I should probably warn you, that this chapter might be a little...much. It's not pretty. But it's out there now and I can't really do anything about it. I can only hope that you guys like it and don't hate me /\

Also this super cool poster was made by @FromDownSouth! Thanks so much sweety!

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"Who put you up to this?" Rafe asked, slowly standing up, his arms pulling me up as he went. I stood too, my eyes glued to the laser gun in my attacker's hand. Rafe continued to move, slowly pushing me behind him.

The attacker watched all this, his head tilted like he was almost amused.

"Was it Ace?" Rafe asked and my eyes flit to look at him. I could only see the side of his face in the angle I was in. His jaw was clenched and his gaze was trained on the C'Riel before him.

"Sir, with all due respect, it is not you I am ordered to kill. So if you will step aside, this will be so much-" the attacker said.

"Who employed you?" Rafe asked, his biceps bulged against my cheek.

Then, out of nowhere, I felt some pressure in my head, I bit my lip to keep from whimpering. The pressure was insistent and gentle at the same time, but it hurt. When I thought it was going to become worse, my ears popped and I had a few seconds of wooziness. When it cleared, I saw a picture in my head.

I saw ... the back of my head as I stood still, unnaturally still ... and I saw the room we had been in before we were kidnapped to this room. I sucked in a quiet breath.

This was Rafe's perspective when we'd been paralysed in that room!

Why was he showing me this?

"What makes you think I am being employed by someone? I work for no one-"

Everything that was happening in the present, the conversation between Rafe and the attacker, dulled as I tried to focus on what Rafe was trying to tell me. I could hear their voices, but I wasn't listening to them.

I tried to 'mentally' hold on to the picture longer, wondering what he was trying to say.

Then the picture started to move slowly, still in Rafe's perspective. I felt Rafe's frustration, rage and fear at being paralysed like this-unable to protect me. Then, I felt his shock when the C'Riel that had kidnapped us, held up four flat round metallic devices in his hand for only Rafe to see. Then slowly, I felt the pressure Rafe felt when that C'Riel pressed something against Rafe's back.

In the present, I felt Rafe let out a laugh and it came out relaxed, like we weren't talking about an assassination.

"What is your motive to kill, then?" Rafe challenged.

The attacker spread his arms wide, gun and all, "Purity, of course."

I blinked as the image slowly faded from my head and dropped my eyes to look at Rafe's back ... and surely enough there were four of those devices strapped around Rafe's belt. I looked back up at the attacker, slowly lifting the hand that wasn't within the view of him and started removing the devices from where they were attached on Rafe's belt. They came off like magnets, thankfully without a sound. I lowered my hand when they had all come off and pressed them Rafe's left hand, my heart beating in my ears the whole time.

Rafe took only two, leaving the other two in my hand.

"Ah, you are one of those?" Rafe asked.

I saw another image in my head, this one of Rafe learning how to use this particular device. I watched as he pressed and held the edges of the device and a small cross in the centre lit up and almost immediately it whipped out of his hand and stuck to the ground-almost like metal n the presence of a large magnet. I sucked in a sharp breath and arranged the devices in my palm so that they fit one behind the other. Then ... I pressed.

"Yes, so if you would step aside-"

"She is my ethrés, I wouldn't step aside even in your dreams." Rafe said, his own palm clenching around the device. I watched as the device lit up in his hand, his fingers dimming the glow.

The attacker practically blew up, "She cannot be your-" he stopped, his eyes widening as soon as the devices sprung out of our hands and stuck to the floor. One right in front of Rafe and one to his left and one behind us and the last one to my right.

"NO!" the attacker yelled, his hand raising as he shot lasers at us. Rafe pulled me down to the floor as a spectrum of lights spread from the floor to the ceiling in a sheet like it had just before I had lost consciousness.

I felt a terrible wrenching sensation and suddenly I fell to the floor in an empty room that looked just like mine. I curled my hands into my stomach, trying to keep my inside right where they were. When that didn't help, I slapped my hands onto my mouth, trying to control the nausea. Bloody hands pulled on mine and I looked up into Rafe's dark eyes and let him drag my hands away.

"Breathe through your mouth," He instructed and I immediately followed. He rubbed a hand down my back and the soothing motion helped with the nausea. I let out a slow breath and lifted my head, meeting his eyes with a wobbly smile.

"Alright?" he asked me, his gaze searching mine. I nodded as he rubbed the back of his hand against my forehead, wiping away the beads of sweat that had collected there. I looked at him, as he trailed his hands over my face and shoulders, his eyes wide with worry and emotion clogged my throat. Letting out a soft sob, I lifted my arms and went onto my knees, pressing myself close to him. I sniffed against his neck, holding back the hysteria that threatened to explode.

He rubbed his hands down my back, murmuring soft words of reassurance. My shaking-that I hadn't realised I was doing until it stopped-seemed to make him press me closer. He rubbed his lips into my temple.

"Thank you," he murmured. When I leaned back to look at him, my brows furrowed in confusion, he didn't let me go all the way back-his arms tightening a little to keep me in the circle of his arms.

"For letting me keep my secret." He murmured, his lashes lifted and he considered me with regretful but resigned dark eyes.

I smiled slowly, "Yeah, that was pretty cool of me, right?"

He chuckled softly, leaning forward to brush his nose to mine a few times. I turned my own head left and right, mirroring his action and smiling into the gesture. He leaned back and smiled at me, but slowly I watched as the emotion in his eyes dimmed, darkened by something. His whole expression looked like he'd walked into a shadow, even though I could see his face clearly.

"What's wrong?" I asked him, lifting my hand to run the tip of my index finger against his brow. He caught my hand, twining our fingers together and he kept quiet for awhile with his eyes trained to our locked hands.

"What I am about to tell you..." He started before stopped, dropping my hand to run both of his through his hair, "Is an insight into who I was before..."

He looked like he was struggling to put something into words, before his eyes dropped to me and his brows cleared and he said, "You."

He caught my hands then, but this time, my eyes were able to track the movement despite it being fast, so I didn't startle.

"You don't have to-" I started but Rafe shook his head.

"I have had enough of being threatened with the truth." his eyes flashed up to meet mine, "I am not a coward and I will not be portrayed to be one. Especially to you." he said.

"But before I start," he said, "You will promise to hear me out fully."

I nodded slowly, letting him take my hands in his. He took a deep breath and looked right into my eyes and started talking.

"For the past decade, the C'Riel have been unable to surrender to one another. This was not only an issue to our health-because the extended instability that comes from the lack of biofeedback can drive us close to insane-but also predicted the extinction of our kind." he said.

Extinction?

And it clicked. No surrendering meant no progeny.

Another thought slid into my head...So how was Kylee pregnant? But I pushed it aside for now when Rafe started speaking again.

"We were...desperate." his eyes flashed up to mine, before a sardonic smirk lifted his lips and he leaned back against the wall behind him, pulling one knee up and propping his elbow on it, his eyes taking on a far away look as he dropped his head back against the wall. I scooted closer to rest my right shoulder against the wall, facing his profile and pulling my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them.

"Me even more so," he said, his eyes slanting to the side a little to meet mine.

"Why?" I whispered.

He smiled slowly, but there was nothing happy about this smile. If anything it looked like a smile filled with regrets and disappointment.

He let out a soft snort, his eyes lifting back to look before him, "Because if I found a solution for this, it would be a gate to my freedom."

I waited a few seconds, letting him take his time... He really seemed to be struggling with this.

"Did you know that in a laboratory setup, the sex cells of humans and C'Riel are not compatible?" he asked and I looked at him, my brows furrowing.

I had to swallow a few times before I spoke, my throat suddenly dry, "You wanted hybrid children?" I finally managed to whisper.

Rafe let out a laugh, "Hybrid?" he asked, his voice filled with derision that I realised was directed at himself, "No. I wanted to create children of only C'Riel genetic makeup."

I had a million questions in my head, but I asked the most obvious one.

"Then...why would you pair a human sex cell with a C'Riel sex cell? Why not just do it with another C'Riel sex cell?" I asked.

Rafe's hand curled into a fist, "Because every C'Riel woman who will need to carry the baby is someone's potential ethrés. And we cannot just have them carry a child that is not theirs and their ethrés'. It just is not done."

I pressed my lips together, trying to keep the words that threatened to spill out in. But I couldn't help it.

"And how did you expect to accomplish this," I asked my voice coming out cold and angry, "When the C'Riel experience no arousal with anyone other than their ethrés?"

Something in my tone made Rafe stiffen and he turned and met my eyes with a hard look of his own. His gritted teeth, finally let way to four words that caused me to suck a breath in.

"I created a serum." He said.

"A serum...for what?" I asked, holding onto my patience with a slim thread that was unraveling real fast and real soon.

"The serum will imitate the symptoms of arousal in the C'Riel so that they can-"

I whipped to my feet, my hands clenched, "So that they can turn humans into living breathing incubators, right?"

Rafe lifted to his feet, his hands by his side, his gaze on mine, wary but hard at the same time.

I let out a breath and pressed my eyes closed before opening them and looking at him again, "I ask again. Why is it you won't do this with your women?"

Rafe gave the answer to me in a matter of fact way without sugar coating it and it was like a slice through my veins, "Because we would never degrade our women that way."

I turned away from him, running my hands through my hair and over my face as many things came into light. I whipped around to look at him. "That's why you had me transferred to your district, right?"

Rafe let out a breath, "At the point, Amour the whole Operation was just a-"

"Yes or no, Rafe?" I said my voice having raised on it's own.

Rafe gritted out a, "Yes." and if it were a physical thing, it could've broken through walls. But despite that, it broke my heart.

"The second you saw me, you chose me, right?" I asked, laughing as a tear of pain, betrayal and sadness slid out of my eyes.

When he stayed silent, anger spread through my veins and when my voice came out it was a loud sharp whip, "Right?"

Rafe winced, but didn't turn his gaze away. He didn't even drop it. He was able to stare me straight in the eyes when he said, "Yes."

"What were the things you saw in me that made you think I was apt to be your..." I waved my hand in the air, "Your...whore? Your dirty secret. The girl that you'll be forced to touch and pretend to love so that she lets you close enough and you can-"

"Amour." He growled, anger flashing in his eyes.

I whipped my hand out and pointed a finger at him and when I spoke, my voice was quiet, but no less powerful, "You don't get to get angry! You don't even get to feel anything but regret you...you asshole."

Rafe grit his teeth and kept quiet, his eyes remaining on mine.

I was breathing hard when I realised he hadn't answered my question. It would do me no good to know, I know this. But I wanted to know anyway.

"Answer my question, Rafe." I demanded, the tears flowing more readily now. My face was crumpled with pain.

"Amour," he sighed when he saw my tears, his own face shifting into one of sadness and grief as he stepped forward, lifting his hands up as if to cup my face.

I stepped back, whipping a hand out, palm facing him, "Stay away." I said.

He stilled, his jaw hardening, before he dropped his hands.

"Answer my question, Rafe." I said again, pressing emphasis on each word like they were pressing into me, cutting into my skin and causing my heart to bleed pain and love all over the floor.

"Which question?" he asked slowly, his wary eyes tracing all of my features in a hurry-like he won't get a chance to do it again.

I took a breath, trying to rein in my hysteria, before repeating the question slowly and even though my voice shook, the words came out clear, "What were the things you saw in me that made you choose me?"

"Do not make me answer that, Amour. It will not do us any good-"

"Don't tell me what's good and what's not, Rafe. Answer my damn question!" I was yelling. I didn't care.

"Your hair." he said and I could see the hesitation in his face for the first time since he started speaking, like he felt especially ashamed of this, "And your complexion. Your hips were the perfect girth that was required for-"

I ran in the direction I knew the bathroom would be and stumbled in after running my bracelet over the Identity Screen and threw up the contents of my stomach into the closet and continued retching even when there was nothing left in my stomach. My throat burned with strain and my eyes burned with tears. I dropped to my feet, curling my hands over my stomach that was cramping. I leaned back against the wall, staring emptily before me.

When Rafe came and crouched before me, spearing his fingers through my hair and pushing it away from my face and used a cloth he had taken from a compartment near my head and wet it and wiped my face, I didn't even have it in me to cringe away. I just wanted to forget.

But Rafe started speaking again, his voice low, caressing me. But his words drove a stake further into my heart because it reminded me about everything in my life that was a lie.

"The Operation was a tentative one at best, because we had no proof that it would even work, because it had not worked in the laboratory." he said, "But when I started to getting to know you, I realised I was developing feelings for you. Physical reactions. I put the Operation on a hiatus, because if the reason that we were not surrendering to other C'Riel was because our ethrés had been on another planet, then all our problems were solved."

"But...Kylee." he started and at the sound of her name, I let my eyes meet his.

"Freze has always been after my dad's approval, hoping to preside over the District after my father. The Operation was not approved for everybody. Only some were willing to take up the role and when I called hiatus, it also meant the serum would not be handed out. But Freze..." Rafe sighed, "I do not know what he told my father... but my father approved his mission and kept it even from me."

"He used the serum to get Kylee pregnant and he has even used a formula, that is dangerous to human foetus which the C'Riel foetus is immune to, and fed it to Kylee everyday. It not only started killing the parts of the child that was human, it also started to kill Kylee." Rafe ran a hand down his face, "The nurse I hired to perform a private check up for Kylee was working for him. She injected a steroid that accelerates growth."

At this point, there were only two things I wanted to know.

"Will Kylee survive?" I asked.

Rafe shook his head.

I pressed my eyes closed, "Will the child survive?" I asked.

When Rafe didn't answer, I opened my eyes and looked at him. He looked unsure.

"I do not know what will happen to child. He has gone about the formula wrong. Instead of altering the genetic structure of the child, he has tried to destroy the biological parts of the child that take on human nature."

I straightened, "What do you mean to say?" I asked, fear coating my stomach that was threatening to churn again.

Rafe shook his head slowly, regret filling his face, "I do not know if the child can will be...active."

"Active? Or alive?" I asked, my eyes trying to spear through him to try to force him to tell me the truth.

"I am saying, he is possibly going to be born in a state of comatose." Rafe said, before slowly adding, his own voice laced with misery," You cannot kill half of someone and expect them to be survive."

I pressed my hands to my face, sadness spilling into my bones and escaping through tears from my eyes.

After all this...and the child wouldn't be...

A sob wreaked my body into a harsh shudder and when I felt Rafe come closer, I whipped my head up and looked at him, pulling away and standing up, pressing a hand to the wall behind me to keep me steady.

"Amour, I called off the Operation," he said urgently when I started to walk around him to get to the exit.

"Yes, I made a mistake," He said, following me out, "But I rectified it."

I whipped around, "Rafe what you made wasn't a mistake. You wanted to save your species at the cost of innocent lives of others."

Rafe's eyes narrowed, "You would have died if I had not come up with the Operation." he said.

I crossed my hands looking at him for an explanation.

"It was because of this Operation that a unanimous decision to being the humans to Xe'Krein was arrived at." he said.

I stared at him, before shaking my head, "I would have chosen to die there if I had known that was why you decided to help us." I said, "For all your talk about superiority of species, you're no different than us. We killed other species to survive too. Ours may not have always been deliberate, but you..."

I ran my bracelet against the Identity Screen and stepped out of the room, heading to the elevator. A hand caught me around my elbow and whipped me around. I glared into Rafe's dark eyes.

"Do not do this, Amour." Rafe said, his eyes flitting between mine, "I know I made a mistake, I am admitting it to you."

"You're not admitting it to me because you want to," I said, "You're only telling me this because you have to. Given the choice, would you have ever let me find out about this?"

He stayed quiet but I knew his answer from the look on his face.

I tugged my arm out of his hold, "That's what I thought." I said turning away again. I still had a lot of things that were unanswered but right now...I wanted to see Kylee.

When I entered the elevator, I pressed the digit that would take me to the floor that had the Health Care Centre. Rafe didn't follow me and I looked anywhere but at him. I held onto my brave face until the elevator doors shut. When they did, I slid to the floor, pressing my head into my hands and letting the tears flow. Not for anything but my traitorous heart that continued to beat for him despite all the ugliness.

He should look less attractive to me. Why wasn't he? He shouldn't want me to curl my hands in his hair and pull him closer and tell him that everything would be okay. He shouldn't make me want to forgive him for his past. He wanted to use me. In the most painful way ever. It would be a kind of rape, except I would walk willingly into it. Claim my own death sentence.

But I remembered the look in his eyes, the minute quiver to his lips, the regret on his face, the slight shake of his hands. Him holding my eyes the whole time he told me the truth now took a new meaning when I realised he had been...punishing himself with the sight of disgust, betrayal and pain on my face. All of which was directed at him. His penance was his fear of losing me and he's been paying the cost for it all this time.

I shook my head.

I shouldn't forgive him, dammit. But I don't think that was ever the issue.

Because the Lord help me, but I still loved him.

I couldn't remember a time before it anymore, because it had become a part of me that I could now not do without. How can I stop doing something that I had nurtured, telling myself that it would last my lifetime? How could I stop doing the only thing I knew how to do?

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There it is guys. The ugly truth.

*ominous music plays in the background*

*creeps away slowly into the shadows*