Chapter Forty-Five

Ariya's P.O.V.

I'm startled awake when I feel myself moving; a bit like I'm flying. I know I'm a bit disorientated, but I definitely know I wasn't on a plane. I was in a deep sleep, which is why I'm slightly perplexed. I haven't slept like that in a long time.

I thrash around, trying to defend myself and then I hit the floor with a hard bump.

I hear Justin's voice let out a curse but I'm more concerned about taking care of myself than worrying about what he's cussing about. I scramble to get up from where I fell and I try to get my head together. I'm up and dusting the dirt off my hands when I pause in my movements. I remember what happened. I remember telling Justin about Brad. I suppose the only plus side of that is I no longer have to force myself to call him my father. I can call him by his name and Justin won't question it.

Still, I've betrayed myself by giving in and telling him about it. I shouldn't have been so weak, but I literally thought my head was going to explode with all of the things bursting to be released. I don't know what game Justin is playing, but I'm starting to think he has beaten me. I don't want to admit defeat and I will fight until I can't fight anymore, but he's clearly messing with my head. I buried all of my memories a long time ago and since being here, he has been working on getting those to break free. He really has no idea what he's in for if I can't control my mind. He hasn't seen me out of control until he's dealt with that. I taught myself to handle it and I self-medicate by fighting as much as I can. That helps to keep my anger at bay, but if he isn't going to allow me that, then we certainly will have a huge problem.

I'm actually not deliberately trying to be difficult here. I have a certain level of control over myself at the moment and I don't want to lose that. I don't want to open those memories. I buried them for a reason and I don't want to hand over the control I have to anyone. I want to keep those memories for myself and deal with the consequences on my own.

Justin's voice snaps me out of my thoughts, "Sorry, I didn't mean to drop you. You were in a deep sleep and I didn't want to wake you to move you to the truck."

"What time is it?"

He glances at his watch, "Nearly 1am."

I was asleep for a few hours. That really isn't good. I had no idea what was going on around me. Anything could have happened and I wouldn't have been able to protect myself or prevent anything from happening. This place is seriously messing with my mind. How am I going to protect myself on the street when I go back home if I'm losing all of my skills? I worked hard and went through hell to perfect these skills. Now I'm losing them just for some redneck and a stupid backward town? I need to get a grip.

"You want to sleep in the truck or head back to the house?"

I toss up those options. I don't want to be anywhere near that cop and I'm quite happy to sleep outdoors again. I like being out in the open. Even if it's nothing like being on the streets in the big city, it's more familiar to me. I need to get back to that. I need that familiarity again.

"The truck."

"Ok. I'll take the cab and you can have the bed of the truck."

I nod and climb into the back of the truck. Justin pauses at the tail of the truck before asking, "You going to be ok?"

I scoff, "Of course. Why wouldn't I be?"

He lets out a deep sigh, "You don't have to act so brave all of the time. It's just us here and I'm not going to judge you for letting your guard down."

"Just because you're a pansy, it doesn't mean I have to be."

He glares at me and is silent for a few seconds before speaking again, "It's not being a pansy or being weak to let your guard down. I'm not saying you have to do it all the time or wear your heart on your sleeve, but it's ok to not be ok all of the time. Don't make this harder than it needs to be..."

I chuckle, "That's definitely not what he said..."

He lets out a breath of a chuckle and then comments, "I should have known you'd say that. Get some sleep Ariya. We'll head back in a few hours."

I don't tell him that I won't get that much sleep. He doesn't need to know that. I just sit back in the the bed of the truck and hope that the hours pass quickly.

I must drift off at some point, because I'm startled awake again when I feel my fist collide with something hard. My eyes fly open to reveal Justin leaning over me, rubbing his chest. I'm guessing that's what my fist made contact with. This probably isn't going to go well.

He says nothing for the longest time, just stares at me with a knowing look.

Eventually he whispers, "You were dreaming..."

He doesn't need to tell me; I already knew that. Instead of giving any information away, I sit up and move away from him. I need some space and some air. I suddenly feel like the oxygen has been sucked out of my lungs. I don't like this feeling of being out of control and I need to regain my composure.

We fall into silence again until I ask, "What's the time?"

"3am."

I nod. That took longer than normal. Usually I dream quicker than that.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I'm quick to reply, "No."

I see him nod out of the corner of my eye, "Ok."

Silence descends on the truck again, but it's not tense. It's like Justin is leaving me to my thoughts or whatever. Silence doesn't usually bother me, but he's normally trying to fill that void. Except this time, he isn't.

After a very long pause, he lets out a deep breath and informs me, "We'll head back now. We should be able to get cleaned up and make a start on breakfast before the others wake up."

I nod, "I'm not eating if that pig is there. I don't want to be anywhere near him."

"We can eat first and head out to the barn."

As he drives, he continues to talk. It seems like he's recovered from his bout of silence.

"We need to head into town for groceries and animal feed. You and Lou can help me. Mike and Todd can give Palmer work to do if he's staying..."

I let out a low growl at the mention of Palmer staying. I'd rather go home myself, but I know Justin won't allow that. Instead, I'll settle for Palmer getting the heck away from me and this place.

Justin lets out a laugh, "I'll keep you away from him as much as I can, but I'm not just going to throw him out. I'm curious as to why he really came here. I'm suspicious about his motives and you can't blame me for wanting to make sure he's acting professionally..."

I laugh at his words and through my laughter I squeeze out, "For real? I can take care of myself, Justin. I've dealt with far worse than stupid Palmer..."

He shrugs, "That may be so, but I still want to keep an eye on him. It's part of my training."

I should have known it would be part of his training. While I may not be familiar with the thought of someone wanting to take care of me or make sure I'm safe, it might be nice to actually have the option of someone being willing to do that. I mentally scold myself. That is a weak and pathetic way to think. I shouldn't and don't need anyone to take care of me. You can't depend on anyone in this world, except for yourself. Even then, trusting yourself isn't always possible. I'm living proof of that.

Justin's voice cuts through the fog in my brain, "Hey. Don't do that. Don't berate yourself for last night. Just so you know, I would have said I want to run a check on Palmer to take care of you, but I didn't think you'd appreciate that. I know how set you are on protecting yourself. You may not want anyone else to look out for you, but I still want to do it. I'm guessing that's a new concept for you so I get it if you don't understand or accept it."

I don't respond to that. To be honest, I don't really know how to respond. I've never had anyone want to take care of me or protect me. D is a different story altogether. While he's the closest thing to a friend I have, I've never thought he's wanted to protect me. He's probably more concerned with protecting his asset and money maker but I'm not disillusioned about it. To him, I am a business asset before anything else. The thought has never bothered me and that's not about to change.

We travel the rest of the journey back to the ranch in silence. It's not uncomfortable or thick, it's just silent.

I open the truck door before it even rolls to a stop but before I can exit the vehicle, Justin stops me.

"Aryia? I need to say something. I didn't want to say it last night, but I think you need to hear it..."

He pauses and I wait for him to continue. I'm probably not going to like what he has to say, but I won't let him know that. I quirk an eyebrow at him, and signal for him to get on with it.

"For the record, if I was Brad's partner, I would have killed Brad myself. Partly so you were never put in that position but mostly because he should never have got away with doing something so disgusting and horrific. I will never agree with what he did and I fully understand why you did what you did. I don't judge you but I do wish you'd have had someone around to do it for you. Not protecting people goes against all of my training and everything I believe. I know it doesn't mean much now, but I wanted you to know that. I know you can take care of yourself, but I want you to know I won't let anyone hurt you while you're here..."

I frown at him, but I can't stop a sarcastic remark from falling from my lips, "Good to know..."

I jump out of the truck and head into the house. I need to shower. I want to wash off everything from last night and I need a moment to try to clear my head. I'm not used to all of this emotional stuff and I don't like it. I don't like feeling weak or vulnerable and I need a minute to throw my defenses back up.

As I let the steaming hot water cascade over me, I second guess my decision to reveal that stuff to Justin last night. Ok, so maybe I didn't get much of a decision in it all. I felt like my head was going to explode with all of the thoughts and memories raging through them. Besides, if Justin really isn't going to let me leave until he thinks I can control my anger, then I don't have much choice in the matter. Although, there are some things I will never reveal to him. In some respects, Brad is a safe subject. While what he did was awful, and it was the beginning of a really cruddy life, it's something I have learned to accept. He was a despicable person and my mom was no better. Maybe she was even worse, actually. She willingly lied to the cops and had me taken away. I was trying to protect her and the baby and she threw that back in my face. Even still, I would do it again. If there was any chance I could have saved the baby, I would do it again.

Maybe that makes me stupid or a pushover, but I hate to see injustice. I've been dealt far more injustice than I'd like and I don't agree with it. Especially when it comes to powerless people. If you want to start trouble and get your backside handed to you, then crack on. But, if someone is mistreating a person who is unable to take care of themselves or defend themselves, then I can't just do nothing. If someone would have noticed what was going on in my life, then things would have turned out so differently. It's just something I feel compelled to do and not make a big deal out of it. That way of thinking has got me in more trouble than I'd like to admit and I would never voluntarily offer up that information. I don't like people knowing that kind of stuff about me. I consider it a weakness.

I take a deep, steadying breath before shutting the water off and getting out of the shower. I hear Justin knock on the bedroom door but I don't answer. I'm not ready to deal with him just yet. In fact, I'm not ready to deal with anyone. I kind of just want to be on my own for a little while. I know Justin won't allow that because he's insistent that I need to have company and make friends. Honestly, I don't. I'd prefer to be on my own, especially with my thoughts the way they currently are. Memories are escaping from the vault and I need to put them away before I can be trusted to be around anyone.

It's nearly 4am when I open the bedroom door to reveal Justin standing there. He's running his fingers through his hair and I notice how his biceps move with the action. The guy is seriously ripped but not grossly so. You know those body builder types that go too far? That's not Justin. He looks like he takes care of himself and works out a lot. I'm sure he continues his training to keep his fitness up and the work on the ranch must help. I almost want to feel the muscles under my fingers, but I'd never admit that out loud. Hey, I'm still a human and I can appreciate a good looking male. Ok, so most people would debate the fact that I'm human. I have been told on more than one occasion that I'm a monster. Maybe I am, but people's opinions don't really matter to me. I'm more concerned with keeping myself at a normal level of anger and winning my fights. I don't need much else in life.

I'm snapped out of my daze when I hear Justin ask quietly, "You ready?"

I nod but I'm not really. I just don't want to admit weakness or deal with his questions if I say I'm not.

When we're in the kitchen, Justin grabs food from the fridge and then says, "Come here and I'll show you how to make an omelet. You ever had one?"

I shoot him a disapproving look. Where does he think I've been all my life? Also, I'm thinking I don't really need to know how to make an omelet. I don't really need to know how to cook anything because it's not like I have a stove or any means of cooking on the street. The system doesn't care about people like me unless they want to punish us for things. If you age out of the system then they pretty much slam the door on you the moment you hit the cut off age. They don't prepare you for life once you're out. They don't help you at all. I'm one of the lucky ones because I escaped before that. I got out before I aged out and I learned how to take care of myself from a very young age. To be honest, I was taking care of myself long before that anyway. That might be the only good thing that came out of the whole Brad situation.

I jump when Justin's face appears in my line of vision. He looks concerned.

"You ok? You were somewhere far away..."

"Fine. Let's just get this over with."

Justin throws out instructions but those are the only words he speaks. He doesn't question my weird behavior or anything to do with my past or last night. I'm grateful for this because I might just bite his head off if he did.

I just finish cutting the vegetables when the Turd appears in the kitchen. I let out a quiet growl at the sight of him and Justin whispers so only I can hear him, "Relax. We'll be out of here soon..."

The Turd must feel brave this morning because he sarcastically remarks, "You're trusting her with a knife, Justin?"

I literally clamp my jaw shut to stop myself from reacting to him. I want to rip his tongue out of his mouth but I know they wouldn't consider that acceptable behavior. I slam the knife down because I don't trust myself to not launch it at the Turd's head.

Justin frowns and replies to the Turd, "Dude, she doesn't need a knife to give you a beating. I thought you'd discovered that by now. She's never tried to use a weapon on anyone so why should I think she'd start now?"

The Turd scoffs, "Er, because she can't be trusted? Especially if Palmer's account of things are true. Honestly, I'd rather believe a cop over her and that's saying something, considering I've been busted before..."

I clench my fists so tight that my knuckles are turning white and I start to think I'll lose feeling in my fingers.

Justin is all about defending me this morning and I'm not happy about that situation. People are going to notice it and then I'll have to deal with that as well.

"Todd, we've discovered that Ariya doesn't lie. You've learned it the hard way so I would have thought you'd remember that. Why can't you just leave it alone? Why can't you just keep your mouth shut?"

The Turd shrugs, "Because she's weird and she doesn't play well with others. Why should she be allowed to have preferential treatment? Maybe she plays well with you, huh? And that's why she gets special treatment... Am I right?"

That's it, I can't trample down the anger any more. I'm not in a normal place at the moment and the Turd has just added gasoline and an ignition the festering rage inside of me.

I launch myself across the room, slide over the top of the dinner table and land on Todd in a matter of seconds. It's amazing what rage and adrenaline can do for your reflexes. Those must have been some ninja style moves. I throw punches anywhere I can hit Todd and my hits are rushed and fuelled by rage. Todd tries to fight back, but I don't give him much of a chance to even lift his hands, let alone throw a punch.

I have no idea how long I'm pounding the Turd like a lump of meat, but eventually I feel a number of hands drag me away. I'm seething; foaming at the mouth and shouting.

"Let me go! Let me rip his tongue out! I want to stop him from ever speaking again! Let go of me...!"

I can feel the rage burning inside of me and I hear a pounding in my ears. I can feel the blood pumping through my veins and my heart is racing. I want to teach that bunghole to keep his mouth shut once and for all. My vision is clouded with my anger and the red haze and I just want to finish what I started.

I'm thrown against a wall and then pinned there, but not how I usually am. I'm facing outwards and my back is against the wall. Someone is standing in front of me, with their back to me. That is a seriously bad move. They have no idea what I'm capable of or what I'm going to do because they can't see me.

I have just enough space to hit their back a few times, but that doesn't last long. They take a step back and pin my hands between their back and my chest. I'm breathing fire but I vaguely hear their voice hiss, "Breathe, Ariya. Fight through the haze. Come on, I know you can do it... Take a deep breath..."

The voice fights through the fog of anger in my brain and I recognize it as Justin's.

I manage to grind out, "Get off me, Justin...! Just get off me...!"

"Not until you've calmed down... At least you know it's me. That's a good sign. I have to keep you here until I know you're calm. I can't let you go at him again..."

Right now I'd settle for Justin getting away from me. I hate being restrained. I gulp in some deep breaths, trying to fight the red mist enough to get Justin away from me. I have such a struggle within me because I want to continue ripping into the Turd and I need to get this ball of anger out of me, but I also want Justin to stop pinning me against the wall. I want to get away from the restraint before the memories start to appear.

I bite the insides of my cheeks to try and ground me in this reality, rather than the thoughts that are building up within me. I taste blood in my mouth and I know I've broken the skin from biting down so hard. Before I know what my brain and mouth are doing, I let out words.

"Justin, you need to get off me.... You need to get away from me now...."

I start out relatively calm, but when he doesn't move, I turn slightly frantic, "Get off me!!"

There is less anger in my voice, but more worry and a frantic need to escape my own mind.

Justin must notice the difference in my voice, because in a few seconds I'm free from his grasp. I grip the wall and try to steady my breathing. I need to get a hold on myself. I don't want anyone to see me like this. This is weak and not who I am anymore. I refuse to be pathetic and let everything Brad said be correct.

But the voices in my head and the memories are overwhelming and I look at my surroundings. It seems like it's only Justin and I in the room now, but I can't trust my vision or myself right now.

Justin calls my name and then questions, "What's going on?"

I bite down on my lower lip before grinding out, "I need to hit something..."

I run up the stairs and into his gym. I don't even care that I said I'd never use this place again. I need to get rid of this rage and the thoughts that are going to consume me. This is one of the reasons I don't talk about my past. It opens everything up and I start to remember, to feel, again. I can't allow myself to do that and I need to trample it down as fast as I can.

As soon as I get to the punch bag, I totally lose my mind at it. It's not the same as hitting someone; or more specifically Todd the Turd, but it's better than having nothing to hit at all.

When my adrenaline and anger dissipate, I cling to the punch bag to catch my breath and regain some composure.

"Ariya? What's wrong? Talk to me..."

I growl, "It's your frickin' fault! This is all your fault!"

He takes a step closer to me and my back goes up instantly. I stand straighter and wait for something to happen. I don't know if he's going to rag on me or what, but I wait for whatever it is. Justin exhales a deep sigh and runs his hands through his hair.

"Take a breath. Just breathe through the anger..."

"Breathe?! I want to rip him a new one and you're telling me to breathe?!"

"Don't let him have that kind of control over you. Fight through it to control it yourself. I know you can do it; you've done it before... Talk me through it..."

I grind out, "No more talking..."

"Glove up then..."

He tosses me a pair of gloves, which I quickly catch. I don't need to be told a second time. I'm always ready for a sparring session or a fight. He puts his gloves on and warms up quickly before following me to the mat. We spend a while sparring and I use the time to work through my fury. With every hit, I try to filter my thoughts and push the memories back into their little boxes. It's not really working and I can only guess it's because they've been allowed to escape after so long. The years I spent bottling everything up has made them expand and I can't force them back into their little drawers in my mind. This makes me even more frustrated and angry and it causes a new surge of energy and adrenaline to rush through me.

By the time I start to come out the other side of the haze and my energy levels are starting to wane, I am pouring with sweat. The beads are rolling down my face and into my eyes, making my vision blurry and my eyes sting.

Justin drops his hands shortly before I slump down on the floor. I rip the gloves off and use the bottom of my shirt to wipe the sweat from my face. I glance up at him and I find him watching me intently. His gaze drops to my stomach and sides, where my skin is exposed. He's seen the scars before so I'm not really thinking about covering them up anymore. His eyes find mine briefly, before he returns his gaze to the scars.

I'm not so much ashamed of the scars, more like I don't want any questions to be asked. To be fair, I'm never around people long enough for them to ask about them. Whenever I'm with a guy, trust me, he's not thinking about my scars and I don't give them time to question it the next morning.

Instead of asking me about them, he asks, "Are you feeling more calm now?"

I nod slightly and then lay flat on my back on the mat, to catch my breath. Justin joins me, but he's not close enough to touch me, which I'm thankful for. Maybe he has got the message about the no touching rule.

He quietly muses, "You panicked when I restrained you like that, didn't you?"

I didn't panic. I just didn't like it.

"I didn't panic."

He sends me a sideways glance, "I thought you didn't lie."

"I didn't like it, but I didn't panic."

He sighs, "I didn't want to turn my back on Todd, just to be on the safe side. I didn't know how else to restrain you while keeping an eye on him. There's no way I'd have been able to drag you out of there on my own while you were in that state."

I don't comment on that. I don't really know what he wants me to say. He doesn't leave us in silence for long, as per usual.

"What didn't you like about it? Apart from the fact you weren't able to get back to Todd..."

I inhale a deep breath and hold it for a few seconds.

"If you want my help to control the memories and yourself, then you have to work with me. You're going to have to talk through some things with me. I know you won't like it, but that's part of the process. I'm not going to push you to talk, but I need you to know there will be things I have to ask you about and stuff you should and need to talk about. If we can discuss some of it, then I believe you won't lose yourself to the red haze so much."

I contemplate his words. I don't want to talk about my past, but I suppose I can filter through his questions and answer in ways that are vague. I don't have to offer any information and I don't have to answer him if I don't want to. I can keep my walls in tact and keep him out by doing this. He can ask his questions and show his hand, but that doesn't mean I need to do the same.

I let out the breath I've been holding and I think Justin takes this as a sign of resignation, because he asks again, "What didn't you like about me restraining you like that?"

I shrug, not ready to give him a real answer, so I go with a vague, "I don't like being restrained."

"Well, I know that. You've told me that before. Something changed this time. Something was different about that whole situation. What was it?"

"I don't know."

"Is that a lie, Ariya? I don't think you're being truthful with me right now. I don't believe you don't know, but we'll step round that for a second. What makes you so angry about Todd's comments? Why do you struggle to ignore them so much?"

I'm definitely not answering that question. That's even more personal than the first one. Maybe that's his plan because it makes answering the previous question not seem quite so invasive.

Still, I'm a stubborn and proud girl, so I simply say, "I hate him and I want to shut him up permanently."

He sighs, props his head up with his hand and turns slightly to face me.

"Ok. We'll leave it for now. Go get cleaned up and we'll grab breakfast before heading out to the barn."

I frown, not really understanding his sudden u-turn on the whole conversation. I'm not going to question it because I don't want to talk about it. I am trying to figure out his angle though.

I hear Justin chuckle as he says, "I thought you'd be glad I'm not pushing you for answers. That look suggests you're confused. I just don't see the point in arguing with you over this right now. You'll figure out I'm trying to help at some point and then you'll be more open to conversation..."

I smirk at his choice of words and he responds with a full laugh, letting me know he catches the meaning behind my smirk. I like playing the innuendo game with him. He actually makes it more amusing because he tries not to fall into the trap.

I push myself up from the floor and follow him out of the gym. I duck into my room to change my shirt while Justin does the same in his room. When I step out of the bedroom, Justin is waiting for me at the top of the stairs.

He whispers, "You think you can hold it together for breakfast?"

I look at him carefully before shrugging, "Can't guarantee it..."

"I guess there's only one way to find out. Let's give this a go, but at least try to keep your cool, huh?"

I chuckle, "I can't make any promises."

"Just give it a shot. That's all I'm asking."

I nod briefly and he leads the way down the stairs.