Chapter Twenty-Three

Ariya's P.O.V.

I can't believe I told him. I'm so furious with myself right now, but I can't actually make myself have the energy to do anything about it. What I am surprised at, is Justin's reaction. He hasn't judged me. He hasn't told me how disgusting I am or how I deserve to die or rot in a prison cell. In fact, he seems understanding about it. Maybe it's time to give it up. Maybe he is right and this is the perfect place to talk about it. Once I leave, we never have to see each other again and we can forget all about it.

I don't want to tell him about my past. In fact, I don't want to tell anyone. But I'm increasingly aware of the toll this is taking on my body. I can't sleep, I don't want to eat and I'm exploding all the time. It's only a matter of time before I lose control completely and do something I can't take back. I am aware of this fact, but it doesn't make the decision to reveal my history any easier.

I really do think I deserve everything I have been thrown in life. My father was a horrible person, there is no doubt about that. But you're not supposed to kill people and you're certainly not supposed to kill your parent. My cruddy life is the universe's way of trying to balance out the awful thing I did. I can deal with that. I'm not one to think it's not fair. I don't think it's unfair that I'm homeless or that I don't have any family, well none that care to know me anyway. But that's getting ahead of myself.

“What happened, Ariya?”

“I stabbed him.”

I'm sure this isn't me talking. There's no way I would just let that piece of information slip so easily.

“Why did you do that?”

“It doesn't matter.”

“Clearly it does. That's a vital piece of information and probably a big part of why you feel and act the way you do. What happened to your mom?”

I shrug. After they took me away, I only saw her once.

“You don't know?”

“Nope. Nor do I care.”

“Really?”

“Do we have to do this? I don't want to talk about it.”

“Remember when I said what you want and what you need are two different things? This is one of those times. You might not want to tell me, but you need to talk about it. If you don't, you're going to explode and I don't think even I will be able to hold you back. You want to talk about those scars instead?”

“No.”

“Thought as much. So, your mom?”

“I haven't seen her since they took me away. Well, that's not strictly true. I saw her in juvenile court. She testified against me. Said I went crazy and just attacked him. She let them send me to a detention centre and didn't even bat an eyelid.”

“Wow, that's pretty harsh.”

“Obviously I was better off without her.”

“Maybe, maybe not. You'll never know now. You won't know what life could have been with different decisions.”

“I do know that life would have been worse if he was still alive. That's for sure and certain.”

“Really? How can you be so sure?”

“He was a horrible man. And you're going to say what they all said back then. That is was teen angst and it's normal for teenage girls to not like their parents.”

“No, that's not what I was going to say, but you do seem quite certain of the fact he wasn't very nice.”

“I am. You don't know. They didn't know.”

“So, tell me. Explain it to me. Why did you do it?”

I sigh. I've got this far, I may as well just say it now. “He would have killed her...”

“Who?”

“My mom.”

“What? Why?”

“Er, because he was a horrible person? Didn't you hear that piece of information? Or are you just stupid as well as deaf?”

He chuckles at me. “I did hear that, thank you very much. He didn't just attack her for no reason, did he? There had to be something to set him off.”

“Did there? Do you always think so highly of people?”

“Not always, but I didn't know him so I can't presume to know what he was like.”

I snort. He's giving far too much credit to this man. “He was a treacherous man. He was despicable.”

“I'm getting a picture of him now. So, he didn't have a reason for attacking your mom?”

“He thought he did.”

He looks confused, so I just decide to get it out there.

“My mom was pregnant. He accused her of having an affair, even though he knew there was no way she could have. He beat her and he would have killed her if I didn't step in.”

“The scars?”

I shake my head. I don't want to talk about that. “He beat me because he was angry I stepped in. I took the beating but I knew if I passed out he'd go back to beating her. So I grabbed the knife and stabbed him, 17 times to be exact.”

“Wow. I really am sorry.”

“Don't be. I don't want your pity.”

“It's not pity. Can't you accept that someone actually doesn't want bad things to happen to you?”

“Pshh, nope.”

“Well, you're going to have to accept that from me, because that's what I meant. I don't want anything bad to happen to you. I'm sorry that you had to do that and I'm sorry you've had to deal with the consequences that go along with a decision like that. I know better than most what those consequences are. Did your mom lose the baby?”

I'm shocked that he'd ask that question. No one else has ever been interested in the outcome. Just that I did what I did and that I would be punished for it.

“Yes.”

He lets out a deep sigh, “I can see why you'd be so angry. Although, I don't think it gives you the right to beat on people. I can accept that you don't always know what to do with that anger, especially when people have hurt you in the past. I can understand that you don't want it to happen again.”

We fall silent again, and I'm berating myself for revealing this much information. Justin's voice shocks me out of my thoughts, “Don't. Don't do that. Don't tell yourself off for talking about it. It's not weak to get help. It's not weak to talk about these kinds of things. I don't want you to think that. I know it's outside of your comfort zone, but it's not wrong to get help. I know you don't think this is getting help, but talking about it does help. Trust me.”

There's silence again and I can hear the crickets chirping.

“How old were you?”

“Is that important?”

“To me it is.”

I can't even find the energy to fight with him. I'm suddenly drained of every ounce of strength I have and my body couldn't possibly feel any more tired.

“12.”

His eyes nearly fall out of his head. To me it seems normal, because that is the life I've lived, but I can see how someone else would find it shocking.

“You were just a child, Ariya. That is messed up, man.”

“Don't mince your words there, hey army boy?”

“I told you I wouldn't lie to you. The honesty thing works both ways. And I'm a Marine, not an army boy. Did you ever get counseling?”

“They tried, but I didn't like to talk about it.”

“Nothing has changed there. Well, thank you for being honest with me and talking to me. I appreciate that. We should get some sleep.”

“Can I stay here? It's nice here.”

“Sure, but I'm going to stay with you. Not because I think you're going to run away, I promise. I just think I should stay here.”

I nod, too tired to argue. Is it any different to being in the same room at the ranch? If I have any nightmares, at least he'll think he knows what they're about.

I think I fall asleep almost as soon as my eyes shut and I only wake up when I hear birds chirping. My eyes open and I see the sun starting to rise. What startles me, is the fact that someone's arms are wrapped around me. I jump up and away from them and then I realize it's Justin. The memory of talking last night hits me hard, almost as hard as I hit Justin in my haste to get away from him.

He jumps up, like he's expecting someone to attack us. I'd probably find that amusing if I wasn't so out of sorts. How on earth did that happen? I know I didn't fall asleep in his arms and I would never seek comfort from him or anyone else like that. I might use people for a night or two, but never for comfort; only for a release.

“What the...? What happened...?”

“Don't panic. Nothing happened. You were dreaming and shivering, so instead of leaving to get blankets, I just brought you closer to me. You settled after that.”

That shocks me. I don't even remember that. I mean, I remember dreaming, but I didn't wake up. That's not like me at all. I usually jump up to check my surroundings. The only reason I wouldn't, is if I felt safe enough. Surely, that can't be because I felt safe with Justin here, right? Life was much less confusing when people weren't involved in it.

I have to put up my walls again and forget I ever said anything to Justin. As I turn to walk back to the campsite, Justin asks, “Ariya? What did the authorities think about your mom's injuries? If your dad beat her, how did she explain it?”

He's too good at this game. I think I might have met my match here. I can't or won't lie, so I'm left with 2 options. Answering or walking away. Telling him the truth isn't any worse that what I revealed last night, so I sigh and reply, “She told them I did it.”

I walk away and leave him standing by the log. I can't face him right now. Everything is just too much of an emotional overload. I've spent so long harboring only one emotion, anger, that I don't know how to process this change. Now, I'm not saying I'm an emotional wreck or anything, but I'm starting to experience emotions I haven't felt in a very long time. I don't like it and I don't know how to deal with it. The best thing I can do is run away. That's what I've always done, and that's what I will continue to do.

When Justin joins us for breakfast, he shoots me a look, but it's different. Like it holds some pity or sadness and a bit of understanding. The others seem to notice it, because Todd smirks and asks, “What's going on guys? Anything you want to tell us? Or not tell us as the case may be...”

I might be feeling weird, but not that weird. The anger bubbles up at his insinuation and I grab him by the scruff of the neck. I hiss in his face, “You want to shut that mouth or I'll do it for you. Not everyone is a pervert like you. Just coz you're filth, doesn't mean I am...”

“Is that an admission of guilt? Coz it would explain why you get preferential treatment.”

“I told you to shut your mouth!”

I land a left hook to his chin and go in for another hit when Justin grabs me. I know it's Justin and not Mike, but I don't know how I know. He drags me away from Todd and I quickly shake him off me.

“Don't touch me!”

“Just calm down, Ariya. Take a walk or something.”

I pace up and down, muttering to myself. I know everyone is watching me and I probably look pretty insane right now, but my head is about ready to explode. I need to get away. I need to get out of here.

“We still following the river, Justin?”

He nods, so I say, “I'll ride ahead and find the herd.”

Mike starts to protest but I cut him off, “I'm not running. I'll find the herd and wait.”

I don't wait for a reply. I march toward the horses and grab Splash's tack. As I'm saddling up, Justin comes over to check I've safely put the tack on and he whispers, “Only to the herd, Ariya. I will come looking for you if you run.”

“I'm not running.”

He nods, “Be careful.”



I scoff at that. Like he really cares. No one cares. I don't even care. Maybe I'll fall off and die and I won't have to worry about this life anymore.