A/N: Not Edited.

Someone asked how old the Lawson children are?

1. Oakley Savanna Lawson - 13 years old

2. Benjamin Trent Lawson - 11 years old

3. Amelia Mae Lawson - 14 years old

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Chapter 5 – Pat Lawson POV (November 19th 2014)

I was still stunned silent, reeling from Ben’s questions, but thankfully Wagner took over, “Ben, I’d like to ask your dad a few questions before we move on from this point… would that be okay with you?”



Amelia scoffed, Ben on the other hand, “We can talk about other things but I’m still going to live with Uncle Grant if Oakley is going to live there…”



Wagner nodded, “Okay then, you said that Oakley hates your mom and Amelia, how do you feel about them? You said you loved them right? Did it not make you mad when they made changes?”



Ben sighed like a grown adult in that moment, he shrugged, “it’s different I don’t remember things like Oakley I was still a baby but Oakley could remember lots of stuff about mom and since dad didn’t like to talk about her Oakley told me things.”



“What kind of things?” Wagner asked and I wanted to know the answer to that too.



“Well… she painted my room like trees because she didn’t want me or Oak to be afraid of the trees,” oh god. I dipped my head, remembering the quirky reasons Norine had given me when she was painting their bedroom walls.



With a small smile, Ben continued, “When she laughed, Oakley said she sounded like a cat meowing and she’d cover her face, but dad said she had a beautiful laughing face…”



“She could speak different languages too-”



“No she couldn’t…”



“Yes she could. That’s why Oakley took French at her school even though you and Sarah said she should take Spanish.”



“She even knew songs before then too.”



I’m still shaking my head, “How – why don’t you – I never hear you talking about your mom Ben…”



He tilts his head to the side for a minute, “I can’t remember when but it was before Mom and Amelia came to live with us, I asked Oakley why only she told me things about mom, she said that it makes you sad because you think she left. So only sometimes she would tell me things, even though some are the same things over and over again.”



“It doesn’t make you sad to hear about her?” Wagner asked carefully.



“No… Oakley said that mom really wanted me and she was happy to be our mom. I asked her where she went. Oakley said somewhere she can’t come back from, but the only place I know you can’t come back from is Heaven. So if she’s there, that’s okay. Since dad doesn’t like to talk about her because she’s there, Oakley does.” I stood up to my feet pacing, my mind not sure what was going on, I almost wanted to pinch myself to see if this was just some type of mind warped nightmare. Secret conversations about Norine? In Heaven? Can’t come back?



“Grant I need to speak to you outside,” I said stiffly, opening the door and leaving Sarah, Amelia, Ben and Wagner to continue to talk. I didn’t even wait to see if he followed me but I walked down the hall, just trying to get away from that room, my heart racing, my mind trying to keep up.



Hands on my head, trying to make sense, I stop and Grant says nothing, just rests against the damn wall waiting for something, “Oakley thinks her mother is dead,” I choked out, my heart actually hurting. In ten years Norine being dead wasn’t something I had even considered, “That – that’s impossible. She left. She left us Grant,” I was sure. “She left her ring on the table, she packed… her things. She left Oakley alone for hours!” I shouted, the nurses looking at me stilling before continuing with their work.



When he still said nothing after minutes I was getting antsy, “well fucking say something!”



He just sighed like Ben, “Like what? I’ve been telling you from day one to investigate what happened… it didn’t make sense that she would just leave Pat and it wasn’t that she just left it was a whole series of things that didn’t make sense to me. But you were hurting, Ben was just a little newborn, you were out of your mind in grief. Different people talking convinced you she left, but the signs just didn’t point to that.” He says trying to help me see but I don’t… it’s not… dead? My heart dropped.



“She left her ring. I put that on her and she never took it off… but she left that…”



He heaved, looking at me in pity, “So a ring that she never took off since you put it on-”



“Even when she was pregnant she wore it on a chain Grant, she left me that as a sign. We were having problems, you know I had been offered that job up in Virginia Beach, and she didn’t want to go to that big of a city…”



Grant just laughed, literally bent over and laughed, but it wasn’t in humor, cold and fake, “So your woman leaves a ring where you would find it, after not wanting to move to a larger city and your first guess is that she left you? And did what? Went to that same big city she didn’t want to go to?” he asks confusing me.



“If this was my Julia we were talking about, I wouldn’t handle it the way you did but you were her spouse the one person that could actually put forth effort to look for you but you were so far inside your own ass that you never did shit about it. You just became all focused in your work. Requesting more hours at the university claiming that you needed to the money to pay for child care since Norine was gone.”



“She was gone!” I shouted again and he just pushed me inside a room.



“Yeah but not the way you thought she was… not the way Oakley thinks she was. I told you… when you brought Sarah around… I told you that it didn’t make sense. It was like a switch in Oakley… she cried more, fused more and she was only a little girl still. Just seven years old after years of your just pushing your daughter and son aside, you just bring in some woman and her child and put them up on some sort of pedestal,” the bite in his words hitting me.



“Her man left her, with a child to boot and she stuck around for that child, something Norine didn’t do? Is that what it was? You found a woman that wouldn’t do the leaving? Pushing her on them kids?”



“We all stepped up, knew you were having a hard time but figured as Oakley grew older and Ben too, that you’d see what you were missing with them… Oakley was smart and I told you Grant! Told you for the things she can remember, the facts that girl can pick up and mention later in conversation at her age… no way she didn’t remember what happened that night.”



“I don’t remember Uncle Grant…” he said sadly, “Then when you finally do come around, start taking interest, its not because you realize you’ve got two wonderful kids that need you, its because you met a woman that was barely holding on.” He starts pointing out my faults, my mind still on Norine and Bens’ words.



“My own goddamn profession, you tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about… ‘Don’t you think you’re moving fast?’ remember I asked you that. Remember what you told me? ‘Oakley and Ben need a mother…’ They need a mother, what they needed was a father. At every turn, you cut that poor girl down, changed her whole world, and didn’t even consider what she was going through. Then… she openly told you she didn’t want Sarah and Amelia around-”



“I had already asked Sarah and Amelia to live with us, what did you want me to do?” I shout back.



“PUT OAKLEY AND BEN FIRST!” he shouts right back, “Protect your kids…” he said sadly and I know it’s killing him. I know what’s killing him.



“Do you know how bad I want kids? How badly Julia wants to have my kid but I can’t give that to her? And you have that… you have two beautiful children… and – and one hates herself enough to take her own life and the other one… you don’t even know how he feels about his own mother?” he waves his hand at me, shaking his head from side to side furiously.



“You had this wall put up… you think kids don’t realize situations they are in? That they don’t become resilient based on the feelings around them, especially Oakley? You were all Oakley had left; she wouldn’t bring up her mother because it hurt you to talk about Norine…”



“Do you know how pathetic Ben sounds right now and its because you did that to those kids… Oakley may be able to remember, you know she was – we had her tested and was told she was a gifted child. Especially when it came to her memory and speech, but she can’t remember too much about Norine. For all these years, she’s probably been telling that boy the same thing over and over again when you more than anyone would know about them but you just don’t?”



“Oakley – she tried to hold on even though she was miserable because of you and Ben. She told Ben it was okay to love Sarah and Amelia because she knew the truth, she knew how you felt. She’s a child. You’re the adult. You were supposed to be putting her first, instead you grieved for a woman that you thought walked away from you, then bring one in and what? You just let her walk all over Oakley’s mothers memory…”



“Oakley thinks that her mother died that night…” I whisper as I find something to sit on before I collapse.



“Yeah and while she thinks her mother is dead, the woman you brought into the house is walking all over her memory, calling Norine names and changing wall colors, throwing out all the things that Oakley had left. I’m not even going to mention the way you and Sarah treat those girls…” he snorted.



“I treat Amelia just fine…” I defended, I made mistakes with Oakley but…



Grant snorts loudly, “Right… you over do it with her, but make Oakley feel like dirt. Then the woman Oakley didn’t want is always bragging about her accomplishments, praising her smarts like she had something to do with it…”



He didn’t say anymore, the words already said hanging thick in the air, suffocating, “This isn’t… no amount of talking is going to fix the way Oakley feels about Sarah…” I say sadly, understanding. Finally. Six years too late. Grant doesn’t answer but his silence is answer enough.



“I care about them all. I made promises to Amelia and Sarah, but I love them just as I love Ben and Oakley Grant-”



“Good thing you have Oakley not asking you to pick,” Grant answers dryly across the room for me.



“Why do I feel like that had some type of double meaning?”



He just scoffs, “because maybe you’re head finally left that hole you had it in?” sarcasm. Great.



“Just spit it out.” I say.



“Oakley has given up Pat… you’re trying to hold things together for everyone but Ben is the one that has the right idea. He loves Sarah and Amelia, but Oakley… not even you are before her. I’m pretty sure if you offered to let him sleep in the bed next to Oakleys in her room, he’d take you up on that.”



“So what you’re saying is I should ask Sarah and Amelia to leave?” I swallow the lump in my throat.



“What so you can feel like the martyr? If what Oakley thinks is right… that Norine is dead… that means that for six years Sarah has been calling her dead mother a whore…” he rolls his eyes at me, “right…”



“How about you spend time with Oakley, genuinely spend time with her – without some ulterior motive.”



“While she’s with me – spend time with her, help her heal from the mind fuck you’ve put on her.”



My face I’m sure resembles the shock I feel from his words, “I’m not going to mince words for you Pat. Stop thinking about the whole situation, and focus on what Oakley said that first day, then the second. She loves you, but she hates Sarah more than she loves you. Days before that she said she hates Sarah, but she hates herself more than she hates Sarah. She hates, her eye color… her hair… her face – that she doesn’t look like someone you can love is all she didn’t say but the words were clear.”



My vision blurs, “Oakley’s beautiful, she always was… I just…” Oh god, I groan, my head falling in my hands.



“You fell in love with Norine Williams, Pat. You fell hard and deep for a woman that gave you two children. One your clone, the other – hers. You’re the parent; you do what you have to do for your child. You talk about Norine positively since that is whom Oakley identifies herself with; you talk about her even if it hurts you or Sarah to do so. You deal with that hurt privately but you put Oakley first,” He says but I don’t look up… a few minutes later I hear the door click and I know he’s left me alone with my thoughts. My mistakes.

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Oakley POV (November 19th 2014)

‘Loving someone so much, but they don’t see you clearly.’ That’s how I could describe daddy. He was all I had left, mom was gone but I was so tired of everything.



“I was thinking maybe Sarah and Amelia could go stay with her brother, then maybe you and Ben could stay at the house and we do all this right Bee?” he asked me after their family session before I could see Ben, "Or maybe we could try starting over?"



“You can’t rewrite history daddy. I'm happy to be going to Uncle Grants... you leaving Sarah won't make me stay in the house anymore, I don't want to me there anymore, too many bad memories daddy.”

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“I didn’t tell them everything… Are you mad I told them what you know about our mom?” Ben asked me, we only had twenty minutes before visiting time would be over. Both of us on my small bed huddled together.



“No… it was never meant to be a secret, I just never told because no one has asked me but you Ben,” I answered honestly.



He is sad and angry the voice in my head said like I didn’t know how to read my little brother. “You said you’d never leave me Bee… you don’t lie… but you were going to leave me,” his words hurt, but he wouldn’t understand just how much I wanted to get away. Memories and voices making me crazy. You aren’t going crazy… they’re giving you medication but you’re still hearing me aren’t you? The voice said taunting me.



No. I’m just trying to say you aren’t crazy Oakley, its normal for people like you to hear voices like mine… Ben might hear them too when he gets older…



“Things will be better with Uncle Grant and Aunt Julia, I don’t get to stay all the time but, I do some of the time,” he pulled away to eye me, he’s biting his lip unsure but questioning me, “Spit it out Benny,” I said joking.



“You do – do want me with you r-right?”



“Always Benny.”

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Pat Lawson POV (November 24th 2014)

I had finally worked up the nerve to enter Oakley’s room, wanting to clean the blood from – from when… I hadn’t wanted anyone to enter in here. The carpet – sage – was enhanced by the crimson pool that I should have known would set in after so long. With Ben and Amelia at school, Oakley still in the hospital but receiving therapy I was left alone in the house with Sarah, her mother and father who always stayed with our family from November 16th to after thanksgiving before traveling back to their home in South Carolina. The ammonia in the cleaners watering my eyes, I walk to the window looking over the backyard, opened the cool air brushing past me and was in the same position Oakley encountered.



Below me, “Maybe you and Amelia should go stay with your brother and his family while this cools down,” Dave – Sarah’s father – says, “Let the man concentrate on his daughter for a while.”



Someone clicks their tongue, it’s light but still hearable from my spot in Oakley’s room, “He adopted Amelia and Sarah is his wife, if you ask me-”



“But no one asked you mom…” Sarah says softly, “What’s going on is something – a problem Pat and I made together. I’m not going to abandon him when he needs support most, not like…” she doesn’t finish the sentence but my heart thuds heavily, I have to swallow the emotion I can’t identify. The closest I’ve felt to it is being on an elevator, and for a few moments you experience that tilting and tipping sensation right before it goes back to normal.



“No one is comparing you to that woman – lord only knows what her leaving did to them-”



Even from up here it’s a tense moment, “That’s just it though, Pat is starting to think that Norine didn’t just leave that maybe something happened to her,” I hear the insecurity in her voice.



“So now he’s looking for the mother of his children? And you’re just supposed to do what...?? Twiddle your thumbs?”



“No… I’m honestly torn in between, on the one hand I’m hoping she’s like Oakley believes because I’m not sure what it would do it her now if it turned out that her mom really did just leave. And I’m hoping to find her alive because my family is falling apart and I’ve spent years talking ill of a dead woman around her grieving daughter no less…”



“Have you seen Oakley?” Dave questions.



“No she doesn’t want to see Amelia and I-”



“See that’s another thing… kids making the decisions,” I hear the reproach from Sarah’s mother.



No one speaks for a while until Sarah does, “I’m not worried about my relationship with Pat, I know he loves me, but I also know that love is costing him a whole lot because Ben doesn’t want to be separated from Oakley and is going to be staying three nights here and four nights at Grant’s place with Oakley…”



“But?” Dave asks.



I hear a sniffle and I know Sarah’s crying, “She really doesn’t like me or want any type of relationship with me, in her eyes I’ve made too many mistakes. I – I used to think the reason she didn’t want me to adopt her was because she thought her mom would come back and she wanted to seem loyal but it turns out she has always knew or thought her mom wouldn’t come back. Her decision was solely based on not wanting a thing to do with me, not wanting to be my daughter, not taking love offered because it was me offering it,” I hang my head back. I knew she was feeling something about this situation, and I hated finding out like this but still.



My phone buzzes, “Hello,” I answer moving away from the window, leaving Oakley’s room, “Mr. Lawson, this is The Hill School calling about your son Benjamin Lawson…”

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