A/N: Not Edited.



Chapter 2 - Bumblebee (Oakley) POV

I hear talking, dad… Uncle Grant… and an incessant beeping, and all I can think in sadness is: it didn’t work. I did everything right, why was I still alive? Yes you are Oakley, you’re still alive, because you have people that care for you, I couldn’t heal you right away, it’s too soon. The voice says and once again, I know just how just how crazy I am, not that I’d tell anyone… you aren’t crazy, I’m you Oakley, I’m protecting you, safeguarding us.



Muddled, in the most defeated voice I’ve ever heard my father speak, he answers Uncle Grant, “Sarah’s mother thinks this is just for attention…” someone sighs, but Uncle Grant answers, “Pat… one minute later than we were and we wouldn’t find Oakley the way we did, we’d have found her dead. This wasn’t some superficial cutting, attention seeking stunt, Oakley was trying to get away, and I’ve told you-”



“What am I supposed to do here Grant? Its only getting worse… six years and she treats Amelia and Sarah worse than when I first brought them around. Sarah just wants to be a mother to Oakley and Ben-”



“They had a mother-”



“She left-” There’s a harsh sigh, “I don’t know what happened, but I’m willing to bet that Oakley knows more than she ever told us, but how could she even bother to come forward when all you’re doing is pushing the memory of her mother away. I told you six years ago, and many times before now, Oakley isn’t interested in Sarah being a mother figure. She doesn’t want her mother to be replaced or forgotten, and because of that I’m betting that when she was a child and said she knew nothing, it was a lie. She knows-”



“Norine took most of all her things, she left her wedding ring on the table with no note-”



“Pat, Oak wants to talk, you can see it, but she won’t if she feels you aren’t listening to what she has to say. She doesn’t want you to dismiss her feelings, she wants you to hear and actually see what she’s been saying for the last six years. You’ve let others judgment influence your perception, I know you were hurt when she left, but Oakley doesn’t display signs of a child whose mother left her, it’s more compatible with a child whose mother died Pat. And for six years, she’s heard Sarah, her family, most people talking about her mother in the worst ways, a mother that as far as Oakley knows, loved her, loved you and Ben. And you’ve let Sarah try to replace that, you threw away her things, but you have to see it? Don’t you? You wanted to make Sarah secure in her position as your wife, but-”



I don’t mean to make a noise but the talking is hurting my head, I groan, my eyes flutter open and shut when the lights blind me.



There’s some shuffling, “We turned the lights down Bumblebee, you can open your eyes again…” Daddy says and blinking, I see the bright lights are gone, the light no longer so harsh, I try to focus, on Daddy, “How are you feeling Bee?” they look at me warily, afraid.



“So tired,” I mumble, my whole body stiff, but I don’t say that I’m sad, angry that they came to help me, that I’m here when I didn’t want to be found. I should’ve done it somewhere else, hid.



“Oh Oak…” dad starts to talk, his eyes filled with tears, I’ve made him sad. Looking away, I turn to Uncle Grant; he’s watching me with those pleading eyes.



“Why? Why would you…?” dad manages to choke out, searching my eyes, the color of my mothers, the color he hates and my heart aches all over again.



I want to shrug it away, not answer, but words are suffocating me, “I’ve been unhappy since you’ve brought them around dad. You’ve explained over and over that it is Sarah’s home too but each day that goes by the more my hate grows. I know she’s a person you love, but I don’t love her, she took you when I needed you and you bent over backwards to make her and Amelia feel like they belong but you don’t even spend half of that trying to make me feel that way.”



I’m so heavyhearted but, I still go on, “I know you love them but I – Amelia wanted a dad, was happy to have you but I never wanted Sarah dad.”



“She made – makes you happy, but as happy as Amelia and Sarah make you and Ben, they make me miserable,” still neither dad nor Uncle Grant spoke.



“You erased mom to make a new family, make her – them feel like it was there home, but you destroyed my home in the process, I was the expense. Amelia can ask about her biological dad but when I asked you about mom, if Sarah is in the room you look for permission to tell me about her.” The truth spilling, but sorrowful feeling doesn’t leave me.



“The whole town talks about mom bad, the house, was my safe place daddy, but then you brought them in and she calls my mother a whore dad, she said that…”



Dad’s pensive expression doesn’t fade, “Oak, didn’t your dad ask you about Sarah and Amelia?” Uncle Grant questions, I pull my eyes from Dad and face him.



I suddenly feel heavy, exhausted, so I don’t nod, “Yes but he was happy, that’s what I saw… but I didn’t want him to be sad. I thought nothing would be changing but everything changed, it wasn’t right and I just… Mom is never coming back dad, I know that.” I shrug.



“So now… you did – hurt yourself – this to make me… what? Send them away? Or what next time you’ll hurt them?” my shoulders slump, at what he thinks.



My heart fractures once more.



“No… You’d hate me if I hurt them, like you hate mom, and you can’t live without them, I can’t live with them. You love them; I’m just a reminder of someone you want to forget. I can’t run away, I don’t have money. I wasn’t trying to hurt myself daddy, I was – I wanted to die. I wanted out,” his expression changes, forlorn. “I don’t want Sarah as a mother, I don’t want her as a friend or someone to take me shopping for girly things, I don’t want to bake with her,” I heaved my lungs empty.



“I don’t – you said she could be someone I look up too, talk about different things with, because a girl needs her momma. I got my period two months ago dad, I went to the school nurse, she told me what was happening. Then I went and used my allowance money to buy supplies… that happened and I didn’t need her!”



“You know I love you Bumblebee and I love them-”



The machine next to me beeps quicker, “I HATE THEM! I hate everything about them daddy but worst of all I hate everything about myself.”



“You tell Amelia that she’s the most beautiful girl in the world because she looks like her momma! You and everyone say how much Ben looks like you! I hate myself daddy, I hate my green eyes, I hate my nose, I hate my face, I hate my brown hair, I hate that I don’t look like them. I wanted to die so I wouldn’t have to see them! I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t wait for two more years so I could go away to school.”



“You promised that things would get better, when they settled in, but it hasn’t been better dad. Just worst-” I pant and the door slams open a nurse, my heart hammering in my chest, my hand resting against it, feeling it beat erratically and my lungs felt like they were being squeezed as tears fell.



“Mr. Lawson please leave the room,” the nurse does something to the IV and quickly welcomed darkness takes over.

.

.

.







Pat Lawson POV (Oakley’s father)





I stumbled out of Oakley’s room a broken man, tears in my eyes and Dr. Wagner, the hospital therapist, one of Grants co-workers comes out from the observation room, after watching that disaster occur with a grave expression.



Sarah rushes to me instantly, my other brother Marvin two steps behind her, “What happened is she okay?” Sarah cried, her eyes watery and red. I look into her brown eyes, and I see the worry there. I saw the love for Oakley there, but after what Oakley said it left me unsettled, my mistakes clear and I don’t want to hear them from that doctor.



“How about we take this into my office?” Dr. Wagner says, not wanting an audience, this is a small hospital, people talk, even though they aren’t supposed too.



“As you know, I specialize in various problem areas, one of which is blended families, like your own, except I’d have to say that there is very little blending going on. I don’t listen to rumors but have heard gossip nonetheless so I do know about your situation,” she waves her hand at Sarah and I.



She picks up this folded handout giving them to us, ‘Worst Mistakes Stepparents/Blended Families Make.’



“I’ll be honest, I think you’ve made all the mistakes listed there, and then some based on what I just heard from your daughter. Sarah, I know you genuinely care for Oakley, Ben and Pat, but how you handled all this Pat, was just wrong from the get go,” I avoid Grants eyes. He told me that years ago, six in fact and now that unused advice was biting me in the goddamn ass.



“You’ve both, along with maybe half this town have gone to the edge in isolating that poor girl. She didn’t try to harm herself Pat, she wanted and set out to kill herself. This was self- harm, but this wasn’t a behavior, it was an option to get out in her eyes. I’ll be blunt, six years of her feeling like this, of these mistakes… I don’t think Oakley and Sarah will have the type of relationship that you and Amelia have grown to have.”



“Oakley is a very bright girl-”



“What did she say?” Sarah asked interrupting Dr. Wagner, who looked to me for permission, “I have the video feed of what was said, I could play it so we are all the same page?” again leaving that up to me, I nodded.



It wasn’t much, 20 minutes but after the room was filled with tension like I’ve never felt before in my life…



“You guys might not want to hear this but I’m saying it, you made too many changes at once, yes you took time but you moved into her home Sarah and made changes drastically, which made you feel secure in your home, but that decreased her security in her safe place.”



I just nodded, “You went from single parenting to having a partner and changed rules on Oakley when Sarah came along which was something you should’ve done before Amelia and Sarah moved in.”



“You told her nothing would change, then that it would get better but it’s only gotten better for Ben, Amelia, Sarah and yourself.”



“Sarah, you love his-”



“No,” she shook her head vehemently, “They are all our children, I love them all, Oakley, Amelia and Ben,” I gave Dr. Wagner a tight smile.



“You love them all the same, but in the process of trying to make it your home, you and Pat, you’ve used your relationship with him to give slight ultimatums. You may not be aware of what you were doing but as a woman you wanted to make sure that if Norine came back, and tried to take her family, she’d see that you had taken her place and Pat you wanted Sarah to feel secure that if Norine came back you wouldn’t take her back, so you supported Sarah, while you should’ve been supporting Oakley.”



“Oakley doesn’t feel like a priority to you Pat, this wasn’t a cry for attention, this was a way of making you happy. You’ve put her mother down endlessly, and Sarah, you’ve been doing it where she has heard you do so, in her own home.”



“Pat, you’re entitled to your happiness, but as Grant said, you weren’t listening to Oakley. I know from what you’ve told me that there was no investigation for Norine because of how the home appeared, her things gone and packed the ring she left, but the only person that knows what happened is Oakley. And whatever happened, Oakley is one hundred percent sure that her mother won’t be coming back, she knows more than she’s saying Pat. Much more.”



I hunch over resting my elbows on my knees, hanging my head, but the doctor continues, “Oakley has no value for herself, she doesn’t even see herself in the same league as your other children, you were adults and so you set the pace of your relationship-”



“You moved Amelia and Sarah in quickly do you mind telling me why?”



“When I met Sarah and Amelia, they were having a bit of a rough time getting by, we lived in that big house, we were heading towards marriage as it was, Sarah couldn’t afford to keep their place so to save money she moved into the house,” I answered not regretting that decision a day in my life until today.



Dr. Wagner nodded, writing a few things down, “Did you know that Oakley begun menstruating?” she asked Sarah who shook her head; I could see the sadness there too. She wanted to show love to Oakley, but she just wasn’t accepting it.



More nodding, “You two have railroaded that poor girl, she said something very profound for such a young girl, Amelia wanted a father figure but she didn’t want that, she doesn’t want it, and she won’t want it. You took the pace of her accepting your new relationship into your own hands, and somehow she got left behind. She didn’t want it. You can’t go back and change your mistakes but moving into that home and making changes, erasing memories that weren’t yours to erase…”



“How bad is this? No… that’s a stupid question… what do we do to fix this?”



“I don’t believe you’re going to like this, but I’d recommend therapy for Oakley, as well as changing people from her environment. Giving her a chance that you didn’t give her when she was seven years old…” she says frankly with a matter-a-fact tone.



“No, we aren’t separating, we don’t want to do that…” Sarah says confidently, but then not, “Right Pat?” Dr. Wagner doesn’t give me a chance to answer.



“It’s not about what you want right now, it’s been six years of what you have wanted, and this is where we are because of that. She tried to take her life, do you know the hopelessness and desperation you have to feel for you to even attempt to take your life?” Wagner fiddles with the TV. Going back to when Grant and I begun talking, “Do you see that?” she pointed to Oakley, her eyes closed, and her body deflates, Wagner turns back to us, “That right there is disappointment, that she woke up, when she realized that she was still going to have to deal with Sarah and Amelia, with the taunts, with her life.”



“So we bend to her will? Separate our family because she does this? Isn’t that just setting precedence?”



“Again, Oakley wasn’t doing this for attention, she wanted to kill herself, she doesn’t expect you to for once, put her feelings forward, she wanted to die and if something in her life doesn’t change, she is going to try it again and this time she’ll make sure she succeeds…”



I glance at Marvin, he’s had choice words to say about my decisions but no one fought more than Grant, seeing the train wreck before it was one.



“Obviously we need to keep Oakley for a bit more, she’ll have daily therapy while here for a few days, but in terms of going home I think you guys are going to have a problem. Because she is a minor I had to speak with Amelia and Ben as well-”



“They get along fine,” I jumped in, Wagner nodded giving me a tight smile, “Yes but I think Oakley needs to be removed from the situation, Amelia, feels secure in the home, but would prefer that Oakley be nicer to her but had no other complaints…” I nodded.



“However… Ben, he doesn’t want to be separated from his sister,” I glanced at Sarah focusing on Wagner again, “From Oakley.” I thought he wouldn’t want to be separated from Amelia.



“He loves you and Amelia, Sarah but Oakley is the last piece of his birthmother and he doesn’t want to part with that or her,” her words left me reeling. I certainly never knew he felt this way about Norine, or that he saw Oakley as his last link.



“It has nothing to do with you and Amelia,” she directed to Sarah, “to Ben, since he was little he had Oakley, do you know that he asked her if it was okay to love you Sarah? He asked her if she would mind and she told him it’s okay that he loves you and Amelia…” I rest back stunned.



“He asked her if she thought Norine would come back… she told him that Norine wasn’t coming back, that she was sure of it-”



“Wait what?!” Grant and I said instantaneously.



“Yes, she told Ben it was okay,” the words broke me; I stood leaving Sarah on the sofa, resting against the wall, nodding for Wagner to continue.



“He loves you Sarah, and Amelia as I said before, but his loyalties’ – for lack of better word – lie with Oakley.”

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IF YOURE READING THIS AND HURTING, DON'T DO WHAT OAKLEY DID... there are places to call... 1 (800) 273-8255 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is just one of many... talk to someone...

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