Chapter Forty-One

Ariya's P.O.V.



Ok, so this whole 'friend' thing is proving harder than I thought. I'm not good at this being nice thing. I honestly really struggle with being friendly. I'm not a nice person; I guess I take after my dad in that respect. I couldn't tell you if it's because of the way he treated me, or if it is just in my genes because of his DNA. I don't suppose it really matters either way. The truth of the matter still remains that I'm a horrible person and I truly don't know how to be pleasant.



It's been a tough couple of weeks. It has now been three weeks since Justin found me after my attempted escape. He has allowed me to ride Splash again, so I've been having some more 'lessons' with Justin. He seems to think I'm doing well and he keeps telling me he's proud of me. That is an extremely weird concept, especially when I know this is all fake. I'm just trying to get out of this place, even if I have to pretend I'm a reformed character.



I know is doesn't sound like it's been a rough few weeks, but trust me, it has. I'm really struggling to keep my temper under wraps. Todd was quiet for a while; I'm assuming Justin warned him to keep his mouth shut, but that seems to have worn off and he's starting to make underhanded remarks again. He needs to have the snot beat out of him to put him back in his place, but I know that will mess up my whole plan. According to my initial time scale, I have four more weeks to get out of here. I don't know if that is going to work, but I'll still try my hardest. It doesn't seem like Justin is going to let me go that easily, but I'll give it my best shot. I've never been one to back down from a challenge.



I suppose I shouldn't get my hopes up too much though. Life lets me down constantly, and I seem to fail at pretty much everything I do; except for fighting. Now that, I am good at. I still can't understand why someone would want to take away the only thing I am good at in life, but I should be used to that by now. Life has never been kind to me, and I should stop expecting it to be.



Justin seems perky this morning. While I'm struggling, angry because I'm betraying the promises I made to myself all those years ago, he seems to be having a great time. Of course he would be; he thinks he's breaking down my walls and getting to know me. He thinks he's winning this battle. I will have the last laugh. I will win this war. He might think he knows me; but he doesn't. I will never allow anyone to know me properly. He just doesn't know that I'm faking it. It wouldn't be the first time in my life that I've faked something, trust me. I've pretended more in my twenty-one years than you can possibly imagine.



We're just getting ready to have breakfast, but I'm not particularly hungry. I'm fidgeting because I have so much anger boiling up inside of me. Todd has already started with his stupid comments, and as soon as I head for the coffee pot, the turd appears next to me with a smirk on his face. I make sure there's as much space between us as physically possible. I need to lessen the odds of smacking him in the face. At the moment, I'm not liking those odds, even with a truck load of distance between us.



He mutters toward me, "Justin is looking rather happy this morning. Maybe I can sample your goods, huh? Seeing as you're sharing and all...."



I ball my left hand into a tight fist and curl the other one around my mug so tight that I think it might actually crack with the force. Instead of hitting him, I launch my cup of coffee at him. The hot liquid hits his shirt, but the cup hits the floor before actually making contact with him. Silence falls on the room for a fraction of a second and then Todd the Turd starts squealing like a piglet, about the coffee burning him.



I grind out, "I'm going to clean stalls..."



I turn on my heel and march out of the house. I'm sure someone will be hot on my trail, but I don't really care about that. I need to get out of that place before I completely smash Todd's skull in. Once I start down that road, there really will be no stopping me. These weeks of pent up rage are begging to be released and if the floodgates open, then I don't know if, or when, it will stop.



I don't make it as far as the barn before the red haze overwhelms me. I find the nearest inanimate object and I start hitting it. I punch it like it's my worst enemy and this is my only chance to get revenge.



I'm vaguely aware of Justin's voice when he speaks. "You're going to hurt yourself..."



I can't stop myself. I have to get this anger to a controllable level before I can stop.



I feel Justin at my side, more than I see him. I know he's there for sure, when his hand lands on my shoulder. I turn on him and I'm sure there's a fire in my eyes that he's never seen before, because he's momentarily stunned.



He gathers himself quickly and his voice is soft when he speaks next. "Hey, hey. What's going on? What has made you so angry? Talk to me..."



I growl and then grind out, "Rack off... Just leave me alone."



"Really? You're going to undo all the progress you've made in the last few weeks? For what? Is whatever happened really worth it? You want to hit someone? Hit me."



He really doesn't want me to do that, and I tell him so.



"I'd rather you hit me than that post. It's not going to do it any good and it's damaging your hands. Hit me."



He doesn't need to tell me twice. I swing at him and the succession of my hits are so quick and filled with rage, that I'm actually better than I usually am. He's normally better than me, but I won't admit that out loud. Still, this time I'm sure I'm winning this fight and I don't think it's because he's letting me.



I don't know how long this goes on for, but we're both breathing heavily and sweating when my hits eventually let up. I glance up at Justin and notice the faint trace of bruising starting to form on his face. I actually hit him on the face. That was one of our rules; no head shots. I broke the rule.



I take in a sharp breath and prepare myself to apologize or at least accept a reprimand, but Justin speaks first, "What was all that about?"



"I hit your face..."



"We'll address that later. Let's go back a bit further than that. What caused this outburst?"



"I didn't mean to hit your face. I broke the rule. Sorry."



I mean the comment to come out offhanded, but it holds more emotion than I'd like. It's out there now and I can't change it. I'm clearly not in control right now, and judging by the look on Justin's face, he knows it.



Oh how things have changed since I first arrived here. I would never have lost control like this before I arrived. I would never have felt sorry for breaking a rule. I would never have apologized for anything. I have betrayed myself by becoming soft and allowing my walls to be broken down. Let's face it, I haven't exactly been putting up much of a fight over the last few weeks. In my haste to get out of this place, I have betrayed myself more than I wanted or intended to. Maybe that's what Justin does; wears people down so much and makes them want to leave so badly that they will do anything to get out.



When my thoughts clear a little, I find Justin staring at me. He's holding an expression that I've never seen before, so I don't know how to read it.



His voice is soft when he speaks."Hey, what's going on, Ariya? What happened?"



All of a sudden I'm tired. My body feels completely drained, which is an unusual feeling for me. My fight instinct usually keeps my body awake and in some form of overdrive. Having a fight like that has never taken this much out of me. It doesn't feel like a physical tiredness though. I shouldn't feel like this. I've been eating well and training sensibly. I shouldn't feel this tired.



I stare at Justin for a few seconds and then I say, "I'm tired."



"Do you want to go rest up? Maybe you're getting sick."



That would be an easy way to get away from everyone, so I simply say, "Maybe."



"Go get some rest and I'll check on you once I've sorted the horses out."



"No."



"What? Why not?"



He seems shocked by my decline of his offer. What he doesn't know is that would be pretty much admitting preferential treatment and Todd would have a great time with that, wouldn't he?



"Because I don't want special treatment. I'm not special and I'll be fine. I just need a minute."



"No one is going to think you're getting special treatment..."



I shoot him a look, letting him know he is so wrong about that. I think the penny drops and then he asks,"That's what he's saying? That I'm giving you preferential treatment? Why would he think that?"



"Erm, because he's a turd?"



"Behave."



I'm exasperated, "You're telling me to behave?! After the things he's said?! Are you kidding me right now?!"



"Whoa, chill out, Ariya. Just because he says or does something to you, it doesn't mean you have to retaliate."



"Are you for real? That's a sure way to get a reputation as a doormat. If I do that, then I'll get my head smashed in."



"No one is going to smash your head in here. Not that you'd even give them a chance. You can let things slide and still stick up for yourself if you need to. You don't have to jump on everything he says."



"Right. So, it's ok for him to basically call me a slut or prostitute? I mean, if I don't let him know that's wrong, then I may as well live up to the reputation, huh? Maybe that's the plan you guys have come up with, huh? Wear me down so I eventually give in? Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but that isn't ever going to happen..."



"Geez, Ariya, what kind of person do you think I am? Haven't I shown you that I'm not like that?"



"People are all the same. They all lie, cheat and betray. Why should I think you or anyone else are any different?"



I need to get my anger under wraps again. I'm revealing stuff that I really shouldn't. Yet again, Justin is making me betray myself. How does he do that? No one has ever made me lose my cool like this. My dad used to make me lose it in a completely different way. I would never have spoken to him or revealed any truths to him in my anger.



Justin's voice breaks into my thoughts and he almost sounds exasperated, "Because I am different. I haven't lied to you, cheated or betrayed you. I could have told Chris or Mike what little I do know of your past, but I didn't. I wouldn't do that because you told that to me in confidence. I would never betray that."



I scoff, "Yeah, words don't mean anything."



"Maybe not, but actions do. I haven't done anything to make you believe any of that stuff about me..."



"Seriously? You tied me up in the back barn and left me there..."



"I've admitted that was a bad decision on my part and I have apologized many times for that. I never did it to lie to you or betray you. My intentions were never to hurt you. In fact, it was only ever to help you. Everything I have done and am doing is for your benefit; to help you. I know you don't think you need help, but I can assure you, you do. You may not see it now, but this rage is hurting you more than anyone. You need to release this anger. I mean truly let it go. I don't think you'll ever be able to do that until you talk to someone about whatever has caused you to feel like this. I'm not saying you have to talk to me specifically, but you do need to talk it out with someone...."



I shoot him a look of disdain, but before anything more can be said, someone clears their throat and says, "Ariya?"



In our fight or anger fuelled session, we didn't see anyone walking up the drive or onto the property. I'm pretty sure I hear my jaw hit the floor and then I mentally check my features to make sure I have a look of indifferenceon my face. I feel Justin's back go up and he stands in front of me slightly. It's almost like he's taking a protective stance in front of me, but I know that can't possibly be true. No one protects me; no one wants to protect me. That's why I protect myself and why I won't even let anyone think about taking care of me. I'm fully capable of taking care of myself. I have survived this long on my own and I intend to continue doing the same.



Justin's voice breaks me out of my daze and I notice the gravelly, sharp tone. The difference in his voice is kind of hot, but I will never say that out loud. Man, I'm really not in control or feeling at all like myself.



"Who are you? Why are you on my property?"



"The sheriff in town told me where to find your ranch. I came to see how Ariya is getting on..."



I hate that sheriff even more now and if I ever get the chance, I'm giving him another beating. I turn on my heel. I don't get very far before Justin's voice stops me in my tracks.



"Ariya, wait. The sheriff telling you where to find us doesn't answer my question. Who are you?"



"I'm Officer Joe Palmer from the NYPD. I was Ariya's arresting officer."



My anger flares. I was going to completely ignore this situation, but the rage burns through and I can't stop myself from seething, "What are you doing here?!"



"Whoa... I wasn't expecting quite that reaction. I mean, I didn't necessarily think you'd be happy to see me, but you've never shown that much anger toward me..."



I can feel myself losing control and wanting to hit him. Justin must sense this, because he steps closer to me, and slightly blocks the path between Palmer and myself. His voice is sharp and stern when he speaks again.



"Why are you really here, Officer Palmer?"



"Call me Joe, please. I know Ariya really didn't want to come here, so I thought a familiar face might help her out a little bit. I know I'm not exactly a friend, but I am a familiar face and someone to remind her of home, especially on her birthday. You must be a little homesick by now, right, Ariya?"



I've managed to gain some control over myself, so I scoff at his words and reply, "Go home, Palmer. I'm not interested."



Justin seems suspicious of the whole situation, so he turns his gaze on me and asks, "Is he really an NYPD police officer? Is he telling the truth?"



Joe quickly interrupts before I can even open my mouth. "You're asking a known criminal for the truth?"



"Ariya doesn't lie. We discovered that the hard way. Ariya? Is he telling the truth?"



"Yeah. He's arrested me hundreds of times probably. I've lost count."



Justin turns his back to Palmer and faces me completely as he whispers, "And that's it? There's nothing else here that I should know about? You guys didn't date or anything?"



I cover my shock and disgust at his insinuation by chuckling and asking, "Why? You jealous?"



"What? No! I'm trying to get a full picture here."



"I'm disgusted you'd even ask me that question. I'd never date filthy, pig scum. How could you think something like that about me? I have standards, you know."



He chuckles a little at my response,"It's not that bad, surely."



"Oh, it really is. Get that scum out of here, before I do it myself. And trust me when I say it won't be pretty."



I walk away from the two men, not wanting to be involved in any of the upcoming conversation. This is turning out to be an awful morning and it isn't even 9am yet. Does the universe want to throw anything else my way today?



I head to the barn and start cleaning the stalls. I have no idea what is taking Justin so long, but I swear, if Palmer isn't gone by the time I finish in the barn, I'm seriously going to lose my mind. I take my frustrations out on the horses poo, the wheelbarrow, the floor and on the sweeping. The barn is spotless once I've finished all of the jobs. I notice that no one appeared to help. Not that I'm bothered about doing everything on my own, but I realize more and more that I'm left to deal with the 'dirty' work. If only they knew how much worse I really have done. That would shock their pretty little worlds, wouldn't it? Seeing the look on their faces is almost worth me revealing some of my secrets.



Don't get any ideas, I'm not going to do that. I did say it's almost worth it. I'm not that far gone to betray myself that much.



After the barn has been finished, I clean all the saddles and headstalls, tidy the feed room and make sure all the horses have enough hay and water. That's when Justin appears in the barn. He's giving me a weird look and I can't quite place it. I don't like not being able to read people, so I choose to ignore it completely.



Instead, I ask, "Is he gone?"



He sighs, "No. I asked him to stay for a little while. I want to look into him.."



If he thinks I'm stepping into that house while that pig is there, then he can think again. That so isn't happening.



Before I can ask for more jobs, Justin questions, "Is he telling the truth?"



I raise an eyebrow at him, "I already told you he's a cop. Why are you asking again? Are you deaf or just losing your mind?"



"Can't you be serious for just a few minutes?"



I shrug and say, "Maybe. If I knew what the heck you were talking about."



"Your birthday. Is it your birthday?"



"No idea. You're the one with my file and a calendar. You're the one who is supposed to know all things."



He shoots me a stern look but then responds, "I didn't check your birthday on your file. Believe it or not, that's not what I use to get to know you. And it's July 27th today."



Huh, well what do you know. Palmer was actually right for once. I never thought I'd say that. Heck, I never thought he'd turn up here. Honestly, I have my doubts that I'll ever get out of this place.



Justin's voice snaps me out of my thoughts, "So?"



"What?"



"Is it your birthday?"



I'm not going to make this easy on him. "Why do you need to know?"



"Why does everything have to be so difficult with you? I'm just asking a simple question. What's the harm in me knowing when your birthday is? Maybe I want to verify his story. Maybe I want to know more about you that I don't read in your file. Maybe I'd like you to actually give me some information of your own free will. Or maybe, just maybe, I don't want you to spend a birthday with no one caring what day it is. That's a pretty trash way to spend a birthday, with no one even acknowledging it..."



I chuckle, "Seriously? You're going with that? I've spent the last ten years on my own. No one has cared about my birthday in those ten years, so why should I be bothered about one more? The birthdays before that weren't so great either, so there's no loss to me at all. It's just another day; another year that I've managed to not die. Well-freaking-done to me..."



He looks stunned at my honesty. To be truthful, I don't know where that came from. I suppose it's that thing he does; getting me to reveal stuff when I don't mean to or want to.



He questions, "Your parents never cared about any of your birthdays?"



Oh no, we're not talking about this. I am not talking about my parents. He is not going to get those memories out of me.



I start to walk away and confidently say, "I'm not talking about this. Yes, it's my birthday, but it seems like you care about it way more than me. It doesn't mean anything to me, so just drop it."



He almost pleads with me, "Ariya, wait. Please..."



I turn and give him my full glare. I'm sure if I had laser power in my eyes, he would be dead right now.



"Don't. Just don't. You don't get to question me about this. Just leave it alone..."



I storm out of the barn and don't look back. He doesn't get to ask me about my parents. He's not allowed access to those memories. I won't allow him to make me remember things I've spent years trying to forget. How dare he try to open the lid on that jar of memories. I refuse to go back into the house if that pig is there and I'm too proud to head back to the barn, so I head to the corral to sit with the horses. Maybe watching the herd will help this anger to disperse. I sure hope so, because if it doesn't, we're going to have some problems on our hands. Well, specifically myself and Justin will be having problems. I'm not sure how much longer I can pretend. Justin may have won this battle, because the anger may just take over and ruin my plans. If I can't get it together, then I'll be stuck in this hole forever.