A/N: NOT EDITED, i know many people are having trouble seeing chapters... words are disappearing... and it jumps and its all weird and wonky... If you're using the new interface that is when it seems to be happening. Even when I repost... it still happens... I'm not sure why but someone commented on this so I'm just going to post their response: you have four choices: exit wattpad and sign back in make sure you have current wattpad version, remove and add back book, email wattpad with your issue (they are nice), or live with missing words ( i lasted one day wondering what i missed). goodluck.

SOMEONE ASKED: hey are u not well or something ? Or u are busy I guess anyways just wanted to say upload soon have been waiting for it :)

Okay so yeah I went M.I.A for a bit but it was because my mom made pistachio pudding four days ago. So she put pinapples in there and everything. Anyways, guess what I learned? I'm allergic to pineapples. I broke out in hives, on my neck and hands/arms. I drank Benadryl that we had in the house - because my mom said I should - and went to the E.R because my throat was swelling and it just... it wasn't good.

THEN, because that alone wasn't enough, the hives on my arm got infected or something, because when I finally got home I continued scratching at it like I just couldn't stop! So it formed some kind of like bump and I had to go back to the hospital again so they could drain it (yuck) and then they gave me a Rx that seriously makes me want to sleep endlessly.

So yeah... Happy Easter (to those that recognize it), I'm going back to sleep because I just took a dose and my eyes are drooping, ready to sleep...

Enjoy.

Chapter 50.5 – Kieran POV

‘You don’t have to be alone,’ Nona had whispered the words on her way out of my assigned room. And this was just one of the many things that were new and confusing to me.



And if that wasn’t enough, things further baffling? Grant and his many questions. He and everyone else were throwing me off track especially when I knew the truth. I knew who I was, and what I’ve done. Then, now, here they all were trying to trick me, confuse me and me see things that weren’t all the truth but there was a tiny problem that I just couldn’t do. Bring myself to tell them the truth.



They already know Kieran, Chelsea and Gabriel can read your mind, if they were going to hurt you, don’t you think that they would’ve done it by now? Nyx asked.



Maybe they aren’t punishing me for the things I had done before, but now – no! Your room was messed up; don’t you remember how they reacted? They didn’t say anything, they didn’t focus on it Kieran!



‘Are you one of those people that shouldn’t get punished in that way?’ Grant asked me before, trying to get me to see things his way – tell him what you did that you think was so wrong Kieran, tell him. Open your mouth, and tell him what you did! After? Tell him the truth, Nyx growled.



And I was already shaking my head, it’s not fair Kieran, he continued, you want him to form his own opinion of you? Well that is how! You tell him what you think you’ve done wrong, and let him decide for himself.



‘You don’t have to be alone,’ Nona didn’t know what she was talking about; I deserved to be more than just left alone. I’d never be like everyone else here; I’d always be the ugly spot in a beautiful place. But maybe Nyx had a point.



Maybe if everyone knew just how defective I truly was, they’d see things correctly, see things as Connor had. He was the one that hurt me, but maybe he knew the truth, maybe he was the one that had seen things correctly in the first place.



They why did Chelsea take away his wolf if he was the one that had the correct attitude towards you? Nyx countered. I mean Kieran are you saying that the Luna was wrong? My eyes widened in fear, you shouldn’t think those things,I replied.



My stomach was rolling, nearing six in the afternoon, I knew that Grant would be coming by once again, he just never seemed to give up, because he wants to help you, Nyx thought but I just continued to walk, pace in my room. By the third circuit the carving tools Chelsea had given me were just taunting and puzzling me further. Not only had she purchased the set I saw and wanted, she added another wooden case set with eighty pieces, and another machine that carvers used. “You made beautiful frames Kieran, you should have the tools so you can continue to do so if you should want to continue,” she said with a smile.



Yet you haven’t touched them? Because I didn’t want to get used to having them, incase she took them away.



They’re yours… like the picture of Oakley… has she taken that away?



It’s different.



How?



Throwing myself onto my couch I ignored Nyx, he wasn’t on my side anymore, since everyone came he just agreed with them when before I knew I had him so I wouldn’t be alone.



But you were alone, I’m not someone that can hold your hand like Oakley did Kieran, he told me before quieting down.



Just as expected, a few moments later a knock pulled me from my thoughts, opening the door, Grant smiled brightly at me, “How are you today?” he asked after I let him in, sitting on the desk chair leaving me the sofa.



Sitting my muscles tense, “Oh wow, Chelsea went all out for you huh?” he pointed looking over all the tools on the table, “Then again, you’re talented with little tools, the designs you’ll be able to make now…” he continued. I just couldn’t understand why he kept on coming back, because he wants to help.



I can’t be fixed, I replied.



“So… what did you do today?”



I shrugged, “I – I listened to the recording Oakley made me,” I said my face heating.



“What else?” he continued not reacting in any way, just giving him a nice smile.



“Nothing else…” no one really wanted to be around me, the only friend I have – had – was Oakley and I had to get rid of her.



“So did you think about those questions I asked?”



I nodded, “But I don’t want to talk about that,” I said right off the bat surprising myself.



“Okay… what would you like to talk about?” he said resting back, one hand on his stomach, his elbow on my desk, just waiting.



Was it safe?



“You said I pushed Oakley away?”



“No, I didn’t say that, you did that. I’m just reiterating what you did verbally,” he said cocking his head to the side, his blue eyes focused on me… and while I couldn’t read the look on his face, I did not see a sneer, or coldness.



“You didn’t – you – no one seemed to mind that she wanted to be around me…” I blurted out the words not planned. My hands sweating, cold, I waited.



“That’s not a question,” he said again waiting.



I nodded, swallowing, it wasn’t a question, “Why – I mean – why?”



Taking pity on me, he nodded sighing, “You don’t seem like the type to hurt her, I don’t think you would hurt Oakley purposely,” he answered.



“But you don’t know me,” I muttered. I could hurt her; the white coats thought I would be able to hurt someone.



He nodded, finally Grant was agreeing with me, “You’re right, I don’t know you, but I do know Oakley…”



“What-” I started to ask but then I just shut my mouth.



Grant chuckled, “Oakley wouldn’t stay around someone that was hurting her, she didn’t do it back in Middleburg and I don’t think she would start doing it now,” he snorted, but that statement just made my mind go wild.



“Oakley had her own white coats back in Middleburg? She didn’t mention that… only some woman named Sarah and Amelia… no white coats.” She also didn’t have any scars on her body, I had seen her in a swimsuit and shorts, and no marks only smooth creamy skin.



“I have a few questions,” he said, and I was beginning to think that this was his favorite thing to say.



“Oakley told you about Sarah and Amelia?” I nodded hoping he wouldn’t ask me exactly what she said.



“Do you know that I asked her endlessly when we were back there, and she never opened up… she just gave up, left the house as much as she could staying away from Sarah and Amelia.” He wasn’t asking me anything but; then again, I had remembered Oakley telling me just that.



“What I’m getting at is, Oakley trusted you Kieran… she doesn’t trust easily, but she opened up her mind and feelings to you. She respected and felt safe to speak to you about something so private to her.”



I nodded, not sure where he was going with this.



“It’s hard, sometimes… to trust someone with things that are inside you, you get worried that they will look at you differently. That they will judge you, but it’s more than them judging you... It’s all the negative things you think of yourself, it’s that person agreeing with you, validating all the negative things you believe in that really is hard.” My mouth went dry.



“And so… before that person can push you away, you push them away first. You hold them far enough so that you never have to put yourself on the line, you never have to hear them confirm what you think of yourself.”



My heart started beating quickly the more he spoke to me.



“Because its one thing to think negative things about yourself, but it’s a whole other thing to have someone else say it. Even though you believe it, it just seems to hurt so much more when someone else is verifying your belief.”



“And sometimes… sometimes we push people away so they don’t find out the dirty truth,” he did some things with his hands, two fingers on each hand up, he flexed them down.



“You don’t want them to find out the person you think you are… you don’t want to feel humiliated or ashamed by what you’re holding inside. You think that they’re going to leave you anyways once they know your truth, so you push and push, keeping to yourself.”



Nothing, I was giving away nothing. Then he went silent, just the picture of ease while I stared blankly, while inside the chaos was building, and I didn’t – couldn’t – I wanted to expel my thoughts just so I could get rid of the clutter inside.



“Kieran, you mentioned something… you said white coats?” my eyes widened when he said those two words, as well as the fact that I had mentioned them. I had revealed that little piece of my past.



“Can you tell me about the white coats?” my hands shook, my vision blurred and my chest squeezed painfully. Gasping, I grabbed the sofa edge between my hands to calm myself and to give my hands something to hold onto.



Share that with him? Chelsea and Gabriel already know, Nyx thought.



“Why don’t you just ask Chelsea and Gabriel?” I muttered, using Nyxs’ thoughts.



“You would prefer that I go behind your back and get information?” No! I shouted in my head. “I wouldn’t like that,” he continued, “I mean, granted they know what I’m thinking, I think I would prefer giving someone that type of information, sharing my past instead of being investigated or having that information given, taken without my permission.”



Again with the confusing run around, what difference did it make that I could give the details and Chelsea and Gabriel knew the details the minute I thought of them?



Grant snorted, “It’s about trust Kieran,” I blinked, did I say that last bit out loud? I don’t think I did but then how – “Your facial expression… it’s about trust. It’s about talking and sharing what happened to you, because Kieran; you don’t see what happened to you as a problem. You say you deserve it, but what I want to know is, if you thought you deserved what happened, why would you push Oakley away? You were punished for something you did-”



“Because I can’t be like other mates!” I shouted cutting him off, my chest heaving up and down rapidly, “They thought I could hurt someone! They knew me” I pointed to my chest roughly.



“The white coats… they – they thought I would hurt someone like they hurt – punished – me,” I corrected myself.



Grant sat forward, his elbows on his knees, “They wanted you to give out punishments?”



I nodded, my mouth so dry, my memories flooding my mind.



“But you didn’t want too?”



I shook my head, my jaw clenched tightly.



“What happened when you didn’t want too?”



my bottom lip shook, he didn’t understand, none of them knew.



Tell them, Nyx thought.



“What happened when you didn’t want to do to others what was done to you Kieran?” Grant asked once again.



Panting, I released the grip I had on the ends of the sofa, one hand flying to my chest, “I – I ran.”



Grant blinked, “You ran?”



Nodding, “I – I – I couldn’t… I didn’t want too. So I – I – I knew the codes – I escaped.” I whispered, he would know the truth now.



“You were locked up?”



I nodded.



“Did you – Kieran did you always know how to escape?” his blue eyes full of something I saw when I spoke to Oakley. That look that made me want to lay myself a her feet and just tell her everything inside me, that hurt, that burned… that made me want to hide.



I couldn’t escape though, didn’t he understand? “Kieran, did you stay because you believed you were bad?” panting I could barely exhale without my body jerking.



“But you left – you escaped when you thought they were going to make you hurt someone?” I nodded. Grant rested back, his eyes watery, clearing his throat, I could see him swallow and the veins in his neck seemed to thicken.



“Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me that Kieran,” he said after a moment, blindsiding me once again. Trust? Was that what I was doing by telling him such little details? And in a small part of my brain, I registered that nothing happened. I told him something, and he was still right in front of me, he wasn’t agreeing or even looking at me with pity or judgment, instead he was thanking me.



“Kieran, are you okay?” I nodded mechanically not understanding.



Sighing Grant leaned forward slowly, “Why didn’t you just go along with what they wanted you to do Kieran?”



I opened my mouth, only to shut it each time, “I only ask because, you believed you deserved what you got. Doesn’t that mean that the person they wanted you to hurt, they deserved it as well?”



I shook my head.



“I didn’t – I didn’t want to be like them, I didn’t want to be a monster,” I whispered sadly, remembering that time. Knowing I was bad and deserved to be there, but not wanting to be like them, ever.



He only nodded, “Why did it bother you that your m – Carla and Tony looked for you?”



I just shrugged.



“Can I tell you what I think?” he asked. Fixing my face, and inhaling I met his eyes, just waiting for whatever he was going to say.



“I may be off target, but I’m very good at what I do… reading your behavior and expressions, picking up on the very little details that you give… I’ve formed a picture in my head. Would you like me to share it with you?” he asked one eyebrow rose waiting for me to give him some sort of answer.



Did I want him to tell me what he was thinking? I looked away, because the truth was, I would. Because then if he were right, he’d know the truth, he’d have enough information to come to a conclusion about me.



So steeling myself, I gave him one sharp nod.



“I think those assholes played on the emotions of a frightened child… they made you feel weak and isolated to the point where nothing you did was right, but then instead of having balance, everything you did was wrong. You were never right, you could never win, and that was never going to happen Kieran. They made rules, and changed them, and I’m pretty sure that they had you bending over backwards trying to meet these unrealistic utterly pointless standards.”



My leg was pumping erratically as Grant just continued speaking not looking for assurance from me.



“Each time you failed, they said that it was because of you, each time you didn’t meet the standards it was because you were in some way inadequate, and after a while, when they knew that they had you right where they wanted you. Broken, and believing that you were everything wrong that they told you, they got sloppy… they wrote you off as someone that they had broken and rebuilt just as they wanted. The boy that had no faith in himself, that would dish out abuse that they wanted to give, but they didn’t break the part of you that knew inside that they were wrong.”



“No matter what they made you do – and I’ll wait for when you’re ready to share that with me… because no matter what you tell me, I’ll still think you’re the strongest young man I’ve met in my life – there was a part of you that knew it wasn’t right. But you want to know what else?”



By then, I think I had truly stopped breathing as Grant just laid his thoughts at my feet, “I’m guessing, purely based on what little I know, but I think it bothered you that Carla and Tony looked for you because inside you never grew up. You were always that little boy that they told needed punishment, and in that mindset you didn’t escape before because you thought that if you were just good enough, listened the best you could, that eventually your m – Carla and Tony would come and get you from the white coats.”



“You never escaped because you were there because you were bad, you hadn’t improved, you were still as bad as the day they took you…” my bottom lip shook, and Grant’s clear shape blurred in my vision. “As bad as you were, you couldn’t stay and hurt someone the way they hurt you, so even though you were bad, you had to leave.” I nodded, and the poison inside me, rolled down my face, over my cheeks, and down my jaw.

___________________________

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1. I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS IN 5TH GRADE AND I WAS LEARNING HOW TO PLAY VIOLIN. I SOUNDED TERRIBLE, BUT PRACTICE REALLY DOES MAKE PERFECT. Oh yeah… I took piano lessons since I was in first grade and then in high school I took flute lessons because we had to have band class. So I had the flute, I can remember when I first started that my mom would try to vacuum the house at that precise time… So for that hour, if she as in the house, she was vacuuming, going the furthest she could in the house.



2. KIERAN NEEDS TO TAKE HER BACK! BEN AND KAYLA ARE TOO CUTE!!! I know so many people want me to just put Oakley and Kieran back together, but I really want them to use this time apart to grow. Julia said it right, the analogy I used, and Oakley understood it. Sometimes you aren’t ready for something, you have to wait until you are… I won’t keep them apart forever.



3. DIDN’T WANNA THROW THE FIT AT THE Q ABOUT ETTA AND KADEN SO WENT TO THE FRIDGE AND HAD A MINI LATE NIGHT BINGE LOL I know a lot of people have been like they don’t understand where those two come in? But without spoiling it, I can’t give much away. However I will say again, the head Fae the Elders are looking for is Etta. Elder Caelum is looking for Kaden as well. Its there in the chapter when he names the successful cases.



4. THESE SIBLINGS ARE SO GOOD TO AND FOR EACH OTHER! WILL THERE BE ANYTHING ABOUT BEN AND KIERAN? There will be.



5. WHY COULDN'T HER OWN MOTHER TAKE CARE OF HER...? From Oakley’s POV it looks bad…



6. I THINK KIERAN IS FIGHTING A LOSING BATTLE, EVEN HIS WOLF IS TRYING TO HELP HIM SO SOON HE'LL HAVE NO OTHER OPTIONS BUT TO COME TO GRIPS WITH THE TRUTH. He totally is fighting a losing battle, but I just don’t want to write something like instant happiness… that’s boring and there are so many stories on wattpad that are like that, so there’s no reason for mine to be that way. I won’t be dragging it out, but it won’t be fixed in one chapter.



7. GRANT IS MAKING GOOOOD PROGRESS W/KIERAN . BOTH KIERAN AND GRANT WILL DO CHELSY PROUD AS ELDERS. Oh yeah… I LOVE that you’re thinking long term.



8. THAT WAS AN INTENSE SESSION FOR KIERAN BUT GRANT IS REALLY GOOD, AND OAKLEY IS SO THOUGHTFUL RECORDING THE READING FOR KIERAN SINCE SHE CAN'T READ TO HIM DIRECTLY....SWEET GIRL. I know it seems corny but I wanted for her to do something else that just pestering him… again so many stories where guys/girls don’t understand no means no… He told her to go away, that doesn’t mean that she has to think of some way to get revenge or make him jealous or whatever other game she could play. There’s this innocence in Oakley… they have enough drama between the two of them; I don’t need to have Oakley hanging out with some other guy, or pestering Kieran. He asked her to stay away… OF COURSE she would respect that because she asked Sarah to leave her alone and she never listened.



9. I REALLY LIKE HOW GRANT INTERACTS WITH KIERAN. LOVE THIS UPDATE, THANK YOU!! Oh yeah… the best way to get to Kieran in my opinion, isn’t to tell him what you want him to accept. He’s had so much of that, he needs someone to just question his mentality, to make him get so tied up in his thoughts because it can’t be both ways, he is holding on so tight to what he believes. He’s human, it will take work, because he was taken when he was six(ish) years old. He lived nearly seven years thinking he was bad, telling him he isn’t won’t work.



10. NOT THAT IT TRULY MATTERS BUT DID SHE SCRIBBLE OUT THAT PERVIOUS START, RIP IT OUT AND START AGAIN OR DID SHE JUST LEAVE IT? LOL! Nope it’s a good question. Oakley didn’t rip the first scribble. She just started over. I want it to be raw and how she feels. I know people hate reading journal entries but with a journal there is no one to impress or hide you from. You just put down what you’re feeling or thinking and it doesn’t have to be proper, cleaned or neat. She started it one way… but that didn’t work… so she took a calming breath and started over again getting what was bothering her out.



11. GRANT IS A FREAKING GENIUS. IT MUST HAVE BURNED HIM TO WATCH HIS OWN BROTHER TREATING OAKLY THE WAY HE DID. THERE'S A LOT OF HYPER ABOUT WHAT PAT'S POV WILL BE LIKE. I CAN HONESTLY SAY I AM KEEPING AN OPEN MIND. YOU HAVE NOT DISAPPOINTED ME YET. EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN YOUR STORIES HAPPENS FOR A REASON. CAN'T WAIT TO READ WHAT YOU HAVE FOR US NEXT. With Pat, I won’t lie. Everyday I write a piece of his POV, I’m not posting it until it’s finished and feels right, but I started working on it already because it’s a hard POV to write for me. Especially because being so callous isn’t me, and writing it to fit who he is, is like so foreign to me that I have to do it short pieces or else I’m just angry lol – it’s weird.



12. I HONESTLY DONT WANT TO READ MORE OF PAT'S STUPIDITITY CAUSE THE HATE I FEEL FOR HIM KEEPS BUILDING UP... I DONT THINK ITS HEALTHY ANYMORE :( haha! Exactly… the answer and comment to question 11, I have to write Pat POV in pieces because it’s not healthy for me to write it in one sitting lol.



13. ONCE AGAIN, THANK YOU FOR ANTHER AMAZING CHAPTER. YOU KNOW, I'M AWARE THAT THIS IS A STORY, SOMETHING YOU'VE MADE UP IN YOUR HEAD...BUT I AM SO EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN THESE CHARACTERS THAT IT'S JUST RIDICULOUS! I'M READING ONY LUNCH BRAKE AT WORK, AND I'M SURE MY COWORKERS MUST THINK I'M CRAZY GETTING ALL TEARY EYED OVER SOMETHING ONY PHONE. One time I was in class and my teacher said something and I wasn’t paying attention but he said something and because I was reading something, I laughed out loud. UGH so embarrassing! Instead of just letting it go, he asks what I thought was so funny. So then I had to weave some lie to fit what he was talking about… yet still it was weird because under no circumstance was what he said funny. So I totally know what you mean…



14. I DON'T KNOW WHERE OR HOW YOU HAVE COME UP WITH THE INSIGHT ON ABUSE AND THE CARE, BOTH MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY, FOR VICTIMS OF BOTH MENTAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE. I AM NOT EASILY AMAZED BY WRITERS BUT YOU HAVE REALLY AMAZED ME WITH YOUR 4 BOOKS I HAVE READ. CARRY ON! HOPING FOR THE NEXT UPDATES! I DO A LOT OF RESEARCH, plus when I wrote out each character I then went and looked up ways to approach them. Researching what would be true to how they behave, if that makes sense.



15. YOU ARE SO CORRECT IN NOT HURRYING THE NEGATIVE TO POSITIVE CHANGES. THE ONES WHO WERE ABUSED TAKE FOREVER TO GET IN THE RIGHT FRAME OF MIND. YEARS CAN GO BY BEFORE ANYTHING POSITIVE SHOWS. Thank you. If there are two things I hate reading are books that rush progress… like one minute they are so damaged that no one can get through to them, then the next chapter there is a pretty girl, that any guy would be lucky to have that just takes all his problems away and without ever having to seek out professional help too, and they have the best relationship because there is nothing like getting all the help you need from someone that has no idea how to help you.



16. LOL IM SORRY I LAUGHED BUT KIERAN IS STARTING TO ACT LIKE A TRUE TEENAGER..WELCOME. Yeah, Kieran was robbed of so much, but slowly, I’m going to be bringing him out… he can’t stay that little boy in his mind forever, and even though it’s going to be random, there are moments where he’s going to be his age…



17. ABSOLUTELY LOVING THIS SERIES. HONESTLY MORE THAN I HAVE ANY OTHER IN A LONG TIME. I LOOK forward immensely to seeing how this all will unfold! Thank you for sharing it with us. Thank you!!! I hope I live up to what you’re hoping to get form the series.



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