Chapter Forty-Four



Justin'sP.O.V.



I might not be an expert in women, but I can read people well. I know when someone is in distress. Ariya is very clearly distressed right now. I don't think she even knows how to deal with everything she's thinking or feeling. She's probably trained herself not to feel anything for all these years, so I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't know how to handle it.



Now, I know Ariya doesn't do well with people touching her, but I think the girl just needs a hug. She's probably had no form of human contact or comfort in a very long time. So, I climb out of the truck and make my way over to her. She pauses her pacing enough to eye me suspiciously and she asks, "What are you doing?"



It doesn't hold the same amount of venom as it usually would.



"Shh, just trust me for a second. I'm not going to hurt you and I won't let anything happen to you."



I wrap my arms around her and she stiffens in my embrace. She doesn't hit me, which is a bonus in this situation. She's completely rigid though, like she doesn't know what to do.



I whisper, "Just relax. I'm not going to try anything. I just want to help you. You're upset and distressed, so I'm trying to comfort you..."



Her mouth says no, but she doesn't try to escape out of my embrace. To be fair, I'm not holding her tight, so she could easily escape if she wanted to.



"Just relax, Ariya. Try to accept some form of comfort from me. Even if it's only for tonight. We can forget about all of this come tomorrow..."



Her voice doesn't hold it's usual power when she speaks, "You have to stop this. I can't do this, Justin. You can't keep doing this..."



"Doing what? I'm trying to help."



She mumbles, "But you're not helping. You're not helping at all."



"So tell me how I can help then..."



She mutters, "You can't."



Well, that's very different to her usual response. Normally, she's quick to tell me she doesn't need help. Obviously, I don't want her to slam the door in my face, so I try to be careful with what I say.



"How do you know if you don't let me try? Why don't you let me try?"



"You don't understand, Justin..."



"So help me to understand. I want to help. I want to understand. I don't want you to continue this downward spiral and not be able to control your anger anymore. Make me understand."



She sounds like a broken form of herself when she whispers, "You can't ask me to open that jar of memories. You don't know what that will do. You don't know what a lack of control is until you see that. I won't be able to control what happens after that. You have no idea how bad it was or how long it took me to gain control over myself... I was doing so well until they sent me here..."



At the risk of making her angry, I say, "Your actions sent you here, Ariya..."



I hear a spark of her normal self peek through as she moves away from me and she speaks, "I don't hit people who don't deserve it, Justin. He deserved it... He touched me inappropriately so I smashed his face in. Should I have let him just get away with it and do who knows what else?"



"No, of course not. But you can't just go around smashing people's faces in. What you should have done is reported it..."



"No cop would ever take me seriously. Even if I'm in the right, they assume I'm not, so what's the point in trying?"



She has a real hate for cops and something inside of me is telling me it's an important piece of the puzzle. I decide on the best way to approach the subject without getting shot down again. Ariya sits on the grass and looks up at the sky and I see a sad smile on her face.



Eventually, she whispers, "I like the night sky. The stars are so amazing."



I sit next to her and watch her instead of the sky, "Yeah, they are. Ariya? What about if I help you get control of yourself if you start to go through those memories? Surely we can work together to get through it?"



"You can't do that. It'll be fine if you just allow me to keep it buried. If you keep asking about it then it's going to cause problems. If you don't ask then I can deal with it."



"That's part of the problem, Ariya. You're not dealing with it. For a start, it isn't healthy to keep everything bottled up. You've been struggling more and more to keep your cool while you've been here; even before I started asking you questions. I appreciate that you've been on your own for a long time and you've had to take care of yourself. I understand that you're careful with who you tell information to. I get all of that, but don't you think it's time to let some of it out? Don't you think you should let someone help you and let someone take care of you even just a little bit? If I can help you to control your anger and your memories, then you can go home. We'll never have to see each other again. I won't be anywhere near you to be a constant reminder. I won't be able to reveal your secrets to people you know, because you'll be in New York and I'll be here. Surely that's got to be better than sitting on everything and going crazy because you're struggling to hold it all in."



She's silent, but I see her body language change slightly. I'm beginning to wear her down. Her shoulders slump a little and she shuts her eyes for a few seconds. She doesn't usually let her guard down enough to close her eyes when we're nearby, which means she's either completely out of sorts or she trusts me more than she likes to admit. Either one works to my advantage, I guess.



I tentatively test the water and say, "Ariya? Can I ask you something?"



She shrugs, so I continue, "I know you don't lie, but I'd like an actual answer instead of an evading answer. Why do you hate cops so much? I get the feeling that there's something important I'm missing here and that seems to be a big part of it. Why do you have such a hatred for cops?"



She takes a deep breath and I really think I've chanced my luck too much with the question. I'm getting ready to change the subject completely when she whispers an answer.



"My father was a cop..."



Now, that, I wasn't expecting. I frown. I guess it makes sense if he was a cop and he treated her mom and her badly then she wouldn't like cops. But her resentment is so strong that it leads me to believe there's more to the whole thing.



I try to keep the conversation going by asking, "Was he a bad cop?"



"No. He was actually very good at his job."



"Ok. So what went wrong? You seem to hate him..."



She spits out, "Of course I hate him! I hated him while he was alive and I still hate him! That hatred is constantly burning inside of me and it makes me just like him!"



Wow, I don't know where that came from, but she despises the fact she might be like him. She really does hate that man. If I want to help her then I need to understand why she harbors so much resentment for him.



"I don't understand, Ariya. I want to understand why you hate him so much and how you think you're like him, but I can't if you don't let me. I can't understand if you don't talk to me."



I hear her take in a shaky breath, but she doesn't speak for the longest time. The silence isn't unusual for Ariya, but the uncertainty and the unsteady breathing is definitely uncharacteristic for her. I sit in silence, waiting to see what happens. Somehow, I think pushing the issue will only stop her from talking and make her angry.



She picks blades of grass out of the ground with her fingers and then brings them up to her face to inspect them. She looks deep in thought but finally she begins to talk.



"The problem wasn't when he was at work. It was while he was at home. He was an awful husband and an even worse father... He may have given me my genes, but he wasn't a dad... He hated me. I think he actually hated me from the time I was born. Obviously, I don't remember that part though."



That's pretty tough. I can't imagine having to live with my dad, knowing he hates me.



Maybe that's just her perception, so I ask, "Did he tell you that he hated you?"



"Oh yeah, all the time."



"Geez, Ariya. That's horrible..."



"Not really. The feeling was mutual, believe me."



"It shouldn't be that way though. Do you know why he felt that way?"



She lets out a chuckle, "It might be quicker to list why he didn't hate me."



I don't see the humor in the situation and I tell her so.



"I don't see the funny side of this..."



"Really?"



"Come on, Ariya, you can't tell me that none of this bothers you..."



She narrows her eyes at me, and I worry I've just caused her to shut down. Surprisingly, she doesn't clam up. Instead she snorts, "Him hating me was the least of my worries. That was probably the most bearable part to be honest."



This is good. She's actually opening up. She might be talking in riddles or not making much sense, but at least she's still talking to me.



"What happened to you, Ariya? I can't imagine you've always been like this..."



She scoffs at my statement and almost sounds disgusted when she reveals, "No, I wasn't. I used to be weak and pathetic. I won't allow myself to be that stupid little girl anymore. There's no way I'm going to prove him right."



"Who? Your father?"



Her face turns an unhealthy shade of red and she nearly explodes, "He thought he was so tough, beating on me. He used to tell me I was the weak and pathetic one, but really it was him, wasn't it? He was pathetic for beating a kid...."



Geez, he beat her? I suppose that explains a lot.



I tread carefully, "He beat you?"



She chuckles but I don't hear the same humor behind it. "Oh yeah. All the time. Since I was real young."



I have to say, I am a little shocked by this revelation. She must see this because she's quick to comment.



"You don't believe me... I don't blame you. No one else did, so why would you? I deserved it, so why wouldn't he...?"



Wow, she has some serious issues going on. I can't believe that she's actually spilling out all of this information, but maybe her brain is overloaded and she can't keep everything bottled up anymore.



"What?! No! How could a little kid deserve that kind of treatment? You tried to tell someone?"



She completely ignores my question and picks at the fabric on the knees of her jeans.



Eventually she shrugs and speaks, "I tried to be a good kid. I thought if I did nothing wrong then he wouldn't beat me anymore. Maybe if I'd have stood up to him before that night, then it wouldn't have turned out the way it did..."



"Did he hurt your mom too? Before that night, I mean?"



"No."



I let out a deep sigh. What a way for a child to start their life. The fact that he was supposed to be a good cop makes no sense to me. Surely he'd naturally want to protect his child from harm.



"Was he a drunk?"



"You going to use that as a way to excuse his behavior?"



There is venom dripping from her voice.



"No, of course not. There is no excuse for behavior like that. He should never have laid a hand on you, especially while you were a child."



She's quiet for a few seconds, staring at me. I know she's trying to read my expression so I let my guard down a little for her to see that I really do mean what I'm saying.



"He wasn't always drunk. Maybe some of the time, but mostly not. He was fully aware of what he was doing."



"That's awful. He was sick, Ariya. No parent should treat their child like that..."



She lets out a laugh, "Dude, not everyone can have a perfect life. I'm ok with that. I deserve everything I get."



"What? Why would you think that?"



She shrugs, "I killed my own father, Justin. You shouldn't be allowed to get away with that. The universe shouldn't allow it..."



I let out a sharp breath, "Don't talk such rubbish! You did what you felt you had to do in a really awful situation. You obviously didn't see another way out. I get that you were scared and you thought he'd kill your mom. It might not have been the best outcome, but I can see why you did it. Anyone in your situation would have done the same..."



She mutters, "I wasn't scared. I was angry. I was so unbelievably angry. I wanted to kill him. I wanted it to be over. I wanted him gone so I would never have to wait for him to land the next beating on me. I wanted him dead. I was glad when he stopped breathing and I'm still glad he's gone..."



I'm dumbfounded. I always thought she held some guilt over her father's death. Maybe somewhere in the dark corners of her mind she does, but I think that's covered by hate and relief more than anything.



I ask again, "Did you try to tell anyone?"



"That was a massive fail. Just like everything else I do... Except fighting. I'm good at that..."



I don't think she's quite in her right mind right now. There's no way she would be telling me all of this if she were. Her thoughts are all over the place, but I think if I try to focus them too much, then she'll back off and we'll be worse off than we were in the first place.



I can see she's lost in her thoughts, so I whisper her name to grab her attention. Her gaze snaps to mine before I speak again.



"Who did you try to tell? Why didn't they believe you?"



"His partner noticed something was wrong. I had a black eye, a split lip and a gash on my head.... That bled a lot actually.... Head wounds always bleed bad, even if they're not particularly deep...."



I let her ramble because she's revealing stuff without noticing it.



"He took me to the side and asked what happened. I remember staring at him for a long time with tears in my eyes.... I was so pathetic. I should have realized crying doesn't fix anything... I should have learned to suck it up and fight back.... When he pressed for an answer again, I told him it was Brad..."



She's quiet again and she gets a clouded look on her face. I'd know that look anywhere. She's back in that moment, so I touch her hand to try and drag her out of it. She flinches away from my touch and I hear her growl at me. She sounds like a wild animal; it's almost a primal sound of protection.



I guide her back to the conversation, "What did he say?"



"He stared at me with his mouth open before chuckling. He thought I was joking. Then he asked Brad what had happened. Of course, Brad told him I got into a fight at school; that I was having trouble making friends... That was a joke because I hadn't even been at school...."



I'm presuming Brad is her father's name. I'm not sure I want to call him by anything affectionate either.



"Did you spend a lot of time out of school?"



"When I was young, yeah. Once I learned how to hide it better, then school became a place to escape."



I don't really know what to say to her. I need a while to process this information, so I say the only thing I can.



"I'm sorry, Ariya. I'm so sorry you went through all of that. I'm sorry that the people who were supposed to protect you didn't do their job...."



She cuts across me, "I don't need your pity or sympathy. I don't care about it. I'm better off without either of them."



I can believe she's better off without her dad, but maybe not her mom.



"It's not pity. I can hate the injustice of the situation without pitying you."



"You don't need to have an opinion on the situation. I don't need your thoughts on it. It happened and I'm over it. You wanted me to talk, so there you go. Happy now?"



"No! Of course I'm not happy! How can you even think that?"



"You got what you wanted. Can I go home now?"



Was she playing me? Did she feed me a line just because she wants to go home?



I let out an exasperated sigh, "Did you just give me a story because you want to go home?"



I see the anger boiling up in her. I thought I saw genuine emotions in her while she was talking to me, but this person in front of me knows how to mask her emotions and manipulate people.



She jumps up and I can see her shaking in rage. "Are you for real?! You're one of them too?! I should have known better than to tell you anything! I give you that piece of my past and you just throw it back in my face?! Screw you!"



I scramble to stand and I put my hands out in front of me as I approach her.



I'm quick to apologize, "I'm sorry. I had to be sure. You were so quick to ask about going home and you know how to mask your features. I had to be sure. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I do believe you. I'm sorry."



My sincere apology stops her in her tracks and she glances at me, with her head cocked to the side. She's trying to figure me out, so I drop my guard even further. I let her read my features for real. I want her to trust me, so I do something I very rarely do and I take my mask off completely.



She must realize this, because her shoulders slump and she lays down on the grass. Her eyes are heavy and she looks instantly tired. I know she doesn't sleep very well so I'm sure her body and mind are completely drained. I want to ask her so many questions because I know she's hiding so much more. I'm tossing up whether or not that'll be pushing my luck when she starts to whisper.



"I'm not weak or pathetic, like he said.... I'm not like him..."



I take a chance and lay down next to her. I'm not close enough that I'm touching her, but I'm close enough to feel the warmth radiating from her. It's like her anger breathes fire through her skin because she's always warm.



I'm intrigued by her statement, so I quietly ask, "Why would you think you are like him?"



She scoffs, "I know what you're thinking. I know you're thinking I'm just like him because I can't control my temper... I'm not like him. I can and do control it. I never hit someone who doesn't deserve it..."



"That wasn't what I was thinking at all. I've got so many thoughts and questions running through my head, but that definitely wasn't one of them. But you can't just hit someone because you think they deserve it, Ariya..."



"Right. So what else am I supposed to do? Let people walk all over me? I've been there and I won't let it happen again. Cops are completely useless. They don't help the people who need it. They don't even believe people are telling the truth unless it's something they want to believe. Why should I leave it to them to dish out justice?!"



She kind of has a point there. Her dad's partner didn't believe her when she tried to tell him what was going on, so I'm not surprised she doesn't trust any cops.



"What did your dad's partner think after you killed your dad?"



She snorts, "He believed I'd got into a fight at school and when Brad came home to sort it out, I snapped and killed him. He said my mom tried to stop me and I turned on her too... There's no way I would have hit my mom. I'm a lot of things, but I wouldn't hurt a woman unless I'm completely positive they can handle themselves..."



She definitely has her own moral compass. She doesn't mind hurting a guy that can't defend himself, but she won't do anything to a woman. It doesn't seem logical, seeing as she's a woman and all. This girl is still such a puzzle to me.



There is a burning question that I really want the answer to. It's one that rises above all of the others.



I take a deep breath and ask, "Ariya? Did he give you those scars?"



Even though I'm not touching her, I feel her body stiffen at the mention of the scars. My stomach drops at the look of pain I see flash across her face briefly. She quickly gets her expression under control before speaking.



"Don't. You don't get to ask about that. That's none of your business. I told you about Brad, but that's all you're getting. Don't ask that again."



I whisper, "Ok."



I have no intention of sticking to that, but for now I'll let it lie. It's now that I notice she keeps calling her dad, Brad. All those times she referred to him as her father must have be hard for her. It seems like she only did that to mask how she truly felt about him. She must have known I'd question it sooner if she called him by his name in front of me. What a messed up situation.



"Hey... Thanks for trusting me enough to tell me..."



Ariya is gaining some form of her normal self back, because she grinds out, "I don't trust you. I just want to go home."



While I believe she's telling the truth with both statements, I also believe she trusts me more than she wants to admit or maybe even knows. I don't think she would give me the information just so she can go home. I don't think she'd want to betray herself like that.



We lay in silence for the longest time, just staring at the sky. I glance over at Ariya a few times, but her eyes don't leave the navy canopy dotted with twinkling stars. Despite what her father told her, she isn't weak or pathetic. She's a strong person, both physically and mentally. She might not be able to control her temper or mood swings all the time, but the fact that she's even able to control it at all is quite amazing. I know what it's like when the red haze of rage takes over. After everything that's been thrown at her while she's been here, she's only truly lost it a handful of times. Todd has been goading her, I know this, and this life is so very different to everything she's known for a long time. I'm surprised she's managed to get through this far without doing much more damage.



Even in her mini breakdown, she's still holding it together; she's still strong and refusing to give out too much information. That's quite impressive. Not necessarily good for her, but impressive just the same. Aside from the few tears when I mentioned about there being good in her, Ariya hasn't cried through the whole of our conversation. I don't know if that's necessarily a good thing, but she's definitely good at controlling her emotions.



When I glance over at Ariya the next time, her eyes are shut and her breathing has deepened. She's asleep. I don't want to disturb her or wake her up, but I know she won't be comfortable sleeping here all night. Maybe I'll wait it out for a little while to see if she wakes up. She doesn't usually sleep for very long, so when she wakes up I'll ask her if she wants to go back to the house. Until then, I'll just rest my eyes. I'll hear if she wakes up, so I can just try to relax and process this evening while I wait.