Hey guys! Happy to update again! This chapter was extremely emotional for me to write, so I hope you like it…I really hope you all don’t hate me now…but yeah um. So I’m actually almost done with Omega, I’m thinking maybe like oh I dunno but there should be around 30 chapters altogether. Maybe more. We’ll see. So yeah thank you for all the support you’ve given me, it’s really amazing to see the loads and loads of comments and votes when I log in, so THANK YOU!! :) now please enjoy this chapter! I hope to update within in a week!

Gracias! <3 vb123321

Chapter Twenty-Five



♦ Charlie ♦



Everything seemed to swirl away as we huddled in the doorway together, my arms wrapped around her and her face in my sweatshirt. It seemed like hours and hours but could only have been a few minutes, time standing still as my mind dipped away. I couldn’t look away from his body, even though I wanted to think of anything but it, and all I could think was don’t let her see it, don’t let her see it.



I had never seen her lose control like that before; it scared me. And yet, even through my shock, a little voice in the back of my mind was wondering if she had been like this when she thought I had died, if she had fallen apart and acted as if her world had ended. Because even if Jay understood right before he died, it would mean nothing unless she did, too.



My legs had fallen asleep, numb underneath the bloodstained shirt wrapped around my thigh, but I ignored them and concentrated on Astrid and her quivering body and the smell of her hair. The back of her jacket left black dust on my hands, its charred fabric rough against my skin. The wind whipped at our faces and hair, stinging my cheeks. It had to be getting later in the afternoon; the sun was beginning to sink in the west, staining the sky red like the blood splashed across his chest…



I closed my eyes and tried to will myself away from it all, but the sound of running footsteps and voices a few hundred meters away made me wrench them open. My body tensed as I scrabbled around on the ground with one hand where I had dropped my gun.



Her head rose away from my chest as I removed one arm from her, her face blank as she looked from the gun to the street. I felt strangely detached as well, forcing myself to concentrate and pick up the gun, though my hand was shaky as I pointed it, as though my mind didn’t accept the possibility of danger. Of course, it had been ages since I had been concerned for myself, but it scared me that I had to forcibly remind myself about Astrid.



“Stay here,” I told her, my voice distant.



She just looked at me, confusion swimming in her teary eyes, and I tried to give her a reassuring look as I grabbed the side of the doorway to propel myself to my feet. I had barely stood and gone a few steps before my injured leg buckled beneath me, and I fell hard on both knees. Swearing, I knuckled the ground and attempted to rub feeling back into the pins-and-needles that dotted my skin, disregarding it entirely as the voices grew nearer.



Two shapes entered the street, one clearly holding a gun, and I immediately whipped my own gun up, centering it on the greater threat. My vision flickered slightly, so I didn’t recognize the figures and almost fired at them until one of them put his hands in the air and called out to me in a familiar voice.



“Josh,” I mumbled, relieved, and pushed myself to my feet with an effort. But he had already forgotten about me, his eyes widening as he took in Jay’s body lying in the center of the road. His mouth opened and closed a couple times, no sound escaping, and I swore aloud as I recognized the flicker of yellow hair behind Josh, curious blue eyes peeping over his shoulder.



Those blue eyes stretched, taking on a look I had never before seen in my life as Joel Nicholson gazed at the body of his brother. Josh was saying his name, grabbing at his shoulders even in his own shock, but Joel pushed him away. He seemed to spin dizzily for a moment, his face whitening as his legs appeared to give out beneath him, and then he fell to his knees at his brother’s side.



“Jay,” he whimpered, reaching out one hand to touch his brother’s face, hair, bloodstained chest. He was shaking his head, disbelief in his eyes; like Astrid, he couldn’t accept what his eyes were showing him. “Jay,” he said again, and then he, too, was screaming it, over and over: “Jay! Jay!”



I was frozen in place, swaying on numb legs. Joel was crying suddenly, tears pouring down his bewildered face as he shook his brother. Josh’s face was pale, his own eyes huge as he crouched down at Joel’s side and attempted to put an arm around the kid. But Joel was inconsolable, shoving Josh away again, and dimly I wondered why people rejected help when they were in pain, when they most needed it.



Jay’s face was blank, golden hair drifting into it from the lilting wind, those blue eyes closed for the last time. Joel was shaking, clutching Jay’s hands and babbling something incomprehensibly about home and his parents and basketball and a girl named Emily, something about how he had wanted all these things to happen.



“It’s going to be okay, buddy,” Josh was saying in a soothing voice as slowly Joel’s screams died down and he subsided to quiet tears. I didn’t see how it could be, my stomach churning violently as all at once I felt overwhelmed with the whole thing. But I didn’t care; I pressed my sweaty palms against my sweatshirt and tried to think of something to say to the kid, something to make Josh’s lie come true.



Someone came to my side, and I jumped skittishly, gun slipping out of my sweatshirt pocket and clattering to the ground. But Astrid didn’t even look at me; her eyes fixed on Joel and Jay as she sank slowly to the ground again, knees brushing the cement as she pressed both hands over her mouth. I felt an urge to stroke her hair or embrace her again, but something told me to stay away, and so I stood in the center of the street, a few paces away from Jay’s body, just watching.



Joel raised his head to look at her, his face suddenly furious. “Did you kill him?” he demanded, his voice high. “Did you kill him?”



Her eyes went wide with shock, her mouth opening wordlessly, and Josh grabbed at Joel’s shoulder again, saying in a low voice, “It’s okay, chief. Think about what you’re saying; Astrid would never do that.”



The kid looked at him for a long moment, his eyes struggling to connect with his words, and then his shoulders drooped, bright hair slipping over his face as he stared at his brother.



Josh hugged Astrid without a word; she buried her face in his shoulder, her torso trembling again as he rubbed her back. Again that sense of detachment rose within me, as if I was watching them on a TV screen. I wasn’t part of this. Astrid and Josh and Jay, the kids growing up together on the same block, gallivanting off on wild spy adventures, only meeting me when they had lived half their lives together. Joel, the younger brother, tagging along and worshipping his older brother, thinking he was dead and knowing he was alive for a single day before seeing him dead on the pavement. I didn’t know these people like they knew each other.



Astrid embraced Joel then, tears coursing both their faces as she said something to him that I couldn’t catch. Josh sat back on his heels, staring at Jay with blank shock still etched onto his face, and then he looked over at me with an entirely different expression. It was something like that look Astrid gave me, like I was a frightened animal or something, but laced with something that dug a little deeper: pity.



He exhaled in one long, slow breath, straightening to his feet and coming over to stand next to me. Jamming his hands in his pockets, he watched Astrid and Joel, not looking at me as he said quietly, “So what happened?”



I swallowed hard. “We caught up with him and he was telling us to leave, and then a man on the roof over there,” gesturing blindly, “shot him and…”



My brain didn’t supply more words after that, but Josh understood, ducking his head and blowing out a long breath again. His eyes, darker than usual with worry, were fixed on Astrid and Joel, but I couldn’t look at them. The looks on their faces were like a physical pain to me, Jay’s last words to Astrid swirling around and around in my head…would I ever stop being in his debt?



Something glinted silver in the sun’s dying rays, distracting my eyes, and when I focused on the small patch of ground, I felt something squeeze around my lungs. I could feel Josh’s eyes on me as I stepped away from him, towards that glint of silver that expanded to show the entire chain, the key sprawled on the ground at one end of it. In an almost dreamlike state, I stooped and slid one finger under the thin chain, lifting it into the air.



“Is that –” Josh’s voice was very low.



I turned to look at him, holding the key in my palm with a sense of growing bewilderment. For the first time, my ticket home nestled in my hand. Josh stepped forward, reaching out one hand to examine it himself, but I closed my fingers minutely as my mother’s and sister’s faces flashed before my eyes. He didn’t say anything, just a flash of that expression showing in his eyes again as he dropped his hand.



“You can go home now.”



It was Astrid who spoke, her voice bland as she looked over at me from Jay’s side. I met her eyes, disturbed by the turmoil in them, and suddenly I didn’t want the Red list, I didn’t want to go back to the States. All I wanted to do was take her hand and run far, far away, disappear into the sun and get away from all of this.



“What are we going to do?” When I spoke, my voice was almost as discouraged as hers.



Joel was staring at the key in my hand, something unreadable in his eyes. “Is that the Red list thing?” he asked in a neutral voice. When I nodded, he got to his feet, walked up to me, and yanked it out of my hand faster than I could think. His face twisted as he raised one hand and threw it to the ground. His foot rose next, eyes screwing shut as tears began to spill out of them again, but Josh dashed forward, grabbing his shoulders and knocking him to the ground.



“Don’t be stupid!” he said, a little roughly. “That’s the only way you can get home!”



“Leave him alone,” I said softly, my throat hurting. Astrid was watching me, her dark eyes unreadable, but I couldn’t look at her.



“Listen, buddy.” Josh put an arm around Joel’s shoulder as the kid stared blankly in front of him. “We’re going to get you out of here. We’re going to go to the police station and then we’re going to go home. You’re going to be fine –”



“I don’t want to go home!” Joel clenched his fingers into fists, hugging his knees to his chest as his voice broke. “I want to kill whoever killed him!”



Josh patted his shoulder with a helpless look, pleading with Astrid with his eyes. I took matters into my own hands, speaking directly to Joel.



“That someone’s already dead.” My voice was harsh and flat, the kid’s blue eyes wide as they looked up at me. “I killed him. Your brother told me to watch over you, okay? That was the last thing he wanted, and I’m not going to let you forfeit that by running off after some men with guns when you don’t even know what’s going on. He knew he was going to die.” Joel swallowed visibly, but I pressed on. “He knew he was, but you know that he loved you, right? He wants you to get back home. So don’t throw away this last chance he’s given you.”



Joel leaned forehead against his knees, blonde hair falling over his face. For a moment, we all were still, just watching him, and then his head rose. Those blue eyes focused on his brother’s face one last time as a single tear slipped down his cheek. Then he silently accepted Josh’s hand and got to his feet, his expression so empty that I had to look away.



“So what now?” Leave it to Josh to break the silence. “We have the Red list. Can we just leave then?”



I couldn’t think of an answer to that, couldn’t even picture being able to “just leave.” If Young had been serious when he gave us an option, it would definitely have been a first. I looked over to where Astrid was still kneeling on the ground, meeting her eyes and seeing the same indecision. Something else was stirring inside of me, that black anger that called for revenge, but I squashed it.



“I guess we go to the police station now.” Astrid’s voice was hollow. “Why didn’t you guys go there in the first place?”



Josh grimaced, running a hand through his tangled hair. “I couldn’t just leave you guys. Call it a gut instinct or something.”



“This time you do need to go,” I said, my voice a little more callous than I intended. Wheels were spinning in my mind, making my words rushed and almost incoherent. “The kid needs to get out of here now. You can take him to the station, Josh, and take the Red list, too, so you can call Delta and stuff.”



“You’re coming with us,” said Josh, looking at me warily as he stooped to pick up the key from where Joel had thrown it. “We’re not leaving you two again.”



I shook my head, feeling almost feverish. “No. Astrid should – can – go with you, but there’s something else I need to do.”



Or are you too big a coward?



Astrid had straightened, still on her knees, eyes fixed on me. “Charlie, what are you talking about? We can get out of here now.”



“There’s something I need to do,” I repeated, my fingers clenched into fists at my side.



Blood roared in my ears. They were all staring at me, confusion in their eyes, but I couldn’t find words to express my thoughts. The wind whistled through the empty shop windows as silence reigned. I began to feel claustrophobic, their eyes pressing into me, trying to scour my mind, and involuntarily I stepped back, the movement sparking pain through my thigh.



Slowly Astrid stood, a strange look on her face. “Charlie, are you okay?”



Why did she always say my name when she used that careful tone? I jerked my head in a gesture that might have been a nod, but the expression on her face said otherwise. Her dark eyes were swirling into a tornado, sucking me in, huge in her pale face. Josh stepped forward with wary eyes, reaching out one hand in a pacifying gesture.



“How about we all just get out of here?”



“I –”



“Josh is right.” Astrid put strength into her words. She and Josh exchanged a quick glance, but not quick enough that I didn’t see it. “We have the Red list now. We can go to that police station and call Young and get out of here.”



Still I couldn’t move, my attention diverted by something in Josh’s eyes as they flickered over my shoulder. I glanced around to see that the grey cloud of smoke was continuing to twist up into the sky; it seemed to be coming nearer. Warning bells were ringing in the back of my mind as I struggled to connect the dots, and finally I said,



“Okay. Let’s go.”



Astrid looked relieved, if a little taken aback, stooping to pick up her gun from where it lay in the middle of the street. Josh took Joel’s arm, saying something to him quietly as the kid looked down at his brother one last time, his eyes still glistening. My heart was still pounding, blood rushing to my head as I forced myself to think logically – check the gun, pull out another magazine to reload it, disregard the safety.



Josh and Joel began to move down the street, the former looking back at Astrid and me with a wary expression, as if he expected us to sprint away when his back was turned. Astrid knelt at Jay’s side again, touching his hand gently. When she glanced up at me, I didn’t look away, and a little frown flickered around the corners of her mouth. I jerked my head in a come on gesture, the stiff muscle in my leg trembling, and slowly she got to her feet.



We had made it about fifty meters, Joel and Josh another fifty in front of us, when suddenly a loud noise rocked the world. The unexpected disturbance in the equilibrium of my ears knocked me off balance as I yanked Astrid to one side of the street reflexively. Looking backwards as we threw ourselves up against a wall, I saw that the explosion had been about half a block away, a new cloud of smoke joining the other and flickers of red flame licking the blue horizon.



“What happened?” Astrid shouted in my ear, but I couldn’t reply.



Shouts rang out from a block away, the sound of pounding footsteps on the pavement, and I caught a glimpse of Josh pulling Joel off the street and sprinting down an alley. I acted instinctively, pulling Astrid into the doorway of a building, and we huddled against the inside wall as the footsteps grew nearer, the déjà vu spinning in my head. But it couldn’t be Josh and Joel this time, because they were already moving away from the scene, and I clutched my gun even more tightly as Astrid’s face took on a cagey look.



I craned my neck over my shoulder, breathing hard and fast but trying to keep it silent as I tried to see the street. Astrid stepped around me slowly so that she was standing just to the right of the doorway; if they looked at the right angle, they would see her for sure. Stomach tightening in apprehension, I strained my eyes to see past her to where three men were entering my line of vision, rifles cradled in their arms.



“Veja!” one shouted, gesturing with one arm to Jay’s body, and Astrid tensed beside me. I grabbed her arm, adrenaline pushing against my veins as my legs trembled with the effort of staying still. The men all had that dark, swarthy look of the guerrilla Portuguese; just the thought of where they had come from made my stomach hurt.



The other men grouped around Jay’s body, leering at it and laughing as the first man nudged Jay with his foot. Snippets of their words floated over to us, enough to know that they were far from complimentary. Astrid’s whole body was quivering, her skin hot against my palm, and she was muttering something under her breath: “Get away, get away, get away…”



And then the man stepped away from Jay’s body, raising his rifle to his chest. Shots rang out in the street, their noise ricocheting around the empty buildings, and the pool of blood on the ground expanded as more holes appeared in Jay’s sweatshirt. I clamped a hand over Astrid’s mouth a second before her scream escaped, locking my arms around her middle as she tried to move away. She fought me again, twisting and turning violently in my arms with screams muffled by my palm.



“Don’t, don’t, please, baby, they’ll kill you…”



“Serves him right,” one of them said, his words floating over to where we were standing, and I hoped wildly that she couldn’t understand. She was bent almost double as she struggled to get out of my arms, pressing her face against her hands as she slowly gave up. I hugged her against my chest, resting my chin on top of her head as her body shook with sobs once more.



The men in the street were laughing, the noise making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, and again that black fury rose inside of me. I wanted to kill them. I wanted to take my gun and shoot them full of holes, just as they had. I wanted to make them scream, just as they had made her scream, and I wanted to see their bodies on the ground.



“Come on,” one of them said after a long, tortured moment. “Let’s keep moving. They’ve got to be here somewhere.”



And they disappeared down the street, turning into an alley with rifles in front of them, ready to shoot someone else full of holes… I released Astrid, and she fell against the wall, her forehead leaning against the door frame as she pounded the wood with her fists. I understood enough of her garbled words to hear something like “I’ll kill them, I’ll kill them!” Rubbing her charred back gently, I waited for her sobs to quiet down, gazing blackly into the street at Jay’s lonely body.



At last her tears ceased, her body still as she leaned against the wall. I tried not to touch her, even to give her a comforting gesture; it was clearly not the right time. Instead, I stood back and waited for her to turn around. When she did, her face was white and there was a smoldering fire in her eyes. Her hands clenched into fists at her sides, she glared at me with as much force as if I had been the one holding the rifle.



“I’m going to kill them,” she announced in quite a calm voice, all things considering. It made me feel more uneasy than ever.



“Think logically,” I told her, just as evenly though my lungs were quivering. “We need to get out of here, and now we finally can. Joel and Josh are waiting for us somewhere.”



Her jaw was rigid, her eyes barely focusing on my face as I looked at her steadily, trying to force rational thought into her mind. She looked through the doorway into the street, taking a deep, shuddering breath, and then her shoulders drooped and the fire dwindled in her eyes.



“We should get out of here.” Her voice was very quiet. I breathed a silent sigh of relief, almost taking her hand but deciding against it as I led the way out of the building.



Immediately I was struck by the proximity of the fire that was raging only a few buildings away. It was spreading fast, eating at the decaying wood and belching smoke into the sky, replacing blue with grey. Astrid stumbled a little on the uneven ground, grabbing at my shoulder as she stared at the blazing buildings down the street.



“Come on,” I said, already sweating from a combination of panic and anger. Though the air was still cold, the heat from the fire was getting closer, and the smoke seemed to mesmerize us as we watched it. “Come on,” I said again, more forcefully, and turned away, moving as quickly as I could down the street. My leg protested every movement, my hair sticking to my damp forehead as I glanced back to make sure Astrid was following.



She was right behind me, a tiny spark of logic catching in her mind. “Do we even know where the police station is?”



I would have stopped dead if I hadn’t been so doubtful that I would be able to start walking again. Choosing to swear colorfully instead, I shrugged in resignation at the typicality of the whole situation and suggested that she text Josh. She was pulling out her phone from her burnt jacket with a dubious expression, our footsteps quick on the pavement as we hurried down the street, when I sensed rather than saw someone on a rooftop a few buildings ahead.



With the help of another couple colorful words, I reached for Astrid’s arm, but she had already grabbed mine, pulling me into the shadow of a side of a building. There was some sort of alleyway in between the building’s wall and the next; my palms pooled with sweat as I took in our surroundings. It wasn’t like my experiences in alleys were of sterling quality.



Our backs pressed against the wall, we exchanged wide-eyed looks. I didn’t want her to look away, as her eyes had this hypnotic effect on me that calmed the panic rising inside and slowed the wild pounding of my heart. But look away she did, peering around the corner of the building to scope out the road. Her dark hair drifted over her neck, one hand reaching up absently to push it back. I couldn’t remember the last time it had been this short.



“I think it’s just the one guy,” she said after a moment, jolting me out of my jumbled thoughts. I felt like I had inherited Joel’s ADD, my mind flitting from one dimension to the next in a mixture of exhaustion and adrenaline as I struggled to concentrate on the situation at hand.



“So we take him out.” I took a stab at logical thinking. “And then we can keep moving.”



But as she turned to look at me again, something in her expression changed, eyes widening so that the white were clearly visible. I knew before I even turned, my stomach churning with dread as I whipped around, one hand on my gun – but of course I was unable to use it. Because it was him – it was always him – standing there with his arms folded across his chest and dark eyes boring into my skull, no sign of a bullet wound in his shoulder.



Something slammed into my lungs, air whooshing out as my knees threatened to give out beneath me. My thigh was suddenly aching intensely, that familiar tingling feeling back in my wrists over the dotted needle marks, and it was only when Astrid’s cold hand crept timidly onto the hot skin of my arm that I realized this was real, that this wasn’t a dream. Because I could never reach her in dreams.



“Get out of here,” I mumbled, vocal cords frozen, and when she didn’t respond – couldn’t, it seemed – I pushed her away from me. But even as I did so, Finn’s eyes snapped and his voice penetrated my ears.



“I wouldn’t let her leave if I were you.” It struck me that he was speaking English; it sounded unnatural coming from his lips. “That man you saw was not the only one out there.”



“You’re bluffing,” I said wildly, but he just laughed, the noise traveling up my spine. I shuddered involuntarily. He took a step in my direction, still a good ten feet away but far too close for air to enter my lungs.



“There’s only one way out.”



His voice was low, but I would have heard it three miles away; it was imprinted on my memory. I understood what he was saying, the words swirling around and around in my head as I fought for air and rational thought. Astrid was just a cool touch on my arm, but at the same time I had never been more aware of her. Or perhaps it was the phantom her, the dream her: Finn’s threats ran circles in my mind as my fear for her rose.



She was saying something in my ear now, her voice soft and soothing in comparison to his. “Charlie, don’t listen to him. There aren’t any men out there; he’s bluffing.”



But I knew he wasn’t bluffing, because he never bluffed. What would he gain by it, what would he gain by playing the game with any different cards, when he had already proved he could find me anywhere? Next time it’ll just be you and me. And it couldn’t be anyone but the two of us – I wanted Astrid out of there – I wanted to be out of there – and yet there he was, large as life, real life, just waiting for me. As he would always wait for me.



“Such a pity about your boyfriend.”



He was speaking to Astrid now, just a note of sadistic humor creeping into his tone, and her face paled in the corner of my vision. Something began to rise inside of me, something thick and dark and ugly, and it took me a moment to place that anger again, that black anger that came with intense fear and panic. I saw Astrid’s hand clench around her gun but placed my hand on her wrist so that she didn’t move.



My head was pounding, my eyes suddenly aware of every tiny detail: the specks of grass in the cobblestones of the alley, the graffiti on the walls, Astrid’s quick breathing, the tiny hint of white at Finn’s shoulder, the depths of his black, black eyes. You don’t have the nerve. I was afraid of him, more afraid than I had ever been, but Astrid was still touching my fiery skin, and when he took a step forward with a slow smirk, something snapped within me.



That something catapulted my body forward, everything suddenly in fast-forward as I registered only a few things: the impact against his body, Astrid’s sudden scream, and his hands grabbing my neck even as he staggered backwards. He had been expecting it – of course he had, what else had his goading been for – and I was no match for him. My back collided with the opposite wall, jarring my shoulder blades as he released my throat. His fist slammed into my stomach, my knees buckling as I slid down the wall, gagging reflexively.



But this wasn’t going to be like the previous time; this time he didn’t have the option to disappear. I launched myself forward again, getting low and making him retreat a few steps. A mixture of training and animal instincts took over from there, my mind fuzzy as it struggled to keep up: swing, duck, slide, punch, twist…It was a blur in fast-forward, the world spinning around us.



His dark eyes were still boring into mine, his face still stoic even though his fists were alive with his temper. Some small part in the back of my mind knew that I was going to lose, that I was going to lose from the moment I woke up in that room weeks and weeks before. I tasted red and black and white, blood mingling with the wild anger and bright flashes of light when his fist collided with my head. I could feel Astrid behind us – there and yet not there, real and yet not real, her presence the only thing that kept my heart pounding, pounding, pounding.



I was on my knees, my face sticky with blood and sweat, and my body refusing to hold me up as my senses dimmed. Unable to move, unable to fight, I made one last effort to hold those dark, dark eyes as he stood directly in front of me, stopping his onslaught momentarily to look me right in the face.



“Did you really think you could defeat me?” The Portuguese words drifted somewhere near my ears, taking its time to enter so that I saw his lips move before I heard his voice. “Have I not taught you well enough?”



A hint of white at his shoulder. My lips were dry, barely able to move. When I spoke, he had to lean in to hear me, his eyes sucking me in as Astrid’s had just moments before – as Astrid’s had – Astrid…Astrid… And something hard and cold brushed against my palm.



“You really,” I gasped, hardly audible enough for my own ears to hear, “suck at teaching.”



And then, as his eyes flared and he pulled back one fist, I fell forward with one hand extended, one hand clutching the knife that had been thrown on the ground next to me, one hand striking desperately to the right. An animal noise of agony escaped his lips as it sunk into his shoulder, right through the white bandage, sunk deep into the bullet wound therein. And then it was him on his knees and me pulling myself to my feet, me looking down at those dark eyes.



A gun was in my hand – I hadn’t consciously drawn it but didn’t stop to consider how – and now its barrel was pointed directly at Finn’s forehead. My legs were shaking, my body screaming for me to collapse again, my hands trembling on the trigger – but not from fear. No longer from fear. It was his time for that now, and yet even as he looked death in the eye he was unshaken.



“Going to kill me?”



Those dark, dark eyes. I felt like I was staring into a black hole, fully aware of how easily I could be sucked in. Astrid was murmuring something behind me, but when her cool palm touched my arm again, I shook her off, the barrel of the gun wavering slightly. Finn’s eyes flickered, a slow smile spreading across his mouth.



“You can’t do it. So I haven’t failed – you’re still a coward.”



He was goading me, he was goading me, he wanted me to kill him to prove some sadistic point of his own. That was how it always was in books and movies, wasn’t it, the bad guy was cornered and the hero had a choice to kill him…but I wasn’t a hero and this wasn’t a book or a movie. And Astrid was just behind me – I had never been so aware of her presence or how much it meant to me or how much it hung in stake as long as he was living and breathing.



I hated him.



“You’re thinking all those cowardly thoughts that people think are so heroic.” His voice was very quiet. “You’re going to turn me into the authorities, let them deal with me. That would be worse than letting me die, wouldn’t it?”



They would never find him. But he would always find me. And her. I looked him in the eyes, everything else suddenly blurring, and my words were choked. “Maybe it would. And maybe I’ll find you in Hell someday.”



His eyes were amused, smug at his success. Time slowed around me, my heart pounding and mind racing, my dulled senses all at once hyperaware. And then my finger tightened on the trigger, trembling muscles suddenly calm as air entered my lungs, chest rising and falling raggedly as those dark eyes looked into mine. Something flickered in them, as something had undoubtedly changed in mine, and for the first time he realized that I was serious, that the tables had turned, that he had failed.



It was the closest he would ever come to fear, and for a moment I savored it, feeling its black taste on my tongue. But then I thought about my words to Joel and the look on Astrid’s face, and suddenly I realized that maybe there was a reason that books and movies were such clichés. My gun hand faltered, the muscles loosening in my fingers, but even as I began to lower it, that tiny speck of fear inside him took over, as fear eventually always will if not controlled.



He was on his feet quicker than I could have expected, throwing himself forward with a still-expressionless face, because he didn’t know how to show emotion, not even when he was staring death in the face. I fell backwards from the impact, my back smacking into the cold, hard ground with such force that I cried out in pain, my entire body protesting. His assault brought him down on top of me, my hands pressed against his chest as I tried to shove him off, the fingers of one hand grasping the handle of the knife.



When he pulled himself to his knees, the knife stayed in my hand, and he let out another animal noise of pain as blood dripped down his shoulder. I was down – he had me now, there was no way out of this – and dimly I saw Astrid aiming her gun, but then everything slipped back into fast-forward: He wrapped his hands around my throat, beginning to squeeze, and my knee jerked up in an automatic reaction. With a gasp of pain that no man could withhold, as his muscles seized up, he fell forward once more –



– right onto the point of the knife held in my sweaty palm.



I understood then the real meaning of deadweight, the air crushed out of my lungs as blood bubbled at the corner of his mouth and his eyes rolled back in his head. The blood on his chest was spreading into a pool on my sweatshirt, his face an inch from my own. Gagging, I tried to push him off of me but didn’t have the strength. My muscles screamed as I panted for breath, turning my face away from his.



Suddenly the weight was released: His body rolled slowly off of mine and the dark splotches around my vision cleared slightly. Gasping, I lay there on the cold ground with fire burning my skin, my head fuzzy and my stomach churning. Someone bent over me, dark hair falling in her face – Astrid, my heart informed me distantly – but I couldn’t understand what she was saying. A buzzing in my ears matched the pounding in my temples.



Rolling over, I managed to get to my knees, still bent over the ground as pain shot through my torso. As I tried to get to my feet, my vision blackened, and all at once I was on hands and knees, throwing up so violently that I was sure my lungs were coming out. Someone stood next to me, a cool hand gently pulling the hair away from my sweaty forehead as I retched again. Colors danced before my eyes, slowly clearing again as I took great, gasping breaths.



Blood was splattered on the ground in front of me – my blood – and I became aware that my whole body was shaking, sweat dripping off my face. Astrid was crouched next to me, her hand on my shoulder now and her mouth moving in soothing words that I couldn’t hear. Sinking back on my knees, I felt her take my hand. I tried to meet her eyes, find something there that would reassure me, but all I felt was black.



“I’m so sorry,” she whispered, the words finally reaching my ears, and I blinked in confusion.



“For – what?” My tongue felt heavy, barely able to enunciate words.



“I had my gun the whole time – I could have killed him or something, before he…” Her voice broke, trailing away as the pressure on my hand increased.



My consciousness was slipping away, the world fuzzy at the edges, but there was one thing I had to say. “I killed him.”



She put her other hand on my face with a look that I couldn’t remember seeing before, her voice soft. “You didn’t kill him, Charlie. He fell on the knife; it was an accident.”



My lungs were fighting to breathe, my heartbeat echoing in my ears, but I forced myself to stay conscious. “He didn’t beat me,” I said hoarsely, and as I coughed I tasted blood, red flooding through the black. “I didn’t kill him.”



She didn’t say anything; it seemed that she was unable to. Her eyes were huge, filling my vision, and for the first time I realized she was crying, the tears falling down her face as she smoothed the hair away from my forehead. “Don’t cry,” I murmured, my voice dipping away as a great weariness fell over me. “It’ll be okay.”



“Oh Charlie,” she whispered, her eyes starry, and all at once I was overwhelmed with everything. Falling forward, I laid my head in her lap and closed my eyes, allowing the darkness to swamp the world.