Chapter Nineteen

Ariya's P.O.V.



Justin is awake just after 3am this morning. We're heading out for this cattle drive thing today, so he wants to get the other animals sorted out before we leave. I only slept for about an hour last night. The memories are back and no amount of fighting has been able to quench that. The need to keep an eye on my surroundings and make sure I'm safe has been exceptionally strong since the 'Todd incident'. That's what Justin's likes to call it. On the plus side, everyone has stayed well away from me since then. They finally realize how volatile I am. I'm still angry at Todd though. I'm trying to trample it down and ignore him, but it won't take much for me to want to pound his little skull in.

I haven't taken Justin up on his little agreement. He's tried to make conversation with me, but I've completely ignored him. I know he's annoyed about that, but to be honest, I don't really care. Maybe when I've calmed down a bit more then I'll think about talking to him. At the moment, I just want to be left alone.

I help Justin in the barn before everyone else wakes up. He's got the radio on some country station. I swear, that's all he listens to. I know I don't know much about music, but surely there's more out there than country. He's whistling along to a song that I'm deliberately trying not to listen to, and then he starts chuckling. My curiosity gets the better of me and despite my subconscious warning me not to, I ask, “What?”

“This song. It could be describing you.”

“Huh?”

“Do you even listen to the music on the radio?”

“I try not to. And you call this music?”

“Hey, don't hate the country music. It's the best. What is your style then?”

I chuckle, nice try, Justin. “Definitely not this.”

“Oh, come on. You can't just say that. You cannot hate the country and then not give an alternative. That'll just make me assume you secretly do like my tunes...”

“Er, most definitely not. I don't really have a style.”

“No way. Everyone has a style. There's got to be one genre of music you like better than everything else, even if it's just a tiny bit more.”

I don't know what music is out there now. The only time I really hear the radio is when I pop into D's place for a fight roster. He gives me a schedule once a week and I turn up wherever and whenever he wants me to. I don't get paid for my fights. I use it as a release so I can get some sleep and not eat myself up from the inside out because of the anger. D doesn't know I'm homeless. It's never come up in conversation and I don't intend to make it an open topic. I make sure I'm clean and presentable any way I can before going to see him, so he has no reason to question it. I snap myself out of my thoughts and realize Justin is staring at me.

“So? Even a favorite singer?”

I sigh, “Michael Jackson, I guess.”

“Ah, an MJ fan. Favorite song?”

I shrug. I know what it is, but I don't want to answer that. It'll make me think of her, and I don't want to do that. I hate thinking of them and I hate that I still like that song after everything. They're the reason life got so messed up in the first place. Why would I want to waste my brain space on thinking about them.

The radio crackles a few times and I notice Justin changing the station quickly. Eventually he says, “Ah ha! This is the song I was talking about. It's called 'Firecracker'. That's you, right?”

I scoff at that, but listen to the lyrics this time. He's a joker. This is a stupid love song. There's no love in me. Although, I like the line that says 'she packs a punch like a Roman candle'. I also like being compared to a piece of dynamite.

When the song finishes, I say, “You're actually crazy. That does not describe me...”

“Sure it does. You're like a firecracker. You explode out of nowhere and you certainly pack a punch...”

“Thanks for the compliment...”

I know he didn't necessarily mean it that way. If his raised eyebrow is anything to go by, I'm correct in that assumption.

He's quiet again for a few seconds, and then he says, “I don't get it. How can you be so cold and distant most of the time, and then all of a sudden you're engaging in light banter. How does that work?”

“I got skills?”

“While that may be so, it's not the answer I'm looking for.”

I shrug. I don't know why I can't have normal conversations. Well, I sort of do. Most people make me angry and then I just want to hurt them. Somehow, I don't think that answer will go down very well, so I keep my mouth shut.

“Seriously, how does it work? How can you hold a conversation with me right now, but 10 minutes ago you were like a block of ice?”

“I was dissing your music, there's a lot of milage in that...”

He chuckles, “You can't diss the baritone voice of Josh Turner, Ariya. That's like sacrilege.”

“You're actually serious?”

“Totally. You didn't hear me dissing Jackson, did you? I mean, he wasn't exactly a man's man, was he?”

I look at him shocked. I honestly didn't think he'd come out with something like that. Although, I shouldn't be so surprised, he's a Marine after all. He's probably been surrounded by tough men his whole life.

“What? You do know he died, right?”

“Of course I know he died. Where do you think I've been? Outer Mongolia?”

“I've been there. It's cold.”

I laugh at his stupidity.

“I don't know where you've been hiding, but it's certainly not where good music is. You'll learn to appreciate country music before you leave.”

He smiles softly but then turns serious, “ In all honesty, I don't know where you've been hiding. I have a few ideas about you, but you don't give much away. I just wish you'd be a bit more honest with me. I know you don't lie, but you don't like to answer questions either. I know you live in New York, but that's it. Can you at least try to hold a normal conversation with me? Without the sarcastic remarks and without trying to get a reaction out of me?”

My stupid honesty policy kicks in and I truthfully answer, “Probably not.”

“Why not? Hang on, was that sarcastic?”

“Nope, it wasn't.”

“Right. So why not then?”

I sigh. He's actually not that bad, when you start to get to know him. But that's the danger, getting to know someone. They'll just stab you in the back and trample on you, so what's the point in getting to know someone? Or someone getting to know you?

“I've answered more than your 2 questions.”

“You've got a few day's stored up. You've been ignoring me for the past 4 days. So, why can't you hold a normal conversation with me?”

“Because I don't like people so I don't talk to them.”

I'm getting annoyed now. This is one of the reasons I don't talk to people.

“People make you angry and then you want to hurt them. Am I getting close?”

“I'm always angry, dude.”

“It's not really a joking matter, but I'll gloss over that for now. You know what I think?”

“I'm sure you're going to enlighten me, even if I don't want to hear it.”

“I think you have spent so much time on your own that you don't actually know how to be social. I'm betting that you pretty much stay on your own when you're in New York...”

“Dude, do you know how many people are in that city?”

“You can have millions of people surrounding you, but still be alone. I can help you to be social, Ariya. I know you think you don't need that skill, but you will. Even a Marine in combat needs social skills. Admit it, you're warming up to me, right? You don't think I'm as bad as you used to.”

“You're worse...”

I see the shock register on his face and then he says, “I thought you didn't lie?”

Not a lie, a stretch of the truth maybe, but he makes me sleep in the same room as him. That's bad enough in my books. I'm not going to say that though. I'm just going to get back to shoveling the muck. He chuckles when I get back to work, like he thinks he's won or something. Whatever, I really don't care.

I'm riding Splash, Justin is on a palomino horse called Star, Mike has a brown horse called Dart, Todd has Luna, a spotty horse, and Louise has a ginger horse called Flame. Real original names there, aren't they?

We've all got some supplies strapped to the horse's saddles, things like food and water, etc. I am a little worried about this ride, but I'm not going to let that show. I'm not weak, so I won't let anyone know how I feel. As long as I don't fall off, I'll be good. Although, if I fall off and die then I won't have to worry about being here anymore. That option doesn't sound so awful all of a sudden. To be honest, I don't actually mind being around the horses or doing the physical work. It's the people and the lack of freedom I have a problem with. Plus the fact that I can't get a decent fight. That really sucks.

Anyways, we ride for hours, trying to find the herd of cattle. The scenery is something else. We'd never get views like this in the city. I've never really been outside of NYC, so this is all new to me. In some respects I'm very unlearned, but in other ways, I've seen more than most. I suppose it all depends on how you look at it.

I jog Splash ahead of everyone else, I'm a bit fed up of walking and it seems the horse is too. It doesn't take long for Justin to catch up with me.

“You seriously think I'm going to take off? I don't even know where to go. Besides, I don't think I'll be able to hide with a splatter colored horse with me...”

“He's a paint. I keep telling you this.”

He gets annoyed every single time. It's funny.

“Your's is blonde, Mike's is brown, scumbag's is spotty and Louise's horse is ginger.”

“Seriously? Have I not taught you anything? Palomino, Appaloosa, Bay and Chestnut...”

As soon as he's finished saying the colors, he realizes I was trying to annoy him. I definitely succeeded in that effort.

“I thought you'd know by now, I don't listen.”

“No, you do. You just choose to ignore what I say. We're heading this way. The cattle are usually in one of the far fields at this time of year.”

“How do you know that?”

“Cattle aren't like horses, they graze from the furthest point and get closer to home. Horses just eat wherever they find food. They roam as they're eating, so they can travel miles in one day.”

“They like the freedom.”

“Hmmm, sounds like someone else I know. You think I don't notice the way you look out of the window? The horses aren't the only ones who don't like being locked up. You like the freedom of the streets, huh?”

I scoff, but say nothing. I don't want to give anything away.

We set up camp just before dark and I make sure to set up my sleeping bag away from everyone else. Justin sets his near my chosen spot and says, “I'm trusting you enough to not put the cuffs on you, but I'm not letting you out of my sight.”

“You better not sleep then. I'll be out of your sight if you close your eyes, unless you're dreaming about me.”

I shoot him a wink and a smirk, and then say, “Although, that might be considered the stuff of nightmares. I guess it depends on your take of it.”

“More like a headache, not a nightmare. You need to get some sleep tonight, Ariya. We've got another long day ahead of us tomorrow. You need the rest.”

“I'm fine.”

I don't need much sleep. I can survive on an hour or 2. I don't tell him that's all I get on the streets. You can't be too careful in those situations.

Todd pipes up, “Well, you were fine before you decided to go all gaunt on us. Now you just look anorexic. Eat something and you'll look hot again. I'd do....”

It's Justin that stops Todd's comment, “Shut your mouth, Todd. You want Ariya to knock you out again? Didn't you learn anything from Sunday's incident?”

“Yeah, that she's crazy. She should be locked up...”

“Don't think I don't know about your part in that whole thing. Your mouth is what got you in trouble, so learn to keep it shut, unless you can back that mouth up with your fists. I seriously doubt you can take Miss Flynn on, so stop trying to get a reaction out of her. Ariya, go help Lou with the food.”

I actually do what he says, but pretty much only to get away from Todd. He's an ignorant pig and I don't want to spend any longer in his presence. Mike is making a fire when I get over to Louise. I see him stacking the wood wrong, and before I can stop myself, I say, “You're doing it wrong. You need to stack those sticks in a pyramid shape. It lets the air flow through to get a better fire...”

“What do you know about building a fire, city girl?”

“Obviously more than you, solider boy. Hey, don't listen to my advice, see if I care. But when the fire goes out early, don't say I didn't warn you. Justin sent me to help with dinner, Louise.”

She's flustered and quick to answer, “It's ok, thank you. I have it covered...”

She's scared of me. Well, at least someone is. I chuckle and say, “Either you want lover boy over here to help you, or you're scared of me. I'm betting on door number 2 myself...”

She turns bright red, even in the fading light I can see that.

“Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner...”

Mike obviously doesn't appreciate my amusement at the expense of his little girlfriend and he growls, “Aryia, stop being a jerk. Just leave her alone.”

I click my tongue and reply, “Sorry, no can do. Justin told me to help with dinner. Can't go against direct orders.”

He scoffs, “Since when has that ever bothered you? I'm sure there's never been a direct order you've ever followed. I'd hate to have been your parents when you were a teenager...”

I'm on him quicker than I can take my next breath. I shove him and throw some punches, but he blocks them. He's a better fighter than Todd, which isn't hard to accomplish, but I still go at him. I nearly scream at him, “Don't you ever talk about my parents! You know nothing!”

Mike gets a couple hits in himself, but before it turns into an all out war, I'm ripped away from him. I'm literally kicking and foaming at the mouth as I'm carried away. I'm thrown across the field and I land on my butt, skidding through the grass. I don't know what has happened to me and the calm exterior I used to have. These people cause me to break my cover and show my anger. This doesn't normally happen and I don't like the feeling of being out of control.

“Ariya! What has gotten into you?! I warned you about this...”

“No, you told me to keep away from Todd. Mike's fair game.”

“Don't try to be technical on me. I let you out of my sight for a few seconds and you're tearing into him?! All I asked you to do was help with dinner. What on earth did he do to deserve that?!”

“I was going to help with dinner. They don't want my help.”

“Can you blame them, if you're gonna explode like that?”

“You know what? Whatever. I'm not eating anyway, so why should I help? If they don't want my help then fine.”



I get up and find a random rock to sit on, away from everyone. I'm not interested in their bonding or socializing. I need to regroup and get my head together so I don't keep losing my cool. This isn't me. I'm becoming him. I'm losing control, just like he used to. I'm not him. I refuse to be like him and if I have to kill myself to stop that, then I will. I'm not suicidal or anything, but if you knew what he was like, then you'd understand my thinking on this. He was a nasty, disgustingly vile person and I can't even find words to fully describe him. I won't become him; I can't become him. So, I sit on the rock and try to get myself under control yet again.