When I awoke the next morning it was to find that Lucian's side of the bed was cold and the sheets undisturbed. I frowned at the linen that still retained the spice of his scent and reproached myself for allowing surprise — but especially disappointment — to mar my peak.

What did you expect, you simpleton! That he would crave afresh the coldness of your back?

I could bear the sight of my chamber walls no longer and decided at last to face the family, besides which it was a lovely day out and certainly shameful to stay within. Ergo, it was with a renewed sense of purpose that I scrambled into a gown and made my way downstairs, too impatient to await Astrid's arrival.

I had seen no one since Lucian left me and might have bethought the place deserted if not for Carac's heavy frame reposing atop the dais at the trestle, only four other knights were present at the far end of the hall. He merely inclined his head in a cold manner when I drew near, which he, no doubt, felt to be a sufficient greeting.

"Will you not speak to me?" I asked sullenly, to which he answered plainly: with more silence. "Where has everybody gone to?" My brows knit together in consternation as I seated myself beside him. It was certainly eerie to see the hall so unoccupied, save for a few servants and knights, for it had been crowded for months.

Carac took a mighty swill of his tankard and slammed it down before he bellowed for a serving lad to fill his cup anew. Once the boy had seen to the task, Carac turned his tetchy gaze at me.

"As you see, they are gone."

"Yes, I can see that, you ill-tempered bear! What do you mean they are gone?" I bristled.

"Careful, Aria. I am not your little, besotted friend, Thomas. My bite is worse than my bark!" he growled. The ebullition of his temper subdued me instantly and thus we were quiet some moments ere he deigned to answer me finally.

"As you know, there are no longer any guests remaining. Have you already forgotten what it is like to have Nørrdragor's population reduced to normal proportions?"

"But tis early yet, should not the family at least be-"

"All are out hunting save Godwin," he said curtly. I was becoming annoyed by his treatment of me, but I did not seek to loose his temper again, so I bore it silently. "A fresh set of hart spoor was discovered nearby."

"Why are you not also enjoying the sport?" I asked him as a servant deposited a light repast of warm bread and butter before me.

"Because I am to play nursemaid to you!" he grouched.

"What? And who has charged you with the chore, pray?" I did not care that I sounded peevish. I had attempted a conciliatory aspect since his outburst, albeit to no avail; but no longer!

"Who do you think." He narrowed his eyes over the lip of his tankard. "Lucian."

"But why?"

"He left at dawn this morning and since he is not here to keep you from mischief, the task is mine." He was not at all happy with the assignment.

"Has he not joined the hunt?" I lowering the buttery morsel from my shocked lips at his surly revelation. He shook his head no. "But where did he go then?"

I could not forbear the worry that crept into my brow, nor the hurt from my voice for he had left without a by your leave. God's teeth! I am so confused! Did I want him to go or did I want him to stay? But I had my answer! Why else was I now upset by his absence, if not because I loathed the thought of his departure? It disturbed me a great deal to know that he was gone from Nørrdragor and not on the hunt as I'd first assumed.

"He and a small company of men at arms are en route to Faulkenbørg. Godwin has business there, but Lucian assumed the errand in his father's stead." Carac, having delivered the explanation, turned to me with a dubious angle to his arched brow. "But why should you care either way?"

"I don't care." The mendacity of my claim was glaring even to my own ears.

"As I thought," said he, with an irritable snort. Carac sipped dispassionately at his wine, and, after a silence, which lay like a glacier between us, he went on. "You may well lie to me, as it pleases you, but do not deceive yourself, little dissembler."

Dissembler?! It seemed that I was incapable of effacing the shock of his slander from my eyes, and the wretched trembling of my lips were such that the tears were doffed instantly from my lids. "When will he be back?"

"He did not say," Carac muttered with an impatient exhale, his eyes dismissing me forthwith.

Lucian might then be gone for weeks. But he would surely need to return by the next moon cycle.

"You should have accompanied him." My voice was now as wounded and unsteady as my lips, thoroughly nonplused, as I was, by his surliness.

"But I assured him I would watch over you, Aria," he muttered, his eyes darkening considerably, a bitter hint of saffron flecked throughout the brown, "though it gives me little pleasure."

I flinched to hear him say what was clearly expressed in his demeanor. "You are cruel, Carac!"

"No more than you."

"How have I... I am not the one-"

"Do not play the injured party!" He stood from the bench, so that he was glowering down at me — which was, in actuality, no different than before since he seemed to have been looking down his nose at me all this morning. I had always counted him as my closest friend, after Thomas, and his defection from me both galled and dismayed me. "Do you think you are so different from us?"

I watched as the four knights, that had been talking leisurely ere I sat down, took their leave with all haste. I did not blame them for Carac was indeed a fearsome sight when he was discomposed and angry. "Carac-"

"Your blood runs as black as ours!" He had lowered his voice to a furious whisper. "You are no less a monster, Aria, if monsters we be. So tell me, why do you torment him?" 'Him' being Lucian. "It is pietism, plain and simple, to own such affections!"

"He should have told me-"

"By the Gods, girl! We all withheld the truth from you as well as he — Anne, Godwin, Caine and I. Do not delude yourself either for we would do it again; and again!" His voice had echoed through the hall like thunder. "Whatever it takes to keep you safe."

I began to weep openly, but mine were not the tears of deception either — those that others might employ to evoke pity and thereby affect an angry voice to a gentler volume — for I could no more help my rills of sorrow than I could prevent the storm of his rage. However, had my intent been mercenary, my efforts would have yielded me only vain disappointment because my tears held no influence over him. He was unmoved and may well have been contemplating a flea in his wine for all the sympathy I received.

"Give over!" He lay a heavy hand atop my shoulder. Perhaps he was not as indifferent to me after all. "Save your tears for Lucian, they mean nothing to me."

Or not. I wept the harder. I loved Carac dearly and it hurt that he spoke to me thus.

He shook his head thoughtfully. "You and Lucian have much to overcome, I know, but where there is trust-"

"Ay, let us speak of trust, Carac!" My voice hitched. "How can I trust him now? I have been fed nothing but lies!"

"Not lies." He scratched the back of his neck, finally evincing a little discomfit and, dared I hope, some little shame. "They were half-truths."

"Omission of truth is lying!"

"Bah! You bedevil me afresh with your bellyaching! I have never been so ashamed of you as I am now!" he pronounced harshly. "Where is the Aria of old? Pray, hide her no more, I would speak to her!"

I did not think I could grimace any more than I had, nor cry any harder, but I did. He was breaking my heart with his brutal words. I knew that I had hurt him with my reactions in Niflheim, he and Lucian both, but I did not blame myself for how I felt then. They had been honest reactions as a result of my terror.

And now, whether or not it was because I was breeding, or still suffering from shock, I had a devil riding me, at hazard, to madness. I was saying and doing what I normal would never have. Carac was, in part, right about the 'Aria of old' having disappeared. The me that I was now seemed confused and ... filled with both rage and profound sorrow.

"Come, let us appease your obstinacy and discuss the matter of your trust, shall we?" He stood straighter and folded his arms, unaware, and no doubt uncaring, of my inner turmoil. "You trespassed at Niflheim more times than I can bear enumerating, despite knowing it was forbidden, and thereby disregarding Lucian's orders to the contrary.

"Then you got yourself attacked; and last, but by no means least, you tried to liberate that miscreant, Thomas, and wound up in a den of Valdyren!"

"Enough!" I managed to cry out between great, heaving sobs.

"I have not even begun itemizing your offenses, Aria! Were you suffering under the misconception that you were perfect?" His eyes became redder and darker still. "Because none of us are."

"I know I am not perfect! I never said I was!"

But he would not hear me. "Have done with your grievances, for you do not see us holding onto ours."

Had it really become a matter of 'me' and 'them'? I wanted to be a part of them. That had always been my greatest wish: to belong to a family. And this family above all. The notion of being thought apart from them devastated and confused me. Did I wish to be apart from or a part of the Greyback clan?

To belong to them. The answer was unequivocal — to belong to the Greybacks. To belong to Lucian as he so completely belonged to me.

Though Carac's words were harsh, I understood his motives. It was not in his nature to use more words than were required to get his point across; he was ordinarily a silent man, and that he was voluble now bespoke his own feelings. I knew, despite the gruff manner he employed, that he loved Lucian ... and he loved me.

"I have never thought you weak," he continued, his voice gentling, "and I would still defy any who would suggest it now. But you had better decide what it is you plan to do next, for I know you care deeply for him. One does not need to be in love to discern it in another."

He was not in love? Lord, but she would fervently await the day a women brought this giant to his knees! She hoped she would witness it all!

"Furthermore, as I see it, you are not without options, though you appear determined to imagine you have none. You can accept who you are and accept Lucian..."

I wiped at my eyes as the pause became heavy.

"Or embrace your misery and go back to that pig of a father we took you from. At all events, this I know for certain — Lucian will not force you to stay; and, therefore, Godwin cannot either. Not any longer. So make your choice."

With that, he stood and marched from the hall without a backward glance, leaving me with a damp lap and thoughts of my future self — nothing more than an unhappy ghost, haunting the castle; unloved and pitiful.

"Ariana?"

I looked up, wiping furiously at my cheeks, to see Godwin approaching me cautiously. My lip quivered as he sat down beside me and I wondered if he too had come to castigate me thoroughly as his brother-in-law had just done. When the silence intruded awkwardly, he finally cleared his throat.

"I am come to apologize," he admitted on a long sigh. "I am, of course, referring to our discussion yesterday, before you withdrew so hastily." He seemed pained by the thought and I wondered at what he found more distasteful: injuring my feelings or having to apologize at all. "I have long since wished to make amends; it was not my place to interfere, and I should not have made known your condition quite so callously... if at all." His tone and expression held a surfeit measure of regret.

Nodding my head, I lowered my face back to my lap with a frown, but still I could not find my voice.

"I am forgiven then?" he clarified.

"Aye, you are forgiven." And why is that so easy to do? How could I forgive Godwin so readily when I could not do the same for his son. Perhaps if I had seen Godwin coated in blood or woken up to see his face bespattered with gore, I might have felt differently, but as it was I could not equate him with any of the trauma that I had experience thus far.

"And can you vouchsafe Lucian that same concession?" he enquired gently.

"Do you ask this as an arbiter or as my father?"

"My interest is that of a man who has come to love you as a daughter, my child." There was a sharpness in his aspect, but compassionate withal. "I want only to secure the happiness of both my children." When I committed no reply, he patted my shoulder and, as Carac had done before him, let me alone to consider my future.



❅



The next few days were bleak indeed as I searched my soul and contemplated all that Carac had said, and all that he had accused me of — a liar, a weakling, and a coward. Those monikers were my only companions as I distanced myself from Anne and the rest of the Greybacks. They, in turn, allowed that space.

But I could abide my solitude of mind no longer! I was bitterly unhappy and yet life continued as it always had, despite that my world had been wholly uprooted. If I had thought that the rest of the castle's occupants would follow suit, I was largely mistaken. The kitchens still churned out lavish meals, the daily chores did not cease, the birds yet sang in the garden, and all of Nørrdragor continued its routine with the comforting predictability of boisterous conversations, merriment, the clanging of silverware, and the roaring hearth fires. 'Twas only I that moved through my home like a stranger.

Home, I mused.

Was it still my home? What was a home exactly? I did not consider Nørrdragor's imposing stone ramparts and cold corridors, that were haunted with rats and shadows, to be my home because it was the people that lived there who had defined it as such: Lucian, Anne, Godwin, Carac and even that curmudgeon, Caine. They had always been my family, so what had changed exactly?

They were otherworldly, yes, but they were still the same as before, only I now knew them a little better — knew what they were. They hadn't changed, but I had. Why was I so adamant to forge a great rift between us, between myself and Lucian specifically, when all it did was make me miserable.

I could not leave and I could not change them, so what did it matter that they were more than human for they were certainly not less than human! Moreover, I had always felt loved and cherished since coming here so long ago. Yes, they were monsters, but so was I. So what was a monster? Was I not monstrous, as Carac had intimated, in my treatment of Lucian?

In sooth, I was apparently no different than they. Like must cohabit with like; and you must stop acting the victim.



❅



A fortnight had come and gone but my attitude was much altered. My appetite had returned and so had my optimism; to a degree. Howbeit, it could only mend so much, and for all to be as it once was — before the night of Thomas' death — I would need to see Lucian again and repair the damaged I had wrought with my pride. It was now Lucian's forgiveness that I sought. I wanted the life we had enjoyed before, when I had not been afraid of him. I longed to share jokes with him again and talk without reserve. I had trusted him once and I wanted passionately to do so again. He had, without my realizing it, become my friend as well as my lover — I would have that again. I must. The alternative was insufferable.

I sat once more, as was my habit of late, in the tower that overlooked the Redweld forest and the road that wound up the hill atop which Nørrdragor reigned. I had been watching faithfully for Lucian's return, and the longer he stayed away, the more I worried!

He should be back by now! The bulbous moon, whole and potent, would reach her zenith in only a few hours and twilight had already crept into the countryside. Where is he!

At length I saw a small company of men crest the hill, but almost as soon as my heart leapt with excitement, it fell back into stark disappointment for he was not among them. In addition, I had — perhaps an hour since — observed the Niflheim guardsmen marching a fresh group of men... no, I would henceforth think of them only as criminals deserving of naught but my contempt. I had watched the fresh aliment being directed into the woods earlier this evening, as well as seen the master of Nørrdragor and his two companions disappearing as they always had — into the Redweld without a trace. What, or whom rather, I had not seen was Lucian and I began to fret now that I saw that his retinue had returned from Faulkenbørg sans their commander.

My eyes continued to scan the new arrivals with desperate hope when I heard a noise at my back, and looked around to see that Anne had appeared at the doorway. Although her entrance was sudden, it was not surprisingly for she knew my pattern by now and I could tell it saddened her to see me watching the road expectantly each night only to have my hopes dashed when Lucian did not materialize.

"Do you think he will come, Mother?"

"Aye, he will have had to," said she meaningfully, peering around me at Lucian's men. "Look you there!" she exclaimed of a sudden, her finger trained at a certain riderless destrier. "There, see his mount? I had never thought to be so happy to see that ornery horse!" She was grinning now.

"Caderyn," I sighed in relief. Lucian had like as not made haste to Redweld's underworld, whence the rest of his clan had gone, and sent his horse on to Nørrdragor with his men.

"Come away from the window, lass, and let me help you to bed. You have seen what you had hoped to." In a sense, I suppose I had; but I would not be easy till I had seen Lucian himself.

"I am not an invalid yet, Anne," I chuckled despite the tightness in my chest. She had been so solicitous and thoughtful of me, though my belly had not even begun to swell.

"Even so, it is time you put my grandchild to bed," she winked as she peeked at the plane of my abdomen. I could not argue with her logic and so followed her from the tower.

After a bath had been drawn for me, I steeped in its warmth while Anne washed my hair. I could think of naught but Lucian and wondered if he'd reached Niflheim betimes. Anne, having given up on conversation — for my mind was far too distracted and obsessed — took her leave once my hair had been brushed out. Astrid departed soon after, when she'd called for the tub to be emptied and seen to the warming of my sheets.

All was quiet but for the crickets and the wind as I closed my eyes, a strange pressure building in my temples. When I awoke next it was to a shaft of moonlight illuminating the bed and a searing pain that stemmed from my belly and exploded abruptly, like a discharge of lightning, throughout the rest of my body.

I tried to scream but no sound came — as though my voice itself had frozen, and yet my whole body was afire. I tried to breathe but could not for my lungs had atrophied and my limbs were rigid. I lay on the bed, supine and witless with fear as pain convulsed along my bones and muscles. Finally, when I could breathe again, I crawled from the bed as waves of nausea and agony crashed over me. I scratched at my flesh and tore at my face as a scalding light gushed in from my peripheral.

As the feeling intensified, so too did my blindness, which was so terrifying and intrusive that I did not at first realize the deafening rage in my broken ears. I was insane with suffering as I groped along the floor and, eventually, at the door while fire licked across my skin. I was not sure if I screamed, inasmuch as I was now deaf as well as sightless, but I must have done because I could feel hands grasping frantically at my arms, pulling my raking fingers and gouging nails away from my eyes and face. And then, blessedly, all sensation left me.



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