in this condition," Papa frowned in concern, "it could harm the baby, especially now that she is due to deliver any day now."

Mama stood up then, and waddled over to Papa with her hand gently resting on her bulging stomach. "Henri, you worry too much," she remarked in her soft, lilting voice, "Julie and I will be fine. Please do not disappoint the poor child."

"Why can Max not take her?" Papa argued, "Jeanne, you are still in confinement – "

"You know he will abandon her and follow his friends if he sees them," Mama rolled her eyes, "and Julie is only five. We need to watch her to ensure she does not hurt herself. I will go with her. Come now, love, the poor girl has been waiting the entire year for this day to come."

"Oh, all right," Papa muttered, still discomfited, "but – "

" - I must take utmost care of myself and sit down on one of the benched by the lake straight after I leave her to skate in the middle of the lake," she finished dryly, "yes, yes, I will, Papa." She shot me a conspiratorial wink that had caused me to fall into a bout of helpless giggles at once.

"Jeanne, you are such a child yourself at times," Papa shook his head in uneasy amusement, as he watched us don on our coats, scarves and muffs in frenzied excitement.

With the energy of a caged bird which was longing to take flight, I jumped up against the cupboard to reach for my skates, as well as Mama's.

"Here you go, Mama," I handed her, her skates, almost bouncing on my feet.

"Thank you, darling," she kissed my forehead, "shall we leave?"

I nodded, before I rushed towards Papa to wrap my arms tightly around his waist. "Thank you so much, Papa! You are the best!" I mumbled into his side.

He ruffled my hair, adjusting my scarves one more time. "Take care of yourself and of your mother, and be safe," he tweaked my nose affectionately, "and of course, have a good time."

"I will!" I beamed at him, allowing Mama to lead me out of Papa's study, down the staircase and towards the front door of the Castle.

Coincidentally, we were soon joined by the Queen and her four children at the door, who also seemed to be rushing outside to enjoy the weather. Richard and Nick shot me happy, identical toothy grins, as Charlie leaned forward to give me a big hug.

I beamed at them, happy to see my friends.

James, on the other hand, merely held out his hand towards me, which I reached out to shake with some intimidation. The eldest of the royal children was always so solemn, so serious for a ten-year-old that I was very much scared of him.

"Good evening, my Lady," he nodded at me now, "I hope I find you well."

"Yes....yes, Your Royal Highness," I stammered badly, "I am well, thank you. And I hope I find you the same." I remembered what Mama had taught me about polite conversation.

He bestowed upon me a perfunctory smile, before stepping outside the door without waiting for the rest of his family. I watched him leave, awed and terrified at the same time.

"Ignore him, Julie," Nick slipped an arm through my own, "he is always like this. He thinks he knows everything." He scowled.

"He scares me too," Richard took my other arm with an understanding smile.

"Nick! Richard!" Charlie put her hands on her hips indignantly, "that is not very nice of you. You will apologise to Jamie when he returns."

Mama and the Queen, who were watching this exchange with amusement, laughed out loud.

"Your Majesty," Mama curtsied to greet her, but the Queen stopped her before she could do so.

"Nay, Jeanne," she smiled, linking an arm through hers, "you do not stand on ceremony with me."

The Queen then bent down to pinch my cheeks. "Hello, darling," she beamed kindly at me, "are you going to make snow angels with the rest of this lot?" She gestured to her kids.

"We are going to have a snowball fight too," Nick whispered in my ear, "but Mama does not know. Else she will never allow us to go outside."

I chuckled, shaking my head. "Nay, I am going to skate on the lake!" I squealed, clapping my hands, "it has frozen over already!"

"Surely you are jesting!" Charlie hardly dared to believe her ears.

"Mama!" the twins burst out together in excitement, tugging on their mother's arm, "could we skate too?"

However, the Queen's forehead creased. "Are you certain, Jeanne?" she glanced at Mama in worry, "you are in confinement..."

"Oh, nay, Ella, I am only going to leave Julie on the ice, sit down somewhere and watch her," Mama laughed ruefully, "Henri's orders."

The Queen's expression cleared. "In that case, it is all right," she beamed, "boys, Charlie, you may go and fetch your skates as well. I am going to watch over James in the meanwhile."

"We will join you soon on the ice, Julie!" Nick, Richard and Charlie assured me happily, as they dashed upstairs towards their chambers.

The Queen and Mama took each of my hands and led me towards Bordeux Lake on the other side of the Castle grounds. I loved the way my boots crunched against the snow and the ice, and I purposely walked such that I sent some of the snow flying up into the air.

Soon enough, we had reached the lake. It was already crowded, with the Queen's Ladies-in-waiting and their children, who were taking full advantage of this winter season. Squeal and shouts of happiness filled the light atmosphere, and I was so certain that mine were going to add to them soon.

"Ella, I think you had best save us a seat!" Mama chuckled at the crowd, "certainly, I am not the only one who has noticed that the lake has frozen over."

The Queen grinned. "The joys of being Queen," she muttered sarcastically, "they would give up their seats in an instant if I demanded. However, I do think it is best if I start looking for a bench for the both of us, while you escort Julie onto the ice."

Mama nodded, as the Queen shuffled off to search for an empty bench by the lake. I took out my skates from my sack, and bent down to wear them, as did Mama.

When we were both ready, she took my hand in hers and we both waddled onto the ice. Mama almost lost her balance the moment her feet touched the ice, but I pulled on her arm before she could fall.

"Careful, Mama!" I was alarmed.

"I have not skated in a very long time, darling, that is all. With Max, you, the pianoforte and all my duties, I never had time," she admitted ruefully, as we skated at a slow pace towards the middle of the lake, "I do so love to skate, and I quite miss it." She looked unbearably sad for a moment, before her sapphire blue eyes began to twinkle with an idea.

"Mama?" I blinked up at her, startled at her change in mood.

"Darling, would you mind very much if I skated with you today instead of sitting down? We shall keep it a secret, between you and me. Your Papa would never allow it if he knew." She gazed at the ice longingly, like I usually did at the Marzipan in the kitchens.

"But Papa said it could harm the baby – " I started, but she shook her head.

"I will be careful, I promise," she pleaded, "please?"

By God, our roles were so horribly reversed at the present. I was of two minds at that moment. At the same time, however, I did not wish to see Mama sad. Little did I know that the next words that left my lips would be the most horrendous mistake of my life.

"If you are certain, Mama," I mumbled uncertainly, "but we will skate slowly."

Her sapphire blue eyes shone with happiness, as she clutched onto my hand tightly, and pulled me along with her

Soon enough, we were gliding gracefully across the lake. Mama burst out laughing in sheer joy, her lilting voice carrying across the entire Castle grounds. It was filled with such innocent freedom that it made people stop and stare at her, and lose themselves in her happiness as she was.

To me, however, it was almost as if only she and I, and none else, were present on the ice. And indeed, I would not have had it any other way. All reason and caution flew out of my head, and it seemed that they had left Mama's mind long back.

She twirled me around in a slow, gentle waltz, humming one of her compositions, as I beamed widely. I vaguely noticed the Queen's Ladies-in-waiting beam at us, and escort their kids back to the Castle. However, Mama did not seem to want to cease anytime soon, even as dusk began to fall, and truth be told, neither did I.

"Yay, Mama!" I laughed out loud, not having felt so deliciously happy in quite a while.

She twirled me away from her, sending me spinning across the lake with tremendous force, and motioned for me to return back, as she slowed to a gradual stop. I skated towards her at high speed, enjoying the manner in which blood simply rushed through my limbs.

However, that was when everything started to go horribly wrong.

The spot on which she stood suddenly cracked with a loud, piercing sound. Mama attempted to move from there, but the crack was spreading too fast to the other parts of the lake. A large chunk of the ice beside her collapsed to give way to the dark waters beneath at that moment.

She let out a muted scream, terrified and unnerved, but clearly relieved that she had escaped the wrath of the ice.

However, she had thought too soon.

In the meanwhile, I could not seem to slow down, even though I was trying hard to do so. It was almost as if the skates had a mind of their own, and they were speeding towards Mama without a second thought.

"Mama, look out! Please move!" I screeched at her, "Mama, move away, I cannot stop!"

Unfortunately, she could do nothing else but freeze in her spot and simply watch at me gliding swiftly towards her in mounting horror. The rest of the ice around her seemed on the verge of giving way as well, almost waiting for Mama to move even an inch, so that it could collapse.

Before I could yell at her again, however, I had collided hard into her bulging stomach, causing her to lose her balance and fall headlong into the dark waters behind her, where the ice had given way earlier.

A high-pitched, ear-piercing scream left her lips and shattered the atmosphere, before the water effectively silenced her screams.

I fell to the ice, clinging to Mama's slippery hands. "Help!" I yelled for all it was worth, "someone, help, please! I -"

At that moment, the ice I had fallen on also cracked, causing me to plunge face first into the ice water beside Mama. The cold water ran in through my nose and my mouth, and there was darkness all around -

My whole world was closing in on me, as I heard Mama's muffled screams in the water –

"Heughlp!" Mama struggled, holding onto my hand.

However, she was losing consciousness too quickly. Her eyes fluttered close, as I writhed and wriggled to pull the both of us to the surface of the water, amidst the ice chunks that were bombarding my little body in all directions –

"Julie," an anxious voice brought me back to the present.

I blinked, as the chill and the darkness from the memory disappeared, leaving behind the light from the flames in the fireplace, the warmth of Nick's arms around me. My breathing was ragged and laboured, as I struggled to regain my control.

"She could not hold on," I continued brokenly, "the Queen had hurried to get help when she saw the ice crack from where she sat, but by the time they all arrived, it was too late. They were able to pull me out alive, but Mama – "I shook my head, unable to finish.

"The baby?" he seemed almost afraid to ask.

"It died with her," I muttered in devastation, staring hard at the flames, "they both died that evening."

His next question was softer. "And you?"

I let out a bout of mirthless laughter. "Survived, did I not? It took me a while to wake up and recover, but I did," I balled my fists, "they say I survived against all odds. That it was an unbelievable miracle. That it was God's sign that I was destined for greatness. As if I cared a whit. As if I gave a damn." I spat out bitterly.

His hand holding mine tightened, but he said nothing.

"I was the reason why she died," I whispered, "I pushed her into the lake with my own two hands. I murdered her. I should have perished alongside her, but I did not. And that had unsettled Papa for as long as I can remember."

"Lord Henri?" he blinked, bewildered.

I stared hard at the flames. "He never forgave me for it," I reflected, shaking, "he loved her so much, and she was merely days from delivering his third child. Of course the loss hit him very, very hard. Moreover, when he heard the whole story, he was beyond enraged. In an instant, he changed from being my loving Papa to a monster I barely recognised anymore."

I winced as I recalled his burning fury that had terrified me to no end when I was five. "To this day, I cannot forget how much he had raged at me that night, and the nights that followed, his slurred, cruel words almost incoherent in his grief," I recalled quietly, "I cannot not forget how his rage slowly morphed into silent resentment, to the extent that he ceased talking to me altogether one day."

"However, silence is a cruel weapon of its own," I whispered, "I hated returning home to his empty countenance, to his silent accusations, to my own suffocating guilt. Every glance, every few rare words he gave me after my Mama died served as a reminder that I was solely responsible for his misery, that I did not deserve to be his and Mama's daughter, that he cannot tolerate my very presence in the same chamber." My voice caught.

"But then again, I cannot blame him," I sighed, looking down.

Nick's dark eyes bore into mine, more solemn than I had ever seen them. "Julie," he began softly, "it was not your fault."

The word 'fault' set me off. "Yes, it was my fault, Nick!" I snapped, my voice cracking, "I was supposed to have taken Papa's side and persuaded her against coming to the lake with me. I was supposed to have explained to her and stopped her from skating with me when she wanted to do so on the ice. I was supposed to have moved out of her way when the ice was cracking. I was supposed to have died instead of her. And I did not do any of these things. Instead, I had killed my own mother and my unborn sibling with these very hands." My voice was raw and disbelieving, and I was revolted with myself.

He froze in shock at my outburst, speechless, not knowing what to say. I turned away, waiting for him to push me away, tell me he could not handle the broken mess that I was, and walk straight out of my chamber without a second glance.

I expected nothing more. He did not need to stay. He still had the choice of pretending that he did not hear any of this. He still had the choice to walk away. It was probably better for him if he did.

But he did not.

Instead, his trembling fingers hesitantly reached out to touch something wet on my cheek. It was then that I realised, to my horror, that I was crying.

Tears were for the weak.

***

Prince Nicholas

My fingers were shaking, and my mind still reeled from all that I had heard, as I reached out to wipe away a single, gleaming teardrop that had escaped her tortured eyes. She almost instantly jerked back from my touch, very much horrified.

I tensed, anxious to no end for the utterly defeated woman before me.

Her breathing quickened. "I am so sorry," she whispered shakily, holding a hand up to her glassy hazelnut brown eyes, "I truly did not mean to – "

Before she could finish that sentence, however, huge, staggering sobs had already taken over her body, overpowering every defence she had built up over the years against her emotions, her baseless guilt, her memories in her mind.

I did not hesitate to pull her into my arms, letting her head rest against my chest as I rubbed her shoulders, comforting her as much as I could.

"I truly do not deserve to live after I killed her. There are days I hate myself so much, Nick," she sobbed, gripping my shirt as her warm tears soaked it, "so, so much..."

I had never heard her say such words before, and it unnerved me. "Dare not speak like that," I whispered, "it was not your fault. It was an accident. You did not mean to, Julie, you did not mean to." I repeated over and over again, as I locked my arms around her to keep her from truly falling apart at the seams.

Watching her blame and beat herself up over something that was not even her fault in the first place was pure agony, and her pain tore at my heart. It was clear that she had needed someone to talk to, to help her deal with the loss when Lady Jeanne had drowned.

But what did her father do? He only added to the guilt and hatred she already held for herself.

By the Lord, the poor girl had only been five.

Truly, I was this close to charging back to Bordeux to grab that repulsive man by the collar and have him whipped. No matter how great his grief might have been, he had no right to blame it on her. He had no right to make her feel so horrible about herself merely because he could not handle his emotions.

An intense, murderous rage boiled within me every time my eyes fell on her tormented countenance.

And to think I used to worship the very ground he walked on!

To think I had recounted every tale of his victories on the battlefield to anyone who would listen!

To think I had even gotten Julie into unnecessary trouble with him when we were younger merely to receive his approval!

Despite my will, images of a younger version of her stubbornly reigning in her tears and keeping her face emotionless as an angry Lord Henri mercilessly scolded her over and over again for some false story I had concocted only to get her into trouble flashed through my mind at high speed.

My Physicians told me that I had forgotten much of my childhood. If this was the little I could remember doing to Julie, and it was already so terrible, I could not even bear to imagine the monster I must have been, the monster she had remembered me as all these years.

Self-disgust, hatred and guilt engulfed me so entirely at that one moment that I felt suffocated beyond measure. If I could whip myself to oblivion this instant, I would.

"I am sorry," I choked out – something that I should have told her a very long time ago, "by the Lord, Julie, I am so, so sorry."

Her sobs quietened, and she stiffened at my tone. "Why? Why are you sorry?" she mumbled in bewilderment.

"For everything. Everything I ever did or said to you," I sounded absolutely revolted with myself, as I hugged her tighter, "everything that made you cry yourself to sleep every night because of me." I did not need to explain any further.

She tensed again, startled by my words, before her shoulders sagged. "It does not matter anymore," she sighed, her voice hoarse from all that crying.

"It does matter."

She eyed me for a long moment, her glassy eyes filled with unusual compassion. "I have already forgiven you," she answered softly, "holding grudges is much more exhausting than you believe." She offered me a wobbly smile.

"Truly?" I was disbelieving.

She looked away. "I know what it feels like to truly repent and seek for forgiveness, and am well acquainted with the pain that it causes when it is not given. To this very day, I am unable to move on with my life due to Papa's inability to forgive me for my folly," she remarked solemnly, "and as much as I have cursed you and raged at you in my mind over the years, I have no wish to put you through such torment for the next decade. No one deserves it."

I sighed. "But - "

"In any case, a wise old man once told me that sometimes, a simple apology works wonders," she let out a watery chuckle, throwing my own words from Cavarriere back at me.

"Old, am I?" I muttered wryly, shaking my head, "but Julie – "

"I am perfectly serious, Nick. I accept your apology," she assured me, coughing, "cease blaming yourself about something that happened ten years ago."

I did not know how did I dare say the words I did next. "I could tell you the same."

She stiffened at once.

"It was not your fault," I continued on, nevertheless, "mayhap you did not argue against your mother. Mayhap you did not stop your mother from skating. Mayhap you accidentally collided into her that accidentally caused her to fall into the water – "

"Cease using the word mayhap," she snapped coolly, "I did do all of those things."

"All right, all right," I conceded, "but Julie, in the end, Lady Jeanne made her own decisions too. She knew she was due to deliver any day, but she made the choice of coming onto the ice with you. She made the choice of skating alongside you. And when she fell – it was purely by accident. You were five, but Lady Jeanne was an adult. Nothing you could have ever said would have changed her mind about what she decided."

I sighed, as the vague image of my first, and very much loving pianoforte teacher and idol flashed through my mind. She was the first person who had instilled the love of music in me, and I will always remember her with great fondness and respect.

She remained silent for a moment. "I miss her so much."

I nodded. "I know. So do I. However, you cannot go on blaming yourself," I continued softly, "it was not your fault, and if Lord Henri cannot see how fortunate he is to at least have his daughter alive, then it is his loss. What happened was an accident, and you need to forgive yourself. For how much longer do you intend to beat yourself up over something that happened seventeen years ago?"

"For the rest of my pathetic existence?" she muttered darkly.

"Julie."

She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose, sighing heavily. "I will think about it, all right?" she whispered, letting out an uneasy breath, "it will not be easy."

That was an improvement from earlier, at least. "Of course it will not be easy," I agreed, "but you know I will always be here for you, yes? If you need to talk. Or need anything at all."

Her head jerked up to look up at me, astonished. "Truly?"

"Always," I vowed solemnly.

A rare, soft smile spread across her lips upon hearing those words, and for the first time, she willingly leaned against me, and my arms enfolded her in a gentle hug out of their own accord.

I loved it every time she smiled because of me. Every time. The Lord knew I had caused her enough grief in this lifetime not to treasure her smiles anymore. Throughout the Potential Quest, I had been storing each one of them in my mind, in small pockets of happiness, as I came to learn of the many different sides to Julie.

The angry, bitter young girl who hated me from childhood. The stubborn glutton who loved Marzipan to obsession. The fiercely protective friend who would do anything for her friends' happiness, including asking the enemy for help. The astute stateswoman who was well aware of what made a good leader. The naughty, mischievous devil with a wicked sense of humour.

The unswervingly loyal Lady Knight who was prepared to sacrifice anything, even her own well-being, to fulfil her duty. The formidable Commander General who still kept a tight grip over the wills of the men under her. The shy, innocent woman who still blushed flaming red just upon seeing me shirtless. The vulnerable, broken child who kept tormenting herself to this day for something that was beyond her control.

Julie, Jules, Lady Juliette, Lady Knight, Commander General Ma'am. She went by so many different names as well.

Who was she, truly?

I gazed down at her, amused. She was a complex puzzle I would gladly spend my entire life trying to figure out. She was not only a good friend to me. What she meant to me, what I felt for her was so much more than that.

So much more.

I knew not when this happened, how this happened, or why this happened. And I did not want to know either.

All I knew now was that I was truly, madly and deeply in love with her.

***