Hudayfah lay awake on the couch staring up at the ceiling of the sitting room, wondering if Jenna was going to wake up crying soon. She had had a nightmare at this time of night ever since they had gotten married, and he was debating if he would go to her if she did. He was still so angry at her. Why was she pushing him away like this!? Yes he understood she hadn’t wanted to marry him. But he wasn’t a monster. He wasn’t being mean to her or forcing himself on her. He wasn’t keeping her from her family, he was giving her everything, including a lavish honeymoon, and he would never deny her a single thing if she were to ask. It was starting to physically hurt to be around her, especially when she pulled away from his touch as if she was disgusted by him. Though they hadn’t started out in the most traditional of senses, love and affection could grow between them if they both made an effort. But what hurt the most was that she didn’t want to give him a chance, and it was painfully obvious.

A few minutes later, he heard her gasp before she burst into sobs, and he hesitated for a few seconds before sighing and getting up. The scary visions were obviously rooted in some severe trauma from her past, and she needed comfort to help her through it, and he was the only one there. As he entered their room, he felt his heart constrict. She was already quite petite, but looked even smaller curled up in the middle of the giant bed.

“Jenna?” he asked softly, and she turned to look at him, her whole body trembling, and her face tear stained. “Another nightmare?” he asked, and she nodded, before starting to sob harder, burying her face in her pillow. He stood watching her for another few seconds as she rocked back and forth, before his phone buzzed and as he snagged it from the nightstand, he saw it was from Rami.

Everything okay?

Hudayfah glanced at the clock, and seeing it was three in the morning, he winced slightly.

Did she wake you?

Yeah. But it’s fine. What’s going on?

She had another nightmare.

Aw man sounds rough! Try holding her.

She doesn’t want me near her!

Hold her Hudayfah.

Hudayfah put his phone back down on the table, looking back at where she was curled up in the fetal position, and still sobbing, and soon he couldn’t take it anymore. As the mattress dipped under his weight, she looked back at him. He didn’t say anything, debating whether or not to hold her as his friend suggested, but eventually he just took her hand in his, intertwining their fingers together. She looked at him for a few seconds, before giving his hand a squeeze. He lay down next to her, moving his thumb over the back of her hand soothingly, until eventually her tears began to subside, and soon silence enveloped them. He knew he should have let her go then, but he didn’t want to.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered a few minutes later, and his thumb stilled.

“For what.”

“For earlier.”

He remained silent, continuing his attentions to her hand.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“I am sorry though.”

“I know.” He said with a nod. “So am I.”

“Why are you sorry?” she asked lifting her face to look at him in surprise.

“For losing my temper. I shouldn’t have lost my composure like that.” There was another silence between them before he spoke again. “Are you doing better?”

He felt her nod.

“Yes. Thank you.”

“I think we need to address this problem.” He said quietly, and he heard her shift her body so she was facing him.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m only human Jenna. I have feelings, and every time you pull away from me it’s like a slap in the face.”

She was quiet for a few moments, and he just listened to her breathing, focusing on the feel of her hand in his.

“I’m just not ready.” She whispered and he nodded.

“I understand that. As long as you understand that I am not a bad guy. I only want you to be happy with me. I’m here to protect you and take care of you. You have to stop treating me like the enemy.”

“Okay.” They were quiet again. “What are we going to do about behaving around Rami then?” she asked.

Tell her Hudayfah.

But as she momentarily tightened her fingers around his, his resolve weakened.

“Maybe we need a routine for our affection.”

She propped herself on her elbow, keeping her hand in his, much to his delight.

“That’s odd. What do you mean?”

“You said you aren’t ready for genuine affection. We have to put up a front. But if you knew it was coming maybe it would be easier on us. Help us make a start. That way it won’t be too much on you, and I wouldn’t feel like you are rejecting me.”

“What did you have in mind?”

He shrugged.

“I don’t know. Maybe a hug at breakfast, holding hands when we go out, a hug at night. Something like that.”

“I still find this weird.”

“Well I don’t know what else to do.” He said a bit huffily. “When things don’t come willingly from the heart it becomes a burden and painful. I don’t want to inflict us with that.” He swallowed deeply. “I can’t handle it anymore. We’ve only been married three days, if we keep gong like this…” he trailed off, his words hanging in the air between them, and she winced slightly.

“Maybe we should just tell Rami so we don’t have to pretend.”

His face took on a pained expression.

“If that is what you want.”

No! No! No!

She gave a sigh, and brought a hand up to her face.

“Do we have to talk about this now? I just want to sleep.” She said, and for a second he thought she was just trying to change the subject, but then she gave a yawn, and he gave a smile, pushing her hair away from her forehead.

“Whatever you want.”

***

Jenna stared up at her husband’s sleeping face as the alarm for Fajr went off, and she lightly skimmed a finger down his cheek. He moved slightly but didn’t wake up, and she gave a smile as he murmured something in his sleep that sounded suspiciously like her name.

She would never tell him this, but for the first time in forever she didn’t dream about that horrific night. She dreamt that he had left her and it scared her more than all of the other dreams combined. In her dream, she had woken up from a dream screaming like she usually did, and she waited for him to come to her but he hadn’t. She then searched the entire house for him and he, and all of the things in the house were gone as well. The only thing remaining was the bed she had been asleep in, and a note telling her that he couldn’t live like this anymore and he had to go. She wasn’t sure what scared her more, the dream itself or her reaction to the dream. She had been so close to throwing herself into his arms.

Apparently she didn’t realize the impact he had in her life, whether or not she wanted to admit it. When she had suggested that they tell Rami, she had only done it so sure that he would be against it. She had never thought he would agree to it, and panic had coursed through her.

But he was right, it wasn’t fair to both of them. His words came back to her,

If it doesn’t come from the heart willingly, it is just a burden and painful.

Unfortunately for Jenna, it was beginning to leave a burden and was crossing over to painful. Every time he had touched her and every time she had pulled away was embedded in her memory and her heart was beginning to scold her for not just letting it be real instead of for show. But she still felt like a captive. Memories of the day her dad came to her began to flood back to her at that moment. She had been pushing that day out of her mind, fearing that thinking about it would make things so much worse, but now she couldn’t help it…

Jenna habibti can I talk to you?

Okay. What’s wrong Baba?” She had asked worriedly for her dad had never looked so solemn before.

We found someone we think would be good for you for marriage.

Her eyes had widened in surprise.

“What? Like an arranged marriage?!” she had asked in disbelief.

Her dad had hesitated before nodding slightly.

“You could say that. But you know him. Hudayfah?”

“Muhsin’s friend with all of the cars?” that’s how she thought of him, he had been such an insignificant part of her life before that fateful day.

“Yes him.”

“Thanks but I am not interested.”

Her dad had rubbed a hand over his face, looking older than Jenna had ever seen him look before.

“I don’t want to phrase it like this but you have to marry him Jenna.”

“You are forcing me to!?”

“I wouldn’t say that.”

“I would!” she had exclaimed angrily not believing what her dad was saying.

“You don’t understand the danger we are all in.”

Her whole body tensed.

“Danger? From what? From who?”

“From an evil you couldn’t even imagine.”

Jenna had turned as Muhsin came in the room and her skin crawled slightly like it always did lately when her brother was around. He had changed as of late. He wasn’t her charming fun older brother anymore. There was something almost sinister about him, and she didn’t feel safe around him.

“Why does me marrying Hudayfah make us safe?”

Muhsin shrugged.

“He is a powerful man with lots of money.”

“I don’t understand.” She had said, and Muhsin rolled his eyes.

“Don’t be stupid Jen. We are in debt and people are after us. The only way to keep us safe is if you marry a rich husband who can pay off what we owe.”

“What you owe.” Her dad said irritably, and suddenly it all clicked for Jenna. Her brother had been involved in bad crowds lately, and while she tried not to get involved, she had heard whispers that he was gambling and other horrible things. He must have goten backed into a corner.

“Why do I have to marry him? Why not Emma or Maria?” she had asked desperately, though she knew she would never inflict this on her sisters.

Muhsin shrugged.

“He likes you.”

“He likes me!?” she had exclaimed.

“Yes. Look he is waiting outside, do you accept?”

“Do I have a choice?”

“Not really.”

“Be quiet Muhsin,” her dad had snapped, “of course you have a choice Jenna. But things are so much worse than you could imagine.”

Basically she didn’t have a choice.

“Fine.”

“Good. I will go tell him.” Muhsin said leaving the room, and as Jenna’s eyes began to water, her dad pulled her into a hug.

“I am sorry it had to be like this. But there is one more thing. No one, not even your mother or your sisters must know that this wasn’t a real attachment.”

“What do you mean?”

“In public and when others are around you have to act the part. The story is that you saw each other when Hudayfah came to visit Muhsin, and you started to have feelings for each other.”

“You have this all planned out don’t you.” she said accusingly, and he winced.

“Hudayfah has. He took care of everything. If it weren’t for him your brother would probably be dead right now.”

“Why does he care?”

“Because he is a good guy Jenna. Just give him a chance…”

Her dad’s last words from their conversation rang in her head as she listened to Hudayfah’s steady breathing. He was a good guy but as for whether or not she wanted to give him a chance was still up for debate.

“Hudayfah?” she whispered softly, and when he didn’t move, she pushed him gently in the shoulder. He still didn’t move so she put a hand to his cheek and almost immediately his hand came up to clasp hers, turning it, he kissed her wrist. She shuddered slightly at the contact, her mouth falling open in surprise.

“What is it?” he said huskily.

“It’s time for Fajr.”

“Oh.” His eyes opened and he turned to look at the clock before realizing he held her hand, and he dropped it quickly. “Sorry. I thought I was still dreaming when you touched my face.” He said sheepishly.

“No problem, I couldn’t wake you up.” She said, her face turning red, and after an uncomfortable pause, she got up, and went to the bathroom to make Wudu, leaning against the door heavily, her face still blushing from his kiss.

She wasn’t ready yet.

Perhaps after a few weeks they could start a normal relationship, where she could wake him up for Fajr with a kiss. And he could hold her when she had a nightmare.

But for now she had to keep her distance.



She had no doubt that soon she would be falling for him, and that scared her because there was just something else she wouldn’t have a choice in.