a/n: NOT EDITED. So hopefully you guys see why this chapter took a bit longer to write... enjoy.

Chapter 50 - Oakley POV

Back in Middleburg, dad had sent me to see some head doctor, said it would help with my 'problems' with Sarah and Amelia, help us be a better 'blended family.' I'm not quite sure what the point of that guy was, it seemed like all he ever did was take what Dad and Sarah said at home, and brought it into his office.



Same noise, different location but again, dad didn't see it that way. I'm not really sure ho Ben managed to never truly be in the middle. I guess now, sitting here I could see that even when he was calling Sarah mom, he had always been on my side.



'There are no sides Bumblebee,' I remembered daddy saying as I swung on the hammock on the porch. Not quite reading to head inside just yet, after leaving Kayla's for dinner. I actually liked her she had this calm about her that settled Ben... he was always so loud and angry but again, I don't think I saw that back home either. It's only now when I think back and see things a bit clearer I notice how lonely he must have been. I was a kid, but once our dad brought Sarah around and she took over everything I waited for daddy to come back to me. When he didn't, I noticed that the only way I was ever going to get away from Sarah and Amelia was if I made myself busier than ever.



It wasn't all that hard, I didn't have friends, so I studied, read everything I could, soaked up random facts and anything else that I found interesting. Before I knew it, I was bored in my regular classes, and able to skip a few when the opportunity rose depending on the subject.



I might not have had daddy, but I could've had more time with Ben, yet... I only saw that now.



The door behind me slides against the rails and I can already catch aunt Julia's scent the minute she slid it open, the raspberry scent stronger each day her belly grew, "How you doing?" she asked pointing to the spot next to me, waiting for my nod and legs to drop so the rocking halted and she could make herself next to me.



Sighing, "I'm okay... just not ready for bed yet," I murmured.



"You okay?" I nodded in the darkness, "I think the only thing here that's sorta like back home," I started, "are the stars... I mean we could see them bright and everything back home. But here... it's like we can see more of them," I didn't want to talk about Kieran. I was worried, my belly hurt and my chest ached when I thought of him not wanting to be around me anymore, but Uncle Grant said that I shouldn't push him.



"Yeah... the stars are really beautiful here, it's quite at night and so still..." curling my body I laid my head on her shoulder.



"You don't have to hold all your feelings inside Oakley," she said after minutes of silence and my heavy sighs. Shrugging my shoulders I didn't pull away, there was no point, in that or in trying to make Kieran see me when he didn't want too.



"I just - I wish I knew what I did-"



I could feel her body stiffen, and she leaned away from me forcing me to look at her. "You did nothing wrong... and can I be very honest with you?" I nodded.



Looking up for a moment, I could see her trying to think, it was the face she wore when she wanted to word something right, or make sure she thought of all angles before speaking. And to me, I actually appreciated when she did this, and even though I wished she'd hurry up and tell me, I knew that she was trying to find a way to explain it in a way that I understood. Something she had been doing since back home. To me, it brought a bit of comfort as well, she wasn't just being the type of adult that said something like 'because I said so,' or 'you're too young to understand.'



She was finding the words, the examples to make me understand, and even then she didn't just force it down my throat.



"Even though it was nice to see Kieran hanging around with you, I - there was a small part of me that knew that he would maybe pull back from wanting to be around everyone," aunt Julia said.



"Really?"



She nodded, "yes, not because you or anyone else did something wrong in the short time came around, but because sometimes things just don't click the first time. You remember when we took you to see that trapeze show?"



"Last summer? Yeah," I remembered going, but just as much as the memory of why I needed to just get out of the house. Away from Dad and Sarah.



Dad canceling on my chaperone school trip, because Amelia had the stomach flu and she didn't want him to go, then offering to let Sarah go with me. Shaking my head I pushed that memory away concentrating on what Aunt Julia was saying.



"Okay you remember how the flyer and the catcher were preparing for the Hocks-Style knee hang, the first trick you saw them do?" she asked, and I could remember, "the catcher had to wait for the swinger to get their legs up, swing out from the platform, hook their legs on the outside of their hands so that when the catcher swung and took the flyers wrist, the flyer would let their feet fall away from the bar," I said excitedly recalling trying it out with uncle Grant.



"Ok you remember when you swung out and instead of on the second swing taking your uncles hands you just weren't ready?"



Of course, I could still remember my heart racing and not moving fast enough to be ready, "Because I was in the wrong position and the instructor said instead of grabbing his hands that I should just let myself fall down or swing back towards the platform," she smiled.



"Yes... well... you are the catcher but Kieran, he's the flyer... What I'm trying to say is you didn't do anything wrong, but Kieran he wasn't in the right place for himself to accept your friendship fully," I chewed on my lip thinking over what she was saying.



"And if you try to finish the trick when the catcher or flyer aren't ready both of them get hurt?" I asked in a small voice, my bottom lip trembling.



She nodded sympathetically, and I understood her like I knew I would, but still hurt.



"Do you remember anything else the instructors told you?" she asked pushing her feet against the ground making us rock a bit. Cuddling back against her I nodded, "It's about trust, you have to trust your movements and trust that the catcher won't miss the connection."



"Good girl, what else?"



Sighing, "Trust again, but this time the Catcher needs to have it, in themselves..." I whispered listening to her heartbeat as well as the babys, the slight echo a bit louder now. Wrapping a skinny arm around my shoulder I settled really thinking now, trying to apply what she said to Kieran and I. Resting my hand on top of each other palm up I remembered Kieran dragging his rough finger from my palm to the end of my finger. His heart racing and so much fear in his eyes, 'it didn't hurt.' He whispered which was confusing, of course it wouldn't hurt and I had told him so.



But he thought it would hurt.



He thought he wasn't good and that it was better to stay away from him.



Kieran thought he wasn't normal, and that he wasn't worth it. I thought of the tattoo R43 on his arm, the healed cuts, on his arms, a few on his face, neck, legs and so many that started on his arm, near his shoulder and would curl towards his back. Some raised and bumpy while others just left a mark that was a bit darker than his regular skin tone.



"He - Kieran doesn't trust me and he doesn't trust himself?" I asked pulling away lifting my head to look aunt Julia in the face. Again she had that small sad smile on her face, as she nodded and the wind around us picked up. Nodding to myself I dropped my head down to her slightly curved belly, "hey baby it's okay you can stop with the wind..." my head snapping back up when aunt Julia sobbed above me, her body jerking in the hammock.



"What - what happened - are you okay?" I placed one foot on the patio stopping the rocking and my eyes darting frantically from her belly to her face.



Only she wasn't crying, well there were tears but she had the biggest smile I've ever seen on her face, "You - your - Grant - he - he talks to the ba - baby too," she sobbed happily, bringing her hands up to fan her face, which I wasn't sure why she would need to when my hair blew around my face with the magic wind the baby created whenever she was emotional.



"Should I go get uncle Grant?" I offered pushing the hair from my face as her crying turned to giggles.



"No - no," she shook her head, sighing, small body jerks still occurring but the smile was lighting up her face. Pulling to her for a hug, she squeezed with all her might, which was getting a bit stronger now that she was channeling the babies strength. Julia leaned her head on top of mine, "I know you hold nothing against your uncle and I, but I - Oakley, you have no idea just how you've opened our eyes to just how much you were able to grasp back home. The effort and attention you must have been putting forth - I mean... I loved your uncle regardless of never having this experience... my mom had told me that I didn't know what I was giving up, but I did."



The breeze calmed again as her heart beat stabilized to an easy calm pace, "The thing was, I knew what type of love I would be giving up on if I decided not to continue my relationship with him."



Bringing my leg up, I curled it against my other just listening to Julia, closing my eyes, "A lot of people... they have these standards of what they want which is good... but sometimes you get some of what you wanted and some of what you needed."



"That's what you found in uncle Grant?" I murmured.



A slight puff of air hit the top of my head, I knew she was smiling without even looking, "Yes... he told me almost right away... putting my feelings first showing me how selfless he was. He told me, before our feelings got any deeper, he wanted me to know the truth," she released a breathy chuckle.



"He could've been selfish, hiding it from me, and when I went home, thought about just how terrifying it must have been to put himself out there like that," I nodded.



"You chose him anyways," a smile on my own face.



"Oh yes... but I couldn't let anyone else make that choice for me Oakley, I had to know what I was willing to look the other way for. But while I was doing that do you know what else pushed me to call him to continue?"



Listening out, I could hear the window above the patio in their room open, not loud enough for aunt Julia to hear, but I knew it was uncle Grant.



"I could see your uncles own hurt by the cards he was dealt... it was like he had this guilt and shame over something he wasn't at fault for... and then... it hit me. I hated that pain I could see he felt, I wanted to do something, anything to show him that he didn't need to be those things. Not with me."



My eyes welled, and my chest felt heavy, I released a shaky breath but aunt Juju just tightened her arm around my shoulder.



"When my sisters were having their own children, or others were giddy over that experience, I won't say I'm so cold that it didn't ache inside, I did. But I wouldn't trade the love I share with your uncle... at first it was hard, but eventually I learned to know how I felt, as well as be supportive of those around me experiencing what I wouldn't."



"But I saw you," I whispered, bringing up the memory. I couldn't quite read her face but it resembled, longing. "Yes... and that's what I'm talking about... okay, that small moment, you saw me. You noticed something I know was fleeting, and you saw it for what it was."



Biting on my bottom lip, I tried to clear my head, I couldn't - I didn't want to cry but with so much rolling around, I was losing the battle slowly.



"I can't begin to even process the things I know that you analyzed in that mind of yours, the events, the small moments that you've witness and have held inside you..." taking a deep breath I felt it all the way to my belly.



I didn't respond, but she was right there were many things warring inside my head right now, but I don't think she could even begin to know now what was eating away at my heart, at my control. Swallowing, I reluctantly pulled away, standing, and looking away, fixing my face, before turning to my aunt, "I think I'm gonna head to my room now," I said nodding.



Julia's eyes danced as she examined my face and I gave her a half smile for reassurance, anything more and it would have been a grimace.



"Okay sleep well," I nodded making a dash for it, flying up the stairs and into my room.



Sitting on my desk chair I grabbed the journal and my hand hovered over the pen, until I swallowed and picked it up.



Dear daddy,



I just had a really nice talk with Aunt Julia, it - I stopped not having any order in my thoughts at the moment. Sighing I put the pen down, wrapping my hands around myself tightly catching my breath... until I was a bit calmer in the head.



Dear daddy,



I'm trying to remember the last time you wrapped me in your arms, and I felt safe or really truly loved. Because while I can't really remember that time I remember feeling like wanting that love from anyone but Ben was something I couldn't get. I could hug Ben, without there being some sort of look shared between you and Sarah. A look that felt like you were telling her, 'she's coming around Sarah, and soon she'll come around to you.'



Until each embrace felt like nerve-racking moments, where there was an unspoken price I couldn't and WOULDN'T pay daddy.



Writing that I blinked away the tears.



That's all I had to say right now about that but I always wanted to tell you, that even though I could've asked Chelsea to bring you here and I'm sure she would. I won't do that, because I know that you wouldn't come without the rest. So instead, I'll just remind you, that while you're angry that, YOU LEFT ME FIRST.



Love,



BumbleBee.



.



.



.



Kieran POV



All night long, after Grant left I continued between pacing, sitting on the couch and my bed. I couldn't understand, he seemed to not mind that Oakley wanted to be around me. In fact I had been the one that sent her away, because - because...



Shaking my head I wasn't going to go there.



"Kieran," Nona called from outside of my door not entering, startled me.



"Can you open the door?"



I was stuck I didn't want too, but I had to open it. I didn't know what would happen if I hadn't opened the door. So wiping my face furiously I opened and saw Nona holding a tray, a nice smile on her face, a bit of worry in her eyes as she met mine.



Not turning away, she took a step forward, "I thought you'd like some lunch, I know that you missed meals yesterday and this morning," she entered putting the tray on my desk, lifting the cover she revealed a bowl of soup and a sandwich.



"You can just bring the tray down when you're finished," Nona smiled softly, "Maybe you should take a nap, you must be exhausted," she said softly before she just left the room, closing the door behind her leaving me standing in my place.



Now they were bringing me food? What?



Staring at the food, my stomach griped loudly, but I was till hesitant to eat the food she prepared, I didn't think she would hurt me or give me anything that would make me sick, but you couldn't trust people these days.



Grant saying that I was abused, and not punished.



Chelsea apologizing when clearly I bumped into her.



Attending a sleepover.



Oakley touching me, and me letting her, and she giving me permission to touch her.



Chelsea giving me this room with no strings attached that I could see or have yet to realize.



Carla looking for me.



But nothing, none of those things were worse than how I felt right now. The ache in my chest that missed Oakley, but that was just what I had to handle, to keep her safe.



No one wants to hurt you here Kieran, Nyx said after being silent most of the night and morning which I was thankful I needed to sort the mess out in my head and he was already taking everyone's side but my own. From the corner of my eye, something moved catching my attention, and when I gave it a second look, I saw Chelsea outside with Ava, her daughter. Chasing the little girl around, grabbing her and jumping feet first into the pool going underneath briefly before coming up for air, both with matching identical smiles.



Watching them, my heart ached and my troublesome, rebelling mind wondered if I had that type of moment with my - with Carla. Pushing that away, not wanting to dwell on what I didn't remember anyways, I moved from the window, and sat in front of the tray of food. Deconstructing her sandwich, to make sure it was safe, I quickly put it back together, chewing slowly as the mustard - tangy - hit my taste-buds. Closing my eyes, I continued to eat, sighing as that clawing feeling in my belly slowly went away, until the last bite was broken down so slowly, I could've fell asleep sitting in my chair.



Not wanting to run into anyone, I put the cover back on the tray and close the window blinds to keep the sun out so I could just rest my eyes for a minute. Crawling under the light bed sheet and thinking for just a moment, of how soft this bed was compared to the cot I slept on for years, and the cave as well.



Unsure of the time, when someone was knocking, I tried tuning it out, but again they knocked, "Kieran, it's Grant... you feel up for..." he asked but I was already out before he could even finish that sentence again. Stretching myself out, my bones popped and cracked as made way to leave the bed. Fixing the pillows and sheet to make it look as though I hadn't slept in it at all. The tray where I left it, but oddly the sun was still out, despite feeling like I had slept for much longer than a few minutes.



Knowing that I didn't want to hurt Nona's feelings for not eating her soup, I carried the still full bowl to my bathroom, emptying the contents to the toilet, flushing and carrying the tray down.



"Good afternoon Kieran," Nona greeted me again in the kitchen, "Oh you brought the tray down, I was just coming to bring you another," she pointed to another tray with her chin.



"You were exhausted, I didn't think we should wake you for dinner last night-" my eyes widened and the tray in my hands shook.



"I slept through the night?" I blurted out looking at the covered tray wondering if she had put something in the sandwich and I had somehow missed it.



Nodding slowly she confirmed the never happened before event, "Grant came to talk to you, but you didn't answer. I remembered that but surely I didn't sleep through the night and morning.



"Don't look so worried," she said and instantly I made my face blank, "You were exhausted, I could see your face and we just want you at your best," she said going around until she reached for the tray, heading to the sink to wash my dirty dishes. "You can take the tray of food and eat your lunch here, no one minds, or head back to your room," she said not turning around to face me. And with the option to go to my room, I pick up the new tray and head there.



.



.



.



Again I do a repeat of the day before, but instead of sleeping past morning, I woke up and went to the gym. Later, "how are you feeling?" Grant asked when I opened the door for him around six in the afternoon, still shocked that he had come back.



"I - I - fine?" I stammered.



"Good - good, can I come in?" he asked waiting for my answer.



Stepping aside he went to the same spot he had days before.



"I came by yesterday but you were sleeping," he informs me but I already know so I just nod, not sure what to say.



"So did you give any thought to my question?" he examines my face much like Nona had.



Giving a slight up and down movement, "yes," I say warily.



But he just smiles, "Oh that's good what did you come up with?"



My shoulders hunched, I look away, hating that I was going to have to assent, "I don't think Oakley or anyone should be punished the way I was."



He nods for a minute, pursing his lips, as though I had more to say, but I just stare back at him, blankly.



"So are you not one of those anyone's you mentioned?" my face going from blank to annoyed instantly. I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of even answering that question.



Because you're wrong, Nyx thought.



"Okay ... we can come back to that question again..." he relented.



"Do you know the difference between punishment and being abused Kieran?" or not.



I wasn't going to answer that either, it was like Grant was trying to trick me with word play because he knew I wasn't smart.



"Well... punishment is when you impose or inflict something as a penalty and abuse, while there are many forms is when someone uses improper treatment as well as authority to unfairly exercise their will on someone else. Sometimes it's to gain what they want, or other times it - there are no reasons as to why they hurt the individual that they did, only that it was done."



The blank expression back in place I tried to take apart what he was saying piece by piece, but it all got muddied.



"Do you know where punishment turns into abuse?"



I shook my head, wanting to know but at the same time, afraid of his answer.



"When you are doing physical, mental or emotional harm to another person. When punishments don't reflect the crime. When someone inflicts pain, for - for nothing."



"I didn't do nothing, I always made a mistake though." I whispered, not sure why he wanted me to say the words a loud, it was bad enough to know inside my head that I made mistakes.



He waited before speaking, just giving me a moment to relax again.



"Can you tell me one thing, from your old life that you were punished for?"



I scrunched my brows together, was this some sort of trick? Tell him so that it would be something that people looked out for here? Nyx just sighed in my head.



When I didn't answer, Grant looked around the room, his eyes roaming. I didn't have much that he could take away, just my blanket and the painting of Oakley, the Luna made me. He couldn't do - I was thinking he couldn't hurt me with anything in the room, but then his eyes danced around the bed and my body stiffened.



"Did you sleep in the bed?"



Nodding slowly. I braced myself for whatever was going to happen, I wouldn't run. Running never went well.



"How about you and I switch places?" Grant said confusing me, but standing he waved his hand so I would sit on the sofa.



Moving away from him, I edged over to it, sitting with my back straight and instead of him coming to me, he gave me his back and ripped the bed sheets from the bed, and threw them onto the floor. Using his knee he pushed the bed from its box, and my heart quickened and my stomach turned. What the hell is he doing? I shouted in my head, my eyes darting from the door to the bed and the mess he just made in the room Chelsea gave me. My hands trembled at my side, but he just went to the wall resting against it, "Gabriel, Chelsea!" he called aloud and I could feel my stomach drop, flip and jump as my heart raced, hammering in my chest.



"I'm calling them in my mind, as well," he shot me a smile and I was official on edge, when the knock came on the door, it was partially drowned out by my own crazily thumping heart.



When the knob turned slightly, I jumped to my feet, my body shutting down on me, I had no way of escaping now, someone would be my the door to enter, Grant was near the bathroom and the windows were bullet proof Gabriel had mentioned.



Eyes wide and unable to even blink, both Chelsea and Gabriel entered the room, smiles on their faces, and in a haze I watched as they let their eyes survey the room, then focused their attention on Grant.



"What's up?" they asked further baffling me. They could see the room was wrecked, my bed wasn't made and the bed, he had pushed it.



"Oh well, I thought maybe I could see if you guys could get Kieran some carving supplies, I mean he made those excellent frames for Julia and I," Grant spoke freely and my eyes were darting back and forth as they conversed.



"Oh yeah... would you like that Kieran? Maybe you could make some for the canvas paintings I have..." Chelsea said waiting for something, "If you'd like? I'd of course compensate you for your efforts," she added smiling Oakley's smile and in that moment, I wished more than I had ever wished anything in all my life that she was here with me.



'Take my hand Kieran, I swear... I promise... I won't let go.'



Unable to even speak, Chelsea just smiled, "I'll see to it that you have those supplies soon Kieran," she said, her hand in Gabriel's they both turned around and left the room. Reaching with shaky hands I plopped down to the sofa, and as though nothing happened - because nothing happened - Grant went about making my bed the way it was before he messed it up, putting everything in its place where I had it.



How I found it.



Sitting on the edge of my bed facing me, Grant lifted a brow at me, but remained silent.



He looked away for a bit, rolling his shoulders, just as he was doing so, someone knocked startling me and Chelsea peeped her head inside, carrying a laptop opened in her arms.



"Hey, so I went online to see what type of instruments or well tools there were, and these are the two I found," she lowered the laptop to the desk, turning the screen to face me.



Showing me one set with red handles and another with a plain black, "which one?" Chelsea asked nicely, waiting for an answer as my eyes danced to the screen to her and then back.



"Black," my voice no more than a breathy whisper, but Chelsea nods a great big smile on her face, "ok then," she picked the device up and left the room, the door closing behind her.



"I have three more questions for you, Kieran." Grant said after what felt like forever, again waiting for me to respond. Begrudgingly I give him a slight nod.



"First, when you bumped into someone, or left your area in the facilities messy what happened?"



My eyes widened, and my face heated, a low growl in my chest was fighting its way out. He wanted me to tell him what happened? Weren't the scars on my body enough?



With pursed lips he stretched his long legs in front of him, "so I'm going to say that you were punished for those things, by an adult, someone in charge that should know better than a child... I'm not expecting you to agree with me though."



Good, cause I wasn't going too, I sneered in my mind.



Right... where it counts, Nyx thought.



"The second question I'm going to leave you with is this, do you believe you've changed?" I started blankly, my mind warring between just moving my head from side to side for an inch, and not. "Are you a different person than the little boy that was punished?" he clarified then I shifted my head no more than two or three hairlines and Grant nodded.



"Final question, why is it that Chelsea who is the highest authority when it comes to all shifters, on this island and soon everywhere else, came into this room, when it was messy and didn't punish you for that? I mean, if anyone should be giving out punishments as you call them, wouldn't it be her?" he cocked his head to the side like he was actually thinking about it.



Standing after some time, while I just sat in my spot fully dazed, Grant took two things from his pockets.



"You think about those questions for a little while, we'll talk again later." I nodded woodenly, hating this confusion in my head.



Blinking held my muscles tight to the point where I was nearly shaking with the effort, "Oakley gave me these two things for you, ones a note and this is a recorder," he placed the note and the recorder on the table next to me.



She wrote me a note knowing I couldn't read? I scrunched my face up. Then my thoughts caught up to the device next to the piece of paper, a recorder. Maybe she taped herself reading so I could listen, I thought a bit uneasy in my stomach, but it wasn't unpleasant.



Until it was, why would she do something nice like that when I sent her away, my shoulders hunched down.



"Do you want - would you like for me to read the note?" Grant asked and I was ashamed to say that it startled me. Consumed in my thoughts, I believed he had left.



Glancing at him and the paper, I wondered if Oakley wanted him to know what it said, but that just led me back to wondering how she thought I'd figure out what it says.



Nodding I pushed it back towards him, moving my hand away before we could touch.



Opening the paper he began reading.



"Dear Mountain King," I looked down smiling at my thighs, "I'm sorry that I told you to ask Carla if she looked for you or not. I don't think you're bad or not worth being my friend or my mate,' she underlined the words mate and put them in capital letters," Grant said turning the paper towards me, and pointing it out.



Bringing it back to him he continued, "I'm not sure if I did something wrong but if I did, I'm sorry and I hope that you'll want to talk to me soon. I know I said that I would never stay away but since you told me to, I don't want to go against what you do not want, because I promised that too."



'Take my hand Kieran, I swear... I promise... I won't let go.' But I made her break her promise to keep another.



"Even though you sent me away, I still want to be your friend and your mate, so please don't forget that.... Oakley."



He paused, "P.S. I recorded four of the chapters of the books I was reading with you, so you could listen."



My eyes went to the black device, though it held my attention, this time when I believed Grant left, I heard the door click close behind him.

_________________

I know some people want a quick fix but that just doesn't seem like something that would be easy to swallow. I mean I've had those types of books where I'm there and then bam its like instant happiness. That won't be happening here... anywho... trapeze video is of what Julia and Oakley are talking about.

so... uhm... vote, comment and share, until next time,

roxann.

© 2015 new_season All Rights Reserved