A/N:NOT EDITED. Hey everyone, so I'm feeling much better after the Pistachio disaster LOL..

ANYWAYS: I updated 'SCRATCH'

THIS CHAPTER WAS INSPIRED BY THIS SONG, HERE ARE THE LYRICS:

There are theives, who rob us blind,

and kings, who kill us fine,

but steady, the rights and the wrongs

invade us, in innocent song.

I'm not ready, I'm not ready

for the weight of us, for the weight of us,

for the weight of us, for the weight of all of us.

There's a cold heart, buried beneath,

and warm blood, running deep.

Secrets - are mine to keep

protected by silent sleep.

I'm not ready, I'm not ready

for the weight of us, for the weight of us

for the weight of us, for the weight of all of us



The time has come, let us be brave....

The time has come, let us be brave....

Shake off all of your sins.

The time has come, let us be brave....

The time has come, let us be brave....

Let us be brave, let us be brave.

Enjoy the chapter.

Chapter 51 - Walter POV

Sitting in the room with the twins, Cole in his bed and Tia on my lap, I close the nursery book I'm reading just taking a moment to listen to the silence in the room. Everything these two babies did to me was wonderful and near mystical, their laughs made me cry and their smiles seemed to be contagious. I had missed two years, but I wouldn't miss anymore, I soaked up tears, laughter, hungry bellies, pouts, tantrums, everything, the good with the bad.



And I loved it.



I couldn't decide even right this moment, what I enjoyed or missed more. I loved watching them sleep, curled up, sucking their thumbs, butts in the air. The way Cole's eyebrows never seemed to lose that thinking deeply about something, pushed together brows. Or the way that Tia liked to almost hum her self to sleep, her very own soothing routine.



But in that was the problem, when they slept, I missed their shrieks of laughter, the rough playing Cole always wanted Tia to engage in but she shied away from. Their baby talking, the words they tried to say but most times I would just have to nod to appease them, despite not understanding their babble.



Then there was my mate, my Nora.



"You're going to spoil her," Nora whispered.



Turning to the side, her body leaning against the door jam of the twins room, her smirk on her face, "She's my little girl, I don't mind spoiling her a bit," I replied back, putting the book aside and walking to the crib, laying Tia down, covering her with a light blanket and toeing out of the bedroom.



Closing the door behind us, I held Nora against me, wrapping my arms around her chest, just enjoying the freedom and calm I felt these days, like nothing I had before in my life.



"How are the lessons going?" I asked laying my cheek against the top of her head.



A low snort and she chuckled, "I'm not sure but with time maybe they'll get to where they need to be... I mean just now Chelsea winced at her own playing."



I smiled, it didn't matter what Nora was saying to me, just as long as I heard her voice... I couldn't explain the way I felt. A type of fullness inside that couldn't be achieved with all the food in the world.



"By the time they've finished just playing scales, their bows are destroyed," again I can see the humor in her voice. Pulling away I sigh, "You have to go?" her words delivered with a pout that makes me want to skip perimeter runs tonight.



"Yeah..." I say just as enthusiastically as I felt inside.



Don't make trouble Walter; she says lifting her left brow at me.



"I have no problem with anyone... they just need to leave me alone. I don't trust them Nora," I say the same thing I had for the past month or so.



"I never had to run before, I just didn't have the energy to be honest, but now... each time I am on the schedule it's with Tom and Theo... and they won't leave me alone," I shrug.



She returns my whine with a tight smile, "I - with your dad-" I snort at that word, still not over it all, but Nora just pats my chest, and gives me this serious cut it out stare that she seems to have mastered for the twins.



"You can't stay mad forever... eventually it's only going to make you tired because you're holding onto that bitterness, that anger inside you," she's right... my wolf agrees.



Nora is too eager and soft, ready to forgive them, but I am the one aware of just what could have been different had I been listening and bowing down to what Theo, Tom and Scoria all wanted. I would be mated to Lynn, I would have forgotten and replaced the woman that was made for me, that unknown to me was the mother of my children. How do I just forgive them for not listening to me? For taking away my will?



"Just don't make waves Walter," Nora repeats, kissing me softly, a sigh released against my lips before she pulls away so I can leave.



Walking down the stairs, my legs stiffen and feel as though they've magically gained weight, getting heavier and heavier as I make my way outside, down to the beach, where I have to join Theo, Tom, Marlon and Jax Hellmanns.



Sighing I go to them, standing, praying for the next six hours to fly by.



I'm not that lucky of course.



Running in wolf form it would take nearly ninety minutes to run around the entire island, however majority vote wants to walk it instead.



"How are you kids Walter?" Tom - my father - asks.



"Let's not do this," I reply just putting one foot in front of the other.



"How long are you going to hold this against your mother and I?"



I stop walking, "You're forgiven Tom," I answer coolly, shrugging my shoulder. He nods slowly, "When - well then - maybe you could bring my grandbabies by the h-"



I scoff, chuckling before stopping abruptly, making sure I look him in the eye, "No."



Waiting a few beats, I finally just continue walking, leaving the four of them six feet behind me, as we continue. The truth of the matter was, I just didn't trust the Hellmanns to not hurt my family, Cole, Tia and Nora had become my whole world. It was too soon in my own opinion especially after Lynn and Greg's death. I had been here long enough to know that the Hellmanns never put blame where it was meant to be, on them selves.



After an hour or so of them walking along behind me, Marlon discussing random information with them, Theo comes up closer, "You know how important family is to us-" before he could even finish that statement, he was on the ground, his nose gushing blood.



"Don't tell me about how important family is Theo - where do you - any of you get off?" I shout the anger still inside me. Not even because of what I knew happened to Nora while I was here on this island living in safety. What bothered me the most was their attitude to my feelings, to what I was saying.



"Family? Your mate Jenny nagged you endlessly to get me to accept Lynn, and when you couldn't do it Theo, do you remember what you did?"



I didn't wait for him to answer, "You started to ignore me, and now you're talking about 'family is important?'" I couldn't believe the words he had just uttered.



"All of you, pushed and pushed, and watched me get weaker and more alone than I have ever been in my whole life, because you wanted peace between them and us. All of you - Tom you and Scoria - all of you turned on me because of Lynn and now you want to what? Play happy family?" I scoffed turning around continuing to walk away.



The nerve.



.



.



.



Chelsea POV



After two weeks, I was currently sitting in my office, Philip Pascal in front of me, his eyes wide and wary, "Gabriel and I... well we think you're not a danger, therefore we've brought you back."



He nodded, "Okay... thank you," his eyes wide and honest, Judy, he thought with such a pitiful sigh. I wouldn't tell him that we had began picking up people from the book he gave us as well as any of the people that Kieran, Liam and the other escapees thought of.



"I'm letting you come back, because outside of the documents you've given us to prove your loyalty I want more."



"More?" he echoed, a beat, "anything."



A smile played on my lips, "I want you to tell me just how you were able to leave the Elders, you've already said that your mate was the break through but I want to know if you think it is possible for others to make the choice you've made? You had children... you left them... everything you were you left for your mate?"



His eyes widened, she knows about Cecelia and Scott?How?



"Well?"



Swallowing, his Adams apple bobbed.



"Why did you leave your child behind?"



To protect Cecelia, "the woman that the Elders put me with, they wanted me to get her brother to work for them, Chase studying micro biology at Yale, top of his class, they wanted him but there was no opening, he was married and his wife was pregnant. He married right out of high school... they couldn't get to him by sending another woman... instead they sent me in to date Cecelia, and slowly convince Chase to join their objective. Before I could really get him to do that, I met Judy."



I nodded, listening and taking in all I could from his words, "I'm not a horrible guy but - I didn't have a choice, not really. If I would've taken Scott, Cecelia and Chase, they're human, they wouldn't have just let it go, and I knew that the minute the Elders thought they'd make a scene, they'd just eliminate the threat."



His bottom lip shook, "I love my son, I do and I think of him all the time-"



"Cecelia died."



His eyes widened, in shock, "what? How - oh god - no - I - how?" he stammered. Please not the Elders, what about Scott? "What about Scott?"



"Scott lived with Chase and his family, he currently studies at Northwestern, he's a freshman," Philip nodded, his eyes watery.



"Did... did he shift?" I gave him a pill, he shouldn't have shifted, but did he shift? Was he alone?



"We sent someone to monitor him now, as far as we could tell, Chase teaches micro-biology at Northwestern... Scott didn't shift, we couldn't understand why though..." It wasn't unknown that if mated with a human a child may or may not shift, but more often than not, that child shifted.



"The Elders they said that with a few doses we could rid their wolves, poison them out, there is no danger to the child but the - the pill you can grind it down to powder and mix it into a bottle. You give it to them and it deactivates their wolf gene," but what happens if they want that child to join their cause eventually? I wondered.



"Is there something to reactivate the gene?"



He shakes his head, slowly, unsure. "I'm not sure, they said that it doesn't hurt the child, and I gave it to Scott, he never showed any signs of sickness, but I wasn't around when he was at shifting age, either."



"Anyone else you know and saw it happen?"



"They told us, the doctor that we'd bring them too, after a certain amount of doses it went past suppressing the gene to keeping it dormant permanently." I eyed this man in front of me, wondering what the hell was going through his mind years ago when he just up and left his son, knowing that the Elders were involved.



I hate to even say it, because maybe he thought extensively about the repercussions back then, but a part of me also knows, can tell that he behaved selfishly. He left that child behind because to him, the Elders had put him with Cecelia, he hadn't loved her, and he wasn't supposed to love his child because if they told him to leave said wife and child behind, he would've done it without batting an eyelash.



Now, however I think after making a life with Judy, having their triplets - Meadow, Jade and Taryn - being a father, a part of him, that part of him, regretted leaving behind his child. You couldn't fake concern like he was exhibiting right now, especially not the inner turmoil his mind seemed to be drowning in.



"Okay... Do you believe it would be easy to turn members belonging to the Elders against their cause? Those that were in your position...?"



He looked at me doubtfully, sighing heavily he laid what he knew on me, once again showing me just how horrid the Elders really were, "You join their cause, they pull you in with a big spiel but the truth is, you don't know what you're signing up for until you're so far in that you just go with the flow." I nodded.



"They tell you that you show loyalty to them, that no one is above the cause - but if you would've asked me what the cause was, back then, I would say to protect the way of life for shifters but that wasn't the truth. You repeat what they've conditioned you to think and say, and meeting your mate, your true mate if you're a shifter, that breaks down the spell somewhat... for some people."



"Others... recruits that have been following the cause since they were teens, they are - when they meet their mates, it's hard and clouded for them especially if that mate isn't part of the cause."



"How do you know about others that have found their mates?" I ask reading his thoughts, as he thinks of a few different people over the course of his life before he met Judy, couples that confirmed for him that they were mates that he never saw again.



"I had - there were a few men like me that I knew over the years, that all were die hard cause followers. I mean sometimes you lose contact with them, but there was one guy - Adam Rintz- he met his mate, she wasn't part of the cause. Somehow he seemed to not turn his back on the cause, he said he would approach the Elders about leaving his family, and having him along with his mate moved to another area," his voice monotone.



"She was human, he hadn't revealed much to me... but he came back and he told me that the Elders said he could be transferred. All he had to do was make an exit out of his life and since he was assigned to a human family, leave no loose ends. Fake his death."



Inside my stomach curled, already seeing the bombardment of memories in his mind, but I kept my face blank, waiting to hear it from his lips and not his mind, "He brought the girl around, I saw her once, but I remembered what she looked like... they told me to help Adam fake his death and we did. Never saw him again, told me that he'd contact me when he settled into his new assignment."



Dread rolling off him in waves, "Five months later bones found in the Arizona desert were matched to his mate." I feigned a surprised gasp.



"There is a sort of rumor - or chatter that if you will. They don't want you to just turn your back on them, when you're a die hard follower you don't realize that it's all a lie, a farce they themselves created so when you find your mate you go to them. They tell everyone that goes to them, that they will move you, you have to end up cutting all ties even to those that are followers as well. If I hadn't seen Adams mate that one time, I wouldn't have known that she was in fact not alive. That it was all a lie."



Philip shook his head, "I - I thought like all the others that had done what Adam did... that it was successful because you didn't hear from them again - they were devoting themselves to the cause. Out of gratitude if you found your mate and went to the Elders, they didn't retire you, just moved you with your mate and you did a new job, but you did so with your mate at your side."



They wouldn't have let me keep Judy, had to run, he shook his head, his eyes glazed over, "It was complete coincidence that I even saw Adams mate, he didn't know I saw her... but I did." He grunted.



"Then it hit me - I just knew, all those other people that said they were going to be with their mates, the Elders never approved of them having their mates. I could've seen reports of mates bones found and never knew it before," he twisted his face up.



"When I found my Judy," following his hands against his chest, he shook his head, "I ran with her, I didn't tell those Elders... I knew better."



Philip Pascal is as selfish as they come, I thought to myself, seeing his point of view on the one hand while still noting that I'm sure he never revealed to anyone his suspicion on what the Elders were doing.



Wanting to know just how dowdy and unredeemable Philip truly was, I asked, "How many did you know that went to the Elders to be with their mates?" again keeping a blank mask on my face.



Still without pretense, "I knew of nearly ten guys that said the Elders allowed them to be with their mates..." I nodded.



"How many were after you saw that new reporting on Adam's mate?" three.



"Three."



I dipped my head down, not pulling my eyes from his, "And you never thought that... maybe you should warn them that they should not approach the Elders?"



"Acknowledge that the Elders would probably kill them and their mates?"



Again I ducked, saying yes with just a gesture.



"No... when you join the cause, you acknowledge knowingly that you will follow them, above your mate... you give them your loyalty... when you see someone falling out of line, you report it. You think that if I tried to stop some of these guys from going to the Elders that I wouldn't have been seen as a traitor?"



"You were a traitor anyways... you found Judy and ran..." I reminded him.



Looking away he nodded, I had no choice, he thought silently to himself, she won't - I don't think she'll see me the same way ever again - have to try - for Jade, Taryn and Meadow - will they ever know Scott? His thoughts ricocheting wildly, each thought leading to two more and so on.



"I don't trust you, I don't want to trust you, either," I started off, "there is a man outside, Rico - he will follow you everywhere you go, until I feel as though you aren't worth the effort of being followed. If you aren't found with him or his replacement at any time, you're gone." I said offhandedly, crossing my legs sighing heavily.



I thought for sure there would be some sort of rebelling but he refrained from making a scene. "Understood," he muttered surprising me. "That's all, you can leave," I said standing.



Once he left, Wolf who was outside waiting; Logan had long gone, stood, "Hey, can we talk?"



Nodding I gestured for him to enter my office, "What's up?"



"I'm nervous," he muttered, not bothering to sit down, just pacing around my room.



"Why?"



Stopping still, his body seemed stiff and heavy, "Logan is asking Rainy if she would - I want to meet her," he said in a small voice.



"I - I don't - I know some of what happened to her, I'm just - I don't even know," He just seemed to be rambling, not really saying anything.



"I feel so - Chelsea - god - all of what she went through," he gripped bending over in anguish.



"I never knew - I never knew," he just continued to repeat the words.



Sighing I just waited for him to calm, but that wasn't happening instead his hands fisted repeatedly, and when he stood straight up his brown eyes, were black.



Resting back, I said what was actually on my mind, "You didn't get it... Rian screwed up my whole life... she sought out to get Jay, to keep him from mating with my mother. Took Audrey... Leo had me, tried to train me, and guess what? Everything Rainy suffered... you can just point a finger at you and Rian, Jay as well."



I wasn't trying to calm Wolf down, not when he needed to face the truth, and now that he was, I had to say my peace, "Rainy probably won't blame you because her children... it's a double edge scenario. If she didn't endure what she did, they wouldn't be here... you have to remember that. You can't - don't say anything about that Wolf... don't make an already bad and heinous occurrence dirty and sordid. She loves her children," I whispered my voice shaking.



"You didn't forgive Jay? You don't forgive him," only the first part a question, I just snorted.



"Jay isn't even on my radar Wolf... he couldn't protect himself from Rian, their entire relationship was a setup, she never loved him... she killed your mate... and you know what I don't understand?"



His hands stilled and his eyes were empty as he stared at me blankly, "You told her the same stories you wanted to tell me, she knew not to trust Rian, she didn't want her children anywhere near Rian, if you or Jay had just taken a step back and looked at her, just dug a little bit? Do you know how much could have been different?" I ask with nonchalance that I had developed when thinking of this clusterfuck that was our family.



Before Wolf could answer, Logan and Rainy were outside of my office. Standing I went straight to the door, opening and letting them inside.



Slowly Logan entered the room, and Rainy just stood by the door, her blue eyes on Wolf, neither of them speaking a single word, but their eyes, heartbeats racing... those things spoke wonders. Wolf scrutinized every bit of Rainy's face, his wolf howling inside his head. It was utterly somber and melancholy, my heart hurting, for them but so happy that Rainy had gotten Wolf, and not Jay. For some reason Jay seemed to write me off, however Wolf, just in his eyes alone... I could tell that he wasn't doing that.



Wolf wanted to meet her, had practiced what he wanted to say to her, but now, with her in front of him, the words were gone. 'Laura Christi' was all he could think, dread and cold feet filling his every thought and feeling.



"I'm Rainella - Logan calls me Rainy," she whispered and I looked away, my vision blurred, the love shone in Wolfs' eyes, took my breath away.



"You're beautiful, you - it's uncanny," he said in a dazed voice, a watery smile that I don't think he's given to anyone in so long.



Stepping out from the room, I sigh leaving them in my office, and going down to the kitchen, to help Greta and Nona prepare dinner, knowing that the Hayes, Oakley, Ben, Kayla, Julia and Grant were coming over tonight.



When I entered the two of them turned to face me, "Anything I can do?" I offered, but Nona just pushed a tray of food I knew was meant for Kieran in front of me. It had been nearly three weeks since he told Oakley not to come to him anymore, however Grant had managed to build a good rapport with Kieran. They weren't the best of friends, and truth be told Kieran didn't truly trust Grant, but each time Grant went, he gave that boy something to think about, a piece of information instead of overwhelming him with truths.



Though everyone would love for him to join us for meals or just to interact with us at all, Grant suggested we give Kieran more time, especially now when his mind seemed to be at war with itself. It was its own battlefield and truthfully I couldn't be any happier than he seemed to not be put off from Grant.



On the other hand, Oakley, it was - she was selfless, it was eating her up inside, all she wanted was to be there for him, but at the same time that was overrode with the need to give him the space he asked for.



Getting him a bottle of water and a bottle of juice, I took the tray heading to his floor, using the end of the tray to knock on the door.



He normally kept the door closed, but I also noticed that he always opened it, no matter what, unless he was sleeping.



"Brought you some dinner," I said wanting him to step aside and let me in, instead of just taking it from me. Getting my way, I place the tray on the table next to all the untouched carving supplies we bought for him. "It's okay if you want to join us Kieran," I tell him sitting on the sofa while he goes to his bed, perching him self on the edge.



"I know," a quiet tone.



"How have you been lately?"



Looking away he shrugs, you can read my mind... you kinda know how I'm doing already, he answers with his thoughts.



"You have a point," he doesn't seem to look at me though, never in the eyes and in this circumstance I wish he had the self - esteem to do that, but he didn't have that at the moment.



I wanted him to know that I could relate to him, and so I asked Grant, wondering if maybe - just maybe I shared my history with Kieran, it would help him relate to me. After giving me the go ahead, I was just waiting to find the right time, and I think I just found it.



Exhaling I steeled myself, "Kieran, you're right, I can see your thoughts, but there is a difference between me knowing what you're thinking and you taking your own mouth, lips to tell the truth, to put it out there. To let someone you trust carry some of the burden in your mind... I - I know it may not feel like talking about what happened to you would help because I can read your mind and that doesn't make you feel better. Right?"



I pose the question, but in no way shape or form expect for him to give me a response, so I continue.



"There is a difference, you decide who you tell what burdens you Kieran, just because I can hear your thoughts doesn't mean I'm the person that you've trusted enough to tell them too."



It's really quite simple in my mind, but to him, he always hits that road block for some reason, holding back because he thinks I can already hear what he's thinking, see what he's experienced.



"What I see, I don't tell Grant, so he is waiting for the day that you feel comfortable enough with him, to open up and discuss what happened."



Picking at his bed sheet, he nods, but doesn't meet my eyes.



"Kieran..." I say and wait for him to look at me, "Did you know I used to be punished too?" I ask my voice strong, but that little girl inside my head, that suffered that abuse, lingers.



"I saw your back..." he answers and the hand that shakes when he mentions it, I force it to stop.



"If you don't mind I'd like to tell you about my abuse and abuser?"



He nods slowly, "Ok... so I was born inside a concrete room, and the man that had me, he lost me for a while... some how I ended up in a dumpster and put into the human foster system. No one would adopt me and then finally, after years of being on the outside, a couple decided to take me, and started the process. They couldn't have children of their own... and for a while, I was so happy, because finally someone wanted me," I tell him this now, less sad than ever, my life full now.



"When they were almost completed, they found out that they were having a child of their own, and they stopped the adoption process, sending me back to foster care," this part I say more monotone than anything else.



"You know how I said I was born in the concrete room?"



"Yes," he whispers softly.



"Well the man... he had been trying to track me down, he found me and locked me inside of that same room." I make sure we are making eye contact now.



"That is where my hell started Kieran, in that room."



He says nothing, and I think he's holding his breath at that moment.



I continue, I want to share this with him, let him know that he isn't alone; he thinks that he has something to be ashamed of, but nothing that was done to him is his fault.



"He - Leo - that is the name of the man, he started to train me..." I swallow thickly, "you see I was a very bad girl Kieran, I couldn't do anything right. I didn't stand straight enough, I didn't hold still, I didn't cook right, I didn't wipe up my own blood from the floor correctly, I couldn't even count when Leo would tie me to the table face down and whip me, for my own good."



My stomach turned over and over again, "I had to count to myself the amount of time I took in the shower, because if I was just one second over, I had to be beaten until my back was raw and burning."



"The beatings would get so bad, but you know what? I was the reason they got that bad, that's what Leo told me, but I still tried, I gave all I could, just to not screw up, to do as he said because he was training me to be a good girl." The words leave a bitter taste in my mouth and I'm thankful that I got rid of that animal.



With tears in my eyes I continue, "And Let me tell you, I was such a bad little girl Kieran, that Leo would take pictures of my biological father and place them underneath me so that when I looked down as he beat me for what I did wrong, I could watch how happy he was with my half siblings. And as Leo punished me and trained me, he told me and then would ask me, why he was doing what he was doing to me."



"He just wanted to 'train me, for me to be a good girl,' that's what he wanted me to say, and for just over three years, he abused me regularly, but the very last time he abused me, he took a paddle, tied me face down, and broke my arms, a few ribs, my ankle... and then when that wasn't enough abuse he took a knife and carved the three lines you saw on my back," I finish and by then tears are dripping down my face, and I refuse to wipe them.



I refuse to feel embarrassed or ashamed for what was done to me.



With his own tears falling down his face, he just blinked, his mind truly a revolving door of thoughts.



"What's worse... is that after everything, when I was finally free from him, I couldn't stop with all his teachings... all the things he had trained into me, I couldn't stop it. I thought - I was afraid - afraid that he would come back and I would forget all the training he did. I didn't see that I was free from him, or that I was getting another chance at life. I was fearful that he was coming back so I continued as though he was still around in my life."



"I counted when I shower, sometimes I still do it. I make sure that I only spend a certain amount of time in there. When I eat, he used to time me, and even though the numbers changed - his go to amount of time was thirty minutes... so sometimes when I'm anxious I count, and when I get to thirty, I can't eat any more, anything in my mouth after that time has ended makes me feel sick."



Inhaling and exhaling a body shuddering sigh, I take a moment to collect myself, "I was so afraid that Leo would get me, that I hid, I never went to school and since the man that adopted me was able to provide me with tutors I had them come to me. I had no friends, the only people I had around was Dad, Jack, Casey and our cook Helen. Sometimes we had Mikael over, but no one else."



"Even after the abuse stopped, I couldn't - wouldn't see myself as I should - stop being afraid, of having nightmares, and believing what Leo said was true, because I had to be the bad girl he said I was Kieran. I couldn't - he had to be right, and I had to be bad because the alternative was that I was abused by this man for no other reason than he was bat-shit-crazy."



He blinked wiping his face, "And that was hard for me to accept, that it was never about me, the mind games, the training and punishment, everything I endured was for nothing. It was never about me, it just happened to be me, and worse it could've been anymore. But I needed to believe that it was because I was bad, and I continued to try to be good because to me, in my state of mind, his warped speeches made sense."



My heart beats quicken, and I feel as though my lungs are being flattened, but I continue to share with him, "The little girl in the pictures he showed me, she was smiling happily with her father, because she was a good girl. I wasn't... he knew my weaknesses Kieran. He knew that I was found in a dumpster, he knew that, the family that had wanted me, gave me away because they wanted their own child, he had pictures of the type of family I wanted, would have done anything to be in when I was younger. And he used everything he could against me, until I wanted him to 'train' and 'punish' the bad out of me, because I was the problem..."



"But that's what abusers do Kieran, they find your weaknesses and they make you internalize the bullshit they feed you, until you think just as they want you too and you believe that you're being hurt because you deserved it, when in reality that couldn't be further from the truth."



"No one, whether good or bad, innocent or a mistake maker, no one deserves the type of treatment that we've endured. I learned eventually that it wasn't me, it's not my fault and I was the child, the adult, they are the ones to blame. They are the ones that should have known better, not me. Never me. It's not easy to come to that conclusion either, it's hard, because for a while all I had inside my head, was what Leo told me, and I held onto that so tightly that I almost missed the chance to grow, to be nothing like the weak, scared little girl he thought he had control over."



I couldn't stop; I wanted him to really take everything I was saying in.



Sniffling he looked down, away from me, and I rested back trying to gain back my own composure that I had lost somewhere around the first sentence.



Sighing heavily I leaned forward, sitting at the edge of my seat, "Kieran, before I go... I have one more thing to say, okay?" he nodded not looking up and I knew it was because he didn't want to appear weak, but I would leave that alone, I wouldn't discuss his thoughts with him, he wouldn't be comfortable with that and I knew it.



"For a long time, maybe even up until I met Gabriel... the scars on my back, I was ashamed of them... I thought - especially when I had just been released from the hospital - that they were just proof of how bad I was, a way for everyone too see what Leo saw," I whisper the words as though they are a deep dark secret.



My eyes wet again, "But... now... everyday... I feel less and less like that little girl he abused... I've grown, it wasn't easy, but I wanted it Kieran. I wanted more than he said I could have... that no one would love me, I have love. I have Gabriel and Ava, and I have a family... it might not be completely biological, but I have people that care about me. I have that scar on my back but you want to know what?"



He finally looked up at me helplessness in his eyes, sorrow deeper than I could even grasp, "I'm here and Leo, he's dead... that's how much stronger than him I was. He's gone, and I'm the one alive!" I pointed to my chest, my voice shaky but full of conviction.



Standing I walked to the door, turning around to face him, "My dad - Jason - what helped me a lot, was he would repeatedly tell me, 'Chelsea the greater the power, the more dangerous the abuse,' it's a quote, talk with Grant about what that means..." he nodded his head, his eyes red and for now his normally equally mixed grayish blue eyes, seemed just blue.



"Don't let the white coats win Kieran, they already took so much away from you, don't let them have anymore," I whispered before slipping out of the room, turning to my right there was Gabriel, his arms wide open, waiting for me. Home.

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'The greater the power, the more dangerous the abuse,' - Edmund Burke.



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